Celexa Journey: Day 8

Day 8: 3/12/14

Started taking whole pills on day 7.  20 mg.

We ordered hoagies from my sister-in-law for a fundraiser.  We had to go to town to pick them up.  I was having a bad anxiety type of day and didn’t really want to go.  Hubby said he’d go.  I decided to be brave and go with him.  I hadn’t been out of the house lately and was getting tired of being afraid of these panic attacks.  Well he jumped up immediately to go, and I felt rushed and un-prepared – cuz I’m just nuts I guess – but I went anyway.  We had barely pulled out of the driveway and my world started spinning.  I was hot and felt puky and swirly and argh!  I laid back my seat and told hubby I wanted to go home.  He said really?  I said No, cuz I need to do this but I might just pass out on you.  He rolled the windows the whole way down so I had this massive cold breeze blowing over me and we continued on.  It passed after a few minutes but of course then I was a shaky mess.  Strangely he was surprised that I didn’t want to go into the grocery store with him.   He went in, got what we needed, then headed over to get the hoagies, again I said no thanks, I’ll wait in the car.

The way home was better but I was very upset and told him I wished I had never told him about my panic attacks.  I said that if I had never told him, I would have said I’d go get the hoagies, I’d have done it alone.  I may have had to pull over and do some deep breathing or something along the way and it would have sucked big time But I would have done it.  I told him I probably would have sat in the parking lot at the grocery store for a while until they were less busy and go in like a mom on a mission.  And probably would have cried from relief when I got back to my car.  He said “And that would have been better than telling me?”  I said I think it would.  It all seems too real now that he knows.  I feel like  a weakling that he has to deal with.

He told me it was fine and he would stick it out with me.  Not real mushy or anything but still pretty good coming from him. :D

These things have all gotten worse again lately.  Stores hadn’t been a problem for a while now.  This driving anxiety though is screwing me up big time and doesn’t really work when you’re a mom!  Feeling very frustrated and just want to go pull the covers up over my head.

Day 9: 3/13/14

Hubby was determined to go do something just cuz he’s sick of being cooped up inside.  Our family hardly ever goes to the movies.  Maybe like twice a year.  He decided he was taking Kid3 to see the Lego movie.  Kid2 was already at a friend’s house for the night and Kid1 had no other plans so she was going.  I said I wasn’t going anywhere.  Hubby kept saying that he wished I would go.  This is new.  He usually doesn’t do that at all – and prides himself on the fact that he is so independent he needs no one, so of course I think he was doing that – trying to help me get out of the house again.  I was feeling better than the day before but still nervous of course.

I finally said OK – there was time so I took an ativan – first one in a few days – I haven been taking them much since I started celexa.  And we went to the movies.  We got there very early – cuz that is how hubby is.  There are always like 20 minutes of previews so I prefer to get there on time or even late.  We were there like 1/2 an hour early. We were the only ones in the theater.  Hubby sat right in the middle.  That was OK but I was worried that it would fill up and I would feel trapped.  I was very nervous sitting there and kept trying to distract myself with my ipod.  And kid2 was shopping with friends and kept texting me pics of dresses for formal – that helped too.

It didn’t get very crowded but people did sit directly behind us which was weird – at least skip a row – there was tons of room.  And the little kids behind us gave a running commentary.  It was cute and didn’t bother me since the the movie was pretty boring anyway.

RELIEF when that move was over and we were on the way home. So much RELIEF.  I made it.  It was fun.  Even more importantly, it was over.  Ha.  Got home and went straight to bed.  Bliss.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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