Venting: Driving Anxiety

From my draft folder, wrote this a few weeks ago. . .

My New Years Resolution:  Do more things with hubby.  Go more places.  Say yes.

Hubby is spontaneous.  He likes to just get up and go when he thinks of something he’d like to do.  I’m a planner.  And I’m a crazy person that gets panic attacks sometimes in crowded places.  Or sometimes even driving.

The Problem?
What if he wants me to drive?  He works 3rd.  So if he has worked and is staying up instead of sleeping to go somewhere, I should drive.  He’s had more than one close call where he almost wrecked cuz he was so stinking tired and trying to drive.  Usually this in on the way home from work.  (Did I ever tell you how much I hate 3rd shift???)

What if he wants to go to a restaurant?  Especially one I’ve never been to before.  What if my ativan doesn’t have time to kick on first??

What if he invites his parents too – and then I have to sit in the back of the car so his dad can sit up front with him.  What if I get car sick cuz I’m sitting in the back of the car?

I want to tell him all these concerns.  I want to tell him I want to go more places with him but its hard for me to just get up & go.

I want to ask him to please just don’t ask me to drive anywhere for a while.  Just don’t expect me to.  I want to tell him that if I’m feeling confident that day I’ll let him know I want to drive – otherwise just leave me alone and let me enjoy the passenger seat.

I don’t want him to feel like I’m a fragile mental patient that he has to take care of though.  That would be a burden to him.  That’s why I havent told him about my big driving panic attack.  But I want to hang out with him more.  Right now if he asks me if I want to go somewhere,  I usually just say no cuz he might want me to drive and that immediately makes me nervous.  This issue has gotten bigger since my last big panic attack.  I am fighting back, but I still feel like a freak anytime I drive somewhere.

Its worse if there is anyone in the car because then I have to appear normal even if I’m freaking out inside.  If I’m by myself, I can freak out out loud and get it out of my system!  My kids think I have been suffering horrible from hot flashes lately because every time we go somewhere I have the window down – and its winter here.  It was snowing in my window the other day and I still left it down.  I just want that cold air blowing on my face!

Side note: I even felt stressed watching a video the other day that Kid3 was showing me.  He was sitting on my lap so I couldn’t easily get up or move around.  I felt trapped.  It was just a music video.  I cant even remember what it was about now.  Oh baseball.  What was it about that video? I don’t know – it triggered an emotion in me and I immediately got uncomfortable and found myself holding my breath (which is just stupid) and then that of course caused the anxiety wash over me…..

I’ve gone back a few steps lately (a lot of steps actually!) with this anxiety crap.  I just want left alone to do my own thing until the vivid memory of my driving panic attack fades.  It really shook me up and I hate it.

We planned the beach for next year.  Hubby already decided he wasn’t going.  Whatever.  But the hard part about that is that I have to drive there!  Know what?  I’ll get in the car and get pissed off and I’ll get myself there even if it is hard.  BUT.  Its not just me.  I’ll be driving my kids there and that means I have to put on my happy  face and try not to let them see me freaking out.  No one wants a nut case at the wheel for 8 hours!  That will scare them and I don’t want that to happen!  Aagh!

And tonight I have to take Kid3 to his basketball game, its a late game and hubby cant go.  So its up to me.  That SHOULD be no problem.  I’ve gone to many of these games!  Hubby has driven though I think to everyone at the Y this year.  Remember how I used to freak about sitting in those bleachers?  Yea, well now the bleachers arent a problem, now I’m freaking about having to drive there!

I can do it.  I know I can do it.

Yesterday I drove kid1 to her volleyball game.  I’ve been driving kids to practices, the store, friends houses, etc.
Yea, I’ve still been doing it but it really SUCKS.

Agh!

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. rootstoblossom
    Jan 29, 2014 @ 16:26:43

    Wow your internal battles and conversations are so familiar to me. Did writing about help at all? And yes, anxiety sucks. Keep fighting, you can do it.

    Reply

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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