The conversation was different this time.

He came home from work in a good mood.  I thought perhaps I shouldn’t say all the things I planned to say.  It was a long long night for me – thinking of what I should do and what I should say to him – if anything.

I wondered if I should just wait it out – these feelings will pass won’t they?  They always do.  And he was in a good mood, it would be a good day.  Then I decided no, I should not wait – that is why we are still in the same situation.  The same sucky situation…

I do not want to make decisions based on his mood.

So after Kid3 left for school, hubby was gabbing about work.  Happily gabbing about everything.  He had no idea how miserable I was all night.  Why do I have to bear this burden on my own?

I said “we need to talk.”  Cliche I guess, and not something I normally say, but I wanted to make it clear from the start that this was a serious conversation.

Basically I said that it is too hard to live with him.  I told him kinda about my happy family dream.  His anger, negativity, moodiness etc …  they are too much for me to bear.    He got mad at first, saying he doesn’t know what the prob is and here I was telling him a big list of things he needs to change… blah blah blah.

But the conversation was different this time.  And he knew it.  I need/want different things than he is able or willing to provide.  We talked about him moving out.  He said then we will sell the house and I will have to find another place to live.  I said fine but the kids are living with me.  He said  fine.

Typing these words makes me want to puke.

He said it sounded like I had already made up my mind – like we had no chance.  I said no, I am really hoping he steps up to the plate and fixes this. I am praying he decides I am worth it.  But I made it clear that I will not continue as we are.

I asked him if he would still say no to marriage counseling.  He said he’s not ready for that and he wants to see if he can fix it himself first.  That gave me hope.  I DO want him to fix it – I want that more than anything in this world.

We said many things we have said before.  I think I was very clear.  It sucked, it really sucked.

So many times I was saying one thing out loud – calmly and rationally, and inside I was screaming – nevermind it’ll be ok!  I just want you to love me!

I DO NOT want this to be the end of my marriage or my family.  I DO want it to be better though.  It is not healthy the way it is.  I cannot make him be happy or be kind or whatever.  Believe me, I’ve tried.  It is up to him.  I’m sorry but I don’t believe anything will change.   I know that in my head but my heart is aching and is in denial right now.

I am not asking him to do anything unreasonable – or to be someone he’s not.  I’m asking him to take a step back and see the anger he has let take over his life.  I’m asking him to let that go and get back to the happy guy I fell in love with almost 25 year ago.  Wow!  25 years.  (Married 18 years but we started dating in high school)

I really hope this is a wake up call for him and not the end of our marriage.  Please God, don’t let it be the end of my marriage!

Advertisements

It Has Been a Year

It has been a year since I told him to move out.

December 27th, 2010 – We had been fighting all day.  We had been fighting for years I guess.  I had been crying for a long time.  Then I was angry for an even longer time.  Then I was sad because I didn’t know how to fix it.  Then I gave up.  Then I got strong and decided I wanted to stand on my own.  I told him he should move out.  I told him I didn’t want to live with him anymore.

We went back & forth a lot this past year, trying to make it work and wondering if we should just give up.

We are still here.

On Tuesday it was a year since I finally made that decision and took a stand.  I read somewhere that if you decide that you want a divorce, wait one whole year after you have made that decision to act on it.  If you still want a divorce after that year, then you will be more prepared because you had all that time to get your finances etc together and come to terms with it.  Obviously the hope though is that you won’t still want that divorce.  So I have waited a year.  I fully expected to be separated from my husband by now, or at least to be very soon.  I knew that I would wait until after the holidays because that would be really crappy timing for my kids.  But I expected things to be miserable and I was hoping perhaps that by now we would at least not be so angry at each other, we would be resigned to the fact that we couldn’t make it work and be civil to one another.

Thankfully it did not come to that.

This year has been full of ups & downs.  And honestly I still can’t say that I trust him forever yet.   But wow.  SO MUCH BETTER than where we were a year ago!

Some days he still infuriates me.  Some days I get angry and wonder why I have tried so hard to save this marriage.  But most days I am glad that we are still together.

He had a major attitude adjustment.  That happened 9/26/11 – just 3 months ago.  There is no other way I can describe the change that ultimately saved our marriage.  Some days his old grumpy, moody self creeps out, but not as often as before.  Before it was pretty much all the time.

A great example of my new happy hubby:  Tonight the kids were all being rowdy.  The don’t-know-when-to-stop kind of rowdy.  Just picking on each other and laughing hysterically, and throwing candy canes at each other.   I kept telling them to knock it off, they weren’t listening at all.  (How long is Christmas break ?!?!?!)  Hubby picked a candy cane up off the floor and pretended to slam it down on the table with a loud bang.  They all looked shocked and then cracked up.  He laughed and left the room.  Well, this started a big conversation about what would have happened if daddy would have actually done that – how it would have cracked and been smashed to powdered candy cane that they could mix in their hot chocolate.  How it would probably fly everywhere and stick to the walls, etc.  My son went on & on with the stories and what ifs with his imagination in over-drive.  Apparently it got the best of him, he stood up on the table and threw a candy cane down with all his might.  It flew everywhere.  Little sticky red & white chunks were on the curtains, in the carpet, everywhere.  He didn’t know if he should laugh or cry when he saw the look on my face. It’s funny now, not so much then.  I laughed more than I yelled – I can say that I guess.  Ha.  Hubby came to see what happened.  He laughed and told him to get the sweeper.

He laughed and told him to get the sweeper.

Amazing.

It has been a year since I told him to move out.  He never did move out.  I’m glad.

(In case you are wondering why his reaction was so awesome...
Before? Yelling, swearing, Mean harsh words about how stupid
that was, just terrible nastiness. So this was a huge
improvement!)

He accepts me the way I am. pppffffft!

Last night I told him about the fact that I have been asking him not to swear for 13 years.  And I told him I would have listened to him if it had been reversed.   His response?  “I accepted you the way you are, I wouldn’t do that to you.”

I think that was supposed to be a slap in the face to me.  Like he was better than me for not being petty or something.  Well, if I had been cursing like a sailor in front of my kids for 13 years….  I really doubt he would never have said anything.  I said I was “pissed off” in front of his dad one time and later I heard about it from him – he couldn’t believe I would talk like that in front of his dad.  Huh?

Whatever.

Also during this conversation, which was taking place about 2am…. I said, “Do you think we’re gonna last?”  He said “Guess we’ll have to just wait and see.”   Well at least we are thinking the same about this situation.  I didn’t say much to that.  What would I say.  I wanted to say that I can’t believe we’ve lasted as long as we have.  I wanted to say “Would you just please leave!?!?!?”  I didn’t say anything.

Apparently that got to him and soon after that he started going off about how if I’m gonna ask him “shit like that” then I should expect a “bullshit answer”.  He said of course we are gonna make it, we’ve made it this far haven’t we?  He was mad, saying I was trying to “start something”.

Yea, sure.  That was my plan.  I really want to have another fight with you.  It never even occurs to him that my plan may actually be to SAVE this marriage.  I want him to get it and I want him to make it a priority.  I want him to care and I want him to just BE NICE.  And yea, I think we need to talk about it.

After I went to bed (alone again) last night all I could think about was how we can just end this and get on with our lives.  Today I can’t stop thinking about it.  I am just so tired of the crap.

Right now my mind is spinning.  I can’t remember where I read it, but the book said that after you have made the decision that you want out of your marriage, give it one year.  The hope is that you will have worked things out during that year.  If that doesn’t happen, at least you will be sure and you will be more prepared to make the change.  I count Dec 27th 2010 as the day I finally made that decision.

You are not inferior.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

We went to a family birthday party today and I talked for quite a while with my very judgmental sister.  (Not the one I told you about earlier that suggested the Codependent No More book.)  My older sister is Ms. Fix-It.  She likes to fix people :)  Even when you don’t think you are broken, she will find something that needs to be fixed.  I love her dearly.  I can deal with her better than my younger sister can.  But some days it is still work.  Today is was my hair.  It needs trimmed and she knows the perfect place to go for it and exactly how I should have it cut.  It seemed to be the theme of the party.  No thanks.

And hubby’s back is hurting him a lot today – probably because of this snowy weather.  So he has been kinda grumpy.  He did tell me that it hurts and that’s why he’s being grumpy.  That’s amazing for him to acknowledge that.  Usually he would just be a bear and I’d ask about his back or something and he would yell at me and we’d have a nasty fight.  What a difference a month makes.

He truly seemed shocked that day when I told him I didn’t want to live with him anymore. It wasn’t a fight, it was just a fact.  I could not stand to live in the same house as him anymore.  And I told him that while I was in the shower Christmas morning I was bawling my head off and just wanted to scream that I wanted a divorce and the only reason I didn’t was so that Christmas would not suck for our kids.  That seemed to hit him more than when I told him I was thinking about the D word.   He was shocked.  He had no idea I was THAT miserable.  Guess it seemed more real.  It isn’t awesome around here yet.  But it is not horrible anymore either.  We are really doing better.  I can honestly say I am glad he did not leave that day.

Oh!  And the other day we actually had a conversation about Christmas day and how he refused to say thanks for the camera.  I said what was the deal with that?  Why was it so hard for you??  He said I don’t know.  I said we are gonna practice –  I’m gonna wrap things up and keep giving you gifts until you get better at it!  He laughed.  I have not done that yet.  Forgot about it until now actually.   Hmmm.  I have a snickers bar I could wrap up.   His favorite :)  I’ll keep you posted.

Anyway, The quote at the top of the post seems to fit this day.

Judgmental Sister, Grumpy Hubby & Codependent Me.

(Yep, still working my way thru that book.)

THANK YOU LORD for Progress!

Codependents & The Divorce Rate

I  think there would be a higher divorce rate in this country if it weren’t for us codependents.

Truly.  We stick around when others would not have.

Reading ‘Codependent No More‘ . . . .

I said the D word out loud – part 2.

I said the D word out loud.  And we are still here.

What I said: I am miserable.  I don’t like how you treat me.  I want to be married to someone who likes me.  I want to be married to a person who is happy.  I am really thinking that maybe we should just get a divorce.
Or something like that – it was actually much longer and I was crying as soon as the words came out of my mouth.

What I wanted: In my dreams, he says ” Oh no honey, I love you so much!  I am so sorry!  I’ll do whatever it takes to make this work!”   I wanted him to finally understand how serious I am about this and how truly unhappy I have been in this marriage.  I wanted him to want to work on our marriage with me.
Yea, right.

What I thought he would do: He would get angry.  He would go straight into jerk mode and tell me to just get out.  And say that he will fight me for the kids and tell me how horrible a wife and mother I am.  He would yell and scream and throw away my stuff.
I was ready for the worst.  I didn’t want to face this, but I could not live this way any longer.

What he did: At first he just looked annoyed.  Then he figured out I was serious.  I even told him what I expected him to do but that I didn’t care cuz something had to give.  He said something to the effect that he still didn’t even see what the problem was.  He was just fine.  I said It’s not all about you!  No wonder you’re happy!  I have been trying everything I can think of to make you happy and to make this work!  What have YOU tried?  What do you ever do for me??  I am miserable and I have been telling you that for a very long time!  So then we calmed down a little and did the whole  Do you want to stay together?  Do you love me?  Do you want to get divorced?  Do you think we can really make each other happy? thing.  He kept saying yes we can make it.  Yes he loves me.  We are just very different people, so it’s hard.

He was sweet.  He was loving.  He got it.  He finally heard me. He did care.  He does want to make it right.  He will try.  He will work on our marriage with me. 

Is that your final answer?

So should we stay together?
He said yes.  I asked him if he was sure way too many times.

I said yes BUT…
Sorry to say my answer was not a yes or no.  It was conditional.  I said I would love it if we could make this work BUT I did not want to live the rest of my life this way so even though I don’t WANT a divorce, things have to change or I’m not staying.

I didn’t say it like I was giving him an ultimatum.  I was just giving him the facts.  Sad, sad facts.

So, I said the D word out loud and we are still here.

I’m sure the struggle isn’t over.  I’m sure we won’t have a fairy-tale marriage overnight.

But I pray, oh , how I pray, that he will be there for me this time.

I said the D word out loud.

I really did.  It was the first time I have ever told him that I have been thinking a lot about divorce.

Ugh.  The dreaded D word.

We promised each other a long time ago that we would never even bring that up – that we would work through stuff.  That we would make it forever.  We meant it.  I meant it.  Well, like I said, that was a long time ago.  About 15 years ago actually.

If you have been here with me for a while, you know that we have been struggling.  I can honestly tell you I didn’t throw it out there recklessly.  I thought and thought about this long and hard.  It has been eating away at me – probably for a good year.  (And life wasn’t all peachy before that)   Just wondering if it would be better.  Wondering if that would be best for both of us.  Screaming it inside while smiling on the outside.

We keep having “talks” which often turn into fights.  I keep telling him that I am not happy.  I didn’t used to do that .  I think I have tried EVERYTHING to make him happy.  Tried the ‘submit to your man even when he is an ass’ stuff.  Tried the ‘ignore your man and live your own life when he is an ass’ stuff.  Tried everything in between.  I read a lot.  I have read tons of books trying to figure out how to fix my marriage.  I have tried and tried and tried.  And now I am tired. So for the last year I have been telling him the things I am not happy about.  I have been telling him how lonely I feel.  How I feel like we are on opposite sides, not working as a team at all on this parenting thing.   It’s me vs. him everyday.  I just kept telling him.  Not daily mind you.  But often.  When I couldn’t stand it anymore.  Our marriage – It isn’t all bad, but it isn’t very good at all either.

So I said the D word out loud.

I said it yesterday.  He was being just rude and wouldn’t even answer me when I talked to him.  I told him I wanted to talk to him without the kids hearing us and would he go for a walk with me?  No.  How about out to the car?  No.  I went away from him for a while.  I came back and said that I wanted to talk to him and it was important.  He said no, he wasn’t going anywhere.  Well this was no conversation to have in front of the kids.  So yes, I got mad and said something to him about how he likes to act like I’m just a fool that he can’t be bothered with but I was serious and I needed to talk to him.  He grumped and groaned and we went to the basement.

The kids probably heard part of the conversation.  Probably near the end of it.  At first the TV was on loud, when I came back upstairs after we talked, they were sitting at the table looking at sale flyers dreaming about Christmas.  Ahh, I wish my dreams were filled with Christmas….

Blog Stats

  • 64,707 hits
This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.