Let me tell you about last night.

Last night was the spring formal dance for kid2.  She was gorgeous as usual.


Image Source :DebShops.com

These are the shoes she wore – sparkly gold – and the rest of the outfit was even more fabulous.


Let me backtrack just a little….Kid2 also had an ortho appointment that morning that hubby took her to. 

The day before when Kid3 puked yet again at school – hubby went to pick him up and I made an appt and he took him to the doctor.  Hubby didn’t get to bed that day until about 2pm after working all night.

He’s been doing all the running around since I’ve been freaking out about driving.  And he has been wonderful about it.  I have had great guilt, especially when he needs to be sleeping!

So last night was the formal.  How this usually goes is we get ready, take pictures at home with the family, go to town, meet up with friends at the park that has great backdrops for more pics and take pics with friends, dates, etc.  Then we take them all up to the school where they see a few more friends, we take a few more pics, and then they finally go into the dance.  And we pick them up when its over.  Hubby has never participated in any of that.  And I was worried that he was reaching the end of his rope – feeling stressed about having to do all of this stuff he doesn’t normally have to do.

(NOT ONCE did I point out that I usually do all the stuff that he is feeling overwhelmed doing…. ha… but I want to point that out here!  Don’t you know it ladies!)

So in anticipation for last night let’s just say I was fully loaded with ativan.  Ha, that sounds bad.  But really, I wanted it in my system full strength because I was really afraid that I would have to do all that on my own last night and I still haven’t driven much at all since the driving panic attacks have been in high gear.  I spread the ativan throughout the day like you are supposed to.  I took 2 and 1/2 yesterday.

Turns out hubby was awesome – as he has been lately.  He was a little irritated when he heard about all the picture taking plans but he went along with it anyway.

He held her coat and gabbed with the other dads and when it was all over, I think he was glad he went.  I said “see what you’ve been missing!” He just laughed.  Kid2 was going t a friends house after the dance so no need to go pick her up.

Another thing on the list of things I’d asked hubby to do for me before Sunday was go get my RX refill.  Well with all that ativan in me, and my successful little drive around the block the other day, I decided I was going to try it myself.  I figured I’d go myself, pull over when I needed to, wait it out and carry on.  I need to face this.

Hubby offered to come along.  I said no.  He suggested I take Kid1 with me.  I said no.  I don’t want people watching me freak out!  So off I went.  I made sure I had Roar playing. Ha.  Never really got into that song before but it felt so empowering the other night, I put it on my ipod.

I was ok.  There were some what if moments.  But there were no black spots.  I am hosting Easter dinner for  my family here on Sunday and need some groceries but I had decided that once I got there, if all I could do was go through the drive through pharmacy window, that was just fine.  Well I did that and my RX wasnt ready of course so I had 20 minutes to kill.  SO I went and did my grocery shopping.  Then I went into the Dollar store next door.  I was walking around thinking wow – I feel like a normal person!  Yay.

So I got my med and drove home.  No trouble.  Yes, there were the thoughts in the back of my head but they didn’t take over.  Hubby loves mcdonalds double cheeseburgers.  I knew he was planning to be working in the garage on his 4-wheeler so I did a drive through and got some burgers for him and the kids and some fries for me.  (YUM – it’s been SO long since I ate any french fries!)

I went straight to the garage when I got home and he looked up with a big smile and said “There you are!  I had my phone with me in case you needed me.”  I said I come bearing gifts and gave him the burger.  He laughed and sat down and ate it.  I told him how I felt like a normal person tonight but I hated that it took all that med to make me feel that way.  You know what he said?  Well if that’s what it takes to straighten out those chemicals in your brain, then that’s what it takes.

THAT IS HUGE.  Because that means he looked it up and was reading about panic attacks.  He had told me he was going to do that cuz he just couldn’t understand what was wrong with me.  He has always been one of those guys that reject medicine and thinks that if you were just stronger, you could deal with it.  Like you feel nervous about something? Buck up and do it anyway. So he finally sees that there is more to it than that.  I’m sure that watching me freak out  – actually seeing me freak out in the car and not being able to get off the bathroom floor – helped him realize it was really real.  Ha!

So then I left him in the garage and went home to my other kiddos who were lost in minecraft world.  They only looked up when they smelled cheeseburgers.   lol

Then I thought of him saying about having his phone with him just in case.  So I texted him


And he is.  He really is here for me.

Hubby Has Been Awesome

Hubby is being awesomely supportive and I love him more than ever.  Yesterday he wasn’t home and I was on the phone with a client.  I was getting very dizzy but I needed to work since I missed so mush time this week being sick.  I sat down on my office floor and then was hunkered with my head on the floor, trying to stop the dizziness, all the while carrying on a (hopefully!) intelligent conversation with the client who had no idea.

I heard hubby come in but he doesn’t usually come see me right away.  Well he did yesterday and saw me on the floor and looked so concerned.  Ha.  I made like a swirling motion like I was just dizzy and he laughed.  He just sat there and rubbed my back while I talked to my client.  How sweet is that?  :)

He has been stepping up and driving kiddos more places – just volunteering and not making a big deal of it.  He knows I don’t want them to know I’ve been having panic attacks while driving.

They do know I’ve been feeling dizzy and have different medicine and that is why.  And obviously they know I’ve been sick.  A long time ago I told them my medicine (Wellbutrin at the time) was for my heat flashes.  I’ve told them how horrible this new medicine is making me feel and that it makes me dizzy and I don’t feel comfortable driving anywhere right now.  So they think this is all because of hot flashes/hormones etc.

Anyway, hubby has been awesome.  And concerned.  And sweet.  And helpful.  I have been surprised by his concern but I am thrilled of course that this has been his reaction.  I was worried I’d have to fight this alone.  Instead, he has been by my side and it has been awesome.

He Tried to Sleep with Me

Ha ha.  It’s not how it sounds…

New Years Eve
For the first time EVER we were all awake at midnight on New Years Eve!  Usually at least one of the kids is sound asleep.  And hubby is usually out but we wake him up.

Around 1am I was headed to bed and asked if he was coming soon.  I cant remember his exact answer but basically it was probably not – and he probably wasn’t going to sleep upstairs either – and he was more than a little defensive about it.  He had been asleep on and off all night.  He sleeps so weird from working 3rd shift!

I said  “Hubby.  Really?”  which of course sounded like a scolding from someone’s mother, which of course makes him want to rebel right?  I heard my tone too late, after it was already out of my mouth.  The kids were all sitting there looking at me and I’m glad they were or I probably would have started a fight with him.  So I went up to bed and tried not to be pissed off.  Lots of angry thoughts running through my head.  “Great way to start 2014 – with a great big pile of rejection from my husband.”  “So nothing has really changed at all has it???”  I really hate when he doesn’t sleep in the same bed with me.

To me, moments are important.  Occasions are worth recognizing and making into special moments. Traditions can be awesome.  You know – kiss at midnight on New Years eve.  Kiss under the mistletoe at Christmas time (still waiting for that one!)  etc etc etc.  Those are perfect scenarios for a little romance – and no big planning is required right!?!?

The way I look at it –  it’s New Years Eve – its a new start to a new year – lets start it right…  I wanna kiss my hubby at midnight and wake up in the same bed as my husband on the first day of the new year.

The way I think he sees it –  It’s 1am, it’s late but he’s wide awake.  Craig Ferguson is on.

So I laid in bed and told him off in my head for a good while.  I knew that I REALLY didn’t want this to be the way we start the new year though, especially because things have been good.  And he HAS been sleeping with me more often than he has in a long time.  So I calmed myself and changed my attitude and went to the basement where he was watching TV.  I said “I don’t want to fight with you but you aren’t gonna ditch me on New Years eve!”  I said it with a big smile :D  He just laughed a little and said he wasn’t ditching me, he was just wide awake and wanted to watch Ferguson a while.  OK then.  I kissed him and went to bed.

He came to bed  a short while later.  :)

Well apparently he was miserable and couldn’t sleep.  Finally he had enough and went downstairs.

When I came downstairs the next morning he was watching TV.  I got my coffee and joined him.  I think he was waiting for me to give him heck.  He started telling me how miserable he was all night.  He said he had eaten way too much the day before (had 2 family get-togethers that day).  He said his belly felt big like a great big beer belly and he had heart burn.  He slept sitting up in the recliner in the living room.

He told me that he said to himself “She knows I was here.  I’m going downstairs!”

I love that!  :)

He cared how I felt.  That is beyond awesome!

I am Grateful for my Husband

I am Grateful for my Husband.

And I am so happy to be able to type that sentence and mean it with all my heart.

A few examples of his recent awesomeness:

– Kid2 has been really challenging lately.  She needs to constantly be doing something with one of her friends or her whole world falls apart.  If she had her way, she would never be home.  Or at least not be here without a friend here too.  We live in the country, so her friends who live close to each other in town get together more often, she feels left out, the drama follows.  Hubby calls it her “needy friends phase”.  Dear God I hope it’s a phase that ends quickly.  It’s exhausting.  SO, instead of answering her, I started telling her to ask her dad.  I knew he wouldn’t say yes nearly as often as I was and I figured it was his turn to deal with it.  I needed a break from it!   LOL   That was probably the best thing for the situation.  He does say no a lot.  He says yes sometimes.  He gets to see how it has been for me dealing with this by myself for so long.   He used to say “Ask your mom.”  Now he is on the other end of that and it has been a wake up call for him.

It gave him a whole new perspective – Which I think led him to deal with Kid1 in a way he has never stepped up and done before….

– Kid1 is getting quite bold lately in telling me no.  She just gets mean and defiant and says NO.  And to her that is the end of it.  I have been trying to deal with this consistently and in different ways but she has been winning unfortunately.  And she knows it.  She told me NO yesterday.  Hubby came home shortly afterwards and asked why she wasn’t doing what I asked her to do.  I told him why.  HE MADE HER DO IT. She threw her fit, she cried and moaned.  She yelled that her life was horrible, she yelled all sorts of things but he didn’t back down.  She knew she wasn’t going to win and she finally gave in and went to get ready.  (What we wanted her to do btw is to help hubby’s sister prep food for the concession stand.  Sis-in-law needed help, Kid1 gets paid to do this, she’s helped before so she knows what she is doing, and it would take about 2 hours and she needs to get off the couch! so we wanted her to go.)

I was so proud of hubby.  He was demanding without being angry.  He (mostly) kept his cool which is pretty darn hard when your teenager is hurling insults at you.

– Kid2 was very sassy and rude to me when I picked her up from track Saturday morning.  Just horrible.  We got home and she came in the house with an attitude.  Hubby asked what was going on, I told him, he took her electronics and she still didn’t get them back.

– There are more examples that I’d love to tell you all about but it is already later than I want it to be!   You’ll have to stop over for a cup of coffee and we can gab :)

He has my back now.  I don’t feel like it’s all on me.  We are sharing this responsibility.  It is so awesome.

(And he has been taking the $$ issues seriously finally too and even talked to the kids about how we’ve been spending too much and blah blah blah when the kids had a fit when I packed sandwiches for the ballgames instead of buying supper at the concession stand.  Before Hubby always wanted to just buy it there and would do that even if I had packed food.  Of course it’s yummy, but it’s not cheap!)

I feel so…. cared for.

That’s all I ever wanted.

Dear God,  Please make this last.  Amen.



Oh... and I got to have sex last night.  HA HA That could be 
another reason I'm feeling so grateful for this man. ;)

Back from The Beach

We went to the beach and are home.  Hubby went with us.  It was nice.  He did really well with my family and I’m happy to report that we didn’t fight once.  What??!!  lol  We did have a misunderstanding once where I got my feelings hurt but we talked it out and all was well.  And since we shared a bedroom and the opportunity presented itself, I got to have sex.  woo hoo.

One More Good Thing: Parenting Together

One more thing – Kid1 was really being rude and mouthing off the other day.


He told her she would NOT talk to her mother that way.  Are you kidding me?  And he keeps doing that!  It’s awesome.  He would never do that before.  Before he had this awesome parenting idea where he said “You do it your way, I’ll do it mine.”  Yea, that works.  Not.  Now though – I feel like we are actually in it together!  He actually steps up to the plate and dishes out some discipline.  When they aren’t listening, he makes them turn off the TV and get busy doing homework or whatever they were told. (Before he would just sit and watch it with them! No joke.) .

Kid2 wasn’t allowed to go to a movie night at her friends cuz she had attitude and didn’t help at all that day – we were all outside mowing and weeding strawberries etc.  She was told to help several times.  But even when she did finally come outside, she just complained and moved at turtle speed.  That was his decision completely, I never even brought it up!

He is actually parenting his kids in a way that makes sense.  Before he would not ever back me up.  He was the oh so fun dad that never made them do anything – until he got ticked that they never did anything and blew his top.  This is so much better!

OK.  I promise I’m done now.  I have to get to work.  I will ignore the half written posts that are me complaining about him and just focus on the positive today :)

Another Good Thing: He’s Interested.

He will actually ask me where I was when I come home from somewhere (if he didn’t already know).  What?  That means he is admitting that he has an interest in me. He would NEVER ask before.  He would just have a big attitude and I’d get the silent treatment.

More Good Stuff: The Van

On Saturday we cleaned the van.  I had the floor mats spread out in the grass and was using the Shopvac to vacuum them.  I turned the shopvac around to get tho hose on the right side for the next rug.  He laughed and said – what?  But then he stopped himself.  I asked what?  He said look at the cord.  When I spun it around to get the hose on the right side, the cord got wrapped around the vac funny.  That kind of stuff bothers him immensely.  But he laughed it off.  I LOVE it that he is seeing that I simply do not notice all these tiny things that freak him out.  I don’t do them to piss him off.  I don’t do them because I’m stupid.  I just don’t notice all the little things like that because I’m focused on something else I guess.  Or it doesn’t even seem like an issue to me at all anyway.  Of course I can see the cord, it doesn’t bother me.  So what if the cord is wrapped around it now, it will easily unwrap when I’m done!

We cleaned the van together and didn’t even fight about it!

His car died.  He has been driving the van to work at night.  This works because he works 3rd shift, so we are able to both still have a car when we need it. Let’s see… past behavior – he would rant and rave EVERY time he got into the van and he had to move the seat back.  Of course he had to move the seat back, the van is mainly my vehicle, I drive it the most, of course the seat will be set the way I like it.  Never mind that it made no sense, he would still get pissed off about it.  He would also complain that I twist the seat belt.  Huh?  Seriously, this was a huge annoyance for him.  I don’t even know what he’s talking about.  I buckle it, I unbuckle it.  I don’t do anything else with it!

Also before he would refuse to drive the van just because it was my car and he … well who knows why.  He would be going somewhere that would clearly work better if he had the van but he would still drive his car that didn’t have as much room.  It was like he refused to drive the van to spite me?  That doesn’t even make sense.  He didn’t want to be associated with me in any way, including the van?  See, it makes no sense.  Who knows why but he was determined not to need me or my van.  And he was rude and arrogant about it.

Before, he always drove if we went somewhere together.  That was fine by me cuz he made me nervous anyway.  I hated driving with him in the car cuz he has opinions about everything and does not keep them to himself.  Well, I have been driving.  He just says “You wanna drive?  I don’t feel like it.”  Normal conversation.  And he has been keeping his opinions to himself while I’m driving too!  I’m a good driver, I always have been.  He was just such an overbearing, opinionated ass – I didn’t want to hear his comments.

Good Stuff: Fun at the Ballgames

Ballgames have begun.  I don’t think I’ve laughed this much in a long long time.  We are really having a good time together watching Kid3 play.   I remember sitting there last year – hating him, irritated by him “sense of humor”, by his yelling at the game.  I was embarrassed to be sitting there with him.  This weekend was different.  I still think he yells too much at the games – that seems to just be a guy thing though cuz he certainly isn’t alone in that.

I enjoy going to the baseball games with my husband.  Imagine that.

AND when we drive separately cuz he’ll have to leave before it’s over to get ready for work, he kisses me goodbye.  Last summer he would just leave.  He wouldn’t even say goodbye sometimes, much less kiss me.

Letting Go of a Grudge

Oh!  And here is something else I’ve been wanting to tell my blog friends…

Remember my hubby is the king of holding grudges?  Remember that he wouldn’t go to his sister’s house for years (5  I think) because he stuck his nose in an argument his sister had with his parents and then decided to hold a grudge against her?

Well Easter dinner was at sister’s house this year.  He said a few swear words when he heard that was where it was going to be.  But he didn’t say he wasn’t going until about 10 minutes before it was time to go.  I just brushed it off and told him to get ready.  And he did.

While dinner was still begin prepared, the kids all wanted to go see the new baby goats.  They were only a few days old.  So they ran out to the barn.  I followed and then sent kid3 back to get his dad.  I said tell him you want to show him the goats.  He did and hubby came out to the barn.  For the first time ever!

When I went back in the house to help sis-in-law in the kitchen, she asked where hubby was.  I told her he was out at the barn.  She look shocked and thrilled.  Her eyes teared up and she said she didn’t think he would come.

I told hubby that later.  I think it may have hit him in the heart a little.  I hope it did.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.