Lower your expectations and you won’t be disappointed.

When the scale is 1-10, and your expectations are a 12 – you’re certainly going to be disappointed right?

Right.

That’s what happened with camping of course.

Kiddos and I had a great time.  When hubby got there he was already very ticked at me.  I had no idea.  He came earlier than expected and had not slept yet.  He went to sleep in the tent shortly after he got there and grumped at me.  His back was hurting terribly and he was tired.  I figured that was his problem.  I tried the best I could to ignore him but ended up crying alone in the woods.  Ugh.  It was such a let down.

I didn’t figure out until the next day that he was pissed at me.   It wasn’t until I told him how much I had been looking forward to this trip and what great memories I had from last year that he told me why he was mad.  By then the trip was halfway over and I was over it too.  I’ll tell that story another day.

I did not want to type this today.  I wanted to type out what a great weekend it was and how great we got along.  I am so sad that didn’t happen.

When we got home we were exhausted and it was raining.  We didn’t unload the van right away because of the rain and we were all very happy to just plop down on the couch and veg out to some “Good Luck Charlie”.  Hubby was fast asleep in no time – he had to work 3rd shift that night so he was trying to get some sleep.  Kids were staring blankly at the TV and I came to my room and cried.  I cried hard – the kind where you can’t catch your breath and you can’t stop sobbing…    That was me.

So – I want to type it all out here – and I hope to do that soon.  Not sure what I think about it all yet though.  And I am writing to him.  I am writing a letter to him, telling him all the things I am feeling and want him to know.  The things that he never hears because we can’t seem to have a real conversation.  He doesn’t care to have that kind of conversation with me.  The first night I wrote was Sunday night – the day we got back from camp.  He left for work, I put the kids to bed and sat on my bed and wrote.  It was like 6 pages when I was done and I still had stuff I wanted to tell him.  But I was so very tired.

I added more to that letter tonight. I am going to keep writing to him.  I need to get it out.  I need him to hear all of this. I want him to know how I feel and how his actions affect me.  I want him to know that I am SO done with this and how he is breaking my heart all over again.  I write things I want him to know but don’t have the guts to say out loud – to his face.

I don’t know if I will ever give these letters to him.  I want to.  I really want to.  Honestly, maybe he wouldn’t even read them anyway.  He would be annoyed because it is already so many pages and it will certainly continue to grow as I get everything off my chest.

We are going to the beach Sept 9th.  He isn’t going – at least I don’t think.  He does not have enough vacation time so if he went some of those days would be unpaid.  That would hurt us.  Also, he doesn’t love it as much as we do and is happy to have an out.  BUT – last year he wasn’t planning to go either – and then the day before we left we had a huge fight and I told him I didn’t want him to go…. I swear that is why he went last year.  I think that scared him actually and he wised up for a short time.  We had a pretty good beach vacation after that – you’d swear he was a brand new man…  But that is another part of this problem isn’t it???  Why can’t he wise up and stay that way?!  It is always short lived.  I do think he has good intentions, but he can’t ever seem to hang onto the happiness – the negativity in his brain always takes over again.  I am tired.  So very tired of all of this.  I really don’t want him to go with us this year.  I think he really wants to skip it too – so it’ll be great for both of us.

Well I got off topic and really rambled here….

What I wanted to say was that camping was fun with my kids but hubby acted like an ass most of the time.  I will tell that story more later but for now I need to be writing to my hubby.  I hope I have the nerve to actually give him the letters.  I am thinking of giving them to him when we leave for the beach.  I’m not trying to play games, that just might be the perfect time though.  He would have a whole week to actually read them and digest them.  And get pissed at me, and then mellow out a but before we get home….  I dunno.  We’ll see how it all works out.

Sadly, I feel like the blog world knows me and understands me so much better than my own husband.  That really sucks.  Perhaps these letters to him will change that.  Or maybe he won’t even read them.  He has done that in the past.  He said something like – just tell me how you feel – I’m not gonna read a note like I’m in grade school.  Or he’ll be irritated that I even want to talk about feelings and relationship stuff with him.  I think the man thinks everything is just fine.  I think has no idea how hard any of this is for me and how miserable he is to live with.  I want him to know!  I want him to know what I need and either decide to care about that and at least try – OR LET ME GO. I keep thinking I can stick it out for the kids.  He is a good Dad after all.  But I don’t think I’m built that way.  I keep hoping and trying to make it work.  And I keep getting hurt over and over again.  I can’t do it.  I think the only thing that can save us now is a real attitude adjustment on his part.   That’s it.  One that lasts.

I don’t know if he needs happy pills, or a different work shift, or a different job, or maybe just to not be with me.  I dunno why he is such a miserable person.  I can tell you that he has not always been like this – not to this extreme anyway.  He needs to figure it out and fix it!

If he refuses to even read my letters, well that speaks volumes now doesn’t it?

We are going camping!

We are going camping tomorrow.  I am so excited.  I love it.  I really do.  It is a complete pain in the rear to pack for though.  I should still be doing that but needed a break.  Ugh.

We do primitive camping.  No plumbing, no electricity, sleep in tents, cook on the fire pit (& our Coleman stove).

All the sites have on them are a picnic table and a fire ring.  If you are lucky, there is a decently level spot to put your tent :)  You are actually in the woods.  It is a state park campground, but no cleared lots with grass and electrical hookups.  Real, honest to goodness camping.  Other than the bathrooms, it’s perfect!  Ha.

There is a hand pump not too far away for drinking water.  The bathrooms are basically like port-a-potty’s in a little building.

Rustic camping to be sure.  This year my sisters and their kids are camping with my kids & I on Thursday night.  No hubbies that night.  Then they are going home late Friday and hubby is coming after work.  He works 3rd shift so will probably sleep some first too.  My sisters have not camped as adults.  We used to all go when we were kids.  My younger sister says she doesn’t remember it though.

My older sister is appalled that there is not even a sink to wash her face in.

My younger sister says we need to rough it even more.  She wants to just eat hot dogs and s’mores the entire time and says we don’t even need plates.  I disagree – we need paper plates cuz I really don’t want to sit in some marshmallow goo on the picnic table bench.  It’s happened before.  Ha.  Besides that, half the fun of camping is cooking over the fire.  We are definitely cooking more that hot dogs and marshmallows!

There will be  3 adults and 9 kids.  LOL  Sounds crazy when I type it like that.

Then they will all go home, hubby will come and we will settle into our very relaxing, peaceful, restful, rejuvenating vacation.  I love it – can you tell?!?  (I’m a Girl Scout at heart!)

Well I guess I better go finish packing then huh?

Happy Camping!

Camping Last Year :)

Good Times: Family Camping

As I said in a post a few weeks ago, I think hubby and I are headed in the right direction.  I mentioned that we have had some sunny moments in our relationship and that is what kept us hanging on.  Sunny moments among the storm clouds.

Sunny Moment: Family Camping

We have gone camping every summer for the last 3 years.  At first he resisted.  His family’s idea of camping is to buy a trailer in a clearing on a mountain.  It has electricity, plumbing, neatly mowed grass, all the comforts of home.  Nothing wrong with that.  MY idea of camping is sleeping in a tent in the woods and cooking all your meals over a fire.  Last year we upgraded to a Coleman stove :)

Hubby has grown to enjoy it.  He’s not quite ready to admit it yet and of course he has to groan when I schedule it.  But he goes.  And he smiles a lot when we are there.  It is truly one of the most peaceful things our family does the entire year.  No TVs, no internet, just a smidgen of cell phone service if you are standing in the right spot, no crazy kid schedules.  We just relax.  We swim in the lake, we hike on the trails, we lounge by the fire.  And things like cooking over the fire and hauling water from the pump take up our time.  We take coloring books & new crayons.  My kids color.  (They are 13, 11, & 8!)  I color too.  We play Uno by the light of the lantern, and eat way too many s’mores.  It is heaven.

I have a picture that one of the kids took of hubby and I last year.  It is my most favorite picture of us ever.  We are both leaned in towards each other, our heads touching.  We are both smiling.  No fake smiles.  Real smiles that just ooze peaceful contentment.  Every time I look at it I remember the fun, happy time we had camping last year.  We got along easily!  We were both just very happy.  That picture reminds me of how truly happy & at peace I felt with him.  I wish I could show it to you – but that doesn’t work here on my anonymous blog does it?

I know he felt that too.  I can look at that photo and see it in his eyes.  Oh I wish I could show it to you!  Of course the whole weekend was not pure bliss, but it was pretty darn good!  I do remember some harsh words we had while cooking sausage.  Ha.  He left the campground before noon on our last day there.  He went home to sleep so he’d be ready for his 3rd shift job that night.  The kids & I stayed as long as we could – swimming and playing on the rocks.  He texted me several times after he left.  Nice texts that I wish I would have saved.  Flirty texts.  Mushy moment texts.   Texts that were kinda like modern day love letters :)

We are going camping again this year.  Near the end of August.  I can hardly wait!

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.