2 Hours of Sleep is NOT Enough

Oh  my gosh he is so grumpy today!

I know why.  He only slept about 2 hours yesterday.

When he kept losing it over stupid stuff I checked the computer history.  He got online at 12:05pm.  Busted.

He laid down on the couch right when we were leaving yesterday morning to go to the lake with my sisters and families.  That was about 10am.  He lied and told me that he got up around 2:00.  Even if he HAD slept until 2:00 – that would have only been 4 hours.  Now that I know he was up at noon… 2 Hours of sleep!

No wonder he is being a jerk!

Kid3 was anxiously waiting for him to get home from work this morning.  They are going to the camp with the in-laws this weekend and Kid3 wanted to get the 4-wheelers loaded up.  Hubby told him last night to be ready this morning cuz they were going to do that as soon as he got home from work.  Hubby was rude immediately and yelled at him when Kid3 asked if he could take some k’nex too.  It was such a let down.

Here the kid was being excited for his dad to come home – and gets yelled at pretty much immediately for nothing.  He did nothing wrong.  Kid3 came and told me he made dad mad.  I said “How!?!  It’s not your fault he is grumpy!”  He said “I asked him a question mom, he didn’t like it.”

Aarrgh.  I made sure kid3 understood that it had NOTHING to do with him.  We talked about how he probably was tired and didn’t sleep much yesterday – at that point I thought it was 4 hours….

You know what though – that is not an excuse that works for me.  It’s getting very old – yes, dad is being an ass once again – he is sleep-deprived and that is why…  too bad!  It is his own fault that he isn’t sleeping enough!
Then the rest of us have to deal with it.  Have I told you how much I hate third shift?!?

Even when I try to be all objective and refuse to allow it to get to me…. it’s still crap that he does that to us.  And the kids don’t see it objectively at all.  Not cool.

This morning hubby was watching the news in the living room and after a bit I went out and said hello and I said “Whats up with you?”  He said “nothing” in a very disgusted loud voice.  He knew he was being ridiculous.  He knew it.  Then he started telling me about how the neighbor mowed too far over on our property again and that set him off this morning.  This ticks him off horribly.  I kinda get that – but really he just mowed right out along the road – he probably thought he was being helpful.  Hubby was spewing about how he is going to have to have words with him.

Umm…. please don’t piss off some more neighbors dear …  That never works out well.

I didn’t say much when he was telling me all that.  I learned long ago that it does no good to try to reason with him when he is those moods.  Later, when he is calm and not so low on sleep, he will see that his rage is not necessary.  Oh, I’m sure he’ll still be ticked off about it – but not so intensely!

Know what else kid3 said?  We were talking about how dad wasn’t being nice cuz he was so tired and it wasn’t kid3’s fault.   I said I know it still hurts though doesn’t it?  He said yea.   I said something about how we need to remember that and be careful not to hurt each other with our words.

He said “I’ll have to remember that so my kids don’t hate me.”

Ouch.

That makes my heart ache.

Advertisements

Space and Perspective

Marriage is so complicated.

I posted before about how I decided to stop the insanity and just keep my distance from hubby.  I was trying to stop the cycle or hurt and anger that we had going.  Then we celebrated out 18th anniversary.  It was nothing spectacular but it was nice.  Much better than the past few years.

Backing off and backing away from him has been very good for both of us.  We’ve been getting along better.  Of course that makes sense since we weren’t talking much and were not hanging out as much.  Avoid your husband, avoid the arguments.  Hmm.  Great marriage advice?  lol

I think we both needed – and thoroughly enjoyed the distance.

I say distance, but we stayed right here together.  Working together to take care of the kids and get everything done that needs to be done with our regular busy family stuff.  It’s hard to explain, but the difference was that I just went about my life – and wasn’t worried about him and what he was doing – or thinking – or feeling.  I was exhausted by it all and just didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

And the sex?  I think removing that from the equation took away even more tension between us.  I had always thought it would do the opposite.

It took a while but then there was a shift.

Things began to change.  He would come find me to tell me something.  Anything.  Or he would be watching TV in another room and call to me “Hey, you gotta come see this!”  He would ask me if I needed anything when he went to the store.

He would say things like:
Did you get all your work done yet today?
What are you going to do today?
Did Kid1 tell you about ….?
Is your throat still sore?
I’m going wherever.  Do you want to come?

I mean really simple things right?  Yea, for most people.  He was showing interest in me – in my life again.  He has had so much animosity toward me for so long.  It was very clear  before that pretty much anything I said to him was a bother, an irritation.  That hurt.  A lot.

We went to the flea market a few weeks ago.  Together.  Like a as a family.  (Except for hormonal Kid1 who refused to get out of bed :)  Before, I would not have been invited.  Oh I could have gone along.  But I would not have been asked to go.  And he would most likely have been grumpy at me anyway.  As we were walking along, our hands touched and you know what?  He held my hand.

He has even come and sit next to me on the couch recently.  These things sound completely uneventful I know.  Did we go places together before?  Yes.  Did we sit next to each other before? Sure.  Did we ever hold hands?  Once upon a time.

Again – I think we both needed and enjoyed the break from each other.  The tension started to go away.  Where there are no expectations there can be no disappointments right?   We’ve both been expecting things from each other, and being disappointed by each other for way too long.

We both got some space and maybe even a new perspective.  It’s like we are coming back toward each other now.  Still slowly.

Sure, we’ve had some disagreements lately.  Maybe even a hollered word or two.  But nothing like before.  The sex?  We have not had sex again yet.  Nope.  For some reason it’s not a big deal either.

This has been good for us.

Stop the Insanity

.

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
-Albert Einstein

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while now.

I decided to stop the insanity.  I decided that I needed to take a break from my Hubby. Call it a time out.

This began way back when we had the sleeping in the basement argument.  Seems like a long time ago.  Wow – that was March 3rd.  2 months!  It’s been longer than I thought.

That night I decided that I was no longer going to go out of my way to talk to him, or do nice things for him, or be helpful, or smile at him if I didn’t feel like it, or say “I love you” like we do on autopilot when one of us leaves the house.  I was going to change the things that I could to avoid the negative crap that he heaps onto me.  And that I let him heap on me.

It started small.

I decided to stop saying “I love you” to him.  I was just hurting myself – I’d say it to him – he would reply with either “Yep” or “Love you too.”  No expression.  No real feeling behind it.  And I would be hurt my that.

I figured out that I could stop that cycle.  (Duh, right?) I could just stop saying “I love you” to my husband.  Believe it or not, this was hard for me!  Yes, even though our marriage is a mess, it was hard.   That stopped the half-ass replies.  Problem solved.  Kinda.

Next – Every morning when he got home from work, Kid3 and I would be at the table talking & eating breakfast. When hubby comes up the basement steps, we are right there.  I would say good morning to him, or sometimes I would say nothing.  Some days he would smile and start talking about his night.  Some days he would ignore me completely.  Some days he would glare right through me.   I never knew what to expect.

I figured out there was no reason I should put myself thru that crap every single morning.  (Again, duh right?)  So I changed the morning routine just a little and when it was time for him to get home, I’d be upstairs getting dressed.  I removed myself from the situation.  Again, problem solved.  Kinda.

I kept doing things like that.  If he’d ask me if there was any coffee made.  I’d say no.  That’s it.  Before I’d have told him no and then offered to make him some.  When he asked me if we were out of honey, I said I don’t know and I told him to check the pantry.  Before I would have jumped up and went in search of honey.  When it was getting close to time for him to leave for work, I didn’t go hang out with him in the kitchen before he left like I have been doing for years…. I just kept doing whatever I was doing and if he wanted to say goodbye to me before he left for work, he’d have to come find me. (Some days he did, some days he didn’t.) See what I mean?  I wasn’t mean.  I was just distant.

And here is TMI.  We have had sex ONE TIME since then.  Once in 2 months.  What??  That is craziness.  For us, that is a long time!

I kept my distance from him so much that it wasn’t even an issue I guess.  He would have had to actually make some kind of effort.  That didn’t happen.  So it didn’t happen.

to be continued…

I Know Better

Wow.

So hubby came home and I sat here a while before I went out to talk to him.  I wanted to say the right thing.  I know I get one shot to start the conversation off right.  I don’t want him to get all defensive and refuse to talk about this.

I went to the kitchen.  He acted like nothing was even wrong.  Cuz in his mind there isn’t.  To him it is completely normal to talk to me that way.
We talked about the kids and the plans for the day.

“Why did you get so defensive this morning?  I was not criticizing your plan.  I was just asking about it.”

His face turned cold and tightened up.  Here we go.

We were talking, basically disagreeing.  I was trying to explain to him once again that I did not mean what he thinks I did.  He was saying that he will build it wherever he wants.  I said I never even said anything about that!  We went back & forth.

(Once – 12 years ago – I had an opinion about where he wanted to build a garage.  He wanted to put it in the back yard very close to the house.  We have a good bit of ground so I suggested moving it out further – I will pay for that remark until the day I die.  Ridiculous.)

We had the same argument we’ve had a million times.

I said something to the effect that it doesn’t matter what I say cuz he doesn’t care anyway.

He said “I’m listening to the part that makes sense. I’m not even hearing the rest – you know better.”

I know better?

I went off.  Oh my.

It won’t matter though.  He never hears me.

Dear Hubby: I AM NOT LIKE YOU

Dear Hubby,

I am not a bitch.  Even though you act like I am.

I am smart.  Is that why you lash out at me?  Are you threatened by me?

I asked you a question this morning about the tool shed you are building.  I asked you several actually.  Call it curiosity.  I thought we were having a real conversation.

Silly me.

I guarantee that you would have had a million questions for me if I was doing something like that.  And a million opinions about how I was doing it wrong.  Is that why you expect the same from me?

News flash:  I    AM    NOT    LIKE    YOU.

I forgot that you are so insecure that any time I ask you anything about something you are doing – you think I am judging you or questioning your decisions.  You think I am putting you down.  And you go into jerk mode.

You know, people have conversations all the time about things that are happening.  If my Dad/brother/friend… even father-in-law was building a shed I might have had a similar conversation with them.   I could have made the exact same comment while talking to pretty much anyone else and they would not have taken offense to it.

(I feel the need to defend myself here to the blog world.  You must think I surely said it in a snarky way or something.  I did not.  I promise.  We were sitting at the table, I was drinking coffee, we were gabbing about the day, the conversation turned to the shed, BAM!)

The question that set you off?  “You’re not giving up on building your garage are you?  Are you doing this instead of a garage?”

I meant no harm.  I wasn’t saying that you shouldn’t build the shed because I want you to build a garage.  I wasn’t yelling at you for not building a garage yet.  I was just inquiring.  I don’t care if you build 10 sheds and still want a garage.  I was hoping you hadn’t given up your plans for the garage, that is all.  In my mind, maybe I thought I would be encouraging you.  I meant to be supportive and positive about both plans.

Nothing I do is right in your mind.  I did nothing wrong.  You acted like an ass.

You said “I wish I had a way to haul some shale in.”  And you started talking about how you were going to build the shed.  I made several comments, all supportive.  I have no opinion about how you build it.  I couldn’t care less.  Truly.  It’s a tool shed.  I know nothing about building a tool shed.

Whatever.

I guess it was just a continuation of you being jerky at dinner last night.

The phone company is running new wires out here so we can have faster DSL.  I watched them yesterday from my office window.  A man was up in the bucket truck with a huge spool of cable.  The truck moved up the road slowly as he unwound it and some other men walked along behind the truck.  I though it was neat.  I even took a picture.

At dinner Kid3 mentioned that he saw the trucks out there early in the morning.  I chimed in and told you all how I saw them in the bucket truck today and blah blah blah.  You looked at me and said “Well duh.  How else do you expect them to run the wire?  They have to lay it out before they can hang it on the poles.”    You said something like that.  I don’t think you called it hanging it on the poles.  Not the point.

I enjoyed seeing them do that.  I was happy to tell what I saw.  You immediately had to demean me with it. I called you on it.  I said “Well you may know everything but I don’t so I thought it was neat to see them do that.”  You said “No, I don’t know everything…”  and were ready to launch into this big thing about how I over-react to everything.  I stopped you and said something to the effect that you just love to try to make me look stupid.  You didn’t have to put me down.  I said “I am done talking to you!”

After everyone ate, I was cleaning up the kitchen, he & the kids were still sitting at the table talking, he got up and said “Well, now that I’ve called everyone stupid, I guess I’ll go watch the news.”  I said “Not everyone, just me.”  Kid1 chimed in “Me too.”  He said “Great” and left the room.  It doesn’t matter.  None of it matters.  It will not sink in.  He will not change how he speaks to me.  He will not think of me any differently.  Well maybe he’ll think I am even more of a nuisance now.

He gets off on trying to make himself feel superior to everyone else.  His older sister is the same.  She goes off on these rants.  Her husband told her to get off her high-horse once during a get-together.  She told him she was just giving her opinion.  He told her that we didn’t all need to be subjected to her opinion about everything little thing.  He hit the nail on the head with that one.  I wanted to jump up and scream hallelujah!

Hubby is the same way.  He has an opinion about everything.  Sometimes he is wrong.  He even has very strong opinions about things he knows nothing about.  That is what really infuriates me.  Sometimes I will mention a work problem and he goes off on this rant and of course he has the solution right?  Problem is that he knows nothing about programming.  I look at him incredulously and wonder how in the heck he can even feel confident making those remarks!  I would not go on a rant telling him the correct way to weld something!  I would never think that I had a solution like that for him.  Yet, he does that to me.  Umm, no – I just went to college for 4 years to learn how to do this.  I even worked at xxxxx and yyyyy for a while…. but you know better dear.  WHAT?!?!?  You’d think I would have gained some respect from him – at least in this area – by now.

How does a person get so egotistical?  How?

Then when I look closely I see that his mother is the same.  She is more subtle about it.  But she has an opinion about EVERYTHING too that she feels the need to share.  I mean seriously some things do not need to be said.  And how about for once admitting to yourself that someone MAY know more about a particular topic than you do?!

And for a moment let’s assume that you DO know more than everyone about everything…  do you really need to be an ass about it?  Couldn’t you be a genius AND be kind?

See there is no excuse for you treating me like that.  None.

I don’t care if you are tired.  I don’t care if your back hurts.  I don’t care whatever else the problem may be.  You do not need to talk to me like that.

I really wish you didn’t think of me the way you do though.  You think I am an evil person working against you.   I’m not.  More than anything I want us to be on the SAME side.  We’re supposed to be a team working together in this world.

Sincerely,
Z

A simple conversation.  An innocent remark.  An angry husband.

Repeat this over and over and this is my life.

Words of Wisdom from My Child

Hubby and I have been arguing a lot lately.  We’ve been doing pretty good at keeping it away from our kids.  That being said it is also crystal clear to everyone that things are tense and not very happy between us.  Then at supper the other night I was very snippy with him and pretty much disagreed with everything he said.  That ticked him off and got him yelling.  Sorry but I truly did disagree with what he was telling them!  He was being so arrogant – it made me mad.  I didn’t need to be snippy and that wasn’t cool – but I’m human.  I really wanted to yell  “ARE YOU INSANE?!?!?” so snippy was actually a nice compromise :) I’m done biting my tongue remember?!

He yelled, stomped out, and went to the garage.

I composed myself and went to find my girls who were in their bedroom painting nails and singing to the radio.  I told them that I was sorry about the blow up and I wish our home was more a more peaceful place for them.

Kid2 said

“You don’t have to apologize!  It all started cuz he can’t control his anger!”

She is so smart :)

He Makes Me Tense

Continuation of our “talk” in the basement tonight.
(See: Sleeping in the Basement)

He said “I don’t know why you always think I’m mad.”
I said “If you’re not mad then quit yelling at everyone.”

We talked once more about how upsetting it is for me when he is always so negative and loudly swearing and yelling.  Him yelling and swearing in the shower the other night has me thinking about this more lately.  I’ve been thinking about why I got so worked up when he did that.  I knew he wasn’t mad at me.  I knew it had nothing to do with me.  Yet, it was still very upsetting to me.

I realized that every time he gets loud and abrupt and swears or puts all that negative drama out there, I tense up – no matter what it is about.  I wish I could be objective about it and not care and know that it is his problem and not mine.  And truly not care.  But I do care.  I think it has more to do with the negative atmosphere and energy around me that makes me so tense and uncomfortable. 

He sounds so angry and it scares me.  I’m not scared like I’m scared he will physically hurt me.  But I’m still scared.  That’s kinda hard to admit.  I know that it all goes back to my childhood. My dad would get like that but then he would take it out on us with his belt.  So just hearing that kind of tone even makes me freak out a little still apparently.  Yes, I am 41 years old.  You’d think I’d be over that by now.  I have worked through a whole lot of that crap and am a better person for it.  But some things just stick with you.  It’s a part of who I am now, of who I’ve become.  I don’t think I will ever get over those feelings of dread that I get when a person gets angry and yells & all that.

Anyway, he is back to being angry at the world.  So much for my happy happy guy.  No surprise, but disappointing.

Sleeping in the Basement

Where to start?

Last night he slept on the couch in the basement cuz he was mad at me.  Why was he mad at me?  Because I protested when he tried to change the channel when Kid3 and I were in the middle of watching Phineas & Ferb. I said “We are watching that.”  That’s all.  He stomped away muttering something about how he cant’ even watch TV.  He watches more TV than I do so its not like I monopolize the TV or anything.  Plus we have 3 so whats the problem. Kid3 has had a fever all weekend and we were hanging out together on the recliner.  So hubby went to watch the TV in the basement. And he stayed there all night.  The kids and I made popcorn and watched another movie and had a nice peaceful evening.

Whatever, right?

This morning he left the house at 7am to go to an auction.  He got home around noon.  He hung out a while.  We did not speak to one another.  We sat on opposite ends of the couch.  I felt very awkward about the whole thing but I wasn’t gonna try talking to him first.  He was clearly still holding a grudge and I really didn’t want to get into it with him.  We did various stuff throughout the day – as a family – but never really looking at each other or talking.  Weird.

So I made supper and he sat with us but didn’t eat.  That is another thing he does.  I guess it is supposed to be a jab at me or something?  Really?  I don’t care if you don’t eat!   So then he & Kid1 took the dog for a walk.  When they got back, Kids2 & 3 were watching Transformers in the living room. (We watched a lot of TV today since Kid3 was sick and laying around.)  So we all sat together in the living room again, watching the movie.  When it was almost over, he said “Well we need to get up early tomorrow…” and he told the kids not to stay up too late and blah blah blah.

And he went to the basement.

After 10 minutes or so I couldn’t stand it and decided to go have it out with him.

Highlights:
He’d rather sleep down in the basement with no heat and lots of cobwebs than in bed with me.
He didn’t say that, I did.  You know, I was mad at him anyway for just being an angry jerk in general lately.  I am sick of being hurt by this man who has no consideration for anyone but himself.  So its not like I was ever so sad that he wasn’t going to be sharing a bed with me.  It was just the rejection again.  And the stupidity of the reason for his rejection.  It’s like he looks for ways to hurt me.  And yes, even though I was mad at him, it still hurt.

Why don’t you just go live in the farm house?! 
The old farm house on his parent’s ground has recently become available.  Ever since my niece moved out of it, I have been thinking it is the perfect solution and he could just move there!  Ha.  This was the first I mentioned it and he didn’t agree.  He thought that was a ridiculous idea.  He said “Why would I do that??”   I can think of a thousand reasons.

He became annoyed because I am “beating him up again”.  That’s what he said.  What that means is that once again I attempted to hash stuff out with him and actually talk about our marriage and what on earth we are gonna do about it.  According to him there is nothing to do about it.  I once again pointed out that he has a terrible temper and yells at me & the kids pretty much daily, that he flips out over stupid stuff, that he never says anything nice to me but is sure to let me know how he disagrees with the way I do just about everything.  I could go on & on, but really it is nothing new.

He says he loves me so there is no problem.  Wrong.  Actions speak louder than words.  His actions prove him to be a jerk.   And excuse me but if your wife does not feel loved, and keeps mentioning things like divorce, separation, and you moving out of the house – wouldn’t you say there IS a problem??

He takes no responsibility for this miserable marriage. I told him again how horrible it was for him to say what he said to me the other night.  Instead of him accepting any responsibility for his actions, he turned it around on me again.  I will perhaps write about that later.  Maybe.  It was very hurtful and I still don’t even want to think about it.

His anger scares me.  My babble on this got long so I made it a post of it’s own.

Oh – and I told him what I thought about him not wearing his wedding ring.  I told him all that I wrote about how if he could remember all those other things, he could surely remember his ring.  He said “Good point.”  That response surprised me.  Ha.

So how did we leave it?  Well, he got a little nicer.  There was no hug.  There was no kiss.  I wouldn’t say we made up.  I went back upstairs with the kids and he stayed there.  When I left I turned the light off on him and said “Good night.”

And he stayed there.

Anger Management Plan for My Family

I talked to hubby the other night about how there is just too much yelling in this house.  I said we need an anger management plan.  His immediate response was “Well I’m not gonna go have someone tell me what I need to do.  I’m not going to counseling.”

I said “Believe it or not, there are people who know more than you. ”  I said it with a smile.  Ha.  Amazingly that statement did not cause a fight.

This is not new, we both have talked about this in the past and about how we don’t want to be yelling and feel bad about it every time we do.  Ugh.  Why is it SO hard to change these destructive behaviors!?!?!?

So I said we need to come up with our own plan then.  He said well if we need to learn something or be told something about how to raise our family, we should read the bible if anything.  I almost dropped dead.  First of all, this is the man who normally refuses to cooperate with any actual plan.  Second, this man has said sometime recently that he was not so sure he was saved and I think he thinks God stuff is just corny and fake.  He never reads his bible.  Ever.  Sorry to say.  Yes, our family prays at dinner and we say prayers with the kids at bedtime.  We read bible stories together etc.  But hubby has probably only ever prayed at dinner once or twice ever.  True.  He just doesn’t feel comfortable praying out loud.  But he does make sure the kids do it.  Wow – I could gab and gab about this – that’s a whole other post :)

So I said the book I was reading now tells us what the bible says about anger.  He laughed.  Of course it does, he said.

Book:  Home Improvement: Eight Tools for Effective Parenting

I read this book when my kids were younger.  It has some great ideas for disciplining your kids.  They have a new take on the classic “time-out” and it has been very helpful to me in the past.  I remembered it had a section on dealing with anger.  So I found it on the bookshelf and re-read some parts.  I am so glad I did.  I love the info they give on dealing with anger in your family.

Now, if I can just get hubby to read it….   He is the one with most of the anger.  Seriously.   And the book even talks about holding grudges etc.  I have written before about how he is the king of holding grudges!  I think if we can look at it as trying to get rid of anger in our FAMILY, then he won’t feel like I am pointing the finger at him and perhaps he will be all for this?  That would be awesome.

Hubby is always yelling about something…..   And I yell too much too :(    I am not proud.  And of course the kids have learned this behavior.  Some days just seem like one big blow up in this house.  We need to change this!

Problem:  Hubby isn’t a big reader.  He doesn’t sit still long enough to read much.  And if he does actually sit down, he is watching TV or falls asleep.  I don’t want this to be just another hopeful conversation that we have and then that’s the end of it.  But I also know him well enough by now to know that if I push him on it, he’ll shut down.  Grrr..   What to do?!?!

If I catch him in the right mood, I can show him the book and then leave it on his night stand.  Oh!  Wonder if they have this as an audiobook???  I just looked and found it on amazon for $20.  Hmm, I’ll have to ask him if he would prefer to listen to it instead of reading it.  He could listen to it in the car on his way to work.  See, he would hate that I am planning that for him.  I’m just making a suggestion!  I think it’s a great idea :)  lol

He got mad at the chair.

This happened a long time ago …  but hubby getting mad at me & the washing machine made me think of this again…..

Hubby walked through the dining room and stubbed his toe on a chair.  He loudly and angrily yelled “Damn chair!” and aggressively pushed the chair out of his way.  He was mad at the chair.


I remember thinking that was so crazy!   It really made an impact on me.

If I stub my toe, I am not thrilled of course.  And I might even swear.  But I do not get mad at the object.  That is weird to me.  Obviously I am the one that walked into the chair.  The chair did not jump up and trip me.  It was such a foreign concept to me then.   He gets worked up so easily about the stupidest little things.  If you need to get mad at someone, be mad at yourself for not watching where you were going and walking into a chair.  But that is even unnecessary isn’t it?  Perhaps you could laugh it off???  Hey, there’s an idea!  It just makes no sense to me.

I have tried many times to make a joke out of it.  And I say something like “Yea!  I can’t believe that chair tripped you!”  Sometimes he laughs and gets it.  Other times he just glares at me.  He is busy being ticked at the chair after all.

Similar scenarios have been repeated again and again.  Maybe this will seem stupid to some of you.  But I think it is a very clear illustration of how we think about life so very differently.

Next Newer Entries

Blog Stats

  • 64,981 hits
This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.