At Home in My Own Home

I watched the movie Dreamgirls for the first time in April 2012. I wrote about it here.

It was on TV this weekend.  I found it as I was flipping through the channels.   Funny that it was almost to the part that touched my soul last time.  The song Listen was SO powerful to me last time.  I had watched it again and again and then found it on youtube later.  This time, I was alone in my bedroom and turned it up loud.  I didn’t feel it.  I even got distracted by my phone during that scene.  Later, laying in my bed with my hubby snoring next to me, I thought about it some more.  I don’t feel that way anymore.  I DO feel at home in my own home now.  I DO feel like he hears me again.


I am glad I happened upon the movie this weekend.  I am glad to be able to see the progress in my life.  I am also grateful for the reminder to stay strong and be who I am.


What a beautiful night!

We went to the theater to see Annie.  Imagine it in your head in a British accent for full affect.  That’s the way my kids were saying it all the way through dinner and all the way there.  You can tell we don’t get out much. Ha!

After getting over the teenage eye rolling, everyone seemed happy to go and hubby did too.  Not once did he say that he didn’t want to go.  Then we discussed that we would have to drive separately because he would not have time to come home before heading out to work.  I thought that might make him declare that he wasn’t going.  He said some choice words and told me to plan these things on a weekend next time instead of a Thursday night.  Hmm…. next time.  Yep, I heard that!  But he still went – he dressed up a little, looked all handsome, and smiled and we went to the theater! (don’t forget the British accent!)

Panic attacks, well….. I had some nerves.  Not too many but some.  There were some times when I started to feel “swirly” and looked away from the performance and around at the people, architecture and amazing detail of the building for a while instead.  I looked at my kids.  I looked at my hubby.  I was just so happy that we were all there together.  And we were making happy memories.  And then I would get teary-eyed about that.  The panic attack that may have been coming never arrived and for that I am so thankful.

In case you’re wondering – Ativan?  Yes.  2.

Oh – I had planned on sitting in the end seat for easy exit upon freak out.  The seats were so small and smushed!  Oh my.  It is a very old antique theater.  And they say people used to be smaller right?  ha.  I am 5′ 5″.  I sat the whole way back in my seat and my knees still touched the back of the seat in front of me.  They were not comfortable seats!  Anyway, I moved is so hubby could sit on the end as soon as I saw how tight it was going to be. I was still fine.  I went through the scenario in my head a few times where I leap over him to get to the exit.  ha

The whole way home I just felt giddy.  Giddy!

I did it.  And NOT ONLY did I attend this big event and sit in a crowded place without having a panic attack, I got to do this with my whole family together.  That was truly the best part.  We all went together.  Like a real family.  And no one was being a jerk or holding a grudge or making anyone else miserable.  It felt so right.

Yes, ELATED is the perfect word to describe how I feel tonight.

If only hubby didn’t have to go to work tonight.  If only he was home with me now, cuddling up next to me in bed.  That would make the night even more perfect.

Ahhh.  A girl can dream.  I think I may have some very good dreams tonight :)

Busy Update :)

Hi.  Busy, busy.  Updated Needed.  Here we go.

Let’s see…

Volleyball game?  I didn’t go.  I regret it but I don’t.  The whole family decided to go to the powderpuff football game in town.  Turned out differently of course though.  Found out about an hour before time to leave that Kid1 skipped school that day!  So she was grounded and angry that she got busted.  Hubby decided he didn’t feel like going.  Of course.  Kid3 was happy to play with tractors with his dad.  I took Kid2 to the game, looked for my BFF, didn’t find her, left and picked Kid2 up when it was over.

I was mad that I changed my mind about the volleyball game with the idea that we would all actually go to the powderpuff game and then hubby backed out. It was his idea in the first place.  I was mad and hurt and felt single.  There are SO many things I do alone that a lot of couples do together and I had a little pity party.  And then I was mad at myself for not sticking to my original plan and just going to the volleyball game.

Later I was glad I didn’t go to the volleyball game though.  They had a segment on the news about it.  The vball team is undefeated,.  Apparently this game was the game that would determine if they got to go to championships.  It was a huge deal.  It sold out.  The band was there for a pre-game pep rally, etc etc.  Agh.  I would have freaked with all that going on.  Ha.  I just wanted to go try out a normal game and see if I could get through it without a panic attack.  So then I was glad I didn’t go.

What else?

Parent Teacher Conferences.   I went.  Hubby went with me.  2 strategically timed ativan in me = no panic attack this time.  Good. done.

Parent Visitation Day was yesterday.  Again, 2 strategically timed ativan helped me.  I went, enjoyed myself, felt normal.  I had been thinking about not going this year.  He’s growing up of course and he’s starting to do the thing where its not cool to hang out with your mom anymore.  That makes me sad but honestly I thought it might get me out of anymore parent visitation days!  That makes me sad too cuz he is my baby and is growing up too fast too…. but you get what I mean.  Tuesday night he was saying his prayers before bed and he thanked God that I got to come to school the next day with him.  OK then…. guess I’m going.  Ha!  It was sweet and I’m glad he wanted me there.  And I’m glad I went.  And it was seriously fine and fun and I’m thrilled to report that there was no panic attack in site.

The Play It’s tonight!  (Help!) Again, I will take the ativan and I will go and I will have fun.  That is the plan.

Lots of events this time of year.  This means I better call for an ativan refill.  Sigh.  I hate that I depend on it.  But I love that it works and helps me get out there in the world and do stuff and enjoy my time with my kids.

Yes, I’d love to figure out how to do all this stuff again without it.  But you know what?  Time goes so fast.  They are growing up so fast and I don’t want to be a basket case that misses their childhood – or that messes up their childhood!

Well this was a random type of post.  Ha!  I have to work like a manic at warp speed now.

Wish me luck tonight!  Have a good day everyone!

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do

Read it.

Love it.

Live it.

I’ve been working hard on not giving away my power!

Happy Shoes

Happy Halloween to everyone! 

I was up late last night making an old costume big enough to fit Kid3 for the Halloween parade at school today.  Tonight is the town Halloween parade (girls in band) and trick-or-treating.  Should be a fun day!

Wish I had a costume party to go to and the guts to wear a skimpy costume..  I like this one!



In other news…..

Took Kid2 to the orthodontist this morning.  She wanted to waste time and get back after math class so we had some fun at the Goodwill store :)

(She’s doing great in math so no problem skipping it :)

Got a cute pair of shoes for $2.99.

Love these!  I swear I have arthritis in my feet.  That is a self-diagnosis but my toe joints hurt often!  Lately when I wear sandals that are the thong type – like flip flops where you have to kind of hold onto your shoes with your toes, I get terrible foot cramps!  It really bites.  So these are cute, good quality,  and so very comfortable.  They look brand new and they have thin straps to hold them on at the heel so my toes should be happy!

I have them on now.  It’s the little things in life…..

2013-10-31 11.06.33

I Want to Learn To Dance

I have always admired people who can dance.  I LOVE musicals (movies) and performances.  Love it.  The only dancing I have done is at teen dances in high school and when I took ballet and tap for a year or 2 when I was little.  That’s it.

It’s been nagging at me lately.  OK, it’s been nagging at me ever since I decided to make my life better.  The majority of those “making my life better” changes though have been directed towards my marriage.  In the process, I have become more aware of what I have not been doing for myself.  If asked what I like to do or what my favorite hobbies are – I stare blankly and cannot think of a thing.  Happily, it has been books or websites asking me those questions and not actual people :)

So I’ve been thinking about it.  (It’s amazing what you have room in your mind for when you are not constantly worrying about how your hubby might treat you today or what kind of mood he will be in!)

I like to go geocaching, I like taking walks in the woods.   I used to enjoy crafty things too – but I think more as something to do with my kids and when I was a Girl Scout leader.  I enjoy decoupaging stuff too.  I think I might enjoy scrapbooking if I had the time/energy and could even find all my photos in the mess that is my life.

I like organizing things.  That is a work in progress for me and there is a long road ahead.  I used to be SO organized!  Seriously.  When marriage crap takes over your life there is no end to the amount of damage it causes!  I am embarrassed and tormented by the lack of organization and the mess of clutter in my life right now!  I was just too overwhelmed emotionally to deal with it or care I guess.  I cared when I felt guilty about it but not enough to put any energy into it apparently.  I’m working on that.

And then I thought of dancing.  But I am not a dancer!  What??   But I am in awe of people who can.  So why can’t I do that?

I thought of a friend of mine who took up running because her son joined the track team and she didn’t want him running on the trails alone.  Now she loves it and runs almost everyday of her life – with or without him.  And she is one of the track team coaches.  You go girl!

I’m 42, not too old to learn to dance.  God willing, I still have half of my life ahead of me. Why don’t I fill that time with something I love?  I wonder if I WILL love it.  Maybe I will find out that I like watching people dance better than I like actually dancing.  Well that would be ok too wouldn’t it?

I have absolutely no desire to dance in any formal way.  I just want to have fun and move and not feel stupid.  I want to look good and feel good when I’m dancing.  I think I’d be quite proud of myself if I could pull off some kind of dance routine in my own living room.  My sister and I used to do that when we were kids.  We made up all sorts of dance routines and put on shows for our friends.  Ha.  Perhaps I’m too old for that, but it still makes me smile when I think about it.  And when I hear a song we used, it really brings back memories!  Good ones.  Flight of the Bumblebee.  LOL  Seriously.  yes, classical music.  That music was awesome to dance to!

Forget ballroom dancing or ballet and all that.  I just want simple dances I can learn that I can have fun with.  I looked on amazon and there are a lot of different ‘learn to dance’ DVDs.  There are so many mixed reviews tho so I couldn’t decide which to buy.  Then I just googled it and found some neat ones on youtube.

So this morning I learned a quick dance from a video by Benjamin Allen.  Check it out.  It’s aimed at kids…. just my speed!  LOL

I keep getting up from my office chair, standing here at my desk and doing the moves.  Ha.

I’m having fun already :D

Maybe Millionaires Hired Me :)

SO excited.   Remember the maybe millionaires I had a meeting with a while ago.  We had another conference call this morning and they hired me for bigger and better things which means a bigger and better paycheck :)

I wasn’t nearly as freaked out about this phone meeting although I did take ativan because I’m not stupid.  lol

The project was up for grabs between me and another online marketer that I’ve worked with in the past.  This other guy is cocky.  He is a salesman for sure.  He knows exactly what to say.  He tells the clients exactly what they want to hear and makes promises he can’t keep.

I am not cocky and probably look small in comparison to him.  I answered their questions.  I asked them questions.  I told them my strategy. I couldn’t answer some of their questions right there on the spot.  I told them I would need to research their target audience etc before I could answer.  That’s when the guy decided to hire me instead of cocky guy.  He said he’d rather wait for an intelligent answer than have someone blow smoke us his ass trying to make himself look good.


Let go and Be Happy



Weekend Here I Come

If you read the comments on my last post, you know I didn’t go to the camp with my family.  I don’t like it.  They do.  I decided to worry about me for a change and do what I needed to do for my sanity.

Tonight I have been running around like a looney doing dishes and laundry and all that stuff.  I’m going to read a few blogs, eat some ice cream, watch some TV and got to bed.  It is community yard sale days in town and my BFF talked me into coming in for a while in the morning so I have to be up early at 6am.

I’m just taking a few things to the yard sale cuz I didn’t have time to get a bunch of stuff together.  Mainly I am going to keep her company and so we can hang out a while.  Of course I want to be busy so we can sell our crap, but it’ll be just fine if we just sit and gab for a few hours too!

Then I’ll come home and get busy working.

After they left tonight I went to the store for a few splurges.  I bought a small container of chocolate milk, some Bing cherries, a pint of ice cream, a quart of strawberries, and some dark chocolate, and a bag of pretzels.  I love cruched up pretzels on my ice cream!   Oh, and a thin crust  spinach and 4 cheese pizza that I love and no one else ever does :)

I’m going to relax a bit tonight, socialize a bit in the morning, and then be a busy bee the rest of the weekend.  I will get a bunch of work done for my job of course but I got a few boxes and plan to start decluttering at high speed too.  lol  I’m sick of this feeling overwhelmed and the clutter around me is growing and making it worse!

How do women do it all?

I took off work last week Tues-Friday cuz I felt like I was losing my mind and hubby was  on vaca and we were so freaking busy running around.  And I wanted to catch up on some stuff around the house.  Actually I worked about an hour a day most of those days before people got up in the mornings.    It was awesome and I felt so relaxed being able to just hang out with my family and not worry about getting back to the stupid computer and deadlines hanging over my head.But now I am so far behind and my hours for this paycheck are gonna suck.  And we need the money now more than ever.

Besides that, working from home when everyone is home all day is crazy hard. It really is, I don’t think people believe that but it is very hard for me to stay focused.

Today I worked about an hour this morning, then we went to xyz and picked up the pop up camper we just bought (for an awesome deal! have been looking for one for several years!), then I worked about half an hour before taking everyone to the dentist.  I was going to work when we got home but the girls went shopping with their cousin and Kid3 was the only one here and he wanted to hang out with me. I love that he wants to hang out with me and hate that I constantly have to tell him I cant do stuff cuz I am working.  So we set up the camper and started cleaning it out.

Tomorrow morning we are scrubbing it.  I will work after that.

Thursday the kids have dr appts/physicals at 9:15.  Then we go to the eye doctor. Then we need to exchange Kid3’s sneakers, buy 2  bday gifts, and grocery shop.   It is not going to be a quick trip. I was hoping to take them to Olive Garden too.  It’s probably been about a year since we all went out to eat somewhere that wasn’t fast food!    I am not complaining and I am looking forward to that day with my babies.  I’m just saying that its another day that I’m not working.  Hopefully I will get to work when we get home from that.  If I have any energy left.

Friday I’m pretty sure I will get to work. I want to make a lasagna to take to the camp. Kid2 has a basketball game at 5:30 at the Y.

Hubby wants to leave for the camp Friday night after the basketball game

I want to go cuz I feel left out.
I want to go cuz I know my kids want me to go.
I want to go so I won’t feel guilty for not going like I always do.

But then it is also the perfect time for me to actually get some work done.  Sigh.  I dont know.   I am so freaking stressed out and no one seems to get it.

I’ve got 7 hours of work that I didn’t get done for July for a special project.  If I get it done soon, I can back date it so it is on this paycheck.  It pays good money – much more than my normal hourly rate,

We need the money, that is the truth.

It makes me want to cry cuz I feel like a disappointment to everyone.  I don’t know what to do about it though.  I have a job and responsibilities that I am falling behind on.  I have a family who feels like I “always have to work”.  I can’t do it all.  That’s all I guess.

And next weekend we are going on our family camping trip so that is more time away.  I am excited about that and cant wait.  The camp they are going to this weekend  is hubby’s family camp.  It’s not really a camp, its more like a trailer on a mountain.  They love, i don’t.  :)

I probably won’t go. I will feel guilty. I will make the in-laws mad and disappoint hubby and my kids.  Yippee.

At least I will be able to pay the bills though right?

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.