My Marriage is Good & Other Random Updates

Hi.  It’s been a while.  Just the usual busyness of life.  Funny how the blog posts still play in my head though.  I have all sorts of thing to say when I’m in the middle of other things and no time to type.  Then I come here and don’t remember what I wanted to say… lol

I set the time for an hour and gave myself permission to update my blog instead of working or cleaning :)

Let’s see… Marriage – Really good.  Amazing.  So awesome that I can say my marriage is good!  Yay!  I believe he has turned a corner and is truly coming out of the fog of anger and misery that he has been living in the past few years.  He laughs a lot now.  And smiles.

THANK YOU LORD!

I’m still getting used to it.  I’m still trying to let my guard down and trust him again.  I am constantly waiting for a negative reaction from him.  I still expect him to blow up over all sorts of stupid things.  He keeps proving me wrong and amazing me.  I think the kids are feeling the same , someone says or does something that used to fire him up in a ridiculous, completely unnecessary way – and we all kind of just wait and maybe look at each other with an “Oh no” type of look… and then he handles it like a normal person.  And then we all breathe a silent sigh of relief and life goes on.

I feel like I can say whatever I want to now.  Well not ANYTHING – I still try to be tactful and I am working my way up to some things…. one step at a time right!?

I point things out to him all the time though.  I’m not trying to nag him – I just want him to see things in a different way.  I want him to see how the rest of us look at the things that he gets ticked off about.  This past weekend – several times he yelled “You people!”  like he was disgusted about something we’d all done.   One was about the dishwasher, the other was about a clogged toilet.   So on Sunday morning while we were drinking coffee and gabbing, I said “Think you can get through the day without yelling “You people!” at us?”  I said it with a smile and in a relaxed way so he wouldn’t feel attacked and we wouldn’t have to get in a fight about it.  He said he just says that cuz he doesn’t know who did it and he’s talking to all of us.  I said yelling you people and storming away doesn’t do anything except make us wonder what hes ticked off  about now. He said he wasn’t ticked off. He just wanted people to know … blah blah blah.  I think the rest of the story is irrelevant.  The point is that we talk about this stuff now.  We talk TO each other now.  I call him on his crappy behavior.  And don’t worry he calls me on mine – he always has.  lol  But now he does it in a nicer way.

We have been watching American idol together as a family the way we used to.  Sounds corny I guess but there are so few things on TV that we all want to watch.   Not all of the kids are always there but whoever is home comes to the living room and we hangout and watch and laugh and talk at commercials :)  At first he made a comment about not liking Harry.  I said why?? cuz he’s a hottie??  He just looked at me and frowned.   Well he’s changed his mind and thinks he’s hilarious now.  But compare this to when the guy at the grocery store told me I have beautiful eyes and hubby sulked and was a jerk for days…. I called another guy a hottie TO HIS FACE and all he did was frown!

Don’t want this to get real long and hard to read.  I have a bunch of draft posts that I started and plan to look through here now and post or trash them.  Things are going to be all out of order.  And probably contradictory too.    Yes, my marriage is pretty good.  Better than its been in a lot of years.  That being said, he still pisses me off.  ha  Some days he still does some really jerky things.  I’m not saying its all fixed.  I’m saying it is SSSOOOOO much better.

I apologize in advance for the randomness of my updates, if I stress about doing this “right” I wont do it and then I’ll get further behind.  This blog is my place to vent, not a place that should stress me out about not doing it right, all in order etc.  Just saying. Ok.  Bye!

I Want to Learn To Dance

I have always admired people who can dance.  I LOVE musicals (movies) and performances.  Love it.  The only dancing I have done is at teen dances in high school and when I took ballet and tap for a year or 2 when I was little.  That’s it.

It’s been nagging at me lately.  OK, it’s been nagging at me ever since I decided to make my life better.  The majority of those “making my life better” changes though have been directed towards my marriage.  In the process, I have become more aware of what I have not been doing for myself.  If asked what I like to do or what my favorite hobbies are – I stare blankly and cannot think of a thing.  Happily, it has been books or websites asking me those questions and not actual people :)

So I’ve been thinking about it.  (It’s amazing what you have room in your mind for when you are not constantly worrying about how your hubby might treat you today or what kind of mood he will be in!)

I like to go geocaching, I like taking walks in the woods.   I used to enjoy crafty things too – but I think more as something to do with my kids and when I was a Girl Scout leader.  I enjoy decoupaging stuff too.  I think I might enjoy scrapbooking if I had the time/energy and could even find all my photos in the mess that is my life.

I like organizing things.  That is a work in progress for me and there is a long road ahead.  I used to be SO organized!  Seriously.  When marriage crap takes over your life there is no end to the amount of damage it causes!  I am embarrassed and tormented by the lack of organization and the mess of clutter in my life right now!  I was just too overwhelmed emotionally to deal with it or care I guess.  I cared when I felt guilty about it but not enough to put any energy into it apparently.  I’m working on that.

And then I thought of dancing.  But I am not a dancer!  What??   But I am in awe of people who can.  So why can’t I do that?

I thought of a friend of mine who took up running because her son joined the track team and she didn’t want him running on the trails alone.  Now she loves it and runs almost everyday of her life – with or without him.  And she is one of the track team coaches.  You go girl!

I’m 42, not too old to learn to dance.  God willing, I still have half of my life ahead of me. Why don’t I fill that time with something I love?  I wonder if I WILL love it.  Maybe I will find out that I like watching people dance better than I like actually dancing.  Well that would be ok too wouldn’t it?

I have absolutely no desire to dance in any formal way.  I just want to have fun and move and not feel stupid.  I want to look good and feel good when I’m dancing.  I think I’d be quite proud of myself if I could pull off some kind of dance routine in my own living room.  My sister and I used to do that when we were kids.  We made up all sorts of dance routines and put on shows for our friends.  Ha.  Perhaps I’m too old for that, but it still makes me smile when I think about it.  And when I hear a song we used, it really brings back memories!  Good ones.  Flight of the Bumblebee.  LOL  Seriously.  yes, classical music.  That music was awesome to dance to!

Forget ballroom dancing or ballet and all that.  I just want simple dances I can learn that I can have fun with.  I looked on amazon and there are a lot of different ‘learn to dance’ DVDs.  There are so many mixed reviews tho so I couldn’t decide which to buy.  Then I just googled it and found some neat ones on youtube.

So this morning I learned a quick dance from a video by Benjamin Allen.  Check it out.  It’s aimed at kids…. just my speed!  LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJ8iUKTUl-s&list=WLue1yQw3hu3csZpClVsZ2_qC0UPAY_XXR

I keep getting up from my office chair, standing here at my desk and doing the moves.  Ha.

I’m having fun already :D

Let go and Be Happy

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Homemade Shamrock Shake

Last night I went through McDonald’s drive through at midnight and bought myself a shamrock shake!  Love them.  It was a very rare occasion, my sister and I made a midnight Wal-mart run.  Mainly we went so we could gab, and buy some fruit.  lol  Anyway it was nice to hang out.  It took us about 3.5 hours to do this.  Ha ha.  It’s hard to shop while you’re talking a mile a minute trying to catch up.  We sat in the parking lot  laughing and talking for most of the time.  It was so much fun.  It’s amazing how much better life seems after some girl time. :)

Found a recipe online for a homemade shamrock shake.  Going to try it today!  (Not helpful with my diet now is it??)  Good thing is that there are 5 of us in the house.  I’ll make a blender full and it will be gone quick.  No worries about me having too much!  lol

Homemade Shamrock Shake

3 cups vanilla ice cream
1 3/4 cups 1% milk
1/2 teaspoon peppermint extract
Green food coloring, if desired
Blend until thick and serve.

Yum!

https://i0.wp.com/www.mcdonalds.com/content/dam/McDonalds/callouts/Shamrock-callout.jpg
Image Source: http://www.mcdonalds.com

I’m tired of pretending to be happy.

That’s all.

Back to The Real World

We are back from vacation.  Feeling rested and renewed.  THANK YOU LORD!

(Too bad we all brought colds home with us! )

Not fun to be back into the routine already, but it is what it is and I plan to do better!  I am determined to manage my time better, get more sleep, exercise more, eat better, etc.

Funny how going on vacation kind of has the same effect as a new year.  You have  a new perspective, you re-assess your goals and feel like you are making a fresh start :)

Below is a link to an interesting infographic I came across this morning while catching up on my email.  It’s called “How Social Media Distracts You at Work”.  The problem is that part of my job involves managing social media accounts for clients.  This becomes a problem because then my own accounts are on my screen also.  (Facebook, twitter, pinterest, linked in, digg, etc!) And yes it is way too easy to get distracted by that!

I’ve read before about planning your social media times, like you check it 3 times/day or something.  And you set the times.  Or you plan to check it only after project X has been completed.  I definitely need to do something like this and be more productive!

http://mashable.com/2012/09/24/social-media-work-distractions/

My Life is My Responsibility

It’s been a busy busy week.  I saw this today and wanted to remember it and share it here quickly :)

Just a reminder that I am responsible for my own life, I have choices even when it doesn’t feel like it.

It is ultimately up to me.

Well I guess it is really up to God.  I just need to cooperate :)

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. “
-Jeremiah 29:11

Peace & Quiet

Today is one of those rare days that happens once every month or so.  Hubby is at an auction, kids are all at school and I have the house to myself.

Ahhhh.  Peace & Quiet  :)

I had an appointment scheduled with the guidance counselor to discuss Kid1’s classes for next year.  Apparently this is something you do before 9th grade.  The appointment was at 10am.  I even took my ativan already so I’d be prepared.

Guess what?!  I just called and changed it.  And not because I’m all anxious about it either! I am a little anxious (teacher conference panic attack flashback!)  – but that is not why.  I was sitting on the porch, sipping my one cup of coffee for the day, enjoying the sunshine and decided I was going to take a time out for me!  Yep, just for me.

SO I called the school and rescheduled it for tomorrow afternoon.  It’s very strange how very much this makes me smile!  lol

I do have a few must-do’s on my work schedule – so I plan to go get those done as quickly as possible, then have a nice long shower, and then maybe even sit on the porch and read a book on my new kindle.  Sounds like an awesome plan to me.

Image Source: http://tracys-trinkets-treasures.blogspot.com/2012_04_01_archive.html

Full Weekend: Party, Outlets, and Ativan

We went to my Mamaw’s 90th birthday party 2 weekends ago.  It was just my girls and I.  Hubby and Kid3 stayed home – it was the season opener for baseball.  And it was an 8:00 pm game so that didn’t work at all.  I think they should have come to see my grandmother instead but I knew that was not a battle I would win, so I let it go.

As for my anxiety…..the party went well.  Very well.   If you’ll recall, I was stressing about it a while ago.   I did take ativan.  But the whole thing was very laid back and casual so that really helped.

When we first arrived at the church social hall, this lady came running up to me and hugged me.  I had no idea who she was! lol  She didn’t seem to notice that at all though and introduced herself to my kids and told them she was my old Brownie leader.  Very cool!  We moved away from there right after I finished 4th grade.  It has been a long time.  She was so very sweet.  I must admit though that I still don’t remember her at all!  I remember going to the girl scout meetings.  I remember some of the activities we did and places we went, but I don’t remember my leaders really at all.  :(  I remember a great cake decorating contest – with the dads!  lol

Usually when we visit the relatives, we drive 3 hours, hang out a while, eat too much, then drive 3 hours home.  I decided to make it more fun.  And YES, I was needing a time out in my life.  So we stayed overnight at a hotel and went to the outlets the next day.

By the time we got to the hotel that night I felt so __________, it was amazing.  I don’t know what word to put there.  I felt alive!  It was great to break out of the usual routine.  It was great to get out and about and just relax and have fun.  It was great to see my wonderful family.  It was great to just do whatever we felt like doing!

The outlets were fun.  Girl bonding time and lots of shopping.  They had not been to the outlets before so they were thrilled.  Kid2 kept asking “What are the outlets again?”  ha  She is my shopper so this was a dream come true for her.

We never do stuff like this so it was a real treat!  And we spent less than $100.  :)  They found a great clearance rack at Claires and spent most of their money on earrings.  We mainly just had fun browsing the stores and seeing new sights.

I took ativan before heading to the outlets too.  I was nervous, but excited.  Once upon a time I couldn’t even go into a store to buy a gallon of milk.  Truly, there were a few months like that.  It’s good for me to remember that – and to remember how far I’ve come.  I had no problems with anxiety or panic attacks at all at the outlets.  THANK YOU LORD.

The trip was a success in the panic attack prevention plan.  Ha!  It was a great confidence builder and I really needed that.  There are tons of school events coming up and I know they won’t be easy – but hopefully this will help.

The BEST Kind of Weekend


Lots of Happy Kids 4-Wheelin’

K’Nex Everywhere!

See the beach chairs and umbrella?  My kids love the beach as much as I do!

K’Nex garages for their very cool cars!

My latest craft idea – a decoupaged table for the porch.  We’ll see :)

THANK YOU LORD

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.