What are you tolerating?

“What are you tolerating in your life that is keeping you from God’s best?”

That question popped up on my facebook news feed this morning – from Joel Osteen Ministries.

I can’t get it out of my head.

So many things, so many things……

Sigh.

How do I do better?

That is the question now.

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“Broken down relationships can really break down a woman.”

.

“Decide today that you are worthy.
Because you are. Worthy. You may not feel like it. But a quick glimpse at Psalm 139 assures me, you are. And I’d rather depend on the solid truth of God than the roller coaster of fickle feelings.
You are beautiful and captivating and attractive and smart and capable. But if you are in a relationship full of unmet expectations, unresolved issues, and frustrating communication, I suspect you feel a little less than all I’ve described.
Broken down relationships can really break down a woman.
So, today breathe. Steady yourself. Keep your eyes on the Master.”

To read more from this blog go to www.lysaterkeurst.com

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This was the facebook post that popped up in my news feed right after I vented all my anger and frustration.

God knows what I need to hear.  Of course he knows.

Easier said than done.

“We let emotions confuse us, and that often leads us to make decisions we later regret”. -Joyce Meyer, “Living Beyond Your Feelings”

See Luke 6:32.

If you [merely] love those who love you, what quality of credit and thanks is that to you? For even the [very] sinners love their lovers (those who love them). 33 And if you are kind and good and do favors to and benefit those who are kind and good and do favors to and benefit you, what quality of credit and thanks is that to you? For even the preeminently sinful do the same. 34 And if you lend money at interest to those from whom you hope to receive, what quality of credit and thanks is that to you? Even notorious sinners lend money at interest to sinners, so as to recover as much again. 35 But love your enemies and be kind and do good [doing favors so that someone derives benefit from them] and lend, expecting and hoping for nothing in return but considering nothing as lost and despairing of no one; and then your recompense (your reward) will be great (rich, strong, intense, and abundant), and you will be sons of the Most High, for He is kind and charitable and good to the ungrateful and the selfish and wicked. “

Easier said than done.  I am struggling lately to see past my own urges to give up.  There has been progress.  There is hope.  I made a promise.  I have kids who need me to make the right decision.  I am trying to be strong and patient.  Why is it that I find this to be so very hard and hubby just sees it as a rough patch that will pass?  How can I be so miserable and he be ok?  Please Lord give me strength – I need your help today.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  Phillipians 4:13

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Joyce Meyer, “Living Beyond Your Feelings” – I have not read that book.

Has anyone?

Happy, Healthy, Safe & Faithful

Dear Lord,

Please keep my hubby

HAPPY

HEALTHY

SAFE

&

FAITHFUL.

Amen.

I have been praying that prayer for years when he leaves for work.   After each of those above I pray more, adding details for each.  For example, he fell on the ice yesterday.  He fell hard.  So after I say Healthy – I prayed that the hip that has been hurting since then will heal soon and not be so sore.  Safety is a big issue at his job – it is dangerous and depending what he is working on at at the moment, there is always a lot to say about that.  And safety is needed on these icy roads lately too!  Faithful not just to me, but to keep his focus on his family.

The kids know this prayer and have said it with me.  They used to love to do this – especially when they were younger.  Although I pray the faithful part silently, not out loud with them.  They know mommy prays for daddy and that makes me happy.  I also pray for them when they leave for school in the morning.  My daughter told me one time that she looked out the bus window and could see me in the window praying for her :)

I thought about this today because I realized I hadn’t been doing it anymore.  It  made me sad.  I have said this prayer for him for probably 16 years now.  I started it soon after we were married.   So I prayed for him tonight as he left for work.  And wow did I have a lot to say about each of those categories!

THANK YOU LORD for the power of prayer!

Sit down and Shut up.

That’s what I think I am supposed to be doing.  It’s so hard!   I don’t wanna!

I want to rant and rave and tell him how horrible he is!
I want to tell hubby how rude and disrespectful is and how he doesn’t deserve me!
I want to plead for him to be who he used to be – the strong caring man that I believed would always be there for me!

I don’t want to be still.  I don’t want to be silent.  I don’t want to wait.

I believe that is God’s plan for me right now though.

Hubby and I spent an unusually quiet evening together on Saturday night.  The kids stayed overnight at Grandmas house.  My plan was to wrap gifts.  I am determined to not spend Christmas eve  in the cold basement all by myself wrapping gifts until way too late like I do every year!  Hubby had agreed to help.  Well I didn’t feel like wrapping gifts.  We had one of our family Christmas parties earlier that day and I was wiped out. Hubby hates to wrap gifts.  Hates it.  So he was happy to skip it.  (I did wrap gifts Sunday morning before the kids came home – so I am not done- but further ahead than I have been in years!)

He logged onto the computer. I poured some wine and turned on the TV.  You’d think we’d use this alone time to talk about our marriage.  Or to have a romantic evening.  Or at least meet in the bedroom – whether it was romantic or not.  Didn’t happen.  Instead, I watched some movie with Lea Thompson in it – she was a stressed out mom who wished for a different life and of course the mall Santa granted her wish.  Hubby eventually joined me in the living room and was quickly snoring in the recliner.  Aren’t we awesome!

Getting to the point…  The quiet, the wine maybe, the loneliness, the Christmas tree glowing… it all got to me.

I prayed and cried quietly for a long time.  I think God’s answer to me is “Be still and know that I am God.”  That verse was loud in my head.  Very loud.  I kept pushing it away and praying more, pouring out my woes to God and asking for him to fix it all.  That’s what I heard.  I think God told me to sit down and shut up.

Now, if I can just figure out how to “BE STILL”….

“Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.