No Panic Attacks Please! School Assembly

Today is Kid3’s awards assembly in the hot hot hot cafeteria.  It is 86 right now.  And humid.

I wonder how much it would cost to install air conditioners in the cafeteria.  Thousands I’m sure.  That’s how much I hate to go there and sit and sweat.  I was actually thinking about how I might work to make that donation to the school!

Not gonna happen.  Heck , we don’t even have central air in our house.  Hubby lugs those big things up the basement steps and puts them in the windows every summer. He put the downstairs window air conditioners in yesterday.  But he had to stop since it hurt his back.  Probably wait another week or so and then get the ones put in the bedrooms upstairs.  (I try to help him lift them but he says that makes it harder. )

I’m sure somebody somewhere is working on making smaller, lighter but still powerful window air conditioners.  Maybe even ones you somehow install permanently in your wall?  If this is already happening and you know about it, please tell me!  That would be fabulous.

Anyway, I’m trying to prep myself for the day.  Not off to a very good start.  I didn’t get enough sleep last night.  I drank 2 cups of coffee today – not a smart decision.  Deep breaths.

I am not freaking out.  I’m nervous about it but I’m not freaking out.  That right there is progress.

There is a stomach bug going around the family… I was very tempted to fake sick and just not go!  But I won’t.  I promise I won’t.

Of course because I want to be there for Kid3.  But probably even more than that… Thursday is Kid2’s assembly and it is a bigger deal.  6th grade graduation from the grade school.  Kids are giving speeches, there is a photo slideshow, there will be cake.  (My kid isn’t giving a speech.  Hmm – wonder where she got her shyness from :/)

I need to go today for the exposure therapy.  A success there today will make it easier on Thursday.  And that is one that I can not fake sick to get out of.  As a mom of course I would want to go – I wouldn’t miss it!  As a panic attack sufferer – I don’t want anywhere near the place.  That is ongoing dilemma in my head :(

I am going today.  I will go Thursday.  I will just do it.

Thank God today for ativan!

Tonight was the Band Concert

One more thing checked off the anxiety list.  Yay!

Yesterday Kid1 told me that if I would just leave her alone for a few days her life would be SO much better.  She has been mean!  Hormones?  Hopefully that is all it is.  Ugh.  She has been studying for finals and I have been pushing her on that cuz her grades are … let’s just say they aren’t awesome.  I think she is just getting frustrated by it all.  Doesn’t make it OK to be a meanie though!

The band concert was tonight.  She wore a beautiful black dress that has caused quite a bit of drama the past few days.  She loved it.  SHe hated it.  Blah blah blah.  Ha.

I had taken ativan (2 today!) but still had some icky moments during the chorus part of the show.  They go first.  They sang a really really really long song is another language that I didn’t know and my gosh it was boring.  It gave my mind too much time to wander.  I reeled it back in by feeding every child around me some tic tacs I found in my purse.   And by taking pictures of everything and everyone.   Even people I didn’t know.  If they were on the stage tonight – I took their picture.

Other than that it was uneventful.  Just a nice evening – which is exactly what I wanted!  Thank you Lord! 

Hubby didn’t go.  He stayed home and slept.  Really he just didn’t care to go.  Kinda made me mad.  If it was a sporting event he would have been there.  Kid1 doesn’t do sports though.  He should have come to support her whether he felt like it or not.  Grammy and Pappy (in-laws) came though and I appreciated that.

Oh – a funny thing.  When we went into the auditorium they had 2 huge fans blowing.  I like to sit on the right side of the room – the same side of the stage where  Kid1 would be sitting.  Unfortunately that was in the direct path of the super fan.    I assumed they would turn it off when the performance started and I wanted to stay where we would be able to see Kid1, so we sat there for 1/2 an hour with our hair being blown in our face and cracking up about it.  So funny.  My mom-in-law didn’t think it was too funny.  But then when she saw my hair sticking straight up in the air, she changed her mind. :)

I always complain that they don’t run those fans.  And I hate being hot at these events.  It just made me think that God has a sense of humor.  Truly we were wind-blown!  It was like riding in a convertible. Ha! 

Freakin Teacher Meetings

I apologize to all you teachers out there.  But these things stress me out!

These types of things are really difficult for a person with panic attacks!

Ironically, I LOVED school when I was a child.  I was an A student.  It was easy for me.  I remember hating weekends.  I didn’t want to be home and deal with my dad’s drama.  I was the only kid I knew that loved Mondays!  It really sucks how these panic attacks have changed my life.  I’m getting better and better but it never should have been an issue in the first place and that ticks me off.

This is a busy busy time of year for everyone.  Tons of school events.

I need to focus on today only:

3:30 – pick up kids & a BFF from school

4:30 – Kid1 and I meet with guide counselor to discuss next years class schedule. I guess next year is when credits start counting toward graduation and there are decisions to make.  I don’t really know what this meeting will accomplish.   I’m looking forward to finding out :)

5:15 – Hubby takes Kid2, Kid2’s bff, and kid3 to ball field.

5:30 – I meet them at ball field and take Kid2 & bff to track.

5:45 – baseball game starts


I’m looking forward to sitting down, being still, and watching the game.  Ha!  Really, I will not be still.  I will be cheering like a crazy mom :)

There are about 2 hours of this day that are going to be stressful.  Really I have it figured out.  And I’m going to go make some hamburger helper and put it in the crockpot to stay warm so supper will be ready and available to whoever wants it, whenever they want it.  Simple.  Done.

I also have to remember to get cash from the mac machine before we come home for Kid1 to take on her band trip tomorrow.  And add minutes to her phone.  Being a mom is all about details!

Really this day is not that bad.  What makes it bad is that I am psyching myself out about this meeting with the guidance counselor.  My friend went this morning and said it took half an hour.  Ugh.  Add to that the fact that hubby has not been sleeping much at all this week.  He will be grumpy.  But I am waking him up anyway to help drive kids around.  He knew the plan last night.  He chose not to go to bed today until noon.  Not my fault.  Right?  Right.

Peace & Quiet

Today is one of those rare days that happens once every month or so.  Hubby is at an auction, kids are all at school and I have the house to myself.

Ahhhh.  Peace & Quiet  :)

I had an appointment scheduled with the guidance counselor to discuss Kid1’s classes for next year.  Apparently this is something you do before 9th grade.  The appointment was at 10am.  I even took my ativan already so I’d be prepared.

Guess what?!  I just called and changed it.  And not because I’m all anxious about it either! I am a little anxious (teacher conference panic attack flashback!)  – but that is not why.  I was sitting on the porch, sipping my one cup of coffee for the day, enjoying the sunshine and decided I was going to take a time out for me!  Yep, just for me.

SO I called the school and rescheduled it for tomorrow afternoon.  It’s very strange how very much this makes me smile!  lol

I do have a few must-do’s on my work schedule – so I plan to go get those done as quickly as possible, then have a nice long shower, and then maybe even sit on the porch and read a book on my new kindle.  Sounds like an awesome plan to me.

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We Ditched the Musical

Yep!  Any of you that have known me for very long know that I am relieved!
(See: Last years musical)

Baseball.  Did I tell you how much I love baseball??

Kid3 had a game last night at 7:00.  It’s a 40 minute drive to the field.

The musical was at 6:30.  Nope that wouldn’t work.  :D

We let them choose which they wanted to do.  And yes I even offered to take Kid2 to the musical first and then we could go to the game late.  She was thrilled to get out of it.  It’s not cool anymore you know when you are 12.  Apparently it is “lame”.

Oh. my. gosh.  What a tough day though!  It rained on and off all day.  So we kept thinking that they would cancel the game.  If they cancelled the game, we’d go to the musical instead.  See what I mean?

It’s bad enough to dread it and anticipate it and try to prepare myself for those blasted bleachers – but then it was just an anxiety roller coaster all day for me!

Is it raining?
Is the game cancelled?
Oh, the sun is out!
Is it supposed to rain tonight?
Should I take an ativan?
Raining again.
Who is that text from?
Did they cancel the game?


Ha.  Actually I kept that to myself  – it was just in my head.  I got a lot of work done yesterday – willing myself to stay focused to avoid the drama in my head.

We went to the game, it rained on the boys but they played through it.  Apparently there was a power outage in town last night and the lights went out at the school.  The musical continued with the emergency lights on in the gym.  They sang a cappella.  I don’t know if they still had the art show and book fair afterwards, not sure how they would unless they have great emergency lights in the grade school hallways.  I’m hoping they reschedule that actually.  I enjoy that.

I went all day without an ativan.  I had planned to take it around 5:00 – then I would be prepared for however the night turned out.  I got busy and forgot.  Right as we were leaving for the game I remembered I never took one.  I don’t usually need one for games anymore.  BUT of course there was road construction and a very long wait.  And a very long narrow roadway we had to maneuver through after we did finally get to go….

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

And I had a panic attack right there in the driver’s seat. 

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Not good.  I felt dizzy.  Passing out scares me and I felt like I was going to.  You aren’t allowed to pass out when you are driving down the road with your kids in the car with you though now are you!?!?  So I fought through it.  I rolled down the windows, I fidgeted all around, I blasted the air conditioning in my face even though the kids were already cold from me opening the windows.  (I told them I hated the smell of the blacktop and this would help. )  LOL  I started talking fast like a crazy person – about all the construction workers and what they were doing.  See how big that roller is, doesn’t that blacktop smell terrible, see that dude sitting there eating his lunch, oh they’re going to paint lines soon, and blah blah blah.

I got through it.  I couldn’t go fast through the maze of traffic cones.  And there was no way out and it sucked.  But I got through it.  And then I felt like jello.  Panic attacks are exhausting!

The day was stressful cuz of not knowing what to expect.  The anticipation of the unknown.  And this is also my PMS time – so my anxiety levels are sky high anyway.  And ever since that last panic attack I have been on high alert I guess.  Add it all up and a panic attack was bound to get me.

I did take an ativan once we got to the ball field.  I knew we’d be in that same construction on the way home and I really didn’t want to go through all that again.  I’ll try it again another day.  The ride home was uneventful. Yay.

NOW…. today is track & field for Kid2 and Kid3.  Last year it rained so they moved it inside to the gym.  I took an ativan and went twice that day.  It’s not raining now but it looks like it might at any second.  I’m guessing they will move it inside again but I really hope not!  Aside from the fact that I hate sitting there in those bleachers, track & field is really a lot more fun outside!  Outside they run & jump the hurdles, they hit baseballs, they throw balls at bowling pins, the do the shot put, they jump over that stick and land on the big mat (what is that called?!?), they have relay races.  It is a LOT more fun.   Last year all they did was play dodgeball for 40 minutes.  Yes, we sat there and watched them pummel balls at each other for 40 minutes.  Great job gym teachers.  They couldn’t think of anyway to do actual track & field type activities in the gym?  I thought it was stupid.  Can you tell?

This morning I asked my kids if they’d mind if I didn’t come if it was in the gym again.  They both said they didn’t care.  I’m not sure my mommy guilt will let me stay home though, we’ll see.

Pray for sunshine :)

Panic Attacks: At Least I Tried

Today I went to a parent / teacher conference without taking any ativan.

Yep, I was brave.

I only had one to go to today.  I didn’t go to any for Kid1 – I was in contact with her teachers via email instead.  Kid2’s teacher told me it wasn’t necessary for me to come.  Kid2 is a model student and her teacher is a friend that I see pretty regularly outside of school anyway.  There really wasn’t anything to say.

So that left only Kid3’s teacher.  She is a kind, kind soul.  I just love her.  And I have not been worrying about this conference at all.  This morning I still felt confident.  Around noon I was starting to think about when I should take the ativan.  You have to plan ahead for these things you know.  Then it hit me that I should go with out it today!  Hubby wasn’t coming so I could do my “fake it till I make it attitude.”  And I was calm, not fretting…  And there was only one and the teacher is so nice… And it was only for 15 minutes…

SO… I decided I wasn’t going to take it.  Of course I second guessed that decision right up until I walked in to the classroom.  Ha.  At one point I was psyching myself up about it, decided it was a bad decision to not take it and was ready to go get one, but then I realized the conference was in 20 minutes so it was too late for it to kick in anyway.

So I did it.  I went without ativan, my security blanket.

And I had a panic attack.

Embarrassed.  That is how I feel now.

We were sitting there at the little table talking and it hit me.  It wouldn’t pass.  And it was just the two of us.  There was no way for me to use my usual distractions – rummaging thru my purse, writing in my notebook, putting my head down, etc.  Nope, she was 1 foot away from me, talking directly to me, looking right at my face.  There was no where to hide.  I realized I couldn’t do any of those things.  I had no idea what to do and it freaked me out!   I couldn’t make it pass.  I really think I might have passed out if she hadn’t asked me if I was ok.  That changed the situation enough to give me a distraction and collect myself.

She asked me if I was ok.  I told her no I wasn’t and said my head was pounding.  (I didn’t know what to say!)

She took that to mean I had a migraine hit me all of the sudden.  She jumped up to offer me a drink of water.  I got a motrin from my purse and got a drink from the fountain to wash it down. I didn’t need a motrin!  But I played along.  It was better than saying, no I’m just nuts…this will pass soon if you don’t mind just letting me freak out for a minute!

We sat back down and tried to wrap up the conversation but it still drug out longer than I wanted.  I was so shaky.  She is still wonderful and I think that is why I feel so embarrassed.  I don’t like freaking out in front of someone I think so highly of.  Of course I don’t want her to think I’m crazy.

I had the panic attack because I was worried about having one. 

It wasn’t because I was in a stressful situation or a horrible place.  It was just cuz my mind took me there.  This should have been an easy situation.  This is a setback for me because I don’t think I’ll  be trying that again anytime soon.

Except that right now I’m thinking I want a do-over!  I want to go back in there tomorrow and try again!  Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way.  School is closed tomorrow or I might try it!  lol  That would be great – I could go back in, thank her for being so understanding today, ask her if there was anything else she wanted to talk about but didn’t get to since we finished quickly since I didn’t feel well.  That would be great because I really wanted to conquer this!

The fact that I wish I could do that makes me smile.  It makes me proud of myself for not just giving up and giving in to the panic monster.

Today it kicked my butt.  At least I tried though :)

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Related Posts:
Parent Teacher Conferences in One Hour

Parent- Teacher Conference Time Again

Parent – Teacher Conference Success :)

Parent – Teacher Conferences Anxiety

Free To Stress Myself Out

I am free this morning.

Kids are off to school.  Hubby is at an auction.    He left work at 4am, came home, changed, picked up his dad at 5:30 am and off they went.  The auction is about 1 1/2 hours away.  Crazy if you ask me – but these are things that John Deere fanatics do :)

So I am home alone.  This is very rare.  I have not done anything differently than normal  – I started laundry, put another coat of poly on the table I am refinishing, cleaned up a little, and sat down here at the computer to get to work.  That’s not really different. (Except that I am blogging, not working :/)  What is different is the way I feel!  I just love that I can do whatever I want and no-one is gonna question me or criticize me.  It’s freeing!  Even though I am only doing laundry etc.  My hubby has something to say about everything!  I am constantly having to explain myself or defend a decision I made.  It is exhausting!

(Occasionally I go on strike and refuse to answer his questions or defend my choices.  I tell him I’m sick of explaining myself to him and then I refuse to.  Ha.  Perhaps it’s time for that again.  See what perspective some alone time can bring :)

Unfortunately this day is stressing me out for other reasons.  I am taking Kid3 to the dentist after school today – he has cavities that need to be taken care of.  I have been putting it off because they are in his baby teeth and I was hoping they would just fall out soon.  It hasn’t happened yet.  One is looking pretty icky and is not loose at all.  He has never had this done before and is very worried that it is going to hurt.  And we all know how I love the dentist.  I’m nervous for him. I’m also nervous that I will have panic attack from having to sit there and watch.  I don’t do good with stuff like that.

To add to that, I expect to get my period today, so my hormones are in overdrive.  Hormones greatly affect my anxiety!  My anxiety levels always skyrocket when I have PMS.

I also have a gazillion upcoming events swirling around in my head that I am already starting to stress about.  Teacher conferences are in 2 weeks I think.  The spring musical is coming up in May.  The kids have started practicing their songs and whining about having to go.  Hubby already told them they had to.  It seems like the school year is going to end quickly.  Everyone is talking about all the happenings, and planning all this stuff. Kid1 has the spring formal to attend.  The band concert is coming up.  The music teacher has mentioned that she may have the 6th graders play with the band too – which means that both Kid1 & Kid2 would be in it.  Kid2 asked me to help chaperone their field trip.  Not sure yet where they are going, but a charter bus in usually involved.  Talk about feeling trapped!  How can I say no??  When your kid wants you around, you take advantage of it!  :)  And the year end awards assemblies that I absolutely LOVE (sarcasm!)?  They are coming up too only this year will be bigger.  Kid2 is “graduating” from elementary school.  They have a 6th grade graduation assembly which is longer and involves a reception type thing in the cafeteria afterward.  (Our school system has elementary school from K-6 and the the high school is grades 7-12)

I know all these things are not happening today and I need to put them out of my mind.  I know that they will not be as bad as I anticipate.  They never are.  I also know that the dentist today will be ok.  It just will.

It’s been a good while since I’ve taken any ativan.  I couldn’t remember when so I looked at my Joes Goals Log and see that it was March 1st when I took Kid1 shopping to get her dress for the formal.  (That’s a whole other post!) Very cool that’s been that long.   I can’t remember the last time I took an ativan…. I like that sentence!  So I’m gonna remind myself that I’ve been doing good, that I know it’s just hormones that are kicking my butt today, I am not insane, and it will all be OK.  And I will definitley be taking an ativan this afternoon.

And that is OK.

Parent Teacher Conferences in One Hour

Here we go again.

I just love parent teacher conferences!  Not.

I can do it.

First is the math teacher to discuss my daughter’s lack of algebra skills.

Then my son’s teacher.  This will be fine, hopefully I will hear that he is doing better and not asking to go to the nurse every single day.  He did that for quite a while, trying to wrangle his way home.

Then my middle daughter’s teacher.  This will be fun.  The teacher is Kid2’s BFF’s mom and a good friend of mine.  And Kid2 is like a star pupil, so I don’t expect any bad news.

Then, my girls & I are going shopping.

Good day ahead.

Gotta get the nerves under control and get on with it.

Kids, A Grump & Anxiety.

Brain Dump.


Hubby is not here this morning.  I feel free.  Sad.  True.  I like alone time.  I really am doing the same things I do every morning so I don’t know why it is such a big thing for  me.  But it is.  I love it.

Kid2 was in a mood this morning.  She is stubborn beyond reason.  I offered to drive them to school since she had to carry her saxophone today.  She spouted something about how they are always late when I take them – no thank you.  No, we have never once been late when I take them.  My kids have always wanted to get there after the first bell rings so they don’t have to stand outside with the big swarm of kids that then make a mad dash into the building.  We usually arrive just as that bell is ringing, or immediately after.  She has now decided that is late.  Who knew?  If she wanted to get there earlier, couldn’t she just have said that??  She was just in a mood.

Kid3 was then all upset when he heard that I had offered but she threw a fit so now they were riding the bus.  He hates the bus ride.  By the time this all came out we were already sitting at the bus stop.   Just get on the bus people!  My coffee is waiting!

Kid1 has been grounded since the report card with the D came home.  She has been studying a lot more and I thought doing better.  It was like a kick in the gut when I checked her grades this morning online and see that she got 9.5/25 on the last math quiz.  Yes.  9.5 right out of 25.  WTH?  I helped her study for that.  I thought she knew it.  The worst part is that she knew that, she had that test in her backpack and chose not to tell me.  That’s bad cuz she gets to re-take the test and we could have been studying!  She has to take it by tomorrow.  He then averages the grades of the 2 tests.  It sucks cuz even if she got 100% on the retake, she could still only get a 50%.  I guess looking at it that way, what’s the point?

I need to take some steps back from all this crap with Kid1’s grades.  Yea, I need to help her figure out what on earth the problem is this year. (Before this year she has always gotten A’s & B’s (maybe 1 c?) She had to work hard, but she was able to do it.  This year it just feels out of control.  As soon as you regroup and figure out what went wrong with one nasty grade, there is another one staring you in the face.  So, yea I need to help her and I will.  But I think I also need to realize that these are HER grades.  And not take it so personally when she fails something.  I do because I spend hours of my life almost everyday helping her / encouraging her / making her do her homework / asking her when stuff is due and trying to get her to remember to write things down and be organized.  It’s exhausting.

Like I said, I need to take a step back.  Even if she fails algebra, it is not the end of the world.  So she repeats it next year.  So that completely sucks.  It still isn’t the end of the world.  Right?  And now next week are parent teacher conferences.  Most of her teachers I just talked to via email but her math teacher would like me to come in and have a face to face chat.  LOL  Great.

I can’t stand her math teacher.  I don’t think he teaches.  This is his first year teaching algebra (He was previously a science teacher)and I really don’t think he has much of a plan.  He said at the beginning of the year that there would never be homework.  If they cover something in class and they feel like they need more practice, they should complete some problems from the book, the answers to the odd numbers are in the back of the book.  And if they still don’t understand it, they should google it.  Honest.  That is what he told them.  Seems like he is taking the easy way out to me.  If they still don’t understand it, wouldn’t you want your students to ask you questions?  It’s math for heaven sakes…homework is necessary.  And tell a class of 8th grade students that there is never any homework unless they CHOOSE to do it?  Yea, right.  All that means is that parents like me who DO care if their kid understands it become the math teachers/homework enforcers.  Ugh.

So this conference should be interesting for sure.  :D

I have an eye doctor appointment tomorrow.  I hate going to these appointments.  They have all those machines in dark rooms.  It makes me feel trapped.  You know – the one that blows air in your eyeball.  And the one that takes a pic inside your eye.  And then you sit in that chair with that contraption in front of you while he says #1 or #2? repeatedly until you find the right prescription.  I hate it.  But I need to go.  So I will go.  Yes, I will.

And hubby has been sleep deprived this week so he has been grumpy.  It is his own fault he is sleep deprived – that’s why it pisses me off.  And he will never never never admit that is why he is grumpy.

Yesterday Jill posted about having an anxiety filled day.  It’s like she was here with me!  (Hi Jill!) I was jumping out of my skin yesterday.  I really really really wanted to take an ativan.  But I didn’t.  I’m glad I didn’t but it was very hard!  I did deep breathing.  I lit my candle.  I took breaks from working on the computer and tried to distract myself.  I did finally feel better and relax some after Kid1 and I took a walk when she got home from school.  She’s back to hating me for making her walk by the way.  Yay.  But the exercise did help my nerves.  I should have gone for a walk sooner.

Guess I just needed to vent this morning.

Happy Happy Day.  I need to be done with this complaining crap and get on with it.  I have work deadlines looming over me and I need to focus!

Help with Algebra

Just in case anyone is interested.  I found this program online to help my daughter with math.

It’s called Algebra Upgrade.  It is upbeat and fun and has music that she sometimes thinks is corny, but the songs stick in your head and you find yourself singing along :)

So far we have just signed up for the free 7 day trial but I am completely impressed!

She went through 4 lessons last night without too much protesting.  And one lesson she kept repeating to get a better score even though it did let her continue on.  She wanted to get 100% in it and kept re-doing it.  What they are doing in class right now corresponds with lesson 33 in this program but truly – she has learned things in lesson 3 that she should have already known.  So yes, she is behind and I’m not sure how it will work to help her immediately, but it will definitely help in the long run.  After the trial period it is $50 for 6 months access.  Seems well worth it!  Let’s hope it helps!

They have a reading comprehension program also – that has always been a struggle for her.  Perhaps that will be a summer activity for her….. She’ll be thrilled.  lol

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.