Let me tell you about last night.

Last night was the spring formal dance for kid2.  She was gorgeous as usual.


Image Source :DebShops.com

These are the shoes she wore – sparkly gold – and the rest of the outfit was even more fabulous.


Let me backtrack just a little….Kid2 also had an ortho appointment that morning that hubby took her to. 

The day before when Kid3 puked yet again at school – hubby went to pick him up and I made an appt and he took him to the doctor.  Hubby didn’t get to bed that day until about 2pm after working all night.

He’s been doing all the running around since I’ve been freaking out about driving.  And he has been wonderful about it.  I have had great guilt, especially when he needs to be sleeping!

So last night was the formal.  How this usually goes is we get ready, take pictures at home with the family, go to town, meet up with friends at the park that has great backdrops for more pics and take pics with friends, dates, etc.  Then we take them all up to the school where they see a few more friends, we take a few more pics, and then they finally go into the dance.  And we pick them up when its over.  Hubby has never participated in any of that.  And I was worried that he was reaching the end of his rope – feeling stressed about having to do all of this stuff he doesn’t normally have to do.

(NOT ONCE did I point out that I usually do all the stuff that he is feeling overwhelmed doing…. ha… but I want to point that out here!  Don’t you know it ladies!)

So in anticipation for last night let’s just say I was fully loaded with ativan.  Ha, that sounds bad.  But really, I wanted it in my system full strength because I was really afraid that I would have to do all that on my own last night and I still haven’t driven much at all since the driving panic attacks have been in high gear.  I spread the ativan throughout the day like you are supposed to.  I took 2 and 1/2 yesterday.

Turns out hubby was awesome – as he has been lately.  He was a little irritated when he heard about all the picture taking plans but he went along with it anyway.

He held her coat and gabbed with the other dads and when it was all over, I think he was glad he went.  I said “see what you’ve been missing!” He just laughed.  Kid2 was going t a friends house after the dance so no need to go pick her up.

Another thing on the list of things I’d asked hubby to do for me before Sunday was go get my RX refill.  Well with all that ativan in me, and my successful little drive around the block the other day, I decided I was going to try it myself.  I figured I’d go myself, pull over when I needed to, wait it out and carry on.  I need to face this.

Hubby offered to come along.  I said no.  He suggested I take Kid1 with me.  I said no.  I don’t want people watching me freak out!  So off I went.  I made sure I had Roar playing. Ha.  Never really got into that song before but it felt so empowering the other night, I put it on my ipod.

I was ok.  There were some what if moments.  But there were no black spots.  I am hosting Easter dinner for  my family here on Sunday and need some groceries but I had decided that once I got there, if all I could do was go through the drive through pharmacy window, that was just fine.  Well I did that and my RX wasnt ready of course so I had 20 minutes to kill.  SO I went and did my grocery shopping.  Then I went into the Dollar store next door.  I was walking around thinking wow – I feel like a normal person!  Yay.

So I got my med and drove home.  No trouble.  Yes, there were the thoughts in the back of my head but they didn’t take over.  Hubby loves mcdonalds double cheeseburgers.  I knew he was planning to be working in the garage on his 4-wheeler so I did a drive through and got some burgers for him and the kids and some fries for me.  (YUM – it’s been SO long since I ate any french fries!)

I went straight to the garage when I got home and he looked up with a big smile and said “There you are!  I had my phone with me in case you needed me.”  I said I come bearing gifts and gave him the burger.  He laughed and sat down and ate it.  I told him how I felt like a normal person tonight but I hated that it took all that med to make me feel that way.  You know what he said?  Well if that’s what it takes to straighten out those chemicals in your brain, then that’s what it takes.

THAT IS HUGE.  Because that means he looked it up and was reading about panic attacks.  He had told me he was going to do that cuz he just couldn’t understand what was wrong with me.  He has always been one of those guys that reject medicine and thinks that if you were just stronger, you could deal with it.  Like you feel nervous about something? Buck up and do it anyway. So he finally sees that there is more to it than that.  I’m sure that watching me freak out  – actually seeing me freak out in the car and not being able to get off the bathroom floor – helped him realize it was really real.  Ha!

So then I left him in the garage and went home to my other kiddos who were lost in minecraft world.  They only looked up when they smelled cheeseburgers.   lol

Then I thought of him saying about having his phone with him just in case.  So I texted him


And he is.  He really is here for me.


Late Night Gab Session ❤

Kid2 – who is 14 – just sat here on my bed tonight and babbled at me for about an hour.  It doesn’t happen often but I love it when it does!  It’s hard to get the teenage people to open up sometimes so it’s awesome when they do :)

She is going to the spring formal with this guy she has had a crush on for a long time.  He is a jerk plain and simple.  He has liked her on and off and then just dumps her without giving her any reason whatsoever.  She has cried many nights because of him.

They are “just friends” now and have been for a while, even though she still liked him.  They were just friends when they decided to go to the formal together also.  I wasn’t thrilled but want her to be able to figure this out on her own.  I’m well aware that forbidding something makes teenagers want it even more.  ha.

Well now she has decided that she really doesn’t like him at all and doesn’t even want to go with him to the formal.  It’s in 2 weeks.  A lot can happen in 2 weeks so we’ll see how this works out.  She is all worked up about it though and doesn’t know what to do.  My advice was to give him an out and see if he takes it.  AND if he is rude to her – she has every right to tell him she will no longer be his date – never mind that that his mom already bought a shirt and tie for him to match Kid2’s dress.

Sucks to be him!


My Daughter Is Strong

My daughter is one of my heroes.  She constantly amazes me.  She makes me want to be a better person.  She inspires me to be stronger.

She and I are very much alike.  Very much.  We are more alike than she wants to see right now.  She is a teenager and I don’t blame her for that.  She is all about finding her independence right now so I won’t spoil it for her and point out how much she is just like me!

The difference is that she is STRONGER!   She is like a stronger version of me!  It’s weird to see actually.  Ha.  But I’m so happy for her.  We are alike in that she is extremely empathetic.  She is kind and supportive and loyal.  But she isn’t gonna take anyone’s crap and that makes me want to jump for joy!  She got her strength from her dad, no doubt.  It is a good combination if you ask me. :)

She posted this video on facebook recently.  It sounds exactly like the stuff she is always saying to her friends about boys!


I love that she gets this.  I’m hoping she can live it herself.  There is a boy that she can’t seem to let go of though and he is not respectful of her.  I think she sees it but you know, he’s hot or something.  lol

I hope that she remembers this and chooses wisely.  I pray that she can see it all more clearly than I ever did.  I pray that she demands respect from her future husband and never has to deal with all the heartache I have.

She makes me proud :)

Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas everyone. I’m laying in bed typing this on my kids iPad. Hubby is home but watching tv in the basement still. He’s not tired. He’s used to being up all night at work so days off are still weird sleeping schedules. I hope that he will actually sleep with me when he is tired tho :/

tonight was nice.  We continued a tradition we started last year and made egg rolls, wontons etc. and then we even decided to invite hubby’s parents at the last minute. we watched a DVD about Jesus’ birth and then we just hung out the rest of the night.

This is our first year without Santa. Sigh. These kids are growing up faster than I can stand :(

a friend of mine posted on Facebook tonight that this is her first ever Christmas without her babies at home with her. She divorced her husband this year and it was his turn with them. That makes my heart ache.

hubby and I have been doing pretty darn good!  And I am so thankful!  especially so I don’t have to divorce his butt and not get to see my kids on Christmas!

I feel peaceful tonight. I pray pray pray that tomorrow goes well. I think it will. For a look back at the most miserable Christmas we’ve ever had.. Click here. 

Im going to read it just to remind myself how far we’ve come.

I wish u all the best. Hope you all have a Merry Christmas!

Dear God, Thank you for everything!

Busy Update :)

Hi.  Busy, busy.  Updated Needed.  Here we go.

Let’s see…

Volleyball game?  I didn’t go.  I regret it but I don’t.  The whole family decided to go to the powderpuff football game in town.  Turned out differently of course though.  Found out about an hour before time to leave that Kid1 skipped school that day!  So she was grounded and angry that she got busted.  Hubby decided he didn’t feel like going.  Of course.  Kid3 was happy to play with tractors with his dad.  I took Kid2 to the game, looked for my BFF, didn’t find her, left and picked Kid2 up when it was over.

I was mad that I changed my mind about the volleyball game with the idea that we would all actually go to the powderpuff game and then hubby backed out. It was his idea in the first place.  I was mad and hurt and felt single.  There are SO many things I do alone that a lot of couples do together and I had a little pity party.  And then I was mad at myself for not sticking to my original plan and just going to the volleyball game.

Later I was glad I didn’t go to the volleyball game though.  They had a segment on the news about it.  The vball team is undefeated,.  Apparently this game was the game that would determine if they got to go to championships.  It was a huge deal.  It sold out.  The band was there for a pre-game pep rally, etc etc.  Agh.  I would have freaked with all that going on.  Ha.  I just wanted to go try out a normal game and see if I could get through it without a panic attack.  So then I was glad I didn’t go.

What else?

Parent Teacher Conferences.   I went.  Hubby went with me.  2 strategically timed ativan in me = no panic attack this time.  Good. done.

Parent Visitation Day was yesterday.  Again, 2 strategically timed ativan helped me.  I went, enjoyed myself, felt normal.  I had been thinking about not going this year.  He’s growing up of course and he’s starting to do the thing where its not cool to hang out with your mom anymore.  That makes me sad but honestly I thought it might get me out of anymore parent visitation days!  That makes me sad too cuz he is my baby and is growing up too fast too…. but you get what I mean.  Tuesday night he was saying his prayers before bed and he thanked God that I got to come to school the next day with him.  OK then…. guess I’m going.  Ha!  It was sweet and I’m glad he wanted me there.  And I’m glad I went.  And it was seriously fine and fun and I’m thrilled to report that there was no panic attack in site.

The Play It’s tonight!  (Help!) Again, I will take the ativan and I will go and I will have fun.  That is the plan.

Lots of events this time of year.  This means I better call for an ativan refill.  Sigh.  I hate that I depend on it.  But I love that it works and helps me get out there in the world and do stuff and enjoy my time with my kids.

Yes, I’d love to figure out how to do all this stuff again without it.  But you know what?  Time goes so fast.  They are growing up so fast and I don’t want to be a basket case that misses their childhood – or that messes up their childhood!

Well this was a random type of post.  Ha!  I have to work like a manic at warp speed now.

Wish me luck tonight!  Have a good day everyone!

My mom came to all my games?

I made it through the volleyball game with my mother.  She was nice and I’m glad she came. I could tell hubby felt a little weird about it too but he did ok talking to her.  She and stepdad want to come to the next home game too.  We’ll see if she follows through with that.

I have vented on here before about how she never came to my games etc when I was a teenager.  I said to her last night that I don’t remember her coming to many of my games.  She said “what?!?  I think I came to all of them!  We sat right over there.”  She said she brought my little bro & sis and my dad popped in maybe for maybe one game a year.

Hmmm.  Ok, so do I really just remember it wrong?  I will have to ask my older sister today who played also.  I remember that we would go to the pay phone in the lobby and call home and click the receiver so we didn’t have to pay and she would know that we were ready to be picked up.  I remember waiting in the gym lobby after many games – waiting for our ride.

It was sad actually to realize all the things my mom doesn’t know about my world.  She asked if Kid1 had been in the agricultural parade with the band, they didn’t see her.  I said yes she was there.  I said Kid2 was there too.  They asked what did she do in the parade?  I said she is in band too.  Oh.  awkward silence.  What does she play?  The sax.

Also, Kid1 started at the vocational school this year, so she splits her days between there and the high school.  For this program she is also dual enrolled in a local community college so that she can earn college credits for her courses at the vocational school.  This was a big decision and a we talked about it a lot while she was trying to decide.  My mom had no idea that she was doing this.  That is crazy sad.  She is so removed from our lives.  :(

As far as the bleachers go, well I was double dosed on ativan – so I was fine.  Ugh.

My Teenagers

There are things I want to tell my kids / help them with/ guide them in the right direction…

I need a way other than straight out telling them because I sound like a nag cuz I’ve said it before and they tune me out.

I wish I could find an inspirational website or book for them.  I am a total book lover and I’m sure some exist that could help but how to even find such a book.

My 13 year old is chasing a boy that is a jerk.  And he doesn’t like her which is painfully obvious.  If he ever replies to one of her texts she thinks that all is well and that he likes her.  And of course he tells her he does but then doesn’t reply to any of her texts for days on end. He lives on a farm and says he is too busy to text.   But other friends have told her he texts them.  And he shows her texts to others and laughs that she is chasing him.  I seriously do not like this kid.

She has liked him for a long time.  After Christmas she asked him what he got for Christmas.  He said “a hand job”.  Yep.  Isn’t he awesome?  Some of this I know from spot checking her phone – which she knows I do but sometimes she forgets to delete everything. ha.  Some of it she tells me.  Some of it another mom tells me cuz her daughter tells her everything.  Thanks to this kid, I have had to explain to my daughter what a hand job was.  Yep.  I did because she didn’t know and I certainly didn’t want her to google it!  Agh!

She says she knows he’s  mean, but he’s nice to her.  I told her I thought she deserved a guy that is nice to everyone, not just her.  (Cuz we all know that will wear off and he’ll be mean to her too! )  She said he’s everything she wants, except that he’s rude.  How can he be everything she wants and BE RUDE?   (Don’t get me started on how this is all my fault since I put up with her dad for too long and he was mean and rude and isnt that a great male role model for her!?)

And her new best friend is a total drama queen and so controlling.  Kid2 stands up to her which I’m glad about – but that means there is constant drama with these two.  I want her to go back to her old BFF she’s had since kindergarten.  Wow 7th grade was a hard year for these girls.  It shook up all of their relationships.  :(

So I need a book for her to read.  Some great teenage romance where the girl likes a jerk and ignores the nice guy, but then figures out she got it backwards.  Anyone know of a book with that story that is suitable for a 13 year old?  Is there a place that you can search for books by the plot?  That would be awesome.

And my 15 year old is a social outcast.  Sad.  She hasn’t done ONE thing with friends ALL summer!  She doesn’t even try.  It makes me sad for her.  She acts like it doesn’t bother her.  But then she has occasional meltdowns where it all comes out.  Times like this are when I wish we weren’t from such a small town.

The girls she used to hang out with in grade school are now the popular crowd.  Apparently she didn’t make the cut once high school began.  The other group is a group that I don’t want her to hang out with and she doesn’t want to either.  They are smoking and swearing and hanging out in town way too late at night.  She is in the middle.  She is friends with everyone she says.  And when school is in that works ok because she talks to everyone at school.  But she isn’t included in parties and anything outside of school.  She really is fun and sweet.  She is immature for her age.  I know that.  And she doesn’t do well at socializing.  What I mean is – she kind of just watches and listens and follows along when she is in a group of friends.  She doesn’t really contribute to the conversations or show her personality at all.  I think it’s easy to forget she is even there.  That is what I see happening.

I’ve talked to her a lot about talking too and contributing to the conversation.  We’ve talked about things she could say when she doesn’t know what to say…  I don’t know how to help her and it hurts my heart.

Is there a book that helps her figure this out?  A website?  I can tell her to text people and just ask how their summer is going – but she doesn’t do it.  I tell her to invite someone over to swim, she says she can’t think of anyone to invite…  sigh.

“He Never Cared…Before”

“He never cared about that before.”

“Well he does now.”

“For now.”

This was a conversation between kid2 and I.  Hubby still hasn’t given her electronics back.  It’s been since Saturday morning.  It is now Thursday morning.  He is a tough cookie.  I wanted to give them back to her Tuesday night.  She got her feelings hurt pretty badly by some of her “friends” and I knew she really wanted to talk to her BFF.  They have actually been calling each other.  Using the phone to talk to each other?!?  Imagine that! lol  But it was too late to call that night and she was crying and ugh.  Hubby still said no.

I think he is right.  He is tougher than I have been with this stuff.  But notice that they will listen to him and they treat me like crap so I guess I’ve been doing it wrong :(  I need to get tougher.  I asked him to at least give them back to her for a short while that night.  Nope.  He wouldn’t budge.

The next day Kid2 and I were talking about it and she said she didn’t know why he was upset anyway. She said she didn’t do anything to HIM.  I said no, you did something to me.  And she pointed out that he never cared about that before.

And she is right.  I’ve said many times that its no wonder my kids talk back to me like they do – they see their dad treat me like crap.

“He never cared about that before.”

That sentence very easily translates to

“He never cared about you before.”



Her last comment got me.  “For now.”  And she wasn’t being sassy, we were just talking.  I don’t blame her for thinking that it won’t last.


Dear God,  Please make this last.  Amen.

One More Good Thing: Parenting Together

One more thing – Kid1 was really being rude and mouthing off the other day.


He told her she would NOT talk to her mother that way.  Are you kidding me?  And he keeps doing that!  It’s awesome.  He would never do that before.  Before he had this awesome parenting idea where he said “You do it your way, I’ll do it mine.”  Yea, that works.  Not.  Now though – I feel like we are actually in it together!  He actually steps up to the plate and dishes out some discipline.  When they aren’t listening, he makes them turn off the TV and get busy doing homework or whatever they were told. (Before he would just sit and watch it with them! No joke.) .

Kid2 wasn’t allowed to go to a movie night at her friends cuz she had attitude and didn’t help at all that day – we were all outside mowing and weeding strawberries etc.  She was told to help several times.  But even when she did finally come outside, she just complained and moved at turtle speed.  That was his decision completely, I never even brought it up!

He is actually parenting his kids in a way that makes sense.  Before he would not ever back me up.  He was the oh so fun dad that never made them do anything – until he got ticked that they never did anything and blew his top.  This is so much better!

OK.  I promise I’m done now.  I have to get to work.  I will ignore the half written posts that are me complaining about him and just focus on the positive today :)

Cautious Celebration

The thing that prompted (and I forgot to even mention!) that whole last post was ….

Yesterday Kid3 brought home more info about the musical.  It gives the order of events etc and says that “grades 4, 5 & 6 chorus members will close the musical …” blah blah blah….

Hmm.  I asked Kid3 if he was in chorus?  He said no.  Oh, so you’re not in it?  No.


We don’t have to go!!!!!  Big grin.  Big big grin.  I told hubby it was sad how very happy it made me to read that.


I would still like to go to the art show/open house at the school afterwards, I love seeing all the art work!  Before kid3 thought his class was playing their recorders in the musical so I guess I should be cautious with my celebration.  It may just be a mean trick.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.