Zoloft: Day 50

Yes, Day 50.  I keep track on my JoesGoals.com account so I know :)

I went to the doctor on Friday for my follow-up appointment and she agreed I should increase my dose so this is actually the 3rd day on 100mg.  I do feel like the Zoloft has has been helping me a lot, but I’m still taking ativan pretty much daily and always before I drive so I’m not there yet.

I’m getting there.  This is helping me a lot and I actually feel like it may be OK soon.  I may actually be able to drive to the beach this year.

First, I will drive to the baseball game in T-town next week. :)  One step at a time.  I feel like there is a light at the end of this tunnel.




I drove. I shopped.

I just drove into town and went to 2 stores.


Woo Hoo!


Take that Panic Attacks!

Done with Wellbutrin, Starting Celexa

Yesterday I took the last wellbutrin pill that I plan to take.

I’ve been weaning off of those ever since my big driving panic attack that I am convinced they triggered.    On Friday my doctor agreed that I needed something different.  Not sure the wellbutrin had been helping much before that anyway and I have been taking ativan almost daily so thats not good.  That is not the purpose of my ativan.  It’s just supposed to help me as needed, and I’m not supposed to need it every day!

Part of me wants to just wait it out and see how I do without any medication in my system.  I hate that medication has become normal for me.

But then kid2 asked me to take her and 3 friends to the mall this weekend to shop for dresses for the spring formal.  Just the thought of driving them there made me want to start popping ativan!

Last night I drove to kid3’s playoff basketball game – my kids and kid2’s BFF – and it was HARD.  I did it cuz hubby didn’t go to the game but it wasn’t fun at all.  I had a little episode on the way there and slowed way down, expecting to pull over, but kept fighting and and got through it and kept going.  Amazing to me that kids don’t notice.  Ha.  They were gabbing and picking on each other and fighting and all that they do and were oblivious to what was going on up front.  Ha.  Even Kid1 who sat in the front passenger seat.  She had her headphones on and her head laid back and was in her own world.  I’m glad she was.

Anyway…. the thought of drivign them to the mall should not freak me out.  And that is ridiculous.

So I decided I would start the Celexa  (Citalopram) today.   I haven’t done it yet though.  I keep putting it off.  I’m starting with half a pill and its unlikely to have any side effects immediately but I was reading online about how one of the beginning side effects is dizziness and I am afraid of that I guess.  And I really don’t want to have to deal with that and have to be in charge of my kids…. I don’t know.  Then what if I take it now – almost bedtime and it keeps me awake tonight?  I have a conference call tomorrow with the Maybe Millionaires and I need to be completely focused and ready for that.  I cant be all sleep deprived and foggy!  Aggh.    Yes, this is just me babbling whats happening in my head right now.  Ha.

OK.  I’m going to take it now.  If not now, when?  I am praying this will help.  The plan is for this to help me overcome a lot of my social anxiety and get strong and confident and do all the things that I need to do and that I want to do!  Then I will wean off off this medication too and be forever fixed.  Yep, that’s right.  I didn’t use to have panic attacks.  And I don’t plan to have them for the rest of my life either.  :D

Here we go.  Celexa:  Day 1

Social Anxiety Videos on YouTube

I found this recently when searching for info on Celexa which my dr prescribed at my appointment on Friday.  I have it, but haven’t started it yet….

I like this guy.  Only watched 2 videos so far but definitely interesting.  Check it out.  Link below.

Social Anxiety Videos on YouTube

Panic Attacks: Life is Passing Me By

Some friends went to Italy with their church group.  I just looked at pictures on facebook.  I’m happy for them.  I’m also irritated that life is passing me by and it’s hard to imagine that I will ever be able to do something like that!  Dear God, PLEASE take these panic attacks away.  Amen.

Doctor Appointment Rescheduled :(

Well the roads were a sheet of ice this morning. It took hubby almost an hour longer to get home today than normal.  And he had some scares.  It takes a lot to scare that man – especially when it comes to driving cuz he thinks he is invincible.  And then schools were closed so the kids are home again.

Looks like they will clear up this afternoon, but that doesn’t help me for my 10:00 appointment.  I actually wanted to go today too so I could talk to her about changing medicine.  So now it’s been rescheduled for the 28th.  OK then.  I will continue on.

They did call in an ativan refill for me thankfully though.

Have a good day everyone!


And I just called them back, asking if they had any cancellations this afternoon because I think the roads are going to clear up here soon.  She said no, but she made a note to call me if there were any cancellations today or Friday.  I told her it could be a shorter appointment slot cause we could skip the yearly gyne exam part :) – I mainly wanted to just talk to her about changing my medication.  We’ll see.  It’d be nice if they called with a cancellation today.  I really really want to get this over with and try something new.

Panic Attacks Piss Me Off

I am so pissed off right now.

I drove my daughter to volleyball practice.  Got back about 15 minutes ago.  A friend had her baby today.  On the way in my daughter asked how big the baby was.  I told her.  It was 9lbs 12 ozs.  She said wow thats big!  I said yea.  Flashback in my f’d up brain to the birth move in high school where I passed out cold in the middle of class….

Panic attack moved in for the kill.  I just had another f’in panic attack! The kind where I have to fight to not pass out!  Agh!  I needed air of course.  Well I was in hubby’s car because it drives better in the snow.  It’s his work car which basically means its kinda a piece of crap.  The windows dont work.  Yep, I couldnt roll down the window.  That made it worse.  It does have a sunroof which I was trying to figure out in the dark and I couldnt.  Kid2 tried to help me – then she said she couldnt find the button either in the dark and gave up.  So then I yelled at her to open it for me quick!  Yea.  Good times.  She wanted to know what my prob was and I said I just dont like talking about stuff like that anymore!

I did what I usually do, I chose streets where I could pull over if necessary.  This is getting so f’n old.  I am so mad at the whole situation.  I got her there as fast as I could and tried to appear normal.  I do that pretty well I might add.

Then I had to stop at the store.  We were out of milk and hubby asked for some energy drinks.  The store will be closed by the time her practice is over at 9:30 – or I would have just “forgotten” and let him get it when he picked her up.  And oh yes!  You can bet he is gonna be the one picking her up!

So I parked and did some deep breathing and waited for the parking lot to clear a little before going in.  I didn’t want to have to wait in a line cuz I was already in freak out mode.  I timed it well and there was no line and I got out of there.

I cried/yelled/swore/prayed all the way home.

I came in the basement door cuz I knew he was down there and I told him to stand up and hug me.  Ha.  He did and I told him about it.  That is new.  Usually I don’t tell him.  He doesn’t understand.  I asked him to pick her up.  He said “Well wouldnt that be a good way to fight back and get over this one?”  I said nope.  I’m done tonight.  And I said I know all about what I need to do to fight back!  I’ve been doing it for like 5 years now! He hugged me a while. He was watching the news and was trying to let go and sit down. ha.  O well. He was kind and he was understanding.  I know he doesnt understand.  I dont even understand but so far I’m still glad I told him.  Hopefully I won’t regret that later.

I also told him that I don’t want to deal with this anymore but I dont want to be fat either.  He said what??  I said Paxil would cure this but I would be fat!  He didnt respond to that.  lol

I feel a tiny bit better now – after typing it out.  I want to just go to bed but I have more work to do.  The kids were off school again today because of snow, so I didn’t get as much work time in.  And tomorrow is my doctor appointment, so that is lost work time.  My plan has been to go get a haircut too since I will already be loaded up with ativan for my dr appt.  And then I’m supposed to meet my bff for lunch at a new restaurant.  I don’t know now.
I guess I’ll just wait and see how I feel tomorrow.  If I am still a basket case I may have to skip the haircut and lunch.  I’ve already been wishing I could skip the dr appt but tonight just proved how badly I need to go.  There is a freezing rain advisory for the morning so the kids are hoping for a school delay.  I am really hoping that doesn’t happen because I wont get to my appt in time and I’ll have to reschedule.

I’m almost out of ativan.  And I am absolutely out of patience for this crap.
I want the miracle cure!  Oh how I wish there was one.  Sigh.

Off Wellbutrin to Try Anti-Depressant?

So after all that happened with the Wellbutrin, I want off of it!  Once I figured out that it contributed to my freak out I started weaning myself off of it immediately!  I have reduced my dose significantly and feel so much calmer overall.

I also have been taking Bright Spark from NativeRemedies.com and think it works wonderfully for concentration and focus.  I seriously feel happier!  I dont know if it is because of reducing the wellbutrin.  Or taking Bright spark (take this occasionally, not every day so I don’t know…)  Or maybe I’m just happier because my marriage is pretty great right now.

Don’t get me wrong, Wellbutrin did help me for a while.  The reason I chose to start taking it was because of this comment I read on a forum:

“The wellbutrin gets rid of the obsessive thoughts I have about my anxiety and panic attacks and I take the ativan when I am having an actual panic attack.”

And it really did help with that.

The problem is that I am still struggling so much to do everyday things.  I am so tired of having to work so hard to do normal things.  And I’m sick of missing out on life.

I was on Paxil for post-partum depression after kid3.  Paxil is a wonderful drug!  It helped me so much and not only helped with the depression, but helped in many other ways as well.  It basically erased my shyness.  That’s the way I described it at the time.  This was way before panic attacks had entered my life.  I have always been shy and hated being the center of attention, or giving speeches etc.  I’ve done those things – just didn’t like to.

Now – I have trouble sitting in the bleachers watching my kids play volleyball.  Then – I was on the volleyball team playing in front of everyone!

Now – bleachers at football games suck!  Then – I was in the band marching around on the field in front of everyone!

Now – Do not even ask me to get up and talk in front of a group.  Then – not only did I give oral reports etc at school, but I gave a speech at graduation!  In the same gym that I have trouble sitting in!  That gym was packed for graduation with some people having to stand.  And I stood in front of all those people and gave a speech!  Now I wont even go into that gym unless I’ve taken ativan and can get a seat near the door.  Ugh.  What the hell happened to me?  And why?!

Anyway… Paxil cured me of that.  I even hosted a wedding shower for my sister and was bossy and in charge of the games and gave a sweet little talk about my sister – in front of all those people.  I didnt know a lot of them either.  And then I stood up in her wedding as maid of honor – in all my fat glory.  Ugh.  I hate all pictures that I am in from that wedding! When my other sister got married before that I refused to be in it and was guest book attendant instead.  Heck even for my own wedding, we had a “destination wedding” with 4 other people there – cuz I didn’t want to be the center of all that attention!

Paxil worked wonders for me and I remember thinking that this must be how everyone else feels.  I felt normal for once.

The problem with paxil though is that I gained 40 pounds.  yes – 40!  And Paxil withdrawal is no picnic.  That is putting it mildly.  So I don’t really want to go back on Paxil.

I want something that works just like paxil but without the weight gain.  I doubt that exists.  I’ve googled so many different medications and it seems all anti-depressants have possible weight gain as a side effect.

I’ve decided I want to try an anti-depressant again though anyway.  Just remembering how I felt when I was on Paxil makes me think it might really help me.  I want to get on with living!  And I’m hoping that other meds are as likely to result in weight gain as Paxil is.  And I know to look out for that side effect now so maybe I’ll be able to keep it under control if it does become an issue.

(Of course I’ve just set a new weight loss goal for myself too – 10 pounds by April 30th – just in time for our 20th anniversary!)

This post was a lot of babbling I know.  I’m trying to figure this out.  I go to the doctor on Wednesday and am going to talk to her about all this.  I’d also like to try xanax instead of ativan since it works faster – that should help with having to plan ahead so much – to be sure to take it in time for whatever event is gonna stress me out next.

But then I love my dear ativan.  I need a refill on that and am wondering if they will do both – refill ativan and a new RX for xanax at the same time.  They may not.  I want my ativan still – it is like my security blanket!

See, I have no idea what will happen but I’d like to have an idea about what I want before I go in there on Wednesday!


Driving Anxiety : My Last Big Panic Attack

So here it is.  The story of my last big panic attack that I keep referring to.

I take  wellbutrin to help me with my anxiety.  It has been working.  I need brand name because the generic makes me puke and I don’t stop puking even after an “adjustment period”. Every single time my prescription runs out and the pharmacy requires a new one from the doctors office they give me terrible trouble and try to get me to switch to generic.  So much I could say about their nonsense but the result this time was that I was almost out of pills and they were taking their good old time in approving the new RX.  I started stretching the pills out.  You don’t just quit taking these pills, you have to taper off of them.  I didn’t want to do that, I was just trying to spread them out until I got more. And it was taking forever!  I finally got the refill and started back in taking them again as normal.  That was my first mistake.  I didn’t think about the fact that I was weaned off of them pretty well by now.  About 3 days later I was a nervous wreck and it took me a while to realize it was because I overloaded my body with the wellbutrin too quickly.

Of course that was the day I had to drive my daughter to the ortho.  I had been sweating all day.  My hands had been shaking.  At times that day my heart felt like it was beating so hard I was sure people could see it popping out of my chest.   I took 2 ativan to help me calm down and then I picked my daughter up from school.  I had the window down in the car. The cold air helped even though she kept complaining that she was freezing.  We were talking a lot.  I was trying to distract myself and focus on her instead of how I felt.  That worked for a while.

Then we started talking about my brother and his wife who are trying to have a baby.  That turned into a conversation about sis-in-law’s sister who died from a brain tumor shortly after her twins were born. That is an emotional story.  Oh my.  I hadn’t thought of that in several years and it hit me.  I don’t like medical stuff.  It makes me feel queasy even on good days.  Well I was not having a good day anyway and the emotion of those memories put me over the edge I guess.

Here it was.  The panic monster had come for me.  We were stopped at a red light and I was trying hard to refocus.  I changed the radio station, looked in my purse for nothing really, checked my phone.  Oh my.  I couldn’t shake it and the black spots were there and they were big.  I was terrified I was going to pass out at the wheel of my car!  The light was red for what seemed like forever so I put the car in park, figuring that would be best in case I actually did pass out.

The light turned green and I was shaking so bad but put it in drive and went.  My daughter was worried by this time so I told her I felt very sick and that I felt like I was gonna puke any minute.  There was no where to pull over.  There was a lot of traffic and I was in a middle lane.  Thank God that there was a left turn possible at the next light.  We stopped at the light and I put it in park again and waited.  You have no idea how badly I just wanted to get out of that car!  I pictured myself getting out of the car and walking across the traffic and sitting down on the curb.  I just wanted out!  When the light turned green, I went and pulled into the first parking lot we came to on that road.  I got out and just kind of walked back and forth pacing.  Taking deep breaths and being thrilled to be out of the car!

She was worried about being late for her ortho appt.  Last time we were late the lady was not nice at all and upset kid2 so much she cried when we left.  So she wanted me to hurry up and get back in!  Wow I wished she was old enough to drive!  I talked myself into trying again.  It wasnt very far away and only 1 more light to go through.  So we went.  The light to pull back out on the highway took forever though and I was a sweaty mess again by the time it turned green.  I sped there as quickly as possible – like a mom on a mission.  SO relieved to reach the parking lot!

Her appt was  just a quick adjustment.  Basically each time we just sign in, they call her back, I sit there and wait, she’s done in 10-15 minutes and we leave.  I told her to go in herself.  She was nervous about it and got a little mad at me.   I laid my seat back in the car and told her I’d be right there waiting.  She is 14.  She could handle this with no problems and I was parked right by the door.  So she did.  As soon as she was out of sight I kinda freaked out a little again.  I was still having trouble catching my breath.  I tried turning music on the radio to help me relax.  Didn’t help.  I got out my ipod and played some games, thinking I could distract myself enough to forget about it a little.

When she came back I still didn’t feel confident enough to start the drive home so I gave her some cash and sent her into TJ Maxx – her favorite store ever.  She took a really long time in there and I was glad.  I went in after a while.  I wanted to walk around, build some confidence, feel normal again.  We paid for her stuff and I had  a hard time in line and went outside while she was still checking out.  I felt like I just needed air.

The ride home was terrible.  I just wanted to be home.  She was afraid I was gonna have to pull over and puke at any minute.  I was afraid I would pass out at any minute and kill us all.  There are not always places you can quickly pull over if you need to!  I felt like a race car driver.  When I was on a stretch of road without places to pull over, I was so focused and going as fast as the cars in front of me would allow.  I was determined to get through those places before more black spots came.  It wasn’t good.  At all.  On the more country roads where I could stop if needed, I relaxed a little and that helped get me through the other parts.  It was about 1/2 an hour drive home and we both were very relieved to make it home.

We went into the house and she announced that they should watch out cuz mom is sick and heading for the bathroom.  lol  I did and put cold water on my face and tried to not be a nut case.  I went to where hubby was sitting on the couch.  I wanted a hug so badly!  I sat close and he said something about me being sick and he didn’t want to get sick.  Ha. Cant blame him I guess.  He didn’t know what had really happened.  (I did finally tell him later – just a few days ago actually – and this happened at the beginning of December)

So then I went to bed and stayed there.  I felt like a rag doll, completely limp, worn out.  Everyone left me alone cuz they thought I had “germs” and it was bliss.

Panic Attacks are Stealing My Life

Things I have missed because of my fear of the panic monster:

Haven’t seen my dad’s new house in Florida.  This hurts my Dad.
Passed up 2 trips to Disney World.  Partially Paid trips!
Turned down a paid flight to Florida – more than once.
Declined a trip to Alabama to see my grandmother & cousins.
Did not attend my step-grandmother’s funeral dinner, which hurt my stepmom.
Bus trip to New York with a group of fun ladies
Winter Jam concert – 3 years now.
Tour of hubby’s work place (hot and crowded)
College basketball game with my son and his basketball team (twice now)
Countless dinner invitations from friends & sisters over the last few years.
Road trips with hubby.
Spontaneous shopping trips, restaurants, etc with my mom-in-law who loves to fly by the seat of her pants and is always up to something fun!

I feel like this list doesn’t even begin to cover the things I’ve been missing because I’m afraid :(

I can’t just get up and go.  I want to be able to do that again!

What am I doing when opportunities present themselves??
Counting how many ativan pills I have left.  Counting hours & minutes to see if there is enough time for the ativan to kick in before an event.
Or perhaps I planned to go and then chickened out.  It was offered to me and I refused.  I saw the event and wanted to go but knew it would be more trouble than it was worth :(

Things that are coming up that I DON’T want to miss:

Want to go to Disney as a chaperone on the band trip – planned For April or May 2015
BFF wants to go on a cruise as a graduation gift for us when our kids graduate.  Yes – for us, not them!  lol
Tour of Hubby’s work place is being planned again – think they are making it a yearly event.
College basketball game with my son and his basketball team .
As my very active kids get older there will be more banquets, award ceremonies, events, games…. things I want to enjoy instead of being sick about!

And let’s not forget the gazillions of things that I still do –  but are SO MUCH HARDER than they need to be thanks to the panic monster!  You already know most of these things if you’ve been here before.

I freaking HATE the panic monster.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.