Let me tell you about last night.

Last night was the spring formal dance for kid2.  She was gorgeous as usual.


Image Source :DebShops.com

These are the shoes she wore – sparkly gold – and the rest of the outfit was even more fabulous.


Let me backtrack just a little….Kid2 also had an ortho appointment that morning that hubby took her to. 

The day before when Kid3 puked yet again at school – hubby went to pick him up and I made an appt and he took him to the doctor.  Hubby didn’t get to bed that day until about 2pm after working all night.

He’s been doing all the running around since I’ve been freaking out about driving.  And he has been wonderful about it.  I have had great guilt, especially when he needs to be sleeping!

So last night was the formal.  How this usually goes is we get ready, take pictures at home with the family, go to town, meet up with friends at the park that has great backdrops for more pics and take pics with friends, dates, etc.  Then we take them all up to the school where they see a few more friends, we take a few more pics, and then they finally go into the dance.  And we pick them up when its over.  Hubby has never participated in any of that.  And I was worried that he was reaching the end of his rope – feeling stressed about having to do all of this stuff he doesn’t normally have to do.

(NOT ONCE did I point out that I usually do all the stuff that he is feeling overwhelmed doing…. ha… but I want to point that out here!  Don’t you know it ladies!)

So in anticipation for last night let’s just say I was fully loaded with ativan.  Ha, that sounds bad.  But really, I wanted it in my system full strength because I was really afraid that I would have to do all that on my own last night and I still haven’t driven much at all since the driving panic attacks have been in high gear.  I spread the ativan throughout the day like you are supposed to.  I took 2 and 1/2 yesterday.

Turns out hubby was awesome – as he has been lately.  He was a little irritated when he heard about all the picture taking plans but he went along with it anyway.

He held her coat and gabbed with the other dads and when it was all over, I think he was glad he went.  I said “see what you’ve been missing!” He just laughed.  Kid2 was going t a friends house after the dance so no need to go pick her up.

Another thing on the list of things I’d asked hubby to do for me before Sunday was go get my RX refill.  Well with all that ativan in me, and my successful little drive around the block the other day, I decided I was going to try it myself.  I figured I’d go myself, pull over when I needed to, wait it out and carry on.  I need to face this.

Hubby offered to come along.  I said no.  He suggested I take Kid1 with me.  I said no.  I don’t want people watching me freak out!  So off I went.  I made sure I had Roar playing. Ha.  Never really got into that song before but it felt so empowering the other night, I put it on my ipod.

I was ok.  There were some what if moments.  But there were no black spots.  I am hosting Easter dinner for  my family here on Sunday and need some groceries but I had decided that once I got there, if all I could do was go through the drive through pharmacy window, that was just fine.  Well I did that and my RX wasnt ready of course so I had 20 minutes to kill.  SO I went and did my grocery shopping.  Then I went into the Dollar store next door.  I was walking around thinking wow – I feel like a normal person!  Yay.

So I got my med and drove home.  No trouble.  Yes, there were the thoughts in the back of my head but they didn’t take over.  Hubby loves mcdonalds double cheeseburgers.  I knew he was planning to be working in the garage on his 4-wheeler so I did a drive through and got some burgers for him and the kids and some fries for me.  (YUM – it’s been SO long since I ate any french fries!)

I went straight to the garage when I got home and he looked up with a big smile and said “There you are!  I had my phone with me in case you needed me.”  I said I come bearing gifts and gave him the burger.  He laughed and sat down and ate it.  I told him how I felt like a normal person tonight but I hated that it took all that med to make me feel that way.  You know what he said?  Well if that’s what it takes to straighten out those chemicals in your brain, then that’s what it takes.

THAT IS HUGE.  Because that means he looked it up and was reading about panic attacks.  He had told me he was going to do that cuz he just couldn’t understand what was wrong with me.  He has always been one of those guys that reject medicine and thinks that if you were just stronger, you could deal with it.  Like you feel nervous about something? Buck up and do it anyway. So he finally sees that there is more to it than that.  I’m sure that watching me freak out  – actually seeing me freak out in the car and not being able to get off the bathroom floor – helped him realize it was really real.  Ha!

So then I left him in the garage and went home to my other kiddos who were lost in minecraft world.  They only looked up when they smelled cheeseburgers.   lol

Then I thought of him saying about having his phone with him just in case.  So I texted him


And he is.  He really is here for me.

Off Wellbutrin to Try Anti-Depressant?

So after all that happened with the Wellbutrin, I want off of it!  Once I figured out that it contributed to my freak out I started weaning myself off of it immediately!  I have reduced my dose significantly and feel so much calmer overall.

I also have been taking Bright Spark from NativeRemedies.com and think it works wonderfully for concentration and focus.  I seriously feel happier!  I dont know if it is because of reducing the wellbutrin.  Or taking Bright spark (take this occasionally, not every day so I don’t know…)  Or maybe I’m just happier because my marriage is pretty great right now.

Don’t get me wrong, Wellbutrin did help me for a while.  The reason I chose to start taking it was because of this comment I read on a forum:

“The wellbutrin gets rid of the obsessive thoughts I have about my anxiety and panic attacks and I take the ativan when I am having an actual panic attack.”

And it really did help with that.

The problem is that I am still struggling so much to do everyday things.  I am so tired of having to work so hard to do normal things.  And I’m sick of missing out on life.

I was on Paxil for post-partum depression after kid3.  Paxil is a wonderful drug!  It helped me so much and not only helped with the depression, but helped in many other ways as well.  It basically erased my shyness.  That’s the way I described it at the time.  This was way before panic attacks had entered my life.  I have always been shy and hated being the center of attention, or giving speeches etc.  I’ve done those things – just didn’t like to.

Now – I have trouble sitting in the bleachers watching my kids play volleyball.  Then – I was on the volleyball team playing in front of everyone!

Now – bleachers at football games suck!  Then – I was in the band marching around on the field in front of everyone!

Now – Do not even ask me to get up and talk in front of a group.  Then – not only did I give oral reports etc at school, but I gave a speech at graduation!  In the same gym that I have trouble sitting in!  That gym was packed for graduation with some people having to stand.  And I stood in front of all those people and gave a speech!  Now I wont even go into that gym unless I’ve taken ativan and can get a seat near the door.  Ugh.  What the hell happened to me?  And why?!

Anyway… Paxil cured me of that.  I even hosted a wedding shower for my sister and was bossy and in charge of the games and gave a sweet little talk about my sister – in front of all those people.  I didnt know a lot of them either.  And then I stood up in her wedding as maid of honor – in all my fat glory.  Ugh.  I hate all pictures that I am in from that wedding! When my other sister got married before that I refused to be in it and was guest book attendant instead.  Heck even for my own wedding, we had a “destination wedding” with 4 other people there – cuz I didn’t want to be the center of all that attention!

Paxil worked wonders for me and I remember thinking that this must be how everyone else feels.  I felt normal for once.

The problem with paxil though is that I gained 40 pounds.  yes – 40!  And Paxil withdrawal is no picnic.  That is putting it mildly.  So I don’t really want to go back on Paxil.

I want something that works just like paxil but without the weight gain.  I doubt that exists.  I’ve googled so many different medications and it seems all anti-depressants have possible weight gain as a side effect.

I’ve decided I want to try an anti-depressant again though anyway.  Just remembering how I felt when I was on Paxil makes me think it might really help me.  I want to get on with living!  And I’m hoping that other meds are as likely to result in weight gain as Paxil is.  And I know to look out for that side effect now so maybe I’ll be able to keep it under control if it does become an issue.

(Of course I’ve just set a new weight loss goal for myself too – 10 pounds by April 30th – just in time for our 20th anniversary!)

This post was a lot of babbling I know.  I’m trying to figure this out.  I go to the doctor on Wednesday and am going to talk to her about all this.  I’d also like to try xanax instead of ativan since it works faster – that should help with having to plan ahead so much – to be sure to take it in time for whatever event is gonna stress me out next.

But then I love my dear ativan.  I need a refill on that and am wondering if they will do both – refill ativan and a new RX for xanax at the same time.  They may not.  I want my ativan still – it is like my security blanket!

See, I have no idea what will happen but I’d like to have an idea about what I want before I go in there on Wednesday!



Tuesday was quite a day.  My plan was to get up early, do about an hours worth of work that absolutely had to be done that morning then LOG OFF.  Then run around my house like a looney cleaning, organizing, making lists for gifts, diff Christmas events, updating my calendars, planning what food I was taking where, etc.  All that holiday stuff that needed to be done and was getting away from me.  THEN, I was going shopping and not stopping until my Christmas shopping was completely complete.  Then meet my step-mom and sisters for a late dinner for a ladies night out.

Well the snow came.  The kids had a 2 hour delay. I didn’t get my peaceful organized morning, I got out the door way later than I wanted to and of course I was fretting about driving back to those stores where I had my last meltdown. (AKA panic attacks)

Long story short, I did it.  It wasn’t easy and I hated a lot of the day.  I despise standing in lines when I am on edge and trying to recover from recent panic attacks.  Of course I had to stand in lines.  I forced myself to do it and not flee even though I really wanted to.  I got most of my shopping done before dinner.  I truly enjoyed dinner with my ladies and felt pretty relaxed by that point.  After dinner, I drove to the Walmart parking lot, locked my door, and sat there with the light on in my car and organized my life.  I wanted to be sure I was DONE before going home.  I had just a few small gifts to get and lots of groceries.  I did it.  It was about 11:00 pm when I headed home.

As I was driving home, I went down the road that I was avoiding all day – the one where I had the big panic attack last week.  I was determined to drive down that road before heading home.  It was late, the roads were not busy and I felt confident.  I sat at that stop light feeling all proud of myself.  I thought “Wow!  I feel normal.  This is great!”

Then I realized.  I had 3 ativan in me.  Yep.  They were spaced out over the day but still.  THREE!!  I rarely take 3 a day – only on days that I am out & about in possible panic attack situations and the day keeps on going and going….

It takes 3 for me to feel normal apparently.  That sucks.

I am both grateful and ticked off at the same time.  I’m grateful that I am able to use ativan to help me work through this panic monster crap.

I am ticked that I would even need a freakin ativan to drive down the road past Target.  Ridiculous.

My mom came to all my games?

I made it through the volleyball game with my mother.  She was nice and I’m glad she came. I could tell hubby felt a little weird about it too but he did ok talking to her.  She and stepdad want to come to the next home game too.  We’ll see if she follows through with that.

I have vented on here before about how she never came to my games etc when I was a teenager.  I said to her last night that I don’t remember her coming to many of my games.  She said “what?!?  I think I came to all of them!  We sat right over there.”  She said she brought my little bro & sis and my dad popped in maybe for maybe one game a year.

Hmmm.  Ok, so do I really just remember it wrong?  I will have to ask my older sister today who played also.  I remember that we would go to the pay phone in the lobby and call home and click the receiver so we didn’t have to pay and she would know that we were ready to be picked up.  I remember waiting in the gym lobby after many games – waiting for our ride.

It was sad actually to realize all the things my mom doesn’t know about my world.  She asked if Kid1 had been in the agricultural parade with the band, they didn’t see her.  I said yes she was there.  I said Kid2 was there too.  They asked what did she do in the parade?  I said she is in band too.  Oh.  awkward silence.  What does she play?  The sax.

Also, Kid1 started at the vocational school this year, so she splits her days between there and the high school.  For this program she is also dual enrolled in a local community college so that she can earn college credits for her courses at the vocational school.  This was a big decision and a we talked about it a lot while she was trying to decide.  My mom had no idea that she was doing this.  That is crazy sad.  She is so removed from our lives.  :(

As far as the bleachers go, well I was double dosed on ativan – so I was fine.  Ugh.

I know there is no real “normal” but I still want to be normal.

You will never know how BADLY I want to just be normal.

My nerves are shot.  I don’t know how to stop this anxiety.  I don’t want to have to be medicated the rest of m life just so I can be normal.


Yesterday I had a meeting (yuk) at Panera (Yum!) with a new client.

Yesterday I got a haircut.

Tonight is Kid’2 first basketball game in the big gym.

Tonight is Kid1’s first volleyball game in the big gym, right after Kid2’s game.

On the upside, I’m going to get a LOT of exposure therapy in that gym tonight.

Down side, I feel insane and of course family members will be there to support my girls (yay) and watch me crumble (boo).

Today isnt fun and I hate it.

It ticks me off.

Dear God,   Thank you for ativan today.

Too Freakin’ Hot for a Ballgame

I am having a “there’s too much to do and it’s too freakin’ hot and I can’t breathe” kind of day.

And I’m almost out of ativan.  And I need it for later cuz I’m supposed to be going to a major league baseball game tonight with all the in-laws. I don’t want to go.  It’s too hot and big crowds freak me out and big bleachers freak me out too.

My mind is racing with all of the different scenarios where I tell hubby I don’t want to go.  He has been excited about all of us going for a long time though.  If I don’t go, it’s just one more way that I am a disappointment to him. And my kids want me to go.  There is more guilt.

God help me.

Panic Attack in Traffic :(

Usually I drive the whole way myself obviously since hubby doesn’t usually go, this time we split it. Usually I nap the day that we are leaving because I prefer to drive at night.  I wasn’t able to do that this year and figured it wasn’t a big deal since I’d have help driving.  That was before I knew his plan about splitting the drive so evenly.  When he goes somewhere with us, he drives the majority of the time.  His idea, not mine.  I was looking forward to a break.  I got tired after about 3 hours and asked him to drive.  He got irritated because it wasn’t half way and it was just weird for him to be making such a big deal of it.  I thought he was being strangely weird about insisting that we split the drive so very evenly.   Whatever.  He got over it.

On the way home…


I hate even typing this.

I had a HUGE panic attack on a crazy busy highway near Richmond Virginia.  My face was seriously tingling*.  Like when you are gonna pass out.  I couldn’t catch my breath and I made hubby put his hand on mine on the steering wheel.  He was being awesomely supportive actually.  I drove that way for what seemed like forever but was probably about 10 minutes really.  I was taking slow deep breaths.  I was trying to fight through it but I couldn’t do it.  I saw a spot to pull to the side of the road and did it.  Hubby got mad but I think he was more freaked out that I pulled  over in such a high traffic area than he was really mad.  He started driving and I cried.  Ugh.  I didn’t even realize we were so close to the underwater tunnel either.  About 5 minutes later we were speeding through the tunnel with gazillions of other cars.  SO glad I pulled over when I did.  Not sure what I would have done if that would have come up while I was already freaking out.

I have done that tunnel before.  I CAN do it.  I CAN do it.  But I could not have at that moment.  :(

I am mad about the panic attack.

I am embarrassed.

I am scared.

I am depressed about it.

I was doing well!  I am mad that this continues to happen to me.  I am embarrassed that this happened in front of hubby and I needed him to save me.  I have done that beach trip driving by myself 2 other times.  ALL BY MYSELF!   And many other trips before that!   I don’t need him.  Why did I have to freak out when he was there?!  I am scared because it seems like I have been having more panic attacks recently than I have in a long time.  I am scared because before a lot of my anxiety was anticipatory anxiety – I was afraid I might have a panic attack.  Now…. I am actually having the panic attacks!  What the ?!?!?  I am depressed about it because – is this what my life is going to be?  Will I have to continue to worry and plan and drive at night only on trips to avoid traffic??  Even the thought of driving to the beach next year makes me want to throw up.

Oh yeah…  and later on the trip I did actually throw up.  SO embarrassing.  I hate that I was weak in front of hubby.  So much for my fake it till you make it.  That blew up in my face.  SO much for my “I’m awesome, who the hell are you?” attitude that was working so well in my fight against the panic monster!

Our GPS is old and out of date.  I refuse to buy a card to update ours because I see that the new ones come with lifetime updates.  I want one that we can plan our route on the computer, hook up the GPS and tell it where we want to go.  We were not supposed to be on that busy highway near Richmond.  Nope.  Hubby was navigating with the map and I listened and he didn’t mean to take me there, but that’s where we went.    And then when he was driving near the end of the trip, he didn’t ignore the GPS like he should have.  I’ve used the thing on enough trips to know when to ignore it cuz it doesn’t know what its talking about, he kept listening to it even when common sense should have told him not to.  Seriously, about an hour from home – when he KNEW where we were, he listened to the stupid thing and got on very windy, small country road that went on for 14 miles.  yes.  14 miles!

I woke up amd immediately needed to puke.  I don’t do good on windy roads and he was mad cuz he figured out he was on the wrong road and was driving fast and jerky.  Ugh.  Twice he had to pull over while I yacked in the weeds.  So nice.   yep.  Such a nice way to end the trip.  Ugh.

I got a cold on the way to the beach.  Hubby is convinced it’s cuz I had the Air conditioning blowing in my face while I was driving.  He may be right.  I was so stuffy and my throat hurt and was all congested.  I bought some alkaseltzer cold medicine that I had never tried before and wow that stuff is wicked.  It knocked me out just like nyquil does.  I had the daytime and night-time pills and was taking that most of the week.

Then… I was getting nervous about driving back because we decided to leave at 8pm instead of midnight and I was supposed to drive first.  I didn’t want to drive first but he was insisting that it would work better since he is better at staying awake at night and figured by midnight or so I’d be ready to sleep.  It was a good plan (if I wasn’t a nut case with panic attacks!) and I was trying to be strong and defiant against the panic monster and do it.  I took 2 ativan.  I took them too close together and I knew it.  Then I got a pepsi max cuz that’s what I do on these drives.  That is the ONLY time I ever drink that and I usually sip it for the entire 8-9 hour drive.  I think I was drinking it too fast cuz I was worried about getting tired because I took 2 ativan.  Ugh.  The whole situation wasn’t good.  I knew it before I even got on the highway.

And then came my freak out.   I HATE this post.

And my kids were in the car and saw me freak out too :(  Hubby told them he thinks I got sick cuz of my cold medicine and pepsi max.  I hope they are satisfied with that and don’t ask more questions and figure out their mom is a nut case :(

I know this post is all out of order and long and rambling.  I’m not going to fix it.  I feel anxiety coming on just typing all this out and don’t want to deal with it anymore tonight.  It is what it is, hope you can follow it.

(* When in labor with my first kid, my face got all tingly cuz I wasn’t breathing right and the nurse told me I was going to hyperventilate.  That tingling is exactly what I was feeling! )

Meeting with a Maybe Millionaire

I have a phone meeting at 11 this morning with a millionaire old guy from Florida.  lol  He is a new client that I have only spoken to via email so far.  I think it will be fine.  I know my stuff.  I have my marketing recommendations for his websites ready.  I do not know for a fact that he is a millionaire, but he very well could be.  I’ve seen his many websites and the gross sales that he gets from them.  He is a rich guy.  Maybe he’ll think I’m awesome and send me a bonus just for the fun of it.  lol  A girl can dream!

I took half an ativan cuz I’m freaking out just a little.  Just a little though so that is a big improvement.  In the past, meetings like this have given me anxiety and panic attacks for days.  HUGE improvement!  Thank you Lord!

Anxiety: Ativan to the Rescue

I have been turning to ativan more than I want to the past 2 weeks.

– kid2’s orthodontist appointment

– a birthday surprise party where we were in charge of getting the birthday boy there in a tricky way (which meant we were walking in with him while a bunch of people yelled surprise!)

– Senior night at basketball game (crowded AND bleachers!) for my niece.

– Super Bowl party

– cub scouts pinewood derby

– took kids & friends skating & bowling (very crowded!)

– pms

So I’ve been stressing about that the past few days and trying not to take it.  BUT I have been feeling incredibly shaky and jumpy.  And I keep noticing that I’m holding my breath….  I’m just a mess.  So now I’ve decided that it is crazy to not just take the stupid ativan!  I have a doctor appt next week and can get a refill then.  It’ll be fine.  I need to be able to calm down and focus and get some things done!

I’m hoping to feel better in about an hour… In the mean time I’m going to do some diaphragmatic breathing in between bursts of work :)

Ativan RX Lasted over 2 Months :)

Just refilled the Ativan prescription.

This last one lasted from 10/11/12 – 12/20/12 and I had 4 pills left.  RX was for 30 pills.   And quite a few of those were taken just recently at dentist appts and band concerts etc.

Oh my – I have been to the dentist 3 times this month!  Once for a cleaning, then twice now to have cavities filled.  I haven’t had any cavities since I was a teenager.  My gums are receding by my ‘fang’ teeth.  Ha.  Not sure what they are really called.  But at all four of them – my gums are receding, more of the roots are showing, which is not as hard as the enamel on the tooth, so they are decaying.   And this wonderful new dentist that just took over the practice decided it was time to deal with it.  He drilled them all out and filled them up with white filling stuff and they look awesome.  It looks so good – just like normal teeth now.  Ha.  So that’s great but it was pretty tough and involved lots of ativan each time.  The Novocaine shots were the worst.  I was thanking God for the TV in the ceiling.  They have the volume off but that captions on – so when I would start to freak out I focused very intently on reading those words!  John Travolta and Olivia Newton John were on the Kelly and whoever show that day.  The dentist wanted to spread the appointments out more but I really wanted to get this done before the end of the year.  We have partial dental insurance and had already met the deductible for the year so a good bit of this was covered by the insurance.  If I waited until January – the deductible starts over and it costs me more.  I have no idea why I’m babbling all this.


I took off work yesterday to try to catch up on everything.  The plan was to go to the dentist, go to the grocery store with list in hand to be prepared for all the holiday meals and cookie baking.  And then go buy my girls new mattresses, come home and get a bunch done at the house.  (The mattresses my girls have been using forever are not very good at all – they complain about how hard they are often.  They were hand-me-down mattresses from a relative.  They were on my buy-someday-hopefully-soon list.  With all this Christmas shopping though – and especially when I paid $60 for a silly toy, I thought about how ridiculous it was that I would pay all this $ for all these gifts but won’t spend the money on mattresses that they use every single day of their lives and would be appreciated for a long time. So yesterday I bought them both new mattresses.)

Off track again…  I got most of my stuff done when I was out running errands, my grocery list wasn’t really prepared though and I was winging it through the store – making up the menu as I went down the aisles.  Not the way I like to shop.  And Kids 1 & 3 were both home from school sick!  Fevers and colds.  Happily no puking or anything – but the fevers that won’t quit are rough.  It’s hard to catch up on anything when you are tending to sick kids.  Hubby stayed awake with them while I was gone. But then was asleep the rest of the day/evening.  He woke up for a bit at one point, talked to me for about 5 minutes, got ticked at me and went back to the basement to sleep.  Yippee.

The original point of this post – 26 ativan pills last me over 2 months.  Yay me!

Have a good day.  I’m gonna go try to focus and stop the babbling in my head so I can get some work done today.  The paid kind of work, the rest will have to wait until later.  Bye!

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.