Gentleness is a sure Sign of a Man’s Strength

This hit me in the heart just now.

All of a sudden I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

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Source: FierceMarriage.com

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This is what I want my husband to understand more than anything in the world.

It is ok to let down your tough guy guard and just love me like crazy.

I want to fall in love again.

I watched Dirty Dancing last night.  It’s one of my favorite movies but I hadn’t watched it in years!

I want to fall in love again.

I love my husband.   It’s not the same thing though.

You know what I mean right?

I Remember Those Feelings

I’ve been watching ‘Friends’ reruns on tv – I should stop – watching Ross and Rachel fall in love (and make out!) is making me sad that that part of my life is over :(

I remember feeling all that.  My hubby and I felt all that.

I really really hope we can feel all that again some day.

His Wedding Ring

I put his wedding ring on his finger this morning.

He was laying on the couch watching the news.  I got the ring from his dresser, went to the living room, and put it on his finger.

Hubby:  “Really?”

Me:  “Yes.  It is a small change that will make a big difference.”

Hubby: “I’ll have to take it off before I go to work.”

Me:   “Yea and then you can put it back on after work.”

And that was that.  He wore it the rest of the day.

After dinner when we were the only two left sitting at the table I said “I hope you aren’t hating wearing that too much cuz it kinda makes me hot for ya.”

He thought that was hilarious.

He wore it to the baseball game tonight.

I really really loved seeing it on his hand.  I really really hope he puts it back on tomorrow.

Our 18th Anniversary

Saturday was our 18th wedding anniversary.

Things have definitely been better around here since I backed off and took a break from the drama with him.  More on that later.

Not too long ago I told hubby that I needed him to kinda make a big deal of special days like birthdays, mothers day, anniversaries etc.  I know that he knows that I need that.  I don’t think I ever said it to him in such a straight forward way before though.

“You know how I’ve told you that I need you to show me that you appreciate me?  Well I need it even more on days like mother’s day and anniversaries and birthdays and stuff.  I don’t need anything big.  You can get me flowers.  Or pick me flowers!  Or write me a note – it doesn’t even have to cost anything.  I don’t want a big expensive thing.  I just want to know you appreciate me.  I need you to celebrate those days.”

About Mother’s Day:

“But you aren’t my mother.”
“I’m the mother of your children.   That counts.”
“OK.”

On Wednesday hubby asked me if we were gonna do anything special for our anniversary. I asked him what he wanted to do.  He didn’t know.  I was thrilled that he was thinking about it.  I was thrilled that he even cared to bring it up!

We talked about going to dinner.  We figured out that we would be at a baseball game at 4:30 on Saturday.  Maybe the kids could go home from the game with Gram& Pap.  Maybe we could go out for breakfast instead…

Neither of those happened actually.  But it was still ok.  It was a nice day.  He acknowledged our anniversary and was not acting irritated by it.   He was sweet actually.  He was easy to get along with all day.  We had fun goofing off together at the baseball game.

After the game, he took the kids for ice cream.  I went to Walmart with our mammoth grocery list. When I got home from the store he quickly got all the kids to come help carry in groceries and HE HELPED TOO.   He has not done that in a very long time.  I am so used to him being irritated at the world that I just do all these things myself.  He helped carry bags in,  he helped put things away.  He didn’t comment rudely about anything I bought.  Nice.

And then later, when I was cleaning up the kitchen, I found a note on the counter. 

(He does know how to spell anniversary by the way.  He makes fun of my spelling when I text – I leave out the vowels in many words to make them shorter obviously.  That’s why he wrote it that way!  )

The note was a photocopy of a kindle with a note on the top of it.  I have been borrowing my sister’s kindle – trying to figure out if I really want one – and if I will really use it.

He said he noticed that I have been reading in bed again – like I used to do – and he wants to get me one.

The “Forever and Ever Amen” is what we used to say to each other all the time.  It is even  inscribed on the inside of his wedding band.

I haven’t heard those words in a very long time.

Oh – and I got him a peach pie.  His favorite.  Simple, but much appreciated.

Simple Moments

The kids were all in bed.

Hubby laid down on the living room floor to take a quick nap before work.  (The floor helps his back.)

I walked by and saw him there.  I had pangs of loneliness.

So I went and laid down beside him.  I cuddled up close.  I was relieved that  he returned the cuddle.

He said “No work?”  (Usually I work after the kids go to bed.)

I said “Yea, but I feel lonely.  I need some attention.”

He laughed.  He said “You know you just have to tell me what you need cuz I have no idea.”

It’s true.  He really has no idea.

I felt happy at the time.  As I’m typing this now, I’m thinking What?!? I keep telling you & telling you what I need!

We were quiet for a long time.  He rubbed my shoulder.  We talked about how many steps were in a mile and how many miles you’d have to go to hit the 10,000 steps goal.  I love feeling his strong arms around me.  I laid there with my head on his chest – watching it rise and fall with each breath, feeling his heart beat on the side of my face.  I felt safe.

I miss this man.  I miss moments like this.

I want every day, every moment to be this simple.

My Best Valentine’s Day Ever: Sixth Grade

Valentine’s Day

It’s a good day because it gets people in relationships to express their love to each other.

It’s an icky day cuz it is just a day of wishes, expectations, and disappointment.

I bought hubby some Valentine’s Day candy.  Hubby brought me some Valentine’s Day candy.  That was wonderful.  Funny how that should have been enough.  What more did I want?  I want him to look me in the eyes and sincerely say ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ or ‘I love you” or something.  Yea, Yea I know.  I should just shut up and be happy.  And it was an improvement over Valentine’s Day last year.

I’m a romantic at heart.  Hubby is not.  AT ALL.  I know this.  I have been married to this man for 17 years… I know this!  It still makes me a little sad.

And facebook does not help!  Everyone who had a great Vday feels the need to brag about it and post pics, and even engagement rings.  Yay them.

My BFFs hubby works out of town.  He left for the week on Monday morning.  Before he left, she gave him a Vday gift.  I forget what it was – some kind of electronic thing.  He said to her that he doesn’t get into Vday and he doesn’t celebrate it and it’s stupid.  Now he’s not a total jerk so he probably meant something not so horrible – like maybe people should show their love all year round, not just one day a year.  I have no idea – I’m just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Made BFF feel like crap though.  Yes, she knows this about him.  It is still hard to be reminded of these things every year.

Every girl wants a little romance!

My best Valentine’s Day Ever:

Sixth grade.  Kevin – my first boyfriend.  We were neighbors and in the same class at school.  We were both patrols on the bus and sat in the back 2 seats – across the isle from each other.  (Remember patrols?!?) On Valentine’s day he gave me a heart necklace.  He was SO SWEET!  It was unexpected.  It was perfect.  Best Valentine’s day I’ve ever had and I never even kissed the boy!   lol

Maybe that day is the root of all my Vday disappointments!  He set the bar too high – no guy could ever compete with that!  :)

Now that I think about that…  I have not received jewelry for Valentine’s Day since then!  I’ve had boyfriends give me stuffed animals, flowers, and candy.  (I’m sorry but somebody please tell the guys to skip the stuffed animals unless you’re still in grade school!)

Hubby has given me candy and occasionally flowers over the years but he still makes sure to let me know that he thinks it’s all a big pain.  Sigh.

I love my man.  Valentine’s Day?  Not so much.

A Hug in the Kitchen

Years ago, hubby was always sneaking up behind me in the kitchen.  I’d get a hug from behind while I was washing dishes.  Or I’d get groped while cooking.  lol  He thought it was great fun.  It drove me nuts!  And I told him to knock it off many, many times.  He didn’t care if the kids were in the room or not and that irritated me even more.

I don’t know exactly when that stopped, but it did.  Just like so many other things in our marriage.

Somehow we lost so much over the years.  We almost lost each other.

I recently got one of those kinds of hugs in the kitchen.

The first one in a very very very very long time.

It hit me hard.  It made me feel so loved.  And at the same time the realization that something as simple as a hug in the kitchen meant so much…. well it was overwhelming.

It’s not a very interesting story but I will tell it anyway.   He was at the table watching Kid3 play Animal Jam on the computer when I came downstairs that morning.  I have a cold & cough that I can’t seem to shake.  I was coughing and hacking.  Lovely, right?

I went to the cupboard to get a mug to make some tea and he came up behind me.  He said “There’s hacky.  Good morning.” And hugged me and rested his chin on my shoulder for a minute.  I layed my head back on his shoulder and we just stayed there for a moment.   I gotta tell you I wanted to jump his bones right then and there.  Nice choice of words I know.  Words from my teenage years :)

It’s the little things that mean so much! 

Now hopefully he won’t start groping me in the kitchen again, at least not in front of the kids.  They are much older now, they would notice.  Ha.

But I promise I will never again tell that man not to hug me.  Ever.

No, this isn’t us.  We aren’t quite that cute, but it’s a great picture and exactly what I’m talking about :)

THANK YOU LORD for putting us back on the right path.

Things That Make Me Smile

Just a little fun today.

Flickr Mosaics – I see these on blogs a lot.  I was up too late again last night and did this when I should have been sleeping.   Here is a flickr mosaic of things that make me smile.  I did not follow the directions.  I started and then I was annoyed by the questions and the images that came up for those search results.  So I just searched for topics that make me happy and are important to me.  Like chocolate, peanut butter, books, love, hiking in the woods, family beach trips, happy kids, etc…

Things That Make Me Smile

1> Love. 2>Tulips from my flower beds.3>My comfy bed.4>Beach vacations with the family.5>Chocolate & peanut butter6>Lots of Books.7>My Marriage.8>Family (that is a family tree).9>Hiking in the woods.10>Family.11>Happy kids being kids.12>Love taking pictures!

——————————————————————————————————————

Here are the real directions:

Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr search, using only the first page, choose your favorite image, copy and paste each of the URL’s into the mosaic maker (3 columns, 4 rows).

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you attend?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. What is your job?
6. Favorite Drink?
7. Dream Vacation?
8. Favorite Dessert?
9.  What do you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11.One word to describe you?
12. Your Flickr Name?

Wham Bam

Wham Bam Thank You Maam

Yea, that’s what this post is about.

My definition:  A quickie.
Urban Dictionary’s definition:  slang for a quickie or a really fast-paced sex with someone you barely know or do know but don’t care about. wham bam thank you maam just means that you bang her and go.

Well, here we are talking about a married quickie.

A long time ago when our lives were centered around babies –  baby diapers, baby feedings, baby puke, just babies – we started saying that.   You are so tired you can’t see straight.  You just got the last one to sleep and you know the youngest one is going to be awake in 3 hours to suck the life out of you yet again.  (AKA breastfeeding).  That was our jargon for “Yea, neither one of us feels like it so let’s just get it over with cuz we know we’ll both be happy we did.”  Otherwise know as a quickie.   All he had to say was “Thank you maam”.  It was something we could say in front of babies and they would often repeat I might add!  Then I started saying “Thank you sir”.  It was our code :)

Haven’t used that code in a while.

So today I said “Thank you sir.”
He said “What?”
I said “Wham bam thank you sir.”
He said “Nice.” sarcastically.
I said “Ok, then Let’s make love.” sarcastically.

And we both cracked up.  How is it that you can be married for  SO long and feel SO uncomfortable saying something like that?  But it just sounded ridiculous.  Like hello, this is the real world and that is hilarious.

I said “You used to say that to me.”
He said “Yea, I had to.”

Now of course he didn’t “have to”.  But remember when you were new in love and dating and your feelings are like a “high”…. remember that?  You stare into each others eyes and see your future.  You long for them and whisper sweet nothings like “I want to make love to you.”  And it isn’t hilarious at all.  It’s the most important thing in your world at that moment.  You have never been more serious, or felt anything like that before.  It means everything to you.  You are so madly in love that you are blinded by it.  You are also on your best behavior, trying to win the other person over.  You will do anything to be able to spend the rest of your life with them.  So, you get married and build a home together and have babies.  And then you wake up one morning, with baby puke crusted in your hair that you haven’t washed in 3 days.

And quickies become your reality.  And that is fine because now your world involves more than just the stars you saw in his eyes.

Even after a lot of pain and broken dreams, I am still in love with that man.  But somehow looking into his eyes and hoping to find my dream makes me laugh.  Now I know that there is so much more to it than that.  It is hard work.  And it is often painful.  But at least we can laugh about it together.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.