Summer Update

It’s been a while.  I hope everyone is enjoying their summer.

My last post  was May 12th.  wow.  OK, let’s see.

Attended the end of year school assemblies, band concert etc.  They were about the same as usual for me.  Difficult but I got through them.

We left for the beach the day after school was out.  Drove all night to get there.  I still needed my ativan and had a few moments of “Holy Crap here comes a panic attack and I’m flying down a 4 lane highway!”   But overall it was better than expected.  We went to a closer beach instead of OBX this year so no underwater tunnel and it was only about 5 hours instead of 8-9.  Hubby didn’t go even though I really wanted him to.  Mainly so I wouldn’t have to drive.  It was fun but not as relaxing as most beach vacations.  We were just busy exploring new places I guess.

Then all-stars baseball started and we’ve been consumed by that ever since.  Then my son fractured his elbow and now has a cast on.  He/We still go to the games and he hangs out in the dugout though.  I skip some games now though.  And I don’t feel guilty about it.  He’s not playing so I feel OK about it.

I’ve been trying to work and keep up with my hours goal but it really just does not work with the kids home all summer.  I’m trying not to stress about it and do enough to keep my clients happy but still have time for summer fun with my kids.

I scheduled our family camping trip this morning.  We didn’t get the water front site that we wanted but hopefully it will still be fun.

I’m still taking mg of Zoloft 100mg.  I think I still need to increase it some.  I still depend on ativan way too much and I still have trouble driving etc.  I’ve been putting off calling the doctor, just hoping as it built up in my system more, it would be enough.  And of course I am still fighting back against panic attacks the way I always have – limiting caffeine, deep breathing, doing it afraid, etc.  But it is still so much work.  I thought it would be easier by now.  Is it better?  Has Zoloft made a difference?  Oh my yes.  I wouldn’t even drive at all for a while there!  And I had a freak out just riding in the car with my hubby!  So yes, definitely better.  But still not good.

And… Ugh.  I’ve agreed to go to FL with my sisters and kids in Feb.  That means DRIVING TO FLORIDA.  Kill me now.  See, so I really have to get this under control before then!

I’ve actually looked ta bus schedules etc to see how much it would cost to go that way.  Very reasonable.  I was surprised.  That’s the backup plan.  Neither of my sisters agrees to that plan.  LOL

So that’s a quick update.

Just a little over a month until school starts back… it went way too fast.  It always does.  Enjoy the rest of the summer!





Need a Laugh Today?

OK This is completely off topic but I am sitting here cracking up and thought I’d share.

First, let me just say that I do feel for Miley Cyrus and I realize she is having some sort of identity crisis.  I really do wish her the best and hope she figures it out soon.

Have you seen her wrecking ball video?  It’s on youtube if you want to have a look.

If you haven’t seen it, watch it first so you can appreciate the link below…

Today a friend sent me a link to this parody video…  I’m sorry but it’s hilarious!

You’re Stronger Than You Think

Positive Outlooks

Nothing you face will be too much for you. You will overcome every obstacle, outlast every challenge, and come through every difficulty better off than you were before.  —  Joel Osteen

Man walking at sunset

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Very Healthy

So true!

Positive Outlooks

I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person. — Olivia Wilde



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About The Man who Recorded his Wife’s Meltdown

Have you seen this?

The husband secretly recorded his wife having a meltdown and then posted it on the internet.

Check it out here if you are interested —>  Wife Divorcing Husband Who Secretly Filmed Her Crazy Temper Tantrum & Showed It To The World

Everyone is appalled at the woman’s behavior.  Yes, she did lose it and throw a temper tantrum.  She kicked and screamed like a 3 year old.  That’s not mature at all.  That’s not how a grown woman should act.  We all know that.

But who here hasn’t had a meltdown?  If you haven’t then I’d say you are lucky and / or really have your act together.  I’m also willing to bet that you are married to a guy who treats you well and cares how you feel.

I have had meltdowns at my husband that I would be horrified if the rest of the world saw a video of it.  That’s the truth.  No, I didn’t kick my feet at the car window and beg for cigarettes or text all my friends during the argument.  But I have yelled too much and said things I never should have said.

BUT…  Did you notice how he was laughing at her?  It is clear to me that he totally set her up.  So they were on the way to the lake for a weekend getaway… she mentions money, it sounds like they may have already spent money planning the weekend.  And then what?  He decides on the way there that they are no longer going because he has to rotate his tires?

Maybe he does that kind of thing often.  Maybe he backs out of plans at the last minute all the time.  Maybe she can’t count on him.  Maybe he doesn’t do what he says he’s going to do.  Maybe he always laughs at her when she disagrees with him.  Maybe he never cares about her opinion.  Maybe she has finally had all she can handle and we got to see her lose it.

But he is a jerk.  He says he did nothing wrong.  Really?  He set her up.  He knew that changing their weekend plans on the way there would drive her crazy.  He had his camera ready before he even said it.  He knew what buttons to push and boy did he push them.

He wants everyone to see the crazy lady he is married to – and how it is all her fault, and how he must be such a saint for putting up with her.   That’s not what I see.  I see a  deceiving man whose goal is to humiliate his wife.  I see a man who cannot be trusted.  I see a man who laughs when his wife is feeling let down.  He made it clear that he’d rather go rotate the tires than spend a weekend with her that was already planned.  Heck, they were even already on the way there.  He totally set her up.  Not cool.

Was the way she acted ok?  No. But the way he acted was even worse.

A Terrible Cycle

This is from a post on

It is a description of domestic violence.  It’s a terrible cycle and this hit me.  It makes me so freakin mad!  My situation is mild compared to many, but the cycle is still there….

“Why do abusive people act nice for a little while and then turn around and go back to being mean?”

“The answer is, it’s a reward system.  Abusers reward their victims for staying. ‘Good victim, good girl. You stayed, here’s a nice treat for you.’ The victim thinks it’s not so bad any more. She stops thinking about leaving. She starts to give back. She may even think he’s done being abusive. But he always goes back to being abusive.”

Where to Start?

I’ve been having trouble trying to figure out what to write about just because it’s been such a long time.  I feel like I need to catch up and go back and write stuff in order.  “Paralyzed by Perfection”.  That’s exactly what that is.  I feel like I need to do it just right or not at all.  That is why so many things don’t get done around here!  So I am going to just start babbling.  :)  I might babble about the present.  I might babble about things that happened over the summer.  I’m just going to babble.  As soon as I have time.  :)

Image source:

$2 Amazon MP3 Code

I keep coming across these codes for free MP3’s on amazon.

Thought I’d share the latest…  completely unrelated to my blog but I love to share a deal when I see one :)

It’s worth $2.00

Code is HEARTMP3

Firstly is a Stupid Word.

Firstly is a stupid word.

I’m watching a google training video and the guy keeps saying Firstly.

Why not just say First?

Weird.  And boring, which is why I’m on my blog while I listen!

Hurricane Irene: Be Safe!

Praying everyone is safe during the storm!

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.