Hope

I’ve been thinking about this for a while.

Sofia asked me in her comments on my post “Anger, Heartache, Relief and Confusion” if the “great guy” I fell in love with ever really was a great guy or if he was always just a monster in disguise.  My gut reaction was that he absolutely WAS a great guy.  It was real!   But this blog is all about me being real with myself and that question haunted me.  What if it never was real?  What if I am just in love with the IDEA of him and not really in love with him – because HE doesn’t really exist the way I think he does?  Am I just in denial?

My conclusion:  He wasn’t always like this.  That great guy did exist.

I don’t know if he still does but that is what I am counting on.

I don’t  think that he is passive aggressive like many of the horrible hubbys I read about on the blogs of my dear cyber friends.  Some of the things he does seem to fit the description, many others do not.

I think mainly he is just an angry jerk.

He wasn’t always a jerk.  He has had his moments but the jerk moments were not his main personality like now.

He has never been “easy-going”.  And we often had problems communicating, misunderstanding each other.  That’s true.  But we always liked each other even when we disagreed.

For a while there I thought he was depressed. I still wonder that.  It seems he is just chronically angry.  He has put his defenses up and appointed me the enemy.  I’m not sure exactly when or why that happened.  A few things pop into my mind though…

In April 2008 he convinced himself that I was cheating on him.  I wasn’t and his accusation were ridiculous if you ask me.  They were completely unfounded.  I think that now he believes that nothing ever happened but that situation did some damage. (I think I blogged about this before and its a long stupid story that I don’t feel like typing out.  I NEVER cheated on him tho.)

It was a horrible time.  He said that he had trusted me completely and that trust was now shattered.  He even said something about how he had put me up on a pedestal, how he looked up to me before and now he had lost all respect for me.  He didn’t think that I was the kind of person that could ever do this. I’ll never forget it.  He had never spoken to me like that before.  He said he lost all respect for me – and I could see it in his eyes – it was true.  He was angry but weirdly calm.  I explained what I could and denied any wrong doing (which apparently just made me sound guilty).  He didn’t believe me.  That made me mad.  He didn’t trust me for a long time after that.  And I was mad for a long time because I had done nothing wrong.

About 2 months after this is when I had my first panic attack.  Hmm.  I never put those 2 events together before….

Sometime in 2010 he started working 3rd shift which meant we no longer shared a bed.  Like ever.  No more gab sessions at bedtime.  No more foot rubbing.  No more cuddling.  Hardly ever any sex.  Bedtime was always our main time to talk & connect with each other.  Gone.  (I miss it so badly!  I have been so freakin lonely since he started 3rd shift!)

Nov 2010 –  I started this blog.  Our marriage was at its all time low.

There have been many ups and downs since then.

Many days I read over my posts and ask myself what the hell I am still doing here.

But here is a fact.

Things really HAVE improved since I started  this blog.  When I read back to some of my first posts – my God he was terrible.  He still isn’t awesome – and some days he’s still pretty terrible – but not like then.

And maybe it seems better now because I am a stronger person than I was then.

Here’s the thing.

He really wasn’t always like this.  Anger has taken over his life and now he’s a jerk.  But I believe with all my heart that he is still in there.  My prayer is that he can hurry up and get out of this nasty fog before I give up on him.  On us.  I do believe that he is the one and only that God intended for me.  I still feel that deep in my soul.  He is my home.  And I am his.

I hate that I feel embarrassed to type these things and put them out here in public after typing out all the crappy stuff that happens.  Of course I look like a blind idiot.  I know that.  And I will continue to post about my hurts and I’m sure just reinforce to you all that he is not who I think he is.  That kinda sucks but it is what it is.

Truth:  He may not be that guy anymore.  He may not ever be again.  I know that.

I guess I’m just not willing to give up hope yet.

I pray every day that this will be worth it in the end.

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A Whole Week

Thursday – Thursday were good days in our relationship.

(A whole week!  woo hoo!  I am mocking myself.)

We got along very well.  Maybe even great.  He took off work Thursday night and we actually slept in the same bed for 3 nights in a row.  I smiled a lot.  And so did he.

On Tuesday when we were leaving the house to go to kid2’s basketball game, he went out to the car through the basement door without even telling me he was ready to go.  I was upstairs waiting for him.  I didn’t know he went out until I wondered what was taking him so long and went to check on him.  It was time to leave and he hates to be late so I knew something was up.  He wasn’t there.  He was already outside, sitting in the car with it running.

He has done this many times before and I hate it.  I very nicely asked him to please tell me when he is ready and going out to the car.  He said “I figured you’d come out when you were ready, it’s not like I was sitting her revving the engine or anything. I wasn’t mad.”  I told him I had been ready for a while and was sitting there waiting for him.  Please just holler up the steps to let me know you are going out.  I don’t remember if he said OK or not but it was an OK conversation.  He didn’t get irritated and seemed to get my point.

Well.  Last night (Friday) we were getting ready to go to the football game and he did it again.  I was seriously just sitting at the kitchen table playing candy crush while I was waiting for him to be ready.  I heard the basement door this time.  Man, it pissed me off.  I didn’t get up right away.  I considered sitting there until he finally came looking for me.  Afterall, I didn’t know he was ready did I?  I waited a few minutes and calmed myself and then went out.  He had his window down and as I walked towards the car I said “Really?!  Will you please just tell me before you go out?”

I didn’t yell.  And yes I even smiled, like I was frustrated but it was OK and I was making a joke of it.   He didn’t say anything.  Kid3 was laughing.  I went around to get in the passenger side and he said something to kid3 that made him laugh even more.  I said what?  He said nothing.  At that point it still seemed ok.  The mood was still light and he was smiling and I kinda wondered if he just did it again to pick on me?  Whatever.

So we went to pick up my nephew and on the way there – like a 2 minute drive – it all changed.  He wouldn’t talk to me.  He didn’t answer kid3 when he tried to talk to him either.  A chill swept through the van for sure!  I asked him if he knew who we were playing that night.  He ignored me.  I asked him again and didn’t let him off the hook.  He finally said he didn’t know. (Which was not true, he was just trying no to talk to me. )  We picked up my nephew.  Hubby stared straight ahead with no expression on his face and I wanted to throw up.  He drove back past our house and I wanted to scream “Let me out!” cuz I really didn’t want to deal with his crap all night.  But I didn’t.  This is the last home game.  Our girls are in the band.  I wanted to go for them and I wasn’t gonna let him be the reason I wasn’t there supporting my kids.

So I pretended I didn’t know he was having a problem.  ha.  I gabbed with the kids, I talked to him even tho he wasn’t replying.  He did talk when we were looking for a parking space and having trouble finding one.  Then as we were walking to the football field, a friend of his (who he cant stand) saw us and walked with us and gabbed hubby’s ear off.  I was laughing hysterically inside cuz he really cannot stand this guy.  That kinda broke the ice I guess.

Probably the whole first half of the game was awkward though.  It’s like I was there with the kids, and he was there with the kids, but we were not there together.  Later in the evening when the kids ran off to hang out with friends, he started talking to me kinda normally again.

Sigh.

Around 11:30, I was ready for bed and said goodnight to everyone – they were all watching baseball in the living room.  I told him I’d turn the heating blanket on for him.  He very decidedly said no.  I said why?  He said – I won’t need it on tonight.  I knew this meant that he would not be sleeping with me that night.

And I was right.

When I woke up this morning I was pissed that he never came to bed.  I knew he wasn’t going to , but I guess I was hoping he would anyway.  That is childish and sucky.

When I came downstairs he was eating breakfast.  I said good morning and he actually replied so I asked him why he didn’t sleep with me last night.  His face got hard and he shrugged his shoulders.  He was instantly pissed off.  I said “Are you seriously mad that I just asked you that?”  (I promise I was not mean the way I said it!)   He said “Well why would you ask that?  I don’t want to feel like I’m in trouble ALREADY today.”)

Inside I’m yelling “Well I didn’t want to feel rejected again last night either!”

So I went back upstairs to get dressed.  He and kid3 were going to a sale or somewhere this morning with his dad.  He left the house quickly, before I even came back down.  Nice.

So friggin nice.

Last Friday night, the kids were all somewhere else so we ran around together.  We did a little shopping, ate some ice cream, just hung out.  We talked about how it’s been a long time since just the 2 of us hung out and that it was nice.   We slept in the same bed.  We loved each other.   I felt loved.

And this is the cycle of our relationship.

I WANT More.

I want you to WANT to be happy.

That’s true.  I want more than that though.

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I want you to WANT to get along with people.

I want you to WANT to make our marriage better.

I want you to WANT to sleep in the same bed.

I want you to WANT to make me happy.

I want you to WANT to stop swearing.

I want you to WANT know God.

I want you to WANT confident kids, not kids you control.

I want you to WANT to teach our kids right & wrong, not just how to look out for themselves in this world.

I want you to WANT to go on dates with me.

I want you to WANT to share your life with me.

I want you to WANT to have sex with me.

I want you to WANT to get off 3rd shift so you can sleep more and feel better.

I want you to WANT ME.

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Because I WANT YOU.

I want to do / be all those things for you.  I want the same thing from you.

What I Want

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I want you to WANT to be happy.

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Anger, Heartache, Relief and Confusion

I almost ended my marriage Sunday evening.

I friggin hate this.

Saturday he ignored me most of the day.   He didn’t talk to me until we had been elbow deep in tomatoes for about 2 hours.  Seriously.  Imagine canning tomatoes in silence. I’m not sure exactly why but I’m guessing it’s because I didn’t do what he wanted on Friday.  We were supposed to can tomatoes Friday evening.  He was out playing with his tractors most of the night though and didn’t come in until 9pm.  He wanted to start them then.  I said I wasn’t staying up all night canning so I wasn’t going to do that.  I told him if he wanted to juice them, go ahead but I wouldn’t be canning them until Saturday morning. He seemed alright about it at the time but who knows.  Whatever.

Then Sunday he barely spoke to me all day again.  It just pissed me off.  And you all know I’ve already been mad and ready to tell him off so I did.  I went to the basement and told him about how things like that tractor show breakfast and the birthday picnic ticked me off cuz he was so obnoxious.  And then the fact that he decided to ignore me all weekend didn’t help matters.  AND he hasn’t even slept in the same bed as me for a few weeks!  I’m tired of being ignored.  I’m tired of putting up with his rudeness.  He just acts mean and hateful towards people and I hate that.  I wanted to give him an ultimatum but was having trouble putting it into words.

I did tell him (again!) that I am not happy.  That I need more from him.  That I don’t like being around him when he switches over to jerk mode and that there is no way I’m sticking around if that’s the way it’s gonna be.  Yea, that was the wimpy way to tell him….

And guess what?  He seemed OK with us splitting and he said that maybe that is the only way for us to be happy.   So we wouldn’t have to keep having these same arguments.  He has no intention of changing because he doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong.  And if I am that miserable, which he doesn’t understand, then maybe I should just do what I need to do to take care of me. He wasn’t being sassy or mean.  It was a pretty raw conversation.

And that scared the hell out of me.

When he left for work that night – it was up in the air.  He didn’t know if he wanted to keep trying or if it was time for us to move on.  I told him I felt the same.  My heart was screaming no, but my head was wondering if that is truly the best solution in the long run – even though it will hurt like crazy for a while.

Needless to say I didn’t sleep at all that night.

I read back over the things I have typed here, trying to put it all into perspective.  It looks bad all typed out.  I know that.  It’s hard to deny the facts when its out there like that.  And that is one of the reason I do this.

But see here is the thing.  I really don’t want to leave my marriage.  I just want him to knock his shit off!  (I can just hear you guys laughing hysterically at me for saying that… don’t worry, I’m laughing at myself too.)

We had it good.  For a pretty long time actually.  And this jerk that I’ve seen more and more of the past few years – I don’t accept that this is who he is now.  Yes.  it’s called denial.  But I know there is more to him.  I’ve seen it.  I’ve felt it.  I was the recipient of his unselfish love for a lot of years.

I hate that he is angry at the world now.  It is ugly.  I really really hate it.  If I met him now for the first time, I wouldn’t like him at all.  That is the truth.  That isn’t the case though.  I’ve known this man since I was 16 and he was 17.  I know there is so much more to him.  And I still see it some days.  He is still in there.  I don’t want to walk away and not be here when he comes back.

A thought popped into my head and it really irked me… what if we split – then he gets a big slap in the face cuz life has a way of doing that to you – and he decides being angry isn’t working and comes out of his darkness.  Then he meets another woman.  Guess what?  She gets the good parts of him.  NO!  That is not cool.  I had the good parts and I want them back.  If I knew he was gonna stay an angry man for the rest of his life, I think I could walk away.  But I don’t know that.

I have gone through postpartum depression.  I have been HORRIBLE to live with.  When I finally went to the doctor I told him I was lucky to still have a husband and I needed help before I drove him away.  I am still embarrassed when I think back and remember what a raving lunatic I was.  I went through that after both my 2nd and 3rd babies.  There  were a lot of ups and downs those years and he stood by me.

I don’t know.  Maybe I need to stand by my man.  No, that doesn’t mean I accept his behavior.  It doesn’t mean I become a doormat and just quietly wait it out.

Maybe it means that I stand strong and weather the storm with him.

I don’t know if I even agree with or believe the words I am typing right now.

Oh and we talked a little bit Monday morning before he went to sleep.  He said “We have to make this work don’t we?  Especially for our kids.”

I was so relieved to hear that – you have no idea.

I know that I don’t want to walk away if there is a chance that I will get the love of my life back.   I also know that I need to put a stop to the crap that is destroying my soul.

But for now, as always happens, I have to let this go and get back to life.  Kids will be home from school soon.  I need to get supper started.   Kid2 has a basketball game, Kid1 has a volleyball game that my mom is supposed to come to again.  It is also open house night at the grade school so I get to go meet Kid3’s teacher and see his classroom.

And life goes on despite all the crap that swirls around in my head.

It’s a Roller Coaster

Today hubby was very nice and very normal.  This is what throws me for such a loop!

Today after the kids all left on the bus for school, we drank coffee and gabbed.  Then he went to sleep and I got to work.

When he woke up, he worked on getting the heat turned on since the colder weather seems here to stay.  Then we packed some sandwiches etc and headed to the school.  We were getting Kid3 at the elementary school, feeding him a sandwich,  and walking down to Kid2’s Jr High basketball game.  Kid1 was meeting us there for a short while to get her supper and watch Kid2’s game until it was time for her to catch the bus for her away volleyball game.

He was a wonderfully supportive father, cheering her on and enjoying the game.  He helped Kid3 do his math during the game.  He sat behind me on the bleachers so I could lean back against him.  We looked like a married couple that likes each other.  Then we all went to the grocery store.  Then we came home and cooked and ate supper together.  We talked a bit more and helped Kid2 with her report on the Columbian Exchange.  Then hubby went to his mom’s house to move a desk or something she needed help with.  Now he’s back and he and kid3 are watching a football game together.

He was nice.  Pleasant.  Easy to talk to.  Fun, even. NORMAL.

Why can’t he always be normal?  Why does he flip into jerk mode and terrorize us all?

WWYD: Birthday Picnic

What would you do?

On Sunday we went to mom-in-law’s house to have a picnic and birthday cake for hubby and his sister.  Their birthdays are 10 days apart.

My family was exhausted from camping out at a tractor show all weekend.  Hubby had said we wouldn’t be back in time so I told mom-in-law earlier in the week not to expect us and I didn’t plan anything to take to the picnic.  And I didn’t have a gift for sis-in-law either.  We were hanging out, napping or watching football and it took a lot of effort to get everyone up and moving to be there at 5.

First of all, it bothered hubby that I wasn’t taking anything.  You always take food to contribute to these things.  I think this was probably the first time I haven’t.  I was just TIRED.  And we were only home for about 1 1/2 hours before the picnic.  I tool a shower, took some tylenol and laid down on the couch.  I couldn’t think of a single thing I had the ingredients for that I could whip up quickly to take.  And frankly I didn’t really care at that point.  I reasoned that mom-in-law knew we weren’t planning to come until the last minute and she would understand.  And I think it was fine actually.

So we go to the picnic, and as everyone is gathering around the tables, my niece made a plate of food for her 2 year old and got him settled in the high chair.  My sis-in-law #2 asked me to get a fork for her from a container that was behind me, in the corner of the pavilion.  My hubby boomed that I should get the whole thing cuz why would it be back there? Bring it out here so people don’t have to reach over everyone to get their silverware.  The problem was that he BOOMED.  He was loud and rude.  His voice said – I think you are all idiots – that is a dumb place to put the silverware.  So that ticks sis-in-law #2 off and she sasses back at him that there is already silverware on the food tables, she just said to get it from there because there was a baby fork in the container.  So then my other younger niece pipes in and says “Geesh!” and gives hubby a dirty look.  Her mom told her to hush.

Hypothetical Situation…   At an event with my side of the family, I am asked to get a fork from the container in the corner, someone would have probably said “Why don’t you bring it all out here so it’s easier to get?  Is there a reason you want it back there?”  Just in a regular voice.  Someone else would reply – in a regular voice – and explain.  There would be no anger or glares or any of that.

So then….

Hubby refused to eat.  Hubby loves to eat just like his whole family.  And hubby eats a lot usually so for him not to eat was a very clear signal that he was pissed and this was his way of showing it.  Whatever.  Occasionally someone would ask him why he wasn’t eating and he wouldn’t answer them.  He’s so much fun at a party! ha.  So then came cake time – and yes let’s sing happy birthday to hubby and his sister in this wonderfully tense environment.  Again, so much fun!   Sis-in-law opened her gifts, hubby didn’t.  I went away from the tables at that point because I knew he was going to do that and I didn’t want to sit there next to him – looking like I was supporting him and I didn’t want to fight with him either.

Later I told sis-in-law happy birthday and said sorry for not bringing a gift for her.  I told her I just wasn’t prepared and that is the truth!  We get along well so she knows I love her and that’s fine.  She said she wasn’t prepared either so she didn’t have a gift for hubby.

I couldn’t wait to leave that party!  Ugh!  Of course my kids ran off with cousins and hubby went to the barn to discuss tractors with a few of the guys.  That left me on the house, drying dishes and dodging questions about why he didn’t eat.  My answer was I didn’t know and he must have had an attitude about something.  They would laugh and agree and move on.  I repeated that to quite a few people.  ha

I knew the reason for his attitude was because his sister snapped back at him about the silverware.  Nevermind that what he said was louder and ruder.  (Is ruder a word?!  More rude.)  Hubby doesn’t like it when people talk to him like that – even if they feel justified because they are defending themselves.  That pissed him off.  Whether it makes sense or not, that’s why he had the attitude.    Seriously, in his mind, he didn’t yell and he wasnt rude about the silverware.  He was just loud to make his point.  That’s what he would say.

So later at home I told him they were asking me why he didn’t eat.  He said “Piss on them.”  He said his sister made him mad, it didn’t make sense that the silverware was back there.  He still thinks he’s right about the whole situation.  (See that is still his story even tho the reason was very clearly pointed out to him.)

And then he had to throw in a zinger… he figured we shouldn’t eat since we didn’t take anything.   Yea… I sat right next to him with a big plate of food.  LOL  I truly think that has nothing to do with his decision to not eat.  He was mad at his sister and his attitude was directed at her, not me.  He was actually quite nice to me, even as he glared at most everyone else.  So no, he just had to get that dig in against me now that he had a chance.

I didn’t do anything to intervene in the situation with his sister.  I didn’t see that being helpful at all.  And I figure – they are his family – they’ve known him longer than I have – they know how he is.

But when he acts like that – I just want to leave.  I want to just walk away, get in the car and go home.  Actually I can easily walk home since we are neighbors!  I don’t like being around him when he’s like that.  But…. there is always a but isn’t there?  Our kids were there.  Do I leave without saying anything to them?  Saying something to them creates a scene.  Not saying anything to them just isn’t nice and then I’ve left them there with their hostile father.  Given the choice, they would probably want to stay anyway to hang out with their cousins.

And if we’re in the middle of eating – do I just throw it all away and be on my way?  Does it matter? I don’t know.   Just trying to think it through!

Leaving would also be hurtful to my mom-in-law.  Truly.  She may have to get over that cuz I feel like I might be trying this soon!

I sat next to him as he grumped and I tried to smile and make nice conversation with his relatives.  I tried to ignore his nasty looks and pretend it wasn’t happening so I could still enjoy the picnic.  I don’t  know – that might be messed up.  Would a stronger person have told him he sucked and left?

So, what should I have done?  What would you have done in that situation?

Bullies in Marriage

This is a great article!  Click below to read it :)

Adult Bullies and their Enablers

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My husband is the bully and I am his enabler.

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“They think they have the right to tell other people how to live their lives and demand things a certain way. “

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“You’re being bullied if someone is constantly making helpful “suggestions” and laying guilt trips if you don’t take them.”

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She tells us to stand up to them by calling them on their bad behavior and leaving the room.

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“There is no law requiring you to sit in a chair and be insulted.”

Salt & Pepper Fury

I cooked supper in the crockpot yesterday and later asked hubby if he liked it since it was something I had never cooked before.  He said it was great.  I said “You must have put salt & pepper on it huh?  Because …”  And that’s as far as I got.  He immediately got mad and yelled at me that he only put salt & pepper on his own, not the whole crockpot full. And he went on and on and was so mad at me!  OK……

Once again, we had a big issue where I had to explain that I am not the devil and was not accusing him of anything.  Right away he assumed that I was giving him heck cuz I thought he ruined a crockpot full of food maybe?  He’s on the defensive.  Lately, he interprets anything I say as me attacking him.

I wasn’t attacking him.  I was just talking about the food.  I didn’t like it and thought it didn’t really have any flavor.  I put salt on it and then it was OK.  He puts tons of salt & pepper on everything so when I asked him if he liked supper and he said he did, I thought that must be why.  That is all!  I don’t think my tone was accusing or angry or loud.  I know it wasn’t!  He is just all defensive again and I don’t know why.  And it sucks.

I know he’s stressed. Our schedule sucks right now.  Kid2 has basketball practice from 8:30-10am.  Then both girls have band camp from 10-2:45am.  Then Kid1 has volleyball practice from 4:30-7.  This started Monday and continues all next week too.  Then school starts and basketball, volleyball and football games (band!) are in full swing.  Yesterday we threw in an eye dr appointment and an orthodontist appointment too.  Oh, and Kid2 went to her running group last night too at 7pm.  It seems all I do is run back and forth to town – about 10 minutes each way now cuz there is construction.  In between that I am working cuz, you know, I have a job.  My family seems to forget that and it is definitely not high priority to them.  Grrr.

Of course there are projects that we wanted to complete this summer that didn’t get done.  So there are half finished things everywhere you look, the house needs cleaned.  There are laundry piles in the living room.  We are back-to-school shopping ( in a very limited way!)  The farm show in our town is this week and the kids are all in it with their different groups.

Today we add team photos to the regular schedule so that is more running around.

The other day he woke up around 4.  2 of the kids and I were sitting in the living room with the TV on, eating sandwiches.  Kid1 had to be at vball in half an hour and that was supper.  Well he came down and saw me sitting there and I swear he thinks I do that all day while he is sleeping!  I had been sitting there maybe 10 minutes!  And then we were off running again.   Geesh.

Give me a break.  And give me some credit!

And get your head out of your butt and realize that I am not out to get you!  I have proven that time and time again.  What more will it take??

This story is so stupid.

Hubby was an ass tonight.  He has not been sleeping enough.  I know it, he knows it, kids know it.  We try to avoid him cuz he’s been a grump.

He knew I was nervous about my meeting today.  I told him a little about it last night.  Today when he got home (from going to the ag fair with his parents and kid3 instead of sleeping!) he was telling me about all the exhibits.  When he stopped, I told him I got the job!  He said “yeah”.  Not yay, just yeah. And then he turned to kid3 and started talking about something else.  I stood there for a few minutes.  Perhaps he wasn’t done talking, perhaps he had just thought of what he wanted to say to kid3.  So I waited and thought me might come back to my news.  He never did.  Their conversation was over pretty quickly and he started reading the paper.

I talked to kid3 a bit and returned to my office.  10-15 minutes later he popped his head in and asked why I went away.  I said because you totally dismissed my news.  He said “I said yeah.”  I just looked at him.  How can I argue with that?  lol   If he didn’t see the problem with that, there is no sense in me telling him now is there?

My kids here happy for me and asked me all about it later.  That helped :)

And he is back to holding grudges over stupid things.

Several days ago I removed his towel from his rack in the bathroom because it smelled musty.  The kids had been hanging their swimsuits in the upstairs bathroom and just piling towels on top of towels.  Of course they didn’t dry and they got all musty and stinky.  I washed a bunch of them with vinegar and the problem was solved.  Well it either didn’t work for that towel or I missed it.  Anyway, it stunk and I took the towel away and hung it in the spare room next to the bathroom on a clothes rack.  It was late at night, I was headed to bed and I planned to take care of it in the morning.

The next morning he came out of the bathroom yelling about where is his towel.  I told him.  He yelled why.  I told him.  Then he yelled that I should take it to the basement not put it in another room. (where the washing machine is)  What is the big deal?  Just get another freakin towel!!

Anyway, he has not been hanging his towel in the bathroom.  His rack has been empty.  I figured he was hanging it on the basement rack or something.  Tonight I was folding laundry in the living room and he was getting ready to take his shower before work.  He boomed “Where is my towel?”  I said I didn’t know.  He said it was in the dryer with some of the kids swimming towels.  I said that I had folded the things that were in the dryer so it is in the bathroom closet.  Then Kid1 said that her towel was on his rack and that she would move it.  He yelled that he doesn’t use his rack anymore.  Kid1 asked him why and he just glared and stormed away.

This story is so stupid.

It is stupid for me to waste my time typing all that out.

So I guess the reason that he no longer uses his towel rack is because I moved his towel when it needed washed?

I have washed the towels many many times so that’s just weird.  He has been using that same towel rack for 15 years.  Now he is boycotting it because…?  Because why exactly?  I will ask him that sometime after he’s had a good 8 hours of sleep.

After he left for work though I got really mad about all this nonsense and sat down here to type it out.  Here’s the thing – If he thinks he’s going back to his jerky ways and and going to get away with it, he is WRONG!  I will not live with him that way again.  I will not be subjected to his stupid fits of rage that make absolutely no sense.  If he doesn’t see the problem with his little grudge-holding fits, that’s a problem too.

I’m gonna call him on it and he is going to deal with it.

If he refuses to see that there is a problem, then we have a much bigger problem than I want to think about right now.

No way.  Not going back there.

Yes he is tired.  I let that be his excuse for way too long too.  Nope, not gonna work this time.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.