Panic Attacks are Stealing My Life

Things I have missed because of my fear of the panic monster:

Haven’t seen my dad’s new house in Florida.  This hurts my Dad.
Passed up 2 trips to Disney World.  Partially Paid trips!
Turned down a paid flight to Florida – more than once.
Declined a trip to Alabama to see my grandmother & cousins.
Did not attend my step-grandmother’s funeral dinner, which hurt my stepmom.
Bus trip to New York with a group of fun ladies
Winter Jam concert – 3 years now.
Tour of hubby’s work place (hot and crowded)
College basketball game with my son and his basketball team (twice now)
Countless dinner invitations from friends & sisters over the last few years.
Road trips with hubby.
Spontaneous shopping trips, restaurants, etc with my mom-in-law who loves to fly by the seat of her pants and is always up to something fun!

I feel like this list doesn’t even begin to cover the things I’ve been missing because I’m afraid :(

I can’t just get up and go.  I want to be able to do that again!

What am I doing when opportunities present themselves??
Counting how many ativan pills I have left.  Counting hours & minutes to see if there is enough time for the ativan to kick in before an event.
Or perhaps I planned to go and then chickened out.  It was offered to me and I refused.  I saw the event and wanted to go but knew it would be more trouble than it was worth :(

Things that are coming up that I DON’T want to miss:

Want to go to Disney as a chaperone on the band trip – planned For April or May 2015
BFF wants to go on a cruise as a graduation gift for us when our kids graduate.  Yes – for us, not them!  lol
Tour of Hubby’s work place is being planned again – think they are making it a yearly event.
College basketball game with my son and his basketball team .
As my very active kids get older there will be more banquets, award ceremonies, events, games…. things I want to enjoy instead of being sick about!

And let’s not forget the gazillions of things that I still do –  but are SO MUCH HARDER than they need to be thanks to the panic monster!  You already know most of these things if you’ve been here before.

I freaking HATE the panic monster.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. rootstoblossom
    Feb 18, 2014 @ 08:48:54

    Hate that the panic monster does this to you as well. You can get through it. xx


  2. Zoe
    Feb 19, 2014 @ 10:34:24

    Thanks Roots. :/

    And the BEACH! I want to be able to drive to the beach in June – by myself – without losing my mind about it!


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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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