My mom came to all my games?

I made it through the volleyball game with my mother.  She was nice and I’m glad she came. I could tell hubby felt a little weird about it too but he did ok talking to her.  She and stepdad want to come to the next home game too.  We’ll see if she follows through with that.

I have vented on here before about how she never came to my games etc when I was a teenager.  I said to her last night that I don’t remember her coming to many of my games.  She said “what?!?  I think I came to all of them!  We sat right over there.”  She said she brought my little bro & sis and my dad popped in maybe for maybe one game a year.

Hmmm.  Ok, so do I really just remember it wrong?  I will have to ask my older sister today who played also.  I remember that we would go to the pay phone in the lobby and call home and click the receiver so we didn’t have to pay and she would know that we were ready to be picked up.  I remember waiting in the gym lobby after many games – waiting for our ride.

It was sad actually to realize all the things my mom doesn’t know about my world.  She asked if Kid1 had been in the agricultural parade with the band, they didn’t see her.  I said yes she was there.  I said Kid2 was there too.  They asked what did she do in the parade?  I said she is in band too.  Oh.  awkward silence.  What does she play?  The sax.

Also, Kid1 started at the vocational school this year, so she splits her days between there and the high school.  For this program she is also dual enrolled in a local community college so that she can earn college credits for her courses at the vocational school.  This was a big decision and a we talked about it a lot while she was trying to decide.  My mom had no idea that she was doing this.  That is crazy sad.  She is so removed from our lives.  :(

As far as the bleachers go, well I was double dosed on ativan – so I was fine.  Ugh.

Mom vs Bleachers

.

How messed up is this?

I’m more nervous about my mom coming to Kid1’s volleyball game tonight than I am about having a panic attack in those blasted bleachers.

Sad, really.

Not Your Typical Mom

Occasionally I try to talk to my mom about our non-existent relationship.  Basically she thinks I’m making a big deal over nothing.  I asked her one time why she didn’t even bother to come to one of Kid3’s baseball games. ” It was too hot.”  But Seriously – at that time, she lived a 5 minute walk from the field.  We played probably 20 games there that summer and she had the schedule.  I used to invite her to the kid’s events at school.  I quit doing that a few years ago.  She never came and she acted like it was weird that I was even telling her about these things anyway.

Every once in a while I get upset about not having a mom and try to reach out to her.  I start calling her, or find a reason that I need to stop in at her house, or whatever.  It ends up just hurting again though.  I’m not sure, I may have already typed about this but in December, we were going to have a girls day and go see the nutcracker.  My mom, sisters and our daughters.  It had been planned for weeks.  Well something happened when my sister ordered the tickets online – apparently the order didn’t go through.  She didn’t realize this until that morning when she went to find the ticket confirmation in her email to print and take along with us.   So, she felt horrible and apologized, but then we decided that we would all go to lunch somewhere instead.  We already had planned to hang out, so let’s do it.  My mom said no.  She didn’t want to go to a restaurant because its hard for her to find things to eat.  She eats gluten free.  She could have ordered a salad for heavens sake.  It’s not like she never goes to restaurants.  And she is always concerned about money – well this would be cheaper than the nutcracker tickets were so she was still spending less that day than planned.  Nope, she didn’t want to go and that was the end of it.

The rest of us went and had a nice time.

Why wouldn’t she come?  We hardly ever see each other, so it would have been nice.  Apparently that was not the point of getting together that day for her.  Apparently she was just excited to see the nutcracker?   I mean isn’t that sucky??

The saddest part about this to me is that I always thought she was a great mom when we were growing up.  She was our rock in the turmoil my dad created.  She was always there for us and even though she never came to any of my volleyball games or band competitions or stuff like that, she was there for other stuff.  She would go to the honor society banquets with me.  She ….  I don’t know – I can think of more things she didn’t do than things she did…..  She was a stay at home mom with an over bearing husband, two teenagers and two younger children.   So I guess it would have been hard for her to come to the games because she’d have to bring my little bro and sister too?  They would have been 9 and 11.  See, no they could have come and behaved themselves at that age so who knows why she never came.

At home though she was the nice one.  I guess she really wasn’t that interested then either.  Everytime I thought about this before, I rationalized that she had a husband from hell and was just trying to make it through.  And dealing with him was about all she could handle.  But she still doesn’t participate in our lives and she no longer has that excuse now does she??

I’d love to have a straight up conversation with her about this but I won’t.  I think about it often.  I can’t even think through what I want to say without getting teary-eyed so I know I would cry.  And I don’t want to.  I don’t think I would feel better after talking to her.  I think her responses would be completely detached and unemotional and she would tell me that I am making a big deal out of something that isn’t.  She would tell me that she ‘just doesn’t want to’ participate and be more involved.  I don’t believe it would get us anywhere and it would just bring up old hurts and I would be a mess for a while.  So I think I’ll skip that and just keep trying to ignore the sad feelings I have about all this.

My mom-in-law (who is very awesome btw) tells me I should try to talk to her more – that I will regret it someday.   She can’t say that without crying because she misses her mother terribly.  I am very grateful for my m-i-l.  She is more like a mom to me than my own.  If I need help or advice, I call her.  When I am sick, she’ll bring down homemade chicken soup and ginger ale.  Hubby mentioned to her one time that I was in bed with a headache, she called later that night to see how I was and to offer her latest herbal remedy :)  I mean that’s what a mother does right?

Interesting that now my dad is the parent I am in contact with most.  He tries.  He cares.  Sometimes he calls an annoying number of times.  He is an alcoholic.  He doesn’t drink anymore (at least not much anyway) and he knows he was horrible when we were growing up.  He has apologized and wants to hang out with us now and be a part of our lives.  I used to hate him.  I don’t anymore.  He has proven that people can change.  I know my dad loves me.

Sucks to have a mom like mine.

Oh my gosh here is something – on my 21st birthday while I was away at college (did I already type about this too?) she decided that it would be a wonderful gift for me to receive a letter from her on my birthday.  I didn’t get a nice card or a gift, or even a phone call.  No, what I got was a letter from my mom telling me the story of the day I was born.  It is not a nice story.  The gist of it is this – my dad was out all night at the bar and didn’t come home until the next morning when it was almost time to go to the hospital.  My birth was scheduled because we lived in a place with BIG winters – like many feet of snow – and you had to plan these things so you wouldn’t be stranded somewhere in a blizzard when you went into labor.  So she drug him into the backseat of the car where he passed out and drove herself to the hospital.  He stayed there, passed out, while she had me.  There are a few more details I’d rather forget.  But isn’t that great.  Isn’t that just how you want to celebrate your birthday?  What is wrong with her?  What on earth made her think that that was a good idea?  I was away at school.  It was my 21st birthday.   I was a mess.  It was so upsetting to me.  She basically told me how horrible it was the day I was born.  Who does that?  So of course my friends and I did the 21st birthday ‘bar tour’ that night and I got so drunk.  Oh my.  I remember that I was laying on the floor in my friends bathroom the next morning puking my guts up and there were cockroaches crawling around my head.  LOL  (College apartments can be pretty gross!)

Anyway, there it is.  My mom is not your typical mom.

But I want to be.  I want to be the mom who calls her kids too often and that babysits her grand-kids and goes to their sporting events and invites everyone over for Sunday dinners.

Easter with my mom

Ok tell me it’s not just me.

I’ve talked before about how I barely have a relationship with my mom.  We get together for holidays and that is about it even though she only lives about 20 minutes from me.  She’s just not interested.  We get along fine, we’re polite, we’re just not close.

So my mom sent us all an email about a week ago to find out when we could all get together for Easter.  She told us they finally finished their renovation.  I don’t even know what renovation she is talking about.  She also asked if we would host it again.  I didn’t reply for a few days.  I’m sorry but it made me mad.  She has a nice big house.  She has more seating room than any of us.  And she just finished some renovation.  Why wouldn’t she just have it?  Wouldn’t it be nice to let your kids see your ‘renovation’?

My sister did suggest to her once that she now has the perfect house for family get togethers and we should just always have them there.  It was just spur of the moment comment but my  mom made it clear that was not going to happen.  It was not “fair to her” to have to do that.  What???  It’s not like she cooks the whole meal either!  We all bring a dish or two.  Heck last time one of my sisters even provided the ham for the main dish.  It’s too much of a burden to have her kids over more than once a year??

Anyway, my sister finally replied with dates that worked for her family and said “Doesn’t (me) always host?  Maybe someone else should.”  This is the sister that I am closest to and she probably knew I was stewing on it.  So then I replied and agreed to the dates and asked if someone else was volunteering.

THEN this morning my mom replies and says those dates don’t work cuz my aunt and uncle will be visiting that weekend.  WHAT?  My aunt and uncle have been here maybe 3 times.  They live in another state.  I LOVE my Aunt.  She is one of the most lovable people you will ever meet.  I’m SURE she would be happy to see us too.  It just immediately hit me in the gut.  It makes no sense.  What possible reason would there be to not even already be planning to all get together when they visit??    My uncle has Parkinsons and has some trouble but usually he just goes to another room and lies down when he gets tired at these types of events.  But he still comes and usually it is the whole family which is a lot more people than this would be.  I’ll bet she’ll use that as an excuse.  And I’ll bet my aunt will wonder why we didn’t come see her when she visited….

I text my sister and told her to read mom’s email and tell me her gut reaction.  She replied with exactly what I was thinking.  But then she replied to mom and asked her why we couldn’t still have it and that it would be nice to see them.  I’m too stubborn to say that.  It makes me so mad.

It’s not just me, right?

My Mom

Let’s talk about my mom shall we?

She called yesterday morning as I was typing that last blog post and replying to hubby’s texts about needing a phone number for someone.

I saw her on the caller ID and chose not to answer it.  She left a message.  She wants to know if I will host Easter dinner.
The thing is… it irritates me that the only time I see her is on holidays.  This year was different because she moved and needed our help.  So we actually saw her when she moved in early November, at Thanksgiving dinner at her house, another time at her new house because she wanted us to haul away an old refrigerator, and then at Christmas dinner at my brother’s house.  I haven’t seen her since then.  She did call on my birthday this year.  That was nice – and unusual, she normally just sends me a card.

She lives about 20 minutes from me.  She is about 15 minutes from the school.  She never even attempts to get together, or attend any of the kid’s events.  She is just a mom that I see on holidays.

Why don’t I try harder with her?  Been there, done that.  It is emotionally draining.  She really just doesn’t want bothered.

For Christmas and 4th of July we travel to see relatives about 3 hours away.  At the 4th of July picnic one year my cousin said “So what has your mom been up to?”  I said “I don’t know.  I haven’t seen her since we were here at Christmas.”  Picture shocked faces from everyone in hearing distance.  I didn’t say it rudely, I wasn’t upset.  It was just a fact that seemed so crazy to everyone else.  It didn’t to me.  To me it was normal.

So why didn’t I answer the phone?  Well, I couldn’t deal with it yesterday I guess.  I was very surprised to see her number on the caller ID.  Usually after I talk to her I get upset.  Sad mainly I guess.  I just didn’t want to deal with it.

And Easter dinner?  I hate hosting family gathering at times like this when my marriage is in the crapper.  Hubby and I will certainly have arguments about it, he will be a grump about the whole thing, I will pray that he is at least nice to people when they are here.  I will put on my fake happy smile and hope for the best.  Ugh.  Today is not a good day for me to think about that.  I will call her back next week.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.