We have been married for 20 years.   TWENTY YEARS.

I don’t feel old enough for that to be possible!

But yes, today is our 20th anniversary.  And I really felt like celebrating it this year!  For real.  That is the best feeling ever.

I found this quaint little cabin not too far away with a hot tub that I wanted to rent and have a little get away but hubby shot that idea down cuz it was too expensive.  I disagreed but let it go….  I should have just booked it and then surprised him.

He worked last night of course. We decided to go to breakfast this morning together since evenings are full of baseball games and all sorts of other kid events.

There is a new Bob Evans in our area so we went there and got big yummy breakfast meals.  Then we ran around to do a few errands and came home.  Not very exciting but… it was fun.  And relaxing.  Then we came home and enjoyed each others company a little bit more before he went to sleep :)

I feel secure it my marriage.  I feel happy.  I feel loved.  The other day his jerk side popped out and I was very worried but just went away from him for a while.  The next day I asked him about it and he said knew he wasn’t being OK and explained what he was feeling and we moved on.  Life isn’t prefect.  It never will be.  But I love my husband and he loves me and we have a happy marriage.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to say that!

Today, I am PROUD to say that I have been married to this man for 20 years.  (We all know that wasn’t always the case!!!)

When I initially told hubby about the cabin I wanted to rent, he said that he’d be happy just to stay home and cook some burgers on the grill.   I said What is that??  This is 20 years we need to do something more special!!  Ha.

Later I was thinking about that and it grew in my mind to having a party.  I thought we could do it a Friday evening – 7:00ish so it would soon get dark and we could enjoy the firepit and some fire works and glow stick on the trampoline (Kids – not me!)….  I picture us inviting both sides of the family and maybe even some friends.  And let the kids invite friends too.  Plus it seems more causal if it is dark out and we aren’t all sitting there in the sunlight wondering what to say to each other… we never get together with both sides of the family so that might be a little weird.  But I think that letting the kids invite friends too makes it all a bit more chaotic and fun and not calm and boring with people not knowing what to say.  I picture burgers on the grill, hot dogs and kraut in the crockpot, potatoe skins in the oven, my mom-in-laws pies, chips, dips, fruit trays and veggies with dip.  My sis-in-law has some lawn games we could borrow.  Hubby’s side of the family likes to drink so we can have coolers with beer and wine coolers, and another with soda.  I want to send people invitations that say “Come help us celebrate our 20th anniversary!”  See, I’m figuring it all out in my head.

A few days ago I asked him if he meant he wanted to have people over and do burgers…. he said no, I meant just our family…  So he meant just like that’s what he’d like for dinner.  Ha.  He laughed off the idea of a party.

I brought it up again today in the car.  I told him who I wanted to invite etc.  I told him I feel like we are in a good place and have a happy marriage and its been a crazy 20 years and I think we are happier now than for a long long time – maybe ever.  He agreed with the “maybe ever” statement by the way.  :)  I told him I actually feel like celebrating this cuz I’m so happy and proud of us.  He didn’t say a lot but said “let me think about it…..”   I even told him the date I want to have it.  So now, I will wait a few days before I bring it up again.  Obviously if he doesn’t want to, it will not be fun, it will be stressful and something for us to argue about instead of being a celebration so I need to get him on board.

I’m really excited about it though and that surprises me actually.


Hubby Has Been Awesome

Hubby is being awesomely supportive and I love him more than ever.  Yesterday he wasn’t home and I was on the phone with a client.  I was getting very dizzy but I needed to work since I missed so mush time this week being sick.  I sat down on my office floor and then was hunkered with my head on the floor, trying to stop the dizziness, all the while carrying on a (hopefully!) intelligent conversation with the client who had no idea.

I heard hubby come in but he doesn’t usually come see me right away.  Well he did yesterday and saw me on the floor and looked so concerned.  Ha.  I made like a swirling motion like I was just dizzy and he laughed.  He just sat there and rubbed my back while I talked to my client.  How sweet is that?  :)

He has been stepping up and driving kiddos more places – just volunteering and not making a big deal of it.  He knows I don’t want them to know I’ve been having panic attacks while driving.

They do know I’ve been feeling dizzy and have different medicine and that is why.  And obviously they know I’ve been sick.  A long time ago I told them my medicine (Wellbutrin at the time) was for my heat flashes.  I’ve told them how horrible this new medicine is making me feel and that it makes me dizzy and I don’t feel comfortable driving anywhere right now.  So they think this is all because of hot flashes/hormones etc.

Anyway, hubby has been awesome.  And concerned.  And sweet.  And helpful.  I have been surprised by his concern but I am thrilled of course that this has been his reaction.  I was worried I’d have to fight this alone.  Instead, he has been by my side and it has been awesome.

At Home in My Own Home

I watched the movie Dreamgirls for the first time in April 2012. I wrote about it here.

It was on TV this weekend.  I found it as I was flipping through the channels.   Funny that it was almost to the part that touched my soul last time.  The song Listen was SO powerful to me last time.  I had watched it again and again and then found it on youtube later.  This time, I was alone in my bedroom and turned it up loud.  I didn’t feel it.  I even got distracted by my phone during that scene.  Later, laying in my bed with my hubby snoring next to me, I thought about it some more.  I don’t feel that way anymore.  I DO feel at home in my own home now.  I DO feel like he hears me again.


I am glad I happened upon the movie this weekend.  I am glad to be able to see the progress in my life.  I am also grateful for the reminder to stay strong and be who I am.

It works better than crying at him :)

My primary love language is words of affirmation.  That is SO very opposite of the way hubby is.  Go figure.  We’ve talked about it plenty and sometimes he takes a hint and says something nice when he knows I really need to hear it.

The other day one of my lovely teenagers was being a terror the way only teenagers can do and I was feeling guilty and sad that she “hated” me.  I needed him to tell me I was a good mom – despite her screaming at me that I was the worst.  He was getting ready to leave for work.  I said I really need to hear it – I’m a good mom right???  He just laughed and kept getting ready.  I said “seriously hun!  You don’t think I’m wrong do you?”  He said I wasn’t wrong (about saying no to kid2).  So when he was leaving he gave me a hug and I said “Can you just tell me that I’m a good mom??? It will make me feel better!”  He said “I told you that you weren’t wrong!  Why are you bugging me about this?” and got a bit irritated.  He left for work and I cried.

The whole night had been tense with kid2 trying to get her way and being angry at me for not giving in.  I needed a hug and some reassurance from him.  As I typed that sentence up there – me asking him to tell me I was a good mom, it sounds pathetic on my part.  I see that.  Especially now that its typed out.  But really!  I am a person that doesn’t have a lot of self-confidence.  I’m much better than I used to be and still working in it.  BUT he knows this about me.  He knows all about my childhood and why I am the way I am – why couldn’t he have just thrown me a bone!?!?  Yea, that reference makes me look even more pitiful doesn’t it?  Ugh.  Hopefully you know what I mean.

I’ve figured out that what hubby needs is for me to give him my undivided attention when he’s talking to me.  He wants eye contact – that makes him feel loved.  No, he didnt tell me this.  That would be mushy and involve talking about feelings….lol  But I’ve learned this about him.  So I do it as often as possible.  It’s not always possible, but I try.

And there I was, telling him exactly what I needed. (Cuz I don’t expect him to guess cuz that doesn’t work)  And he wouldn’t do it!

And that hurt.  That was … rejection.  Being rejected sucks.

I think that he wouldnt say it because I asked him to say it. In his mind, I told him to say it.  Hubby hates being told what to do.  He digs his heels in and won’t budge if he feels like he is being bossed around.

My heart was crying out and begging for his approval.  And he refused.  I wasn’t being bossy, I was being pathetic and begging.  Wow.  This post sucks.  Who knows where it will lead next!  lol

Anyway, I calmed down and sent him the text below.

2014-01-21 14.10.23 - Copy

The point of this post is that I’ve found texting him a summed up version of the problem works so much better than an intense conversation.  I try to keep it short & to the point, offer a solution and keep it light.  And if I can make it funny at all, I add that too. Now that I’ve typed this all out I wish I had a better example.  (One that didn’t highlight my neediness!)  but the point is the same.  I’ve done this with a lot of things.  Sometimes he’ll reply.  Most of the times he wont.  Sometimes he’ll comment the next day.  Most of the times he won’t.  Sometimes things will change and I know he got my point.  Other times it makes no difference and things continue as they were.   Only time will tell if that last text makes any difference.

But isn’t that the same as the big “we need to talk” conversations?  I hate those.  I’m trying to avoid those because they don’t work for us.  He immediately feels attacked and shuts down.  That makes me feel like he doesn’t care how I feel – which means he doesn’t love me – which makes me wonder why I bother trying so hard to fix this marriage….which leads to the divorce discussion.  Those conversation go downhill fast for us and do nothing to help us fix things.

My Marriage is Good & Other Random Updates

Hi.  It’s been a while.  Just the usual busyness of life.  Funny how the blog posts still play in my head though.  I have all sorts of thing to say when I’m in the middle of other things and no time to type.  Then I come here and don’t remember what I wanted to say… lol

I set the time for an hour and gave myself permission to update my blog instead of working or cleaning :)

Let’s see… Marriage – Really good.  Amazing.  So awesome that I can say my marriage is good!  Yay!  I believe he has turned a corner and is truly coming out of the fog of anger and misery that he has been living in the past few years.  He laughs a lot now.  And smiles.


I’m still getting used to it.  I’m still trying to let my guard down and trust him again.  I am constantly waiting for a negative reaction from him.  I still expect him to blow up over all sorts of stupid things.  He keeps proving me wrong and amazing me.  I think the kids are feeling the same , someone says or does something that used to fire him up in a ridiculous, completely unnecessary way – and we all kind of just wait and maybe look at each other with an “Oh no” type of look… and then he handles it like a normal person.  And then we all breathe a silent sigh of relief and life goes on.

I feel like I can say whatever I want to now.  Well not ANYTHING – I still try to be tactful and I am working my way up to some things…. one step at a time right!?

I point things out to him all the time though.  I’m not trying to nag him – I just want him to see things in a different way.  I want him to see how the rest of us look at the things that he gets ticked off about.  This past weekend – several times he yelled “You people!”  like he was disgusted about something we’d all done.   One was about the dishwasher, the other was about a clogged toilet.   So on Sunday morning while we were drinking coffee and gabbing, I said “Think you can get through the day without yelling “You people!” at us?”  I said it with a smile and in a relaxed way so he wouldn’t feel attacked and we wouldn’t have to get in a fight about it.  He said he just says that cuz he doesn’t know who did it and he’s talking to all of us.  I said yelling you people and storming away doesn’t do anything except make us wonder what hes ticked off  about now. He said he wasn’t ticked off. He just wanted people to know … blah blah blah.  I think the rest of the story is irrelevant.  The point is that we talk about this stuff now.  We talk TO each other now.  I call him on his crappy behavior.  And don’t worry he calls me on mine – he always has.  lol  But now he does it in a nicer way.

We have been watching American idol together as a family the way we used to.  Sounds corny I guess but there are so few things on TV that we all want to watch.   Not all of the kids are always there but whoever is home comes to the living room and we hangout and watch and laugh and talk at commercials :)  At first he made a comment about not liking Harry.  I said why?? cuz he’s a hottie??  He just looked at me and frowned.   Well he’s changed his mind and thinks he’s hilarious now.  But compare this to when the guy at the grocery store told me I have beautiful eyes and hubby sulked and was a jerk for days…. I called another guy a hottie TO HIS FACE and all he did was frown!

Don’t want this to get real long and hard to read.  I have a bunch of draft posts that I started and plan to look through here now and post or trash them.  Things are going to be all out of order.  And probably contradictory too.    Yes, my marriage is pretty good.  Better than its been in a lot of years.  That being said, he still pisses me off.  ha  Some days he still does some really jerky things.  I’m not saying its all fixed.  I’m saying it is SSSOOOOO much better.

I apologize in advance for the randomness of my updates, if I stress about doing this “right” I wont do it and then I’ll get further behind.  This blog is my place to vent, not a place that should stress me out about not doing it right, all in order etc.  Just saying. Ok.  Bye!

He Tried to Sleep with Me

Ha ha.  It’s not how it sounds…

New Years Eve
For the first time EVER we were all awake at midnight on New Years Eve!  Usually at least one of the kids is sound asleep.  And hubby is usually out but we wake him up.

Around 1am I was headed to bed and asked if he was coming soon.  I cant remember his exact answer but basically it was probably not – and he probably wasn’t going to sleep upstairs either – and he was more than a little defensive about it.  He had been asleep on and off all night.  He sleeps so weird from working 3rd shift!

I said  “Hubby.  Really?”  which of course sounded like a scolding from someone’s mother, which of course makes him want to rebel right?  I heard my tone too late, after it was already out of my mouth.  The kids were all sitting there looking at me and I’m glad they were or I probably would have started a fight with him.  So I went up to bed and tried not to be pissed off.  Lots of angry thoughts running through my head.  “Great way to start 2014 – with a great big pile of rejection from my husband.”  “So nothing has really changed at all has it???”  I really hate when he doesn’t sleep in the same bed with me.

To me, moments are important.  Occasions are worth recognizing and making into special moments. Traditions can be awesome.  You know – kiss at midnight on New Years eve.  Kiss under the mistletoe at Christmas time (still waiting for that one!)  etc etc etc.  Those are perfect scenarios for a little romance – and no big planning is required right!?!?

The way I look at it –  it’s New Years Eve – its a new start to a new year – lets start it right…  I wanna kiss my hubby at midnight and wake up in the same bed as my husband on the first day of the new year.

The way I think he sees it –  It’s 1am, it’s late but he’s wide awake.  Craig Ferguson is on.

So I laid in bed and told him off in my head for a good while.  I knew that I REALLY didn’t want this to be the way we start the new year though, especially because things have been good.  And he HAS been sleeping with me more often than he has in a long time.  So I calmed myself and changed my attitude and went to the basement where he was watching TV.  I said “I don’t want to fight with you but you aren’t gonna ditch me on New Years eve!”  I said it with a big smile :D  He just laughed a little and said he wasn’t ditching me, he was just wide awake and wanted to watch Ferguson a while.  OK then.  I kissed him and went to bed.

He came to bed  a short while later.  :)

Well apparently he was miserable and couldn’t sleep.  Finally he had enough and went downstairs.

When I came downstairs the next morning he was watching TV.  I got my coffee and joined him.  I think he was waiting for me to give him heck.  He started telling me how miserable he was all night.  He said he had eaten way too much the day before (had 2 family get-togethers that day).  He said his belly felt big like a great big beer belly and he had heart burn.  He slept sitting up in the recliner in the living room.

He told me that he said to himself “She knows I was here.  I’m going downstairs!”

I love that!  :)

He cared how I felt.  That is beyond awesome!

Christmas was Nice (2013)

Christmas was nice.

It is a big deal for me to be able to say that.  This day has become symbolic in my marriage, not for the right reasons.

Christmas Day 2010 was the day I admitted to myself that I wanted a divorce.  And it’s been a roller coaster ever since!

So yes, Christmas was nice. Nothing big to report about it actually and that is a GOOD THING!  ha.

Oh – here’s something.  Hubby is terrible at gift giving.  It stresses him out to try to pick something.  Sometimes I get nothing for birthdays, anniversaries etc.  Usually though for Christmas I get gifts he begrudgingly buys at the last minute just cuz he knows he better.  ha.  This year that was different.  It was the week before Christmas and he actually asked me what I wanted.  Personally I would love a surprise gift that he picked cuz he knew what I liked… but this is reality and that just isn’t him.   (Well occasionally it’s him – remember the cedar chest which I love!)  It is very helpful to him if I just tell him what I want instead of him trying to guess.  That stresses him out.

I like those sideways cross necklaces.  I told him I wanted one of those.  I told him I liked the ones that are curved better though than the straight ones.  One morning after the kids got on the bus, his sister said she was going shopping and talked him into going.  I’m so glad!  She should drag him along every year!  Apparently it’s quite difficult to find the sideways cross necklaces that are curved.  They found plenty that were sideways and straight.  Who knew.  I had seen them online.  He said they went to every jewelry store in the area.  They did find one at a fancy schmancy place but they wanted $500 for it.  NOT in the budget.  LOL  He said they finally found it on their final stop of the day.  I didn’t realize I was sending him on a wild goose chase when I told him what I’d like.  I think its awesome though because it required effort and he still did it! Yay.  Needless to say, I love my new necklace!

Large Curved CZ Sideways Cross Necklace

(Last Christmas I actually used a big black marker and circled something in a sales flyer that I wanted for Christmas – I think it was a necklace – and put it on his dresser.  Talk about a hint, right?  Doesn’t get much easier than that!  I didn’t get it – or any other necklace either actually.  It was never even mentioned at all.  Ha.)

He wasn’t overflowing with sweetness or mush or anything Christmas morning.  But he wasn’t jerky or rude or grumpy.  AT ALL.  He was just him.  And that is all that I can ask for.  ❤

Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas everyone. I’m laying in bed typing this on my kids iPad. Hubby is home but watching tv in the basement still. He’s not tired. He’s used to being up all night at work so days off are still weird sleeping schedules. I hope that he will actually sleep with me when he is tired tho :/

tonight was nice.  We continued a tradition we started last year and made egg rolls, wontons etc. and then we even decided to invite hubby’s parents at the last minute. we watched a DVD about Jesus’ birth and then we just hung out the rest of the night.

This is our first year without Santa. Sigh. These kids are growing up faster than I can stand :(

a friend of mine posted on Facebook tonight that this is her first ever Christmas without her babies at home with her. She divorced her husband this year and it was his turn with them. That makes my heart ache.

hubby and I have been doing pretty darn good!  And I am so thankful!  especially so I don’t have to divorce his butt and not get to see my kids on Christmas!

I feel peaceful tonight. I pray pray pray that tomorrow goes well. I think it will. For a look back at the most miserable Christmas we’ve ever had.. Click here. 

Im going to read it just to remind myself how far we’ve come.

I wish u all the best. Hope you all have a Merry Christmas!

Dear God, Thank you for everything!

I don’t think it’s normal

I don’t think it’s normal that my husband thinks I must be happy that cancer runs in his family and he will probably die sooner than later…

Gentleness is a sure Sign of a Man’s Strength

This hit me in the heart just now.

All of a sudden I felt like I couldn’t breathe.



This is what I want my husband to understand more than anything in the world.

It is ok to let down your tough guy guard and just love me like crazy.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.