Anger, Heartache, Relief and Confusion

I almost ended my marriage Sunday evening.

I friggin hate this.

Saturday he ignored me most of the day.   He didn’t talk to me until we had been elbow deep in tomatoes for about 2 hours.  Seriously.  Imagine canning tomatoes in silence. I’m not sure exactly why but I’m guessing it’s because I didn’t do what he wanted on Friday.  We were supposed to can tomatoes Friday evening.  He was out playing with his tractors most of the night though and didn’t come in until 9pm.  He wanted to start them then.  I said I wasn’t staying up all night canning so I wasn’t going to do that.  I told him if he wanted to juice them, go ahead but I wouldn’t be canning them until Saturday morning. He seemed alright about it at the time but who knows.  Whatever.

Then Sunday he barely spoke to me all day again.  It just pissed me off.  And you all know I’ve already been mad and ready to tell him off so I did.  I went to the basement and told him about how things like that tractor show breakfast and the birthday picnic ticked me off cuz he was so obnoxious.  And then the fact that he decided to ignore me all weekend didn’t help matters.  AND he hasn’t even slept in the same bed as me for a few weeks!  I’m tired of being ignored.  I’m tired of putting up with his rudeness.  He just acts mean and hateful towards people and I hate that.  I wanted to give him an ultimatum but was having trouble putting it into words.

I did tell him (again!) that I am not happy.  That I need more from him.  That I don’t like being around him when he switches over to jerk mode and that there is no way I’m sticking around if that’s the way it’s gonna be.  Yea, that was the wimpy way to tell him….

And guess what?  He seemed OK with us splitting and he said that maybe that is the only way for us to be happy.   So we wouldn’t have to keep having these same arguments.  He has no intention of changing because he doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong.  And if I am that miserable, which he doesn’t understand, then maybe I should just do what I need to do to take care of me. He wasn’t being sassy or mean.  It was a pretty raw conversation.

And that scared the hell out of me.

When he left for work that night – it was up in the air.  He didn’t know if he wanted to keep trying or if it was time for us to move on.  I told him I felt the same.  My heart was screaming no, but my head was wondering if that is truly the best solution in the long run – even though it will hurt like crazy for a while.

Needless to say I didn’t sleep at all that night.

I read back over the things I have typed here, trying to put it all into perspective.  It looks bad all typed out.  I know that.  It’s hard to deny the facts when its out there like that.  And that is one of the reason I do this.

But see here is the thing.  I really don’t want to leave my marriage.  I just want him to knock his shit off!  (I can just hear you guys laughing hysterically at me for saying that… don’t worry, I’m laughing at myself too.)

We had it good.  For a pretty long time actually.  And this jerk that I’ve seen more and more of the past few years – I don’t accept that this is who he is now.  Yes.  it’s called denial.  But I know there is more to him.  I’ve seen it.  I’ve felt it.  I was the recipient of his unselfish love for a lot of years.

I hate that he is angry at the world now.  It is ugly.  I really really hate it.  If I met him now for the first time, I wouldn’t like him at all.  That is the truth.  That isn’t the case though.  I’ve known this man since I was 16 and he was 17.  I know there is so much more to him.  And I still see it some days.  He is still in there.  I don’t want to walk away and not be here when he comes back.

A thought popped into my head and it really irked me… what if we split – then he gets a big slap in the face cuz life has a way of doing that to you – and he decides being angry isn’t working and comes out of his darkness.  Then he meets another woman.  Guess what?  She gets the good parts of him.  NO!  That is not cool.  I had the good parts and I want them back.  If I knew he was gonna stay an angry man for the rest of his life, I think I could walk away.  But I don’t know that.

I have gone through postpartum depression.  I have been HORRIBLE to live with.  When I finally went to the doctor I told him I was lucky to still have a husband and I needed help before I drove him away.  I am still embarrassed when I think back and remember what a raving lunatic I was.  I went through that after both my 2nd and 3rd babies.  There  were a lot of ups and downs those years and he stood by me.

I don’t know.  Maybe I need to stand by my man.  No, that doesn’t mean I accept his behavior.  It doesn’t mean I become a doormat and just quietly wait it out.

Maybe it means that I stand strong and weather the storm with him.

I don’t know if I even agree with or believe the words I am typing right now.

Oh and we talked a little bit Monday morning before he went to sleep.  He said “We have to make this work don’t we?  Especially for our kids.”

I was so relieved to hear that – you have no idea.

I know that I don’t want to walk away if there is a chance that I will get the love of my life back.   I also know that I need to put a stop to the crap that is destroying my soul.

But for now, as always happens, I have to let this go and get back to life.  Kids will be home from school soon.  I need to get supper started.   Kid2 has a basketball game, Kid1 has a volleyball game that my mom is supposed to come to again.  It is also open house night at the grade school so I get to go meet Kid3’s teacher and see his classroom.

And life goes on despite all the crap that swirls around in my head.

I think we are headed in the right direction.

It has been one month today since I wrote about my life being a big contradiction.

Things are going well and improving at my house.

I have not written anything about hubby being a horrible human being since then.  Ha!  And not because I was holding back.  Amazingly I have not been very upset with him lately.  Well, unless you count yesterday when…..  nevermind.  lol   He seems to like me better too.

There have been many times during the past few years when we were genuinely happy with each other.  Some sunny moments among the storm clouds.  It still amazes me that those moments existed in the middle of so much anger.  And that is what kept us hanging on I am sure.  I have been thinking a lot about those sunny moments.  There have been quite a few.  I want to blog about them and remember them….  I’ll have to do that soon.

Our marriage has been very difficult for a long time.  I really can’t pinpoint a specific date that it all went to hell.  Our relationship has never been “easy.”  Never.  But it had slowly gotten worse.  And then I guess I reached my breaking point.

Things will get worse before they get better.”

And that is what happened when I decided enough was enough.  That’s pretty much around the time that I started this blog.  I had so much pent up anger and feelings that I needed to find an outlet for.  This has been awesome therapy!

I pray every day that hubby & I can continue on this path.  There have been many times in this past year when I thought divorce was the only answer.   Yet, I could never quite completely convince myself of that.  I am glad for that now.  I am also very wary of this progress.  It is hard to trust that hubby will continue to work on our marriage with me.  There have been many false starts before.

We are still very different people.  We have different goals and different ideals.

But for now, we are trudging along and we seem to be getting somewhere.

Yes, we are headed in the right direction.

Imagined Anger

I am angry at my hubby for something he never even did.

People have always told me I am creative and have a good imagination.  Well, add that to overactive hormones and being an “emotional” person – not a good combination.  I often imagine scenarios in my head.  I’m sure other lots of people do that right? Anyway, I am pissed at him for something I imagined him doing.  He never did it.  I know I am nuts.

This weekend the baseball games started.  My son’s team won and we immediately heard complaints about the team being “stacked.”  Ugh.  There was so much drama last year because of that.  And to be honest, we had an awesome team last year.  Better than the other little league teams we played.  We kicked butt.  It probably was “stacked”.  This year though, no way.  Coaches pitch in this league.  These are little kids.  The kid that plays at the pitchers mound is awesome.  Let’s call him Greg.   My son plays first.  Those two have a good rhythm.   Tiny little boys barely hit the ball, Greg runs and gets it and throws it to first.  Greg has great aim.  My son can catch.  Out.  Out.  Out.  This equals angry parents.  lol  Not that it really matters either.  They still go through the entire batting order.  Outs don’t even count.  The score isn’t even officially kept.  We all know the score, but it is not official, and it is not up on the score board.  (Oh – and my son hit a triple!  Yay!  His best hit ever!)

Anyway, hubby got ticked when he heard one parent in particular complaining about the team being stacked.  She is just annoying anyway.  It bugged him a lot.  Last night he told me I should get on facebook and post something about the teams not being stacked and how the parents are bad sports and they just need to get over it.  He was angry.  He said they were lucky he wasn’t on facebook.  Ha.  He has always hated facebook.  Well, obviously I did not post anything.

So this morning while I was on the treadmill (4 days in a row thank you very much!) I was listening to my ipod like usual.  But apparently I need some new songs cuz my mind wandered to this whole thing where I imagined that my hubby logged into my facebook account.  And of course posted nasty stuff about this lady, using nasty words and just being hateful.  In my imagined story, I found out when my sister called me to find out what my problem was.  Of course hubby and I had it out and I then posted on facebook that my account had been hacked by an angry person.  And that yes, we were divorcing. And that I had not intended to announce it to the world this way, but of course I never expected him to use my fb account to spew his hatred to the world either.  End of the imagined story.

And now I am mad at him!

I need a shrink.  They would dissect this for me.  They would probably tell me I don’t trust him to stay nice.  They would probably tell me that I worry about how his anger reflects on me.  They would probably tell me that I still fully expect my marriage to end in divorce.

He accepts me the way I am. pppffffft!

Last night I told him about the fact that I have been asking him not to swear for 13 years.  And I told him I would have listened to him if it had been reversed.   His response?  “I accepted you the way you are, I wouldn’t do that to you.”

I think that was supposed to be a slap in the face to me.  Like he was better than me for not being petty or something.  Well, if I had been cursing like a sailor in front of my kids for 13 years….  I really doubt he would never have said anything.  I said I was “pissed off” in front of his dad one time and later I heard about it from him – he couldn’t believe I would talk like that in front of his dad.  Huh?

Whatever.

Also during this conversation, which was taking place about 2am…. I said, “Do you think we’re gonna last?”  He said “Guess we’ll have to just wait and see.”   Well at least we are thinking the same about this situation.  I didn’t say much to that.  What would I say.  I wanted to say that I can’t believe we’ve lasted as long as we have.  I wanted to say “Would you just please leave!?!?!?”  I didn’t say anything.

Apparently that got to him and soon after that he started going off about how if I’m gonna ask him “shit like that” then I should expect a “bullshit answer”.  He said of course we are gonna make it, we’ve made it this far haven’t we?  He was mad, saying I was trying to “start something”.

Yea, sure.  That was my plan.  I really want to have another fight with you.  It never even occurs to him that my plan may actually be to SAVE this marriage.  I want him to get it and I want him to make it a priority.  I want him to care and I want him to just BE NICE.  And yea, I think we need to talk about it.

After I went to bed (alone again) last night all I could think about was how we can just end this and get on with our lives.  Today I can’t stop thinking about it.  I am just so tired of the crap.

Right now my mind is spinning.  I can’t remember where I read it, but the book said that after you have made the decision that you want out of your marriage, give it one year.  The hope is that you will have worked things out during that year.  If that doesn’t happen, at least you will be sure and you will be more prepared to make the change.  I count Dec 27th 2010 as the day I finally made that decision.

Codependents & The Divorce Rate

I  think there would be a higher divorce rate in this country if it weren’t for us codependents.

Truly.  We stick around when others would not have.

Reading ‘Codependent No More‘ . . . .

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.