I drove. I shopped.

I just drove into town and went to 2 stores.


Woo Hoo!


Take that Panic Attacks!


The Nutcracker

Sunday we went to see The Nutcracker as planned.  My BFF went with me.  I drove which was nerve-racking because you all know I just had a panic attack freak out while driving last week.  The roads weren’t great because of all the snow and she is a chicken about driving in the snow.  But I did it and I sat in the theater again and I had a good time. :)  My little niece was adorable.  Her part was very tiny.  She was a reindeer and basically just galloped across the stage pulling  a sleigh with some other cute reindeer.  Twice.  I don’t even know if that  is really a part of The Nutcracker or they made it up so the tiny ballerinas could participate too!

The whole thing was just beautiful.

I’m thrilled that I am able to go to these things again!

I will keep doing it and spending money I shouldn’t because I love it!  :D

Take that panic attacks!


Tonight was real.

Tonight was real.

It wasn’t covered with an anxious haze.  I wasn’t watching myself from the other side of the room.

I was present.

We got there with about 10 minutes to spare.  The only seats left were toward the front.  As I walked toward the front of the room, my knees were not wobbly.  I wasn’t lightheaded or scanning out the exits.  I just walked to my seat.  (I did manage to wrangle an aisle seat from my daughter using the “I want to be able to stand up to take pictures” line.)

I sat back in my chair and chatted with Kid1’s volleyball coach and some friends who were sitting in front of us.
Notice that:  I sat back in my chair. Like a relaxed person waiting for an event to begin.

That’s when I really noticed that this night was different.  I got my little notebook out of my purse then – because usually when I start thinking about the panic attacks, it brings them on and I need a quick distraction.

I did write a few things in my notebook.  But not for the usual reasons.  Hubby had been wandering who the announcer is at the football games.  We can hear him but not see him up in the booth and he thought he sounded familiar.  They said his name to thank him and I jotted it down.

Then I noticed that I was not frantically writing prayers or song lyrics in my notebook, I was just taking notes.  For real.

I didn’t have to ‘dig through my purse to find something’ even once.  That is my all time favorite distraction :)

When it was over, I casually put on my coat, chatted with a few people and made my way to the door.   Calmly.  I wasn’t dying for fresh air.

Tonight was real.

Ativan included – doesn’t make it any less real!

Guess What I’m Doing Tonight

Working the Concession Booth – Still Anxiety Free :)

Today I worked in the concession booth at the baseball field for a few hours.  I am happy to report that it was a drama free / anxiety free experience.  THANK YOU LORD!   I am thrilled that I still have that conquered.  Last year during football season I worked hard to beat that fear in the concession booth at the football games.

AND lol… guess who worked it with me?  My What If Guy!  And his wife too.  Ha.  When he showed up my first reaction was “Oh crap!” cuz I thought I’d be uncomfortable.  And I also was thinking that hubby would be jealous and stupid.  But I talked it out with myself…. in my head of course, while making a gazillion fried oreos.  (Yuk for the grease factor but wow those things are a hit with the kids – we sold so many!)  I decided I wasn’t gonna feel bad about it or be nervous about it and I do not have to answer to my hubby about being in the same location as an old boyfriend.  It wasn’t planned, it was innocent and that is life.  And then I felt better and had a few laughs with my former dream guy.

A little baseball brag…..  Kid3’s team had an awesome regular season.  Their record was 14-2.  They won big most of the time too.  Word has been getting around how good they are and we have teams from farther away that are not in our usual league that have been wanting to play us.  So now All-Stars tournaments have begun – and his team is even better than the regular season team because they pick the top players from all our teams to form the all-stars team….

We’ve played 2 teams this weekend that we have never played before – from much larger towns, who entered our tournament to give us some competition and, as one of the team’s coaches said it, “Put us back in our place .”  Ha Ha.  It’s not over, but we have played 3 games so far and have won 16-1,  12-1, and then last night 14-1.  And the team we played last night were the cocky ones that we were very worried about playing.  I truly didn’t expect to beat them by that much!

Kid 3 had some good hits last night, one REALLY great hit – that only got him to 2nd but brought in 2 runs.  Oh and he caught a pop up and got an out that way :)  They all played so well tonight!  The tournament’s not over, we play at least 2 more games but it’s so much fun!


Related Posts:

Working the Concession Booth  – OK guys.  Be proud of me.  Be very very proud. Well maybe hold your applause until I report back…. Tomorrow night I am scheduled to work in the concession booth at the football game.  I have been successfully avoiding this for 2 years. ……

The Concession Booth was so much FUN! – Follow up to Working the Concession Booth . It was so much fun.  Want to say I told you so?  Go ahead – I won’t even mind cuz you were right! I’m glad my ….

Concession Booth: Checked off my List – Last night was the last Thursday night I’ll spend at the concession booth until next year. This was one of the things on my “To Conquer” list.  That’s my list of things that I need to work on – my way of fighting back against panic attacks……

Ballgames, Track Meets, and Tractor Shows Oh My!

Wow.  What a weekend.

We were barely home.  That’s a big deal for a home-body introvert like me!

Short version:

Friday night – baseball game, grocery shopping

Saturday – All day track meet, Camping at tractor show

Sunday – Tractor show until 4, finally home by 5.  Laundry. (Ha!)

My long babble about it:)

Friday night kid3 had a baseball game.  They won.  Crazy coach screamed at my kid.  Made me want to scream at crazy coach.  My brother & wife came to game.  She has hot pink hair at the moment.  That would never work for me but I love her confidence. They won the game.  We grocery shopped and ate fast food before we came home and organized and packed for Saturday.

Saturday morning we left the house at 7:15 and headed to a track meet.  Kids2 & 3 were both competing this year.  Kid2 participated last year so we knew what to expect this year.  And we expected it to be a very long hot day. lol  We were there in the blazing hot sun until about 4:30.

They did great!  Kid3 got second place in the mini javelins, and 5th in the 100 meter.  There were approx 40? runners in the 100 meter so that is awesome!  Kid2 did not place in the 100 meter which really bummed her out.  Most of her friends were in a different group, they divide by age, not grade, so she was the youngest in the older group and went into it quite discouraged.  But then she placed 6th in the 400 meter and 4th in the 800 meter!  She was the only one from her team that placed in the 800 meter :)  They both did great.  I’m a proud mom.

While we were at the track meet, hubby was at the tractor show.  He has been working hard restoring tractors for this show.  It sucked that it was the same day as the track meet.  But you don’t leave your beautifully restored John Deere tractors at a show unattended all day long – so he went there instead.  That was better anyway, he would have been terribly restless and having a fit about being there so long. It was definitely more relaxed without him there.

When the track meet was over, we headed home to pack again.  We were camping at the tractor show Saturday night.

I can only imagine how exhausted Kids2& 3 were. They actually competed after all.  Kid1 and I were just spectators.  Burnt spectators!  That long day in the sun wears you out.  So imagine a carload of hot, tired people who needed to go home, pack, and head out again to sleep on the ground.  They were cranky and just wanted to wait until I got everything ready.  I had a lot of things ready in advance but had to pack coolers, and get tent, sleeping bags etc all into the van.  I was doing fine, and they were helping little bits until… I opened the freezer to get ice for the cooler and someone’s slushy fell out and splattered ALL over me and the entire kitchen floor.  And under the fridge.  Oh my.

I let out a yell and they all came running.  Kid2 said “Is that all mom?  I thought there was a snake or something!”

I’m telling you – I was at the end of my rope.  I handed them the paper towels and excused myself to go wash the sticky off.  So they sopped up most of it and then I scrubbed the floor.   By the time we got the car loaded and headed out again we were all ready for bed.

We.  were.  exhausted.

As soon as we got there hubby told me I should get the tent set up soon so we weren’t trying to do it in the dark.  I handed him the keys and said go ahead.  The tractor show was nice though, and relaxing.  Honestly they get pretty boring so you spend a lot of time sitting around which was wonderful.  They were also doing tractor pulls and that is loud and exciting and fun :)

Usually when we camp we take air mattresses to sleep on.  I didn’t take them.  Just cuz the van was full, I was out of energy, and hubby kept telling me to only bring the bare necessities.  I should have taken them.  LONG night.  And we froze!  It had been 92 degrees all day – and we froze at night?  Crazy.  And then there were some drunks riding around in a golf cart screaming at each other. They were so loud!  Kid3 woke up at 5:30am and wanted to know if he could go start a camp fire.  Once he is awake, he doesn’t go back to sleep.  He just doesn’t.  He bounced around the tent for a while and hubby finally told him to just go outside!  So then I laid there hearing him crumple up newspaper and flick the lighter.  I had visions of a forest fire and had to get up too.

We hung out at the tractor show all day.  We looked at every kind of tractor you can imagine.  We watched countless tractor pulls.  And other pulls.  They were like funny cars but mini.  I don’t know what they were called.  We left there about 4:00, came home, unpacked every thing and started laundry.  Then we plopped down on the couch in the air conditioning with the Disney channel.

And now it is Monday.  Kids are fighting already.  Kid3 has already been grounded from the 4-wheeler.  Grammy has already called for baby-sitting help…

Oh – and I sat in the huge metal bleachers at the track meet.  Way high up too.  Oh yes I did :D

Take that panic attacks!

Tonight was the Band Concert

One more thing checked off the anxiety list.  Yay!

Yesterday Kid1 told me that if I would just leave her alone for a few days her life would be SO much better.  She has been mean!  Hormones?  Hopefully that is all it is.  Ugh.  She has been studying for finals and I have been pushing her on that cuz her grades are … let’s just say they aren’t awesome.  I think she is just getting frustrated by it all.  Doesn’t make it OK to be a meanie though!

The band concert was tonight.  She wore a beautiful black dress that has caused quite a bit of drama the past few days.  She loved it.  SHe hated it.  Blah blah blah.  Ha.

I had taken ativan (2 today!) but still had some icky moments during the chorus part of the show.  They go first.  They sang a really really really long song is another language that I didn’t know and my gosh it was boring.  It gave my mind too much time to wander.  I reeled it back in by feeding every child around me some tic tacs I found in my purse.   And by taking pictures of everything and everyone.   Even people I didn’t know.  If they were on the stage tonight – I took their picture.

Other than that it was uneventful.  Just a nice evening – which is exactly what I wanted!  Thank you Lord! 

Hubby didn’t go.  He stayed home and slept.  Really he just didn’t care to go.  Kinda made me mad.  If it was a sporting event he would have been there.  Kid1 doesn’t do sports though.  He should have come to support her whether he felt like it or not.  Grammy and Pappy (in-laws) came though and I appreciated that.

Oh – a funny thing.  When we went into the auditorium they had 2 huge fans blowing.  I like to sit on the right side of the room – the same side of the stage where  Kid1 would be sitting.  Unfortunately that was in the direct path of the super fan.    I assumed they would turn it off when the performance started and I wanted to stay where we would be able to see Kid1, so we sat there for 1/2 an hour with our hair being blown in our face and cracking up about it.  So funny.  My mom-in-law didn’t think it was too funny.  But then when she saw my hair sticking straight up in the air, she changed her mind. :)

I always complain that they don’t run those fans.  And I hate being hot at these events.  It just made me think that God has a sense of humor.  Truly we were wind-blown!  It was like riding in a convertible. Ha! 

Ativan as Needed for Anxiety

I just called in to request a refill for my Ativan.

It’s a no-refill prescription so I have to call every time.  They give me 30 pills.  The directions on the bottle say “Take one tablet by mouth every six hours as needed for anxiety.”  Wow.  If I followed those instruction I would run out in a little over a week!

Usually a prescription lasts me about a month.  At first they did NOT last a whole month. I remember a time when I was ever so careful with those and worried about how many I was taking – cuz they needed to last long enough – until the doctor would approve another prescription.  These little pills are/were my sanity savers!

Guess what?  The last time I had this refilled was 11/29/11.  Woo hoo!  That means I’ve had these 30 pills for 87 days!!  Yep, I counted.  I am amazed and doing a happy dance!

It gets better.  There are still 6 little pills left in the bottle!  So in 87 days I have only used 24 ativan pills?  Amazing!

I was taking them more often than I was happy about around Christmas time with all the parties and band concerts & everything.  More recently I have been relying on them to get through the basketball games.   But things have slowed down & I’ve been doing pretty good.  I even managed Kid3’s birthday party without ativan!

Happy Happy Dance!

Christmas Day was a Good Day (2011)

I smile every time I think about it.

I am so relieved!

As I said earlier, the weekend started pretty rough.

But after all that it was nice.  Very nice.

On Christmas eve we had some nice family time.  We made cookies, we strung popcorn (hadn’t done that in years!), we read the bible together, we just hung out.  Hubby went to bed before the kids and I wished he was awake to put out the gifts etc with me after the kids went to bed.

On Christmas morning, I like to take just a few minutes (like 10?)  to wake up before the kids rip into the gifts.  Usually this is met with harsh words and total irritation from hubby.  I put in my contacts, make some tea, and get settled on the couch with my camera.   Then I’m ready.  It’s not like they have to wait long and I don’t think it’s horrible for me to ask them to wait a few.  This year he didn’t mind.  This year he reminded them to wait and I didn’t even hear any irritation in his voice.  We sat next to each other on the couch.  We talked and laughed.   It wasn’t tense and terrible.  I cannot tell you how happy this makes me.

Yes, he still did things like grump and swear about the transformer toy that challenged him.  And yes he had some not so lovely moments with his sister at dinner at his mom’s house that afternoon.  It’s not like he’s been transformed into some fake happy go lucky guy.  But wow what a difference a year makes!

And from the panic attack / anxiety perspective….   Usually I take an ativan before going to these family functions.  I didn’t and it was a little uncomfortable at times but it was ok.  Like I said, Christmas Day was a Good Day!

I hope everyone had a Merry Merry Christmas!


One Down, Eight More To Go

There were no bleachers at the basketball game tonight.  And really it was only a scrimmage.  There were not many people there.  Hubby was not there.  Girls begged to stay home – I think they were strung out from the Christmas parties they had at school today. So I went myself.  I found a chair and sat along the wall next to another mom that was there herself.  I sat close but not too close.  I don’t know her well and but I do know she likes to yell at the coach when she thinks her kid doesn’t get fair playing time etc.

Well she was lovely.  We gabbed & gabbed.

I did NOT take ativan today.  There was a battle in my head about this all afternoon.  I was not feeling very anxious today at all really.  But I was worrying about feeling anxious later at the game.  Ugh.  I managed to convince myself that I should not take ativan just because I fear I may want to take it later – or wish I had taken it.  I should only take it when I am actually feeling an attack come on and really need it.

I felt like I was going to the game naked.
I felt very vulnerable and exposed.

I’m happy to say that those feeling passed pretty quickly and I was able to enjoy the game.

One down, 8 more to go.  :)

Take that panic attacks.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.