What I Want

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I want you to WANT to be happy.

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Anger, Heartache, Relief and Confusion

I almost ended my marriage Sunday evening.

I friggin hate this.

Saturday he ignored me most of the day.   He didn’t talk to me until we had been elbow deep in tomatoes for about 2 hours.  Seriously.  Imagine canning tomatoes in silence. I’m not sure exactly why but I’m guessing it’s because I didn’t do what he wanted on Friday.  We were supposed to can tomatoes Friday evening.  He was out playing with his tractors most of the night though and didn’t come in until 9pm.  He wanted to start them then.  I said I wasn’t staying up all night canning so I wasn’t going to do that.  I told him if he wanted to juice them, go ahead but I wouldn’t be canning them until Saturday morning. He seemed alright about it at the time but who knows.  Whatever.

Then Sunday he barely spoke to me all day again.  It just pissed me off.  And you all know I’ve already been mad and ready to tell him off so I did.  I went to the basement and told him about how things like that tractor show breakfast and the birthday picnic ticked me off cuz he was so obnoxious.  And then the fact that he decided to ignore me all weekend didn’t help matters.  AND he hasn’t even slept in the same bed as me for a few weeks!  I’m tired of being ignored.  I’m tired of putting up with his rudeness.  He just acts mean and hateful towards people and I hate that.  I wanted to give him an ultimatum but was having trouble putting it into words.

I did tell him (again!) that I am not happy.  That I need more from him.  That I don’t like being around him when he switches over to jerk mode and that there is no way I’m sticking around if that’s the way it’s gonna be.  Yea, that was the wimpy way to tell him….

And guess what?  He seemed OK with us splitting and he said that maybe that is the only way for us to be happy.   So we wouldn’t have to keep having these same arguments.  He has no intention of changing because he doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong.  And if I am that miserable, which he doesn’t understand, then maybe I should just do what I need to do to take care of me. He wasn’t being sassy or mean.  It was a pretty raw conversation.

And that scared the hell out of me.

When he left for work that night – it was up in the air.  He didn’t know if he wanted to keep trying or if it was time for us to move on.  I told him I felt the same.  My heart was screaming no, but my head was wondering if that is truly the best solution in the long run – even though it will hurt like crazy for a while.

Needless to say I didn’t sleep at all that night.

I read back over the things I have typed here, trying to put it all into perspective.  It looks bad all typed out.  I know that.  It’s hard to deny the facts when its out there like that.  And that is one of the reason I do this.

But see here is the thing.  I really don’t want to leave my marriage.  I just want him to knock his shit off!  (I can just hear you guys laughing hysterically at me for saying that… don’t worry, I’m laughing at myself too.)

We had it good.  For a pretty long time actually.  And this jerk that I’ve seen more and more of the past few years – I don’t accept that this is who he is now.  Yes.  it’s called denial.  But I know there is more to him.  I’ve seen it.  I’ve felt it.  I was the recipient of his unselfish love for a lot of years.

I hate that he is angry at the world now.  It is ugly.  I really really hate it.  If I met him now for the first time, I wouldn’t like him at all.  That is the truth.  That isn’t the case though.  I’ve known this man since I was 16 and he was 17.  I know there is so much more to him.  And I still see it some days.  He is still in there.  I don’t want to walk away and not be here when he comes back.

A thought popped into my head and it really irked me… what if we split – then he gets a big slap in the face cuz life has a way of doing that to you – and he decides being angry isn’t working and comes out of his darkness.  Then he meets another woman.  Guess what?  She gets the good parts of him.  NO!  That is not cool.  I had the good parts and I want them back.  If I knew he was gonna stay an angry man for the rest of his life, I think I could walk away.  But I don’t know that.

I have gone through postpartum depression.  I have been HORRIBLE to live with.  When I finally went to the doctor I told him I was lucky to still have a husband and I needed help before I drove him away.  I am still embarrassed when I think back and remember what a raving lunatic I was.  I went through that after both my 2nd and 3rd babies.  There  were a lot of ups and downs those years and he stood by me.

I don’t know.  Maybe I need to stand by my man.  No, that doesn’t mean I accept his behavior.  It doesn’t mean I become a doormat and just quietly wait it out.

Maybe it means that I stand strong and weather the storm with him.

I don’t know if I even agree with or believe the words I am typing right now.

Oh and we talked a little bit Monday morning before he went to sleep.  He said “We have to make this work don’t we?  Especially for our kids.”

I was so relieved to hear that – you have no idea.

I know that I don’t want to walk away if there is a chance that I will get the love of my life back.   I also know that I need to put a stop to the crap that is destroying my soul.

But for now, as always happens, I have to let this go and get back to life.  Kids will be home from school soon.  I need to get supper started.   Kid2 has a basketball game, Kid1 has a volleyball game that my mom is supposed to come to again.  It is also open house night at the grade school so I get to go meet Kid3’s teacher and see his classroom.

And life goes on despite all the crap that swirls around in my head.

It’s a Roller Coaster

Today hubby was very nice and very normal.  This is what throws me for such a loop!

Today after the kids all left on the bus for school, we drank coffee and gabbed.  Then he went to sleep and I got to work.

When he woke up, he worked on getting the heat turned on since the colder weather seems here to stay.  Then we packed some sandwiches etc and headed to the school.  We were getting Kid3 at the elementary school, feeding him a sandwich,  and walking down to Kid2’s Jr High basketball game.  Kid1 was meeting us there for a short while to get her supper and watch Kid2’s game until it was time for her to catch the bus for her away volleyball game.

He was a wonderfully supportive father, cheering her on and enjoying the game.  He helped Kid3 do his math during the game.  He sat behind me on the bleachers so I could lean back against him.  We looked like a married couple that likes each other.  Then we all went to the grocery store.  Then we came home and cooked and ate supper together.  We talked a bit more and helped Kid2 with her report on the Columbian Exchange.  Then hubby went to his mom’s house to move a desk or something she needed help with.  Now he’s back and he and kid3 are watching a football game together.

He was nice.  Pleasant.  Easy to talk to.  Fun, even. NORMAL.

Why can’t he always be normal?  Why does he flip into jerk mode and terrorize us all?

Is Your Husband Passive Agressive?

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From MayoClinic.com
Specific signs and symptoms of passive-aggressive behavior include:

  •     Resentment and opposition to the demands of others
  •     Complaining about feeling underappreciated or cheated
  •     Procrastination
  •     Stubbornness
  •     Inefficiency
  •     Memory lapses
  •     Sullenness
  •     Irritability
  •     Cynical or hostile attitude

From Wikipedia:

The book “Living with the Passive-aggressive Man” lists 11 observations that may help identify passive-aggressive behavior:[3]

  •     Ambiguity and cryptic speech: a means of creating a feeling of insecurity in others or of disguising one’s own insecurities;
  •     Intentional inefficiency, e.g. being late or forgetting things, as a way to exert control or to punish;
  •     Convenient forgetfulness: to win any argument with a dishonest denial of actual events;
  •     Cold shoulder response: withdrawing into long silences to avoid either confronting or connecting with others.
  •     Fear of competition;
  •     Fear of dependency;
  •     Fear of intimacy as a means to act out anger: the passive-aggressive often cannot trust; because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone;
  •     Making chaotic situations;
  •     Making excuses for non–performance in work teams;
  •     Obstructionism;
  •     Sulking;
  •     Victimization response: instead of recognizing one’s own weaknesses, tendency to blame others for own failures.

A passive-aggressive person may not display all of these behaviors.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

I looked for a basic list of passive aggressive behavior traits.  I visited many sites and noticed that the lists were never the same.  It seems every site has it’s own description.  It shows how complicated this issue is!

The link below is page after page of stories by real people answering the question:  “What Passive Aggressive Behaviors Have You Seen In Your Spouse?”

http://divorcesupport.about.com/u/ua/abusiverelationships/pass_agg_behaviors.12.htm

I feel sick in my stomach.

Hubby’s behavior is certainly not as extreme as in many of the stories.  Thank God for that.   But as I read through these, I can relate to so many of them.  My hubby is the king of holding grudges, he always looks for someone to blame – for everything.  He is NEVER wrong and withdrawals when anyone attempts to have a real conversation with him.  And he is so negative about everything!

What I really want to know is this:  How do I deal with this??

Here are a few more links to read about that.  I’m out of time right now, but will be reading these later!

4 Strategies to Effectively Confront Passive Aggressive Behavior in a Relationship

How to Deal with Passive Aggressive Behaviors

Dealing With And Understanding Passive Aggressive People

Please stop swearing at your spouse!

WordPress compiles blog stats at the end of each year.  Very interesting.

How to Get Your Husband to Stop Swearing

The top post in this past year is  about women wanting their husbands to stop swearing.  I have been so surprised by the number of people who end up here by googling about how to get their hubbies to stop swearing!  I am glad I’m not alone with this problem.

I’m not judging you if you swear.  I’m just saying that if your partner complains about it and has asked you to stop (for 13 years!) – then please stop.  I know it’s not a big deal to some people.  But it is to others.  And if you happen to live with a person that it bothers, for pete’s sake – STOP IT!

I’m not saying I never swear either.  I can easily go a whole day without using a curse word though.  Some people (my husband) can’t make it through a whole sentence.  I especially hate it when he does it in front of my kids.  I’m sorry but it just seems trashy to me when used constantly.

Certainly you are smart & creative enough to find some other words to use.

Alternative Language for Swear and Cuss Words

101 Great Cuss/Swear Word Alternatives

These are some of the search terms about swearing husbands that brought people to my blog.  Very sad actually.

how do i get my husband to stop swearing at me
swearing husband
how to get husband to stop swearing
how to get your husband to stop cursing
angry husband swearing
swearing in marriage
husband swears a lot
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why swear at spouse
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how can i get my partner to stop swearing at the kids
how to tell your spouse the cuss words have to stop

Letting Go Of Dreams

When I was growing up, I dreamed of the family I was going to have some day.  A lot.  I did not dream of a big fancy wedding, or being rich, or what kind of job I would have.  My dreams were always about having a happy home.  More than anything I wanted a happy, loving, peaceful home.  I wanted a home full of laughter and kindness.  I imagined my husband to be a strong but kind soul who loved the Lord.  I imagined the way this man would lead our family – with fairness and wisdom.  In my dreams my husband sat with his arm around me and smiled at me and looked at my face.  I imagined this man to be a great father to his children.  He enforced the rules, but did not yell.  He was understanding and patient.

When I read about – or see on TV or in a movie – a family where the dad leads family devotions at supper time…. I long for that!  To me, that is the perfect moment.  A man who loves the Lord will honor his wife and children.  He will respect them.  What more could a person ask for?

Obviously this dream came about because the home I grew up in was the opposite.  My parents did not show affection towards one another.  My dad was mean and my mom was afraid of him.  And we were afraid of him too – with good reason.   Those are the facts.  They fought all the time and if they weren’t fighting then my mom was running about trying to please him so he wouldn’t blow up.

I remember being very surprised when I saw a photo of my parents holding hands.  They had gone to Bermuda with another couple.  This was the only time I ever remember them going on a trip together.  My mom was showing us the pictures when they got back.  That picture is burned into my memory.  It was so rare.  I didn’t think it was wonderful.  I remember thinking it was odd and I wondered what was up.  That trip was actually near the end of their marriage.  I think perhaps it was a sort of last ditch effort to see if they could work it out.   They also bought me Fleagle on that trip.  Fleagle is a stuffed dog they gave me.  I still have him and he sits in the basket of books next to my bed.  He is so special because he was an unexpected gift.  My parents did not just give you things.  And it wasn’t because we couldn’t afford it.  We weren’t rich but we were ok.  Dad made us work for every little thing.  Even if we needed new sneakers because we had outgrown ours – or worn them out – we had to work for that money.  I’ve said it before – my parents never even bought me so much as a pencil for college. I worked several jobs at a time from the time I was old enough.  I went off on a tangent here – that is a whole different story.  :)

Anyway….

I’d say my marriage was very similar to that 2 years ago.  To a lesser degree though.  I have stepped out of that pattern now.  It has been rough.  There have been some tough days.  And there have been some amazing days.  We are still a work in progress.

Here is what is on my mind today…

How do you give up that dream?  I will not ever have that.  Ever.  This man has no interest in any of that and wouldn’t cooperate even if I tried.  And even if I divorced this man and was lucky enough to find a new love, that part of my life is over.  My kids are older now and by the time any of that would happen, it would be too late.  Those special family moments that I dreamed of are no longer a possibility.

It seems that I can’t go a whole month without these thoughts going through my head.  Thoughts like:
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with this man!  I refuse to put up with this crap forever.  How can I tell him to move out?  How horrible would it be for us to live apart?  Would the kids be ok?  Is this man worth all this heartache?  Would God really want me to stay in this marriage?  I just want to live in a home where I can be myself.  I cannot stand his moods and how he is so unpredictable.  You never know when he will blow.  This is not fair to me.  Why should I have to put up with this?  There is NO WAY I’m living with this man until I die.  What a waste that would be.  What if I stay with him and miss out on true happiness?

Now that I typed those out – it all looks very selfish on my part.  But isn’t it ok to be selfish when it comes to something like this?

So the questions I have now are:

How do I let go of that happy home dream?  And why should I have to?

If he truly loved me, wouldn’t he care how I feel and treat me better?  He wouldn’t glare at me and hold grudges for every little thing I did that he disagrees with.  (And trust me – there is no way I could keep up with that huge ever-changing list of things that I do that he disagrees with! I don’t even try anymore.)

If he truly loved me, wouldn’t he do the things that I tell him I NEED?  Just things like sharing a bed, and discussing parenting stuff so we are in this together, and attending family functions together.  Basic stuff!

Wouldn’t he care that I hate that he swears in every conversation he has? He knows I hate it.  He doesn’t care.  Let me tell you that really messes up my peaceful, loving Christian home dream!

It’s just that this life I’m living is so far off from what I dreamed of for my life!  Was all that just a silly dream that is completely unrealistic?  Just fantasy?  Some people have that though right?  How did they get it?  Do they deserve it more than me? Why do they get it and I don’t?

So what do I do now?  Make the best of the situation I’m in – is that all I get to do?  Why cant’ we just fix this marriage?!?  Why won’t that jerk cooperate??!?  :)

Maybe I have to change my dream.  Or at least let that one go.  I feel like I’ve tried that before though and I just can’t shake it.

Here’s the disclaimer.  It’s not that bad most days.  Today it is welling up inside of me so I am typing it out.  Truth be told there are more good days than bad lately and for that I am thankful.  Also, the man I fell in love with was most of those things I dreamed of.  Well, at least some of  those things.  He got off track somewhere along the way and I want him back.  I don’t know how to help him.  Or to help us.

His Own Enemy

I want a peaceful home. I deserve to live in a peaceful home. My kids deserve to live in a peaceful home. Hell even hubby deserves that. Yet he is the one that makes this impossible. He is his own enemy. He often feels like my enemy too.

“Not Quite 8 Hours a Day”

A conversation a few days ago:

Me: I’ve worked 52 hours in the last 7 days.

Hubby: If you think about it, that’s not quite 8 hours a day.

Me:  That really makes me want to flip you off.

Here’s the thing.  I work from home.  I log in and out all day long.  If I go pee, I log out.  If I make some tea, I log out.  If I get a personal phone call, I log out.  If someone knocks on my door, I log out.  I worked in an office for 8 years so I have something to compare this to.  Not trying to tick anyone off but think about it.  When I went to work everyday and hung out in my cubicle, I still got paid if I went to the bathroom or heated up my tea.  I got paid if I got a personal call at work.  I got paid for the chit-chat at the water cooler. I did not log out every time I left my desk.  Imagine how long people would have to be at work everyday if their 8 hours were required to be 8 very focused hours that included none of these things.

My point is that it takes me longer to log 8 actual hours of work.  AND when it is not the busy retail season, I usually work about 30 hours/week.

So this is a huge jump in hours for me.  Yay for the cash.  Boo for my aching butt sitting in this chair!  Boo for my kids not even bothering to look for me anymore cuz they already know where I am and that I ‘can’t talk right now’.  I have been feeling crazy and tired and very frazzled.  I was proud of those hours, and amazed at them, and irritated by them all at the same time.  I wanted him to say “Wow! You’ve been working hard! ”  Ha.  Never works out the way I imagine it.

So I left the room after that conversation because I was so tired I think I would have had a complete meltdown if the conversation had continued.

THE NEXT DAY… Hubby made supper.  It was a weird supper but he made it and I didn’t even ask him to.  That made it delicious.  THEN he had the kids empty the dishwasher and load it but said that he would WASH THE PANS.

What else?  I heard him out there delegating chores to the kids.  This is usually my job and I am the meanie who makes them clean things up.  He was doing it.  They were finishing homework, and taking out the trash, and putting stuff away.  And I didn’t have to say a word.  At one point I thought that I should probably go pitch in.  But I didn’t.  Ha.  It was awesome to listen to from another room.  And instead of hearing “But M-O-M its not my turn to put away the silverware! I did it last time!” they complained to him.  Loved it!  And they were amazed that HE was washing dishes.

Hubby is still helping out more. Not as much but some.  And when something needs to be done – it seems like he considers that it might actually be HIM who should do it instead of everything being up to me.  That’s awesome.

Kid2 mentioned it yesterday. “Mom!  Dad washed dishes.  Dad cooked.  Dad wrote the grocery list.  What is UP with him?”  lol

I’m sure it wont stay this way – but its nice now and I plan to enjoy it while it lasts.

He didn’t get the job.


He didn’t really expect to but I’m thankful he at least put a bid in for it.

He was stressing out about it after he did it though.  He was second guessing the whole thing.  What is this?  What if that?  He even said at one point he wished he could take his bid out – just in case.

I know change is hard. But sometimes change is GOOD!

Hopefully this will start to pave the way for him to at least consider job openings that come up on daylight.  Or he is so relieved that he will never do it again.  Ha.

We’ll see.

Pray really really really hard!

Please pray really really really hard!
Before hubby left for work tonight he said that he is going to put in a bid for a job on a different shift.  Daylight!

Please pray that he actually will do it.   (He’s said he would many times in the past, but changed his mind.)

Please pray that he will get the job. (There are a lot of guys that have seniority that will probably want it too.)

Please pray for me to not give up hope if he doesn’t.

See: Hubby works 3rd Shift.. and I hate it!

G’night!

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.