Tuesday was quite a day.  My plan was to get up early, do about an hours worth of work that absolutely had to be done that morning then LOG OFF.  Then run around my house like a looney cleaning, organizing, making lists for gifts, diff Christmas events, updating my calendars, planning what food I was taking where, etc.  All that holiday stuff that needed to be done and was getting away from me.  THEN, I was going shopping and not stopping until my Christmas shopping was completely complete.  Then meet my step-mom and sisters for a late dinner for a ladies night out.

Well the snow came.  The kids had a 2 hour delay. I didn’t get my peaceful organized morning, I got out the door way later than I wanted to and of course I was fretting about driving back to those stores where I had my last meltdown. (AKA panic attacks)

Long story short, I did it.  It wasn’t easy and I hated a lot of the day.  I despise standing in lines when I am on edge and trying to recover from recent panic attacks.  Of course I had to stand in lines.  I forced myself to do it and not flee even though I really wanted to.  I got most of my shopping done before dinner.  I truly enjoyed dinner with my ladies and felt pretty relaxed by that point.  After dinner, I drove to the Walmart parking lot, locked my door, and sat there with the light on in my car and organized my life.  I wanted to be sure I was DONE before going home.  I had just a few small gifts to get and lots of groceries.  I did it.  It was about 11:00 pm when I headed home.

As I was driving home, I went down the road that I was avoiding all day – the one where I had the big panic attack last week.  I was determined to drive down that road before heading home.  It was late, the roads were not busy and I felt confident.  I sat at that stop light feeling all proud of myself.  I thought “Wow!  I feel normal.  This is great!”

Then I realized.  I had 3 ativan in me.  Yep.  They were spaced out over the day but still.  THREE!!  I rarely take 3 a day – only on days that I am out & about in possible panic attack situations and the day keeps on going and going….

It takes 3 for me to feel normal apparently.  That sucks.

I am both grateful and ticked off at the same time.  I’m grateful that I am able to use ativan to help me work through this panic monster crap.

I am ticked that I would even need a freakin ativan to drive down the road past Target.  Ridiculous.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. kiteflier98
    Dec 20, 2013 @ 16:06:25

    So… you needed three ativan to do that. The thing is, you did it. Now you know you *can* do it. You know you’ll survive. Each time should be easier, too. Then as you build up your strength through practice it will only two ativan, then only one… then one day… *poof!* no more ativan.

    I get scared going to the kitchen when my stepsons are home because I’m worried that they’re judging me. “Who cares? it’s irrelevant!” But still, I manage to do it… sometimes, and sometimes with a little help. More often than not, it’s manageable. Those times help convince me that I can keep doing it.

    That getting organized in the car thing? I love that. I have to take a breather whenever I get home from errands to brace myself for the flood of questions that may ensue when I walk in the door. I take some time for a few deep breaths, get myself re-centered on the task at hand, and then give it a go. I’m glad that I learned to do that.


  2. Zoe
    Jan 02, 2014 @ 11:15:34

    Hi kiteflier. Thanks for your comment. And you are right. Each time will get easier and I guess we need to just do whatever we need to do to go about our lives! It’s frustrating but its still progress. Happy New Year to you!


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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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