I Have Some Work To Do

I have some work to do.

My panic attacks are getting worse instead of better.  I need to focus on all the things I’ve done in the past to fight back.  I need to get back to being caffeine-free or at least limit my morning coffee to one cup.  I need to get more sleep.  I need to drink my Tulsi Tea. I need to exercise more regularly.  I need my daily dose of inspiration from Jill’s site.

The kids are out of school for the summer.  That is awesome.  It has also been stressful and chaotic.  I was not prepared with a summer plan.  Usually I at least try to come up with a new work schedule for me and we brain storm what we want to do and make a list etc.  That didn’t happen this year – I think because we went to the beach 3 days after school was out.  There are many things going on – many schedules to coordinate –  and I feel like we are just reacting to all of that instead of being intentional and making the most of our days.  I want to make this a happy, productive summer with my family!

My weight loss has been de-railed since we got back from the beach.  I am sitting on my butt at this desk working more, my exercise schedule doesn’t even exist anymore and we’ve been eating supper at the ball field way too often.  I need to take charge of this again quickly!

I’m hoping that by getting more organized, there will be less time where there are long amounts of time where the kids are plugged in for hours.  We need to set some limits for the electronics – otherwise they get so cranky!

Hubby has been terribly grumpy since we got back from vacation.  He isn’t adjusting to the kids being home well either.  That just means that he is not sleeping nearly enough!  So then he is grumpy and short tempered of course.

The kids are grumpy because of constantly changing schedules and never knowing what to expect.  And they have a major melt down when I ask them to help around the house.  Their friends apparently have total freedom in the summer and it is cruel and unusual punishment for me to ask them to fold some laundry.

So.  Here is the plan.  We will get through the weekend the best we can.  Too much craziness to even take the time to regroup.  And then on Monday I will take an hour or 2 and plan and get my act together.  Or maybe I will do that Sunday night if I have any energy left.

This post is the first step.  Blogging always helps me see everything more clearly!


(Pray for me please! Tonight I am working in the concession stand and my anxiety is on overload due to the wonderful timing of PMS!)


Parenting Fail

My parents failed in this area.

My kid’s parents are failing in this area.


This was not a family tradition I wanted to continue.  I have seen the results.  I am the result.  Low self-esteem, insecure, indecisive, codependent, the list goes on.  I need to fix this NOW.  How do I fix it?

Instagram: Busted

Kid2 asked me if she could set up an instagram account.  I said probably, but let me check it out first.

I created an account this morning and figured out that she already has an account!  She actually set it up the day before she asked.

So I posted this picture on instagram just for her….

My Busy Kids Update

School started Monday.  I am slowly slowly getting the house back in order and trying to find a routine that works again.

Kid3 was going to sign up for football but then changed his mind.  His chest is still giving him trouble where he got hit with that baseball in June!  Crazy.  It seems to get sore very quickly, like it is weak in that spot now.

Kid2 started Jr High which is really the same as high school in our very small town.  Same building although they do attempt to keep the older kids at the other end of the building.  She was extremely nervous but has since relaxed.  She has always been good at making friends so she settled right in.  She joined the marching band.  She plays the saxophone.  There were 2 weeks of band camp and she has already been in 2 parades.  Our first high school football game is tomorrow  night so that will be her first performance on the field.  She is not looking forward to that and keeps practicing her backwards marching that they do in one song that always messes her up  :)

Kid1 is now a freshman.  Crazy.  She is still in band.  She plays the clarinet.  The big news with her is that she joined the volleyball team!  Yay!!  You have no idea what a big deal this is!  As in getting her to take a walk around the block with me was torture for her!  She is still trying to lose weight and has not been very successful.  There is no way that she won’t lose weight now.  They have been practicing for 2.5 hours a night, 4 nights a week.  This is the 3rd week of that I think.  Games start next week.  I am SO proud of her.  When all her muscle are aching and it is hard for her to walk up the stairs she just says “It’s ok.  Volleyball is fun.”  YAY again!

Kid1 is behind on her volleyball skills.  She is very new at this and the rest of the team has gone to volleyball camps and most girls play basketball too so they are in shape.  She will be a bench warmer this season.  Her coach told her she will probably not get to play at all this year.  That is still ok.  I am more excited about the exercise she is getting than the sport.  Ha.  And she is having fun being a part of the team and I think she is proud of herself too.  I ranted a little about her uniforms over on Roots To Blossom blog but basically they are tight and skimpy and really not flattering at all.  Especially for the girls who are not skinny as toothpicks.  Kid1 has more confidence than I ever had and wears it anyway.  Doesn’t seem to bother her at all.  I’m glad.

Too Quiet

My kids went back to school today.  This makes me feel both happy :) and sad :(

I am hopeful that I will catch up on everything now that we will be back in some sort of routine.  Summer was fun and busy and often chaotic.  And it went too fast.  In that whirlwind, the paper piles and dust bunnies have multiplied.  No worries.  It is worth the extra time I got to spend with my kiddos.

I now have a 4th grader, a 7th grader, and a 9th grader.  There were some nerves this morning.  And Kid3 shed some tears last night.  It will work out though.  I’m praying Kid3 gets to hang out with his best buddy some today and that will make school more fun for him.

Hopefully I will be able to catch up with the blog world soon too.

It is very quiet here today!

Vacation: Slow Decompression

(Post Started 7/27/12)

I’ve been trying to relax and enjoy Florida.  It’s been harder than usual.  Certainly taking longer than normal for me to let go of the stress and relax and just BE.  That’s what I love the most about vacations.  You can just BE.  No work deadlines, no crazy kids schedules.

It took 2 days in the car to get here.  We stopped at a hotel the first night – after driving 14 hours.  We were all thrilled to get out of that car!

I spent the first 2 days in Florida feeling very out of sorts.  I needed this trip.  I was just exhausted from life in general.  I think my mind needed the break more than my body.

On day 2 my BFF text me and asked if we were having fun. The kids were.  I kinda was.  But mainly I was just pissed off.  The thought looping through my mind was “I wish I had a husband that wanted to come on vacation with me and the kids.  I wish I had a husband that wanted to participate in my life.”

He was face-timing the kids, not me.  (That’s video chatting in case you don’t know.)  And he was texting Kid1.  I was an after-thought in the conversations.

Let’s see – this trip began Thursday July 19th at midnight.  It wasn’t until Wednesday July 25th that my hubby gave any indication that he missed me.  I didn’t get to talk to him much that night cuz the kids were excitedly telling him all about the days events.

Later that night I text him and said “I Love u.”  That was around 10pm.  No response.

The next morning I saw a text from him that he sent around 1am (from work) that said “Love u 2.”

So I replied “U just made me smile :)”

He replied shortly after that “I like it when u smile :)”

YAY.  That short little sentence comforts my soul.

Yes, I really did take a screen shot of this on my ipod touch!   My 9 year old taught me how to do that.  Ha.

Let’s see what else?

I’ve been popping the ativan on this trip.  I’ve been dealing with quite a lot of anxiety of course.  New places, highway driving, L – O – N – G bridges, restaurants, waiting in lines, hanging out with my dad,  etc.  It’s been going pretty well, considering how it used to be for me!

Going to Florida

We are leaving for Florida Thursday at midnight – me & my kids :)

I wanted to just get the heck out of here and away from the responsibilities.  Away from anyone telling me what to do.  Away from opinionated people.  Away from difficult people.  Yes, dare I say it – away from my husband.  I love the man but he is exhausting.

Things have been better with hubby – or at least less confrontational than before….. When I first planned this trip I couldn’t wait to get out of here.  I needed a break and could not wait to escape the crap.  Now it’s calmer here and I am happy to go, but not feeling so desperate.

And now guess what?  My dad has decided he is coming too.  Did I mention that he is loud and opinionated.  And often difficult.  Wonderful.   Kinda defeats the purpose doesn’t it?

We are going to his condo in Florida.  It is a free vacation – in terms of lodging.  Originally he was not going to go. I am grateful for the use of his condo.  I am grateful to him.  Sorry to say I wish he wasn’t coming tho!   It’s his condo – obviously I can’t tell him not to come.  He is excited and looking forward to hanging out with his grandkids.  That’s wonderful.  It also means that I have to care what someone else thinks, what someone else wants to do.  I know that makes me sound like spoiled brat.  Think what you want.  I just want to be left alone.  To me, that’s what this vacation is about.

I have not said this to my BFF, her Dad died from cancer when she was in college.  She still has a very hard time with it – and Monday was the anniversary of his death.  She gets very upset when people who still have a dad do not appreciate them.  I get that.

Anyway, I am looking forward to having a break from life.  My kids love the beach as much as I do – the plan is to swim, play in the sand, hang out in the air conditioned condo, get in the hot tub at night…. bliss.  Wake up whenever we feel like it.  Go to bed whenever we feel like it.  DO WHATEVER WE FEEL LIKE.  We are still going to do those things.  But it will not be as care-free.  I have made it very clear to my dad that the purpose of this vacation is to just veg out and RELAX.  I hope he gets it.

(Wondering why I have to escape to Florida to do whatever I feel like doing?  Aren’t I an adult??  Hmmm.)

I will have to work some since we are planning to be gone for 12 days.  I bought a hotspot from datajack.com for the trip.  (Don’t have it yet – hope it works well!)  Hubby’s only opinion about the whole things has been that he would like us to avoid weekend driving.  I guess that makes it a safer trip in his mind.  He is probably right.  Well it will take us 2 days to drive there – so instead of cutting it short to avoid the weekends, we made it longer.

Now my Dad is insisting that we drive his car and hubby agrees.  It’s a nicer and newer.  Hubby is happy to not put all those miles on our van.  But to me, it’s just one more way that I have lost control of this vacation.  It is his car, that means I have to ask permission to drive it when we want to go somewhere.  It means we can’t just pick up and go if we have the urge – because maybe Dad is out and about already.  He lives there all winter and has a life and friends and other stuff going on – so it’s not like he’ll just be sitting home bored.  He’ll be using the car.  And it’s his car so whatever right?

The plan is for us all to drive back together also.  But then he says things like – “If I decide to stay longer I’ll just fly you guys home.”  That makes my stomach twist.  He has no idea that I have been fighting panic attacks.  He has no idea how terrifying that sounds to me.  He thinks that is awesome and that I should be thrilled that I don’t have to drive 20 hours.

My mind is taking me crazy places today.  I wish it wasn’t.  Am I control freak?   Maybe – I hate that I have lost control of this vacation.

And one more thing…. the last time we went to Florida, my BFF and our kids all went together – to my Dad’s condo for a week.  That was Feb 2009.  When we came home home my hubby was a new man.  He missed us very much and was the doting husband.  There were flowers waiting for me.  Seriously it was so wonderful.  It was excellent for our relationship.  He missed me  – he appreciated me – he drove me crazy actually.  lol  It was wonderfully sweet.  Do I expect  the same thing?  No.  Wouldn’t that be awesome though?  Of course!  It’s in the back of my head.  It will be a let down for sure when it doesn’t happen that way.  In our relationship “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” has always been true.  Always.  I’m not so sure about this time tough.  I think he wants a break from life as much as I do.  I doubt we will miss each other at all.

No, I will miss him.  I already do.  This is not going to be a big game-changer in our relationship though.  I need to get that in my head now.  I do not want to get my hopes up.  It would just hurt too much to be wrong again.

But wow – we really do need a game changer.  I want that in the worst way.  So as hard as I’ll try not to expect it, I will still hope for it.

Summer is going WAY too fast

Life has been busy as usual.  Summer is going WAY too fast.

I will probably babble way too much and this will be way too long.  It’s been way too long since I had a chance to type it all out. :)

Of course baseball has kept up moving with Kid3 on the allstars team.  It keeps us busy but is also lots of fun.
Kid3 is actually not playing at the moment.  Back on June 20th he got hit with a ball in the chest – off to the side.  That was healing up but then he hurt himself at home trying to be a He-Man by moving our very heavy firepit himself and I think he pulled a muscle on the same side?  I really don’t know – perhaps it was weak there because it was bruised already?  He had been having a hard time hitting at the games and striking out way more than normal.  He said it hurt to swing the bat.  Well with the tournaments – you have game after game after game.  During one game – the 4th in 3 days – he actually cried.  I didn’t know he was crying or I’d have gone to get him.  Crazy coach made him bat anyway – even though he told him his chest hurt – and he was crying.  Kid3 had already struck out 3 times that game, they were losing and it was the last inning.  He was a nervous wreck anyway.  He said the other team’s catcher was even saying to him “It’s OK batter, It’s OK.”  AWE!  I hope to see that team again soon and thank that little kid (or his mother) for being so kind!!!  ANYWAY…. he hit the ball, it hit the fence, he brought in 3 runs and they won the game – all in a matter of seconds.  So exciting!

I was not as excited when I found out he was hurting.  The next day I took him to the doctor who thought he must have a fractured rib.  He had a chest x-ray.  Nothing is broken or fractured thank heavens but he is not supposed to play until he is healed up, which just takes time and is a miserable thing for these boys to accept.  These boys = Kid3, hubby, crazy coach, teammates…..  seems the only people that agree with me that we should listen to the doctor are the moms!  Surprise, huh?  ha.

We hosted a 4th of July party – the weekend after the 4th with my side of the family.  It was awesome. I had so much fun and hope to do that more often.  My dad spent way too much on fireworks but we enjoyed them all.  We all hung out on our new porch, the kids jumped on the trampoline, we swam in Grammy’s pool, we roasted marshmallows at the firepit, we played frisbee with glow sticks in the dark , they caught lightning bugs, everyone stayed WAY too long and late.  Fun!  It was almost just how I pictured it with our new porch.  If we ever get the hot tub working it will be even better :)
Hubby complained about it beforehand and while setting up for it – but was on his best behavior during the party.  He was wonderful and participated in the conversations, cooked on the grill, and even played frisbee with the kids.  Yay :)

He did get terribly annoyed about the people constantly going in and out of the house since we had the air conditioning running.  (We just have window air conditioners.)  I kept telling him “Let it go please.”  Finally I think he did.  Or at least he quit glaring at me every time someone forgot to close the door.  All in all, it was a good night and he agreed we should do it again next year.

What else?  We have been trying to go on a day trip at least once a week.  Me & the kids.  We go to the lake or somewhere like that – fun and free – and hang out with the cousins all day.  Summer is going way too fast!  I am trying to work and not getting as much done as I like – but the kids still complain that mom always has to work.  Ugh.  That part sucks and yes it does seem like I am always in this office.  Yesterday I stayed home from the ballgames – planning to work ALL day.  Guess what – our internet went out – then it was on & off all afternoon.  I gave up and watched a movie.

Hubby came home after the first game – he had to work last night so he wouldn’t be able to stay for the whole second game anyway – the kids stayed there with Grammy & Pappy.  So we watched an adult movie together.  lol  Not an adult movie like that.  We watched “The Change Up.”  Wow.  Most movies I see are PG or PG-13.  Maybe this was R – it said NR though when I checked.  The F word and boobies and sex and oh my.  lol  Guess I’m so used to family movies these days – I was a bit shocked.   It was a nice break from our to-do list though.

It’s weird how much I used the phrase “way too” in this post.  It wasn’t planned and probably a bit annoying.  Guess what?  I’m way too tired to care.


Geocaching With My Kids :)

We went geocaching today :)

(I worked late tonight to catch up but it was worth it.)

If you look closely you can see my daughter way back in there – right in the middle of the picture.  The difficulty was listed as a 2! (Scale of 1-5)  I think not.  I expect a 2 to just be a little off the path, not way way back in the woods where there is absolutely no path and tons of poison ivy and I’ll bet you there were snakes in there!  Ha.  I was ready to give up but the kids were determined.  Kid1 found it and was ever so proud.  She finds most of them actually when we go – she’s very good at it!

Mom Guilt vs Work Guilt

I love that I can work from my home.  Love it.

I don’t love trying to work from home when my kids are here all day though.

Forget the fact that it is harder to stay focused and concentrate….  I’d rather be playing with my kids!

I have terrible mom guilt.

And it makes me grumpy.

When I’m grumpy I want to go exercise cuz I know I’ll feel better.  Hmmm..  geocaching is exercising – kids love geocaching… let’s go!

See how that works?

And then I have work guilt.



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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.