At Home in My Own Home

I watched the movie Dreamgirls for the first time in April 2012. I wrote about it here.

It was on TV this weekend.  I found it as I was flipping through the channels.   Funny that it was almost to the part that touched my soul last time.  The song Listen was SO powerful to me last time.  I had watched it again and again and then found it on youtube later.  This time, I was alone in my bedroom and turned it up loud.  I didn’t feel it.  I even got distracted by my phone during that scene.  Later, laying in my bed with my hubby snoring next to me, I thought about it some more.  I don’t feel that way anymore.  I DO feel at home in my own home now.  I DO feel like he hears me again.

THANK YOU LORD.

I am glad I happened upon the movie this weekend.  I am glad to be able to see the progress in my life.  I am also grateful for the reminder to stay strong and be who I am.

My Marriage is Good & Other Random Updates

Hi.  It’s been a while.  Just the usual busyness of life.  Funny how the blog posts still play in my head though.  I have all sorts of thing to say when I’m in the middle of other things and no time to type.  Then I come here and don’t remember what I wanted to say… lol

I set the time for an hour and gave myself permission to update my blog instead of working or cleaning :)

Let’s see… Marriage – Really good.  Amazing.  So awesome that I can say my marriage is good!  Yay!  I believe he has turned a corner and is truly coming out of the fog of anger and misery that he has been living in the past few years.  He laughs a lot now.  And smiles.

THANK YOU LORD!

I’m still getting used to it.  I’m still trying to let my guard down and trust him again.  I am constantly waiting for a negative reaction from him.  I still expect him to blow up over all sorts of stupid things.  He keeps proving me wrong and amazing me.  I think the kids are feeling the same , someone says or does something that used to fire him up in a ridiculous, completely unnecessary way – and we all kind of just wait and maybe look at each other with an “Oh no” type of look… and then he handles it like a normal person.  And then we all breathe a silent sigh of relief and life goes on.

I feel like I can say whatever I want to now.  Well not ANYTHING – I still try to be tactful and I am working my way up to some things…. one step at a time right!?

I point things out to him all the time though.  I’m not trying to nag him – I just want him to see things in a different way.  I want him to see how the rest of us look at the things that he gets ticked off about.  This past weekend – several times he yelled “You people!”  like he was disgusted about something we’d all done.   One was about the dishwasher, the other was about a clogged toilet.   So on Sunday morning while we were drinking coffee and gabbing, I said “Think you can get through the day without yelling “You people!” at us?”  I said it with a smile and in a relaxed way so he wouldn’t feel attacked and we wouldn’t have to get in a fight about it.  He said he just says that cuz he doesn’t know who did it and he’s talking to all of us.  I said yelling you people and storming away doesn’t do anything except make us wonder what hes ticked off  about now. He said he wasn’t ticked off. He just wanted people to know … blah blah blah.  I think the rest of the story is irrelevant.  The point is that we talk about this stuff now.  We talk TO each other now.  I call him on his crappy behavior.  And don’t worry he calls me on mine – he always has.  lol  But now he does it in a nicer way.

We have been watching American idol together as a family the way we used to.  Sounds corny I guess but there are so few things on TV that we all want to watch.   Not all of the kids are always there but whoever is home comes to the living room and we hangout and watch and laugh and talk at commercials :)  At first he made a comment about not liking Harry.  I said why?? cuz he’s a hottie??  He just looked at me and frowned.   Well he’s changed his mind and thinks he’s hilarious now.  But compare this to when the guy at the grocery store told me I have beautiful eyes and hubby sulked and was a jerk for days…. I called another guy a hottie TO HIS FACE and all he did was frown!

Don’t want this to get real long and hard to read.  I have a bunch of draft posts that I started and plan to look through here now and post or trash them.  Things are going to be all out of order.  And probably contradictory too.    Yes, my marriage is pretty good.  Better than its been in a lot of years.  That being said, he still pisses me off.  ha  Some days he still does some really jerky things.  I’m not saying its all fixed.  I’m saying it is SSSOOOOO much better.

I apologize in advance for the randomness of my updates, if I stress about doing this “right” I wont do it and then I’ll get further behind.  This blog is my place to vent, not a place that should stress me out about not doing it right, all in order etc.  Just saying. Ok.  Bye!

Meeting with a Maybe Millionaire

I have a phone meeting at 11 this morning with a millionaire old guy from Florida.  lol  He is a new client that I have only spoken to via email so far.  I think it will be fine.  I know my stuff.  I have my marketing recommendations for his websites ready.  I do not know for a fact that he is a millionaire, but he very well could be.  I’ve seen his many websites and the gross sales that he gets from them.  He is a rich guy.  Maybe he’ll think I’m awesome and send me a bonus just for the fun of it.  lol  A girl can dream!

I took half an ativan cuz I’m freaking out just a little.  Just a little though so that is a big improvement.  In the past, meetings like this have given me anxiety and panic attacks for days.  HUGE improvement!  Thank you Lord!

Thank You Lord for…. Sleet!

Yep, sleet and icy roads got me out of my doctor’s appointment this morning.  School was cancelled and the roads were slick.  The appointment has been changed.  Woo hoo!

“Not Quite 8 Hours a Day”

A conversation a few days ago:

Me: I’ve worked 52 hours in the last 7 days.

Hubby: If you think about it, that’s not quite 8 hours a day.

Me:  That really makes me want to flip you off.

Here’s the thing.  I work from home.  I log in and out all day long.  If I go pee, I log out.  If I make some tea, I log out.  If I get a personal phone call, I log out.  If someone knocks on my door, I log out.  I worked in an office for 8 years so I have something to compare this to.  Not trying to tick anyone off but think about it.  When I went to work everyday and hung out in my cubicle, I still got paid if I went to the bathroom or heated up my tea.  I got paid if I got a personal call at work.  I got paid for the chit-chat at the water cooler. I did not log out every time I left my desk.  Imagine how long people would have to be at work everyday if their 8 hours were required to be 8 very focused hours that included none of these things.

My point is that it takes me longer to log 8 actual hours of work.  AND when it is not the busy retail season, I usually work about 30 hours/week.

So this is a huge jump in hours for me.  Yay for the cash.  Boo for my aching butt sitting in this chair!  Boo for my kids not even bothering to look for me anymore cuz they already know where I am and that I ‘can’t talk right now’.  I have been feeling crazy and tired and very frazzled.  I was proud of those hours, and amazed at them, and irritated by them all at the same time.  I wanted him to say “Wow! You’ve been working hard! ”  Ha.  Never works out the way I imagine it.

So I left the room after that conversation because I was so tired I think I would have had a complete meltdown if the conversation had continued.

THE NEXT DAY… Hubby made supper.  It was a weird supper but he made it and I didn’t even ask him to.  That made it delicious.  THEN he had the kids empty the dishwasher and load it but said that he would WASH THE PANS.

What else?  I heard him out there delegating chores to the kids.  This is usually my job and I am the meanie who makes them clean things up.  He was doing it.  They were finishing homework, and taking out the trash, and putting stuff away.  And I didn’t have to say a word.  At one point I thought that I should probably go pitch in.  But I didn’t.  Ha.  It was awesome to listen to from another room.  And instead of hearing “But M-O-M its not my turn to put away the silverware! I did it last time!” they complained to him.  Loved it!  And they were amazed that HE was washing dishes.

Hubby is still helping out more. Not as much but some.  And when something needs to be done – it seems like he considers that it might actually be HIM who should do it instead of everything being up to me.  That’s awesome.

Kid2 mentioned it yesterday. “Mom!  Dad washed dishes.  Dad cooked.  Dad wrote the grocery list.  What is UP with him?”  lol

I’m sure it wont stay this way – but its nice now and I plan to enjoy it while it lasts.

Happy Thanksgiving

Hello All!

I hope everyone is having a great Thanksgiving weekend.

Kids are off school, tons of work to be done, but enjoying it and hubby has been pretty agreeable.

I am thankful :)

THANK YOU LORD!

Back to The Real World

We are back from vacation.  Feeling rested and renewed.  THANK YOU LORD!

(Too bad we all brought colds home with us! )

Not fun to be back into the routine already, but it is what it is and I plan to do better!  I am determined to manage my time better, get more sleep, exercise more, eat better, etc.

Funny how going on vacation kind of has the same effect as a new year.  You have  a new perspective, you re-assess your goals and feel like you are making a fresh start :)

Below is a link to an interesting infographic I came across this morning while catching up on my email.  It’s called “How Social Media Distracts You at Work”.  The problem is that part of my job involves managing social media accounts for clients.  This becomes a problem because then my own accounts are on my screen also.  (Facebook, twitter, pinterest, linked in, digg, etc!) And yes it is way too easy to get distracted by that!

I’ve read before about planning your social media times, like you check it 3 times/day or something.  And you set the times.  Or you plan to check it only after project X has been completed.  I definitely need to do something like this and be more productive!

http://mashable.com/2012/09/24/social-media-work-distractions/

Working the Concession Booth – Still Anxiety Free :)

Today I worked in the concession booth at the baseball field for a few hours.  I am happy to report that it was a drama free / anxiety free experience.  THANK YOU LORD!   I am thrilled that I still have that conquered.  Last year during football season I worked hard to beat that fear in the concession booth at the football games.

AND lol… guess who worked it with me?  My What If Guy!  And his wife too.  Ha.  When he showed up my first reaction was “Oh crap!” cuz I thought I’d be uncomfortable.  And I also was thinking that hubby would be jealous and stupid.  But I talked it out with myself…. in my head of course, while making a gazillion fried oreos.  (Yuk for the grease factor but wow those things are a hit with the kids – we sold so many!)  I decided I wasn’t gonna feel bad about it or be nervous about it and I do not have to answer to my hubby about being in the same location as an old boyfriend.  It wasn’t planned, it was innocent and that is life.  And then I felt better and had a few laughs with my former dream guy.

A little baseball brag…..  Kid3’s team had an awesome regular season.  Their record was 14-2.  They won big most of the time too.  Word has been getting around how good they are and we have teams from farther away that are not in our usual league that have been wanting to play us.  So now All-Stars tournaments have begun – and his team is even better than the regular season team because they pick the top players from all our teams to form the all-stars team….

We’ve played 2 teams this weekend that we have never played before – from much larger towns, who entered our tournament to give us some competition and, as one of the team’s coaches said it, “Put us back in our place .”  Ha Ha.  It’s not over, but we have played 3 games so far and have won 16-1,  12-1, and then last night 14-1.  And the team we played last night were the cocky ones that we were very worried about playing.  I truly didn’t expect to beat them by that much!

Kid 3 had some good hits last night, one REALLY great hit – that only got him to 2nd but brought in 2 runs.  Oh and he caught a pop up and got an out that way :)  They all played so well tonight!  The tournament’s not over, we play at least 2 more games but it’s so much fun!

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Related Posts:

Working the Concession Booth  – OK guys.  Be proud of me.  Be very very proud. Well maybe hold your applause until I report back…. Tomorrow night I am scheduled to work in the concession booth at the football game.  I have been successfully avoiding this for 2 years. ……

The Concession Booth was so much FUN! – Follow up to Working the Concession Booth . It was so much fun.  Want to say I told you so?  Go ahead – I won’t even mind cuz you were right! I’m glad my ….

Concession Booth: Checked off my List – Last night was the last Thursday night I’ll spend at the concession booth until next year. This was one of the things on my “To Conquer” list.  That’s my list of things that I need to work on – my way of fighting back against panic attacks……

My Life is My Responsibility

It’s been a busy busy week.  I saw this today and wanted to remember it and share it here quickly :)

Just a reminder that I am responsible for my own life, I have choices even when it doesn’t feel like it.

It is ultimately up to me.

Well I guess it is really up to God.  I just need to cooperate :)

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. “
-Jeremiah 29:11

Just a Weird Story about Helping Others

Sunday morning:

This weekend I tried to buy a used laptop.  I answered a for sale ad and then emailed back & forth with the lady all weekend – trying to meet with her so I could see it.   She had many excuses and the timing was always wrong.  I had given her my phone number but she wouldn’t call me and ignored my requests for hers.  It would have been so much simpler than the way we were communicating.

Her car broke down, her kids were sleeping, she has no stroller, her boyfriend doesn’t get off work until 5… these were just a few of the reasons she kept changing the time we were supposed to meet.  We were going to meet at a shopping center near her home.

Finally in one of the emails she said that she suffers from anxiety and doesn’t go anywhere alone.  I think perhaps she doesn’t like talking to strangers on the phone either.  It made more sense then.  This was a major stressor for her.  And she was trying to figure out how to meet with me – but not do it alone I guess.  I feel for her.  It made me grateful for how far I’ve come – fighting back against anxiety / panic attacks.

We still have not figured out a time and I’m ready to just tell her to forget it.  At the same time I want to push her to do this – even though it is uncomfortable for her.  I don’t even know her.  I did not say any of this to her of course.  And it’s really none of my business.  But as a fellow anxiety sufferer I want to help her!  I want to talk to her about it.  I want her to get better.

In the last email she asked if I could just come to her house instead of meeting her at the shopping center.  She sounded so frustrated.  I feel weird about doing that.  Especially when she gave me the address and sorry but it is not a great section of town, which made me wonder if the laptop was really what she described.  But she said her dad gave it to her and she was going to go back to school but isn’t now because she is pregnant.  Anyway, I am not going there myself.  Perhaps hubby will go with me later.  Perhaps he will have a fit that I even want to buy the thing and refuse.  Maybe he’ll be grumpy when he gets home.  Maybe not.  Who knows.

Sunday Evening Update:

Hubby went with me to check out the laptop.  The whole situation just got weirder.  When we knocked on the door, there was a bunch of whispering before they finally opened it.  She had her very little girl open the door while she hid behind it – just quickly peeking her head out a few times.  We went in, the boyfriend was sitting on the couch watching TV, all decked out in black and wearing those weird earrings that stretch the earlobes all out in the grossest way ever.

She looked like she had been crying.  She quietly said that she really didn’t want to sell the laptop anymore – she really wanted to keep it.  She felt bad that we wasted gas money to drive there and she looked terrified that we would be mad. We weren’t mad.  Surprised and confused, yes.  We handed it back to her and said that was ok, don’t worry about it.  She talked in circles – her daughter has autism and their bills are so high, the kids need clothes and the money from the laptop was to buy them clothes, she can’t stand to part with the laptop and really needs to keep it. …

Hubby and I made a pretty quick exit.  It was very awkward.  We got to the car and hubby made a joke about how he thought HE got himself into some weird situations but I had him beat with this one.  If he would not have come with me, I would not have gone in.  Seriously, I would have turned the car around and drove right back home.  It was a scary looking place.  I feel for her!  I think she must have some mental issues.  We think maybe the boyfriend was fighting with her about selling it or something.  He never even acknowledged our presence in the apartment and we were about 5 feet from him.

When we got home there was already another email from her apologizing again.  And once again she contradicted herself – in the same paragraph she said she’s sorry and said again why she had to keep it and then the last sentence said “If you are still interested, I promise you won’t leave empty-handed this time.”   WHAT?

I just replied and told her that if she ever decided FOR SURE that she wanted to sell it she should let me know.  I don’t want it at all at this point.  The whole situation was just way weird and I’m not sure what to make of it.  After we left I told hubby I felt like I should have just given her the money anyway.  They are obviously struggling.  I was surprised that hubby did not disagree.

At Christmas I usually send an anonymous gift card for a grocery store or somewhere to someone in need.  When I was a Girl Scout leader, it was easy to see who needed help.  I didn’t do that this past year – I guess because no one popped up on my radar.  Now, I feel like I was supposed to meet her.  Maybe I can help her?  She said she has anxiety and that struck a chord with me.  (That maybe explains her hiding behind the door?)

Hubby is more pessimistic – about everything really – he doesn’t want me to send her $ – he says the creepy boyfriend will just take it.  So I am going to buy a grocery gift card or 2 and send them her way occasionally.  Anonymously of course.  And maybe a Walmart GC.  Not big amounts.  I don’t have big amounts.  The way I look at it – the next time you are at Walmart, before you checkout  – take a look in your cart – what do you really not need?  You know there will be extra stuff in there.  Put it back and buy a gift card instead.  Send it on it’s way – it will make someone’s day.  (Hey I rhymed! lol)

My point:  I’m glad I met her.  I feel like God had a purpose for that.  Perhaps it is helping her buy some groceries.  Or perhaps there is something I can say – or write in an email that will make a difference in her life and help her deal with the anxiety.  Perhaps simply praying for her will help her.  I don’t know but it all keeps replaying in my mind.  And it shook hubby up a bit too.  It makes you remember to be grateful for everything you have.  We have our own home.  My family is healthy.  My hubby is not creepy :)  I am very blessed.

THANK YOU LORD!

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.