Panic Attacks Piss Me Off

I am so pissed off right now.

I drove my daughter to volleyball practice.  Got back about 15 minutes ago.  A friend had her baby today.  On the way in my daughter asked how big the baby was.  I told her.  It was 9lbs 12 ozs.  She said wow thats big!  I said yea.  Flashback in my f’d up brain to the birth move in high school where I passed out cold in the middle of class….

Panic attack moved in for the kill.  I just had another f’in panic attack! The kind where I have to fight to not pass out!  Agh!  I needed air of course.  Well I was in hubby’s car because it drives better in the snow.  It’s his work car which basically means its kinda a piece of crap.  The windows dont work.  Yep, I couldnt roll down the window.  That made it worse.  It does have a sunroof which I was trying to figure out in the dark and I couldnt.  Kid2 tried to help me – then she said she couldnt find the button either in the dark and gave up.  So then I yelled at her to open it for me quick!  Yea.  Good times.  She wanted to know what my prob was and I said I just dont like talking about stuff like that anymore!

I did what I usually do, I chose streets where I could pull over if necessary.  This is getting so f’n old.  I am so mad at the whole situation.  I got her there as fast as I could and tried to appear normal.  I do that pretty well I might add.

Then I had to stop at the store.  We were out of milk and hubby asked for some energy drinks.  The store will be closed by the time her practice is over at 9:30 – or I would have just “forgotten” and let him get it when he picked her up.  And oh yes!  You can bet he is gonna be the one picking her up!

So I parked and did some deep breathing and waited for the parking lot to clear a little before going in.  I didn’t want to have to wait in a line cuz I was already in freak out mode.  I timed it well and there was no line and I got out of there.

I cried/yelled/swore/prayed all the way home.

I came in the basement door cuz I knew he was down there and I told him to stand up and hug me.  Ha.  He did and I told him about it.  That is new.  Usually I don’t tell him.  He doesn’t understand.  I asked him to pick her up.  He said “Well wouldnt that be a good way to fight back and get over this one?”  I said nope.  I’m done tonight.  And I said I know all about what I need to do to fight back!  I’ve been doing it for like 5 years now! He hugged me a while. He was watching the news and was trying to let go and sit down. ha.  O well. He was kind and he was understanding.  I know he doesnt understand.  I dont even understand but so far I’m still glad I told him.  Hopefully I won’t regret that later.

I also told him that I don’t want to deal with this anymore but I dont want to be fat either.  He said what??  I said Paxil would cure this but I would be fat!  He didnt respond to that.  lol

I feel a tiny bit better now – after typing it out.  I want to just go to bed but I have more work to do.  The kids were off school again today because of snow, so I didn’t get as much work time in.  And tomorrow is my doctor appointment, so that is lost work time.  My plan has been to go get a haircut too since I will already be loaded up with ativan for my dr appt.  And then I’m supposed to meet my bff for lunch at a new restaurant.  I don’t know now.
I guess I’ll just wait and see how I feel tomorrow.  If I am still a basket case I may have to skip the haircut and lunch.  I’ve already been wishing I could skip the dr appt but tonight just proved how badly I need to go.  There is a freezing rain advisory for the morning so the kids are hoping for a school delay.  I am really hoping that doesn’t happen because I wont get to my appt in time and I’ll have to reschedule.

I’m almost out of ativan.  And I am absolutely out of patience for this crap.
I want the miracle cure!  Oh how I wish there was one.  Sigh.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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