My mom came to all my games?

I made it through the volleyball game with my mother.  She was nice and I’m glad she came. I could tell hubby felt a little weird about it too but he did ok talking to her.  She and stepdad want to come to the next home game too.  We’ll see if she follows through with that.

I have vented on here before about how she never came to my games etc when I was a teenager.  I said to her last night that I don’t remember her coming to many of my games.  She said “what?!?  I think I came to all of them!  We sat right over there.”  She said she brought my little bro & sis and my dad popped in maybe for maybe one game a year.

Hmmm.  Ok, so do I really just remember it wrong?  I will have to ask my older sister today who played also.  I remember that we would go to the pay phone in the lobby and call home and click the receiver so we didn’t have to pay and she would know that we were ready to be picked up.  I remember waiting in the gym lobby after many games – waiting for our ride.

It was sad actually to realize all the things my mom doesn’t know about my world.  She asked if Kid1 had been in the agricultural parade with the band, they didn’t see her.  I said yes she was there.  I said Kid2 was there too.  They asked what did she do in the parade?  I said she is in band too.  Oh.  awkward silence.  What does she play?  The sax.

Also, Kid1 started at the vocational school this year, so she splits her days between there and the high school.  For this program she is also dual enrolled in a local community college so that she can earn college credits for her courses at the vocational school.  This was a big decision and a we talked about it a lot while she was trying to decide.  My mom had no idea that she was doing this.  That is crazy sad.  She is so removed from our lives.  :(

As far as the bleachers go, well I was double dosed on ativan – so I was fine.  Ugh.

I know there is no real “normal” but I still want to be normal.

You will never know how BADLY I want to just be normal.

My nerves are shot.  I don’t know how to stop this anxiety.  I don’t want to have to be medicated the rest of m life just so I can be normal.

I AM SO SICK OF IT!

Yesterday I had a meeting (yuk) at Panera (Yum!) with a new client.

Yesterday I got a haircut.

Tonight is Kid’2 first basketball game in the big gym.

Tonight is Kid1’s first volleyball game in the big gym, right after Kid2’s game.

On the upside, I’m going to get a LOT of exposure therapy in that gym tonight.

Down side, I feel insane and of course family members will be there to support my girls (yay) and watch me crumble (boo).

Today isnt fun and I hate it.

It ticks me off.

Dear God,   Thank you for ativan today.

Volleyball games: Progress

Tonight is the last home volleyball game.  Woo hoo!  I’m breathing a HUGE sigh of relief!

I can almost say I did it.  I did it!  It has been hard.  I still don’t love those bleachers but I’m getting used to them.  Yay.

Last week was ‘Pink Night’ for breast cancer awareness.  I even sat at a little table in a stuffy corner of the lobby and sold t-shirts and collected donations.  That actually wasn’t too terrible.  My BFF and I volunteered together and we laughed a lot which certainly takes my mind off of my anxiety.

Tonight is senior night and while that has absolutely nothing to do with me or my kid, it is something different that is happening there in my beloved gym.  I am finally able to stand through the national anthem , which has been really really hard for me  – ever since this happened (for anyone who might wonder what my problem is!) Now there will be more announcements and little speeches etc and that will make me uncomfortable.  I know it makes no sense.  Don’t ever expect panic attacks to make sense.  They just don’t.

There is one more volleyball event after this actually.  At some point they will have the fall sports assembly.  That is held in the auditorium where we have the Christmas musicals etc.  It’s got me a little nervous even though I have no idea when it even is.  I just know it’s coming and it will be another day that I fret about – even though I will try hard not to!

When I was in school…. ha.  Doesn’t everyone love stories that start out like that? When I was in school, we had sports banquets.  Praise the Lord they don’t do that anymore!  That would be serious torture  – the panic monster would LOVE that!

The point of this post is that I don’t feel like I have actually conquered these volleyball games and the gym, but I have certainly made progress. So this doesn’t get to go on my ‘Conquered List‘ just yet.  That’s OK.  It’s really OK. Hopefully Kid1 will play again next year and I’ll get to work on it some more!

When I have some time I want to sift through my old posts and make an actual Conquered List!  That would be an awesome reminder that I can beat these stupid panic attacks and get my life back!

Bleachers Anxiety: Too Much Ativan

We went.  We sweat.  We had fun.

I was SO tired when I drove Kid1 to the gym.  I took too much ativan.  :(

Monday evening I was stressing about this, so I zoned out watching re-runs of “Friends” on TV.  I stayed up too late even though I know better.  Then  I took an ativan so I could finally chill and get some sleep.  Then I took 1/2 an ativan this morning – around 10 I think.   Then I took the other half when I got out of the shower around 12:30.  Then I took a whole ativan at 3:30 to prepare for the evening.   That is a lot.  That is really sucky.

I wanted to be numb to it.  And I certainly was.  I couldn’t stop yawning at the game.  I’ll bet I could have fallen asleep right there in the bleachers if I let myself.

But it worked.  The bleachers weren’t a problem at all.  They even played the national anthem before the game.  As soon as I realized that was about to happen, I had flashbacks of my panic attack at the football game.  My stomach did a flip and I probably turned a weird shade of green.  I stood though and my knees did not give out.

We sat near the side doors of the gym at  Hubby’s request because it was so stinking hot in there.  Go hubby :)  It’d be nice to think that he remembered that I need to sit there, where it is cooler and has at least a little bit of a breeze coming in from outside.  (And where I could easily leave the gym if I wanted to.) I think he was just hot though.

My BFF, her mom, and her son sat with us.  We gabbed, we cheered, it was fun.

So I did it.  I knew it wouldn’t be as bad as I was expecting.  It never is.

And now we get to do it all over again tomorrow night.  Yippee.  I’ll dial back the ativan though.

Oh, and both JV & Varsity won their games.  They’re off to a great start!  Kid1 didn’t play, but didn’t mind either.

I am still so stinkin tired – I feel like I can’t see straight!  I’ll wait to publish this until tomorrow when my head is clearer.  Good night all!

Bleachers Anxiety: Getting My Crazy Out

It is past noon and I am still sitting in the recliner in the living room.  I’ve been here since I got the kids off to school.  I sat quietly for a while.  I had a power nap.  I listened to an anxiety hypnosis recording.  I took 1/2 an ativan.

I have been re-reading my old blog posts about anxiety and bleachers.

I worked a tiny bit – enough to answer client emails at least.

Tonight is Kid1’s first volleyball game in the high school gym.  The same gym where the school musical in held.  And the crowded basketball games that I like to avoid.

I hate sitting in those bleachers.  Hate it.  Yet here we go.  She has a game there tonight AND tomorrow night.

I started stressing out last night.  I stayed in a TV fog, trying to distract myself.

It is the worst time of the month for this to happen also of course.  Why does it always seem to work out this way??

I feel calmer now.  I took 1/2 an ativan this morning and am planning to take a whole ativan at 3:30.  That will get it in my system and working full force by the time we go at 5:00.

Kid1 is on the JV team and most likely will not even get to play tonight.  The coach says the JV team has to stay for the Varsity games too.  Ugh.  So that is a long night.  They play the best out of 5 games?  UGH!

And to add to that – the volleyball boosters do some kind of fund-raising event between games 2 & 3 of the varsity games.  They say they will need 8 or 9 parents to help.  No thank you.  I just want left alone to deal with this my own way tonight.  Going down on the court to participate in some kind of game is not in my plans!  I just hope enough other parents volunteer so that I’m not put on the spot.  I will help with that at some point in the future.  AFTER I get these bleachers figured out.

Hubby and Kids 2 & 3 are coming too.  I told hubby I wanted to sit near the bottom and off to the side near the door.  He just said something about how we’ll have to see how crowded it gets.  I don’t think he gets it.  I don’t talk to him about my anxiety a lot – so he may not get how very important that is to me.  Although he does know some about it.  Guess we’ll see how it goes.  Kid1 has to be there at 5, game doesn’t start until 6.  I think I’ll just stay in there when I take her at 5 and I’ll certainly get to choose the seats I want by being there that early.  Hubby can just bring other kids with him closer to 6 if he doesn’t want to be there that early.

My BFF will be there too.  We are thrilled that our kids are actually playing the same sport at the same time for once.  We’re looking forward to gab sessions during the games.  She is a person that likes to sit right in the middle of things tho so I’m not sure where she’ll sit.  If I get a seat first, perhaps she’ll sit near me.  If she picks a seat first and it is high up in those bleachers, I will not be sitting with her.

Yes, this is bringing out the crazy in me.  Most people think – hey we’re going to my kids volleyball game tonight.  That’ll be fun! – and that’s the end of it.  My mind works overtime and stresses me out!

Well now that I have thought this to death, tonight will hopefully be much better than I am anticipating.  It usually works out that way.

Maybe if I get all the crazy out now, it will be gone by 5:00!

I was stressing out earlier about going to the away games.  That just adds a whole new element to crowded bleachers.  Unfamiliar crowded bleachers are even worse!  But Kid1 has informed me that coach said she will hardly ever play in the actual games this year.  She told her to look at this as a learning year.  Which is good.  And what Kid1 needs.  So then Kid1 said it was OK if we didn’t come to all her away games.  Glad she said it cuz that was my plan anyway when I heard she wouldn’t be playing!  They have 2-3 games a week so that is a LOT of running around.

So to continue my very unproductive day, I am going to go take a shower.  Then I’ll have to dig something out of the freezer to feed my family for supper.   I’ll take ativan at 3:30.  I’ll help with homework, feed people, and get us out of the house by 4:50.  I can do this, yes I can.

Please just pray for me. Pray that it goes well tonight because we have to go back and do the same again tomorrow night!

THANK YOU LORD for this blog where I can vent my crazy and still keep it together for my family.

My Busy Kids Update

School started Monday.  I am slowly slowly getting the house back in order and trying to find a routine that works again.

Kid3 was going to sign up for football but then changed his mind.  His chest is still giving him trouble where he got hit with that baseball in June!  Crazy.  It seems to get sore very quickly, like it is weak in that spot now.

Kid2 started Jr High which is really the same as high school in our very small town.  Same building although they do attempt to keep the older kids at the other end of the building.  She was extremely nervous but has since relaxed.  She has always been good at making friends so she settled right in.  She joined the marching band.  She plays the saxophone.  There were 2 weeks of band camp and she has already been in 2 parades.  Our first high school football game is tomorrow  night so that will be her first performance on the field.  She is not looking forward to that and keeps practicing her backwards marching that they do in one song that always messes her up  :)

Kid1 is now a freshman.  Crazy.  She is still in band.  She plays the clarinet.  The big news with her is that she joined the volleyball team!  Yay!!  You have no idea what a big deal this is!  As in getting her to take a walk around the block with me was torture for her!  She is still trying to lose weight and has not been very successful.  There is no way that she won’t lose weight now.  They have been practicing for 2.5 hours a night, 4 nights a week.  This is the 3rd week of that I think.  Games start next week.  I am SO proud of her.  When all her muscle are aching and it is hard for her to walk up the stairs she just says “It’s ok.  Volleyball is fun.”  YAY again!

Kid1 is behind on her volleyball skills.  She is very new at this and the rest of the team has gone to volleyball camps and most girls play basketball too so they are in shape.  She will be a bench warmer this season.  Her coach told her she will probably not get to play at all this year.  That is still ok.  I am more excited about the exercise she is getting than the sport.  Ha.  And she is having fun being a part of the team and I think she is proud of herself too.  I ranted a little about her uniforms over on Roots To Blossom blog but basically they are tight and skimpy and really not flattering at all.  Especially for the girls who are not skinny as toothpicks.  Kid1 has more confidence than I ever had and wears it anyway.  Doesn’t seem to bother her at all.  I’m glad.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.