I Hated Him for about an Hour

I haven’t felt a lot of anger towards my husband for a while.  Things are getting better with us.  I am amazed and grateful.

Yesterday he made a decision that was completely insensitive and he would not hear a word I had to say about it.  He made the decision cuz he was mad, he put up his wall and wouldn’t hear another word about it.  Oh my it made me mad!

He wouldn’t hear my opinion about it.  He wouldn’t explain his reason for the decision.  He just kept saying “It’s done.”  What that meant was that I had no say and he didn’t care AT ALL what I thought.

I yelled.  I really yelled.  I’m not proud of that.  And of course he turned it all around and it was no longer about him being a jerk, it was about me being a lunatic.  Sigh.  Yes, I acted like a lunatic with my yelling.  But he acted like an insensitive jerk first!  Can you hear the whining in my voice?! lol  We both handled it wrong and in case you needed me to confirm it for you, two wrongs still don’t make a right. :/

It turned out alright but what surprised me was how much anger I felt towards him.  All those thoughts about kicking him out of the house, and how I should have left him long ago, and…. that all came flying back at me hard and hit me in the face.

It’s like we have come SO FAR, that when things like this happen, it scares the crap out of me, my reaction is to fight like heck, fearing that we are headed back to where we were at our worst.  We have come too far to let that happen.  I WILL NOT GO BACK THERE.  NO WAY.

I think that was why it hit me so hard.  I think that is why I got SO mad at him.  I never wanted to see that jerk side of him again.  Ever.  But it’s still in there I guess.  Just like my lunatic melt down side of me still exists.  In my defense, I believe my inner lunatic was born to defend myself against the jerk.  Yep, I’m blaming him.  Ha.  But I think it’s true.  I used to be a pretty rational person.  He has infuriated me so much over the past few years though that I turned to my inner lunatic to fight back.

Well this post didn’t go where I had planned.  I planned to say that the negative, hateful feelings I had towards my hubby yesterday really surprised me.  I had not felt that in quite a while and the meltdown yesterday reminded me how far we’ve come.

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2 Hours of Sleep is NOT Enough

Oh  my gosh he is so grumpy today!

I know why.  He only slept about 2 hours yesterday.

When he kept losing it over stupid stuff I checked the computer history.  He got online at 12:05pm.  Busted.

He laid down on the couch right when we were leaving yesterday morning to go to the lake with my sisters and families.  That was about 10am.  He lied and told me that he got up around 2:00.  Even if he HAD slept until 2:00 – that would have only been 4 hours.  Now that I know he was up at noon… 2 Hours of sleep!

No wonder he is being a jerk!

Kid3 was anxiously waiting for him to get home from work this morning.  They are going to the camp with the in-laws this weekend and Kid3 wanted to get the 4-wheelers loaded up.  Hubby told him last night to be ready this morning cuz they were going to do that as soon as he got home from work.  Hubby was rude immediately and yelled at him when Kid3 asked if he could take some k’nex too.  It was such a let down.

Here the kid was being excited for his dad to come home – and gets yelled at pretty much immediately for nothing.  He did nothing wrong.  Kid3 came and told me he made dad mad.  I said “How!?!  It’s not your fault he is grumpy!”  He said “I asked him a question mom, he didn’t like it.”

Aarrgh.  I made sure kid3 understood that it had NOTHING to do with him.  We talked about how he probably was tired and didn’t sleep much yesterday – at that point I thought it was 4 hours….

You know what though – that is not an excuse that works for me.  It’s getting very old – yes, dad is being an ass once again – he is sleep-deprived and that is why…  too bad!  It is his own fault that he isn’t sleeping enough!
Then the rest of us have to deal with it.  Have I told you how much I hate third shift?!?

Even when I try to be all objective and refuse to allow it to get to me…. it’s still crap that he does that to us.  And the kids don’t see it objectively at all.  Not cool.

This morning hubby was watching the news in the living room and after a bit I went out and said hello and I said “Whats up with you?”  He said “nothing” in a very disgusted loud voice.  He knew he was being ridiculous.  He knew it.  Then he started telling me about how the neighbor mowed too far over on our property again and that set him off this morning.  This ticks him off horribly.  I kinda get that – but really he just mowed right out along the road – he probably thought he was being helpful.  Hubby was spewing about how he is going to have to have words with him.

Umm…. please don’t piss off some more neighbors dear …  That never works out well.

I didn’t say much when he was telling me all that.  I learned long ago that it does no good to try to reason with him when he is those moods.  Later, when he is calm and not so low on sleep, he will see that his rage is not necessary.  Oh, I’m sure he’ll still be ticked off about it – but not so intensely!

Know what else kid3 said?  We were talking about how dad wasn’t being nice cuz he was so tired and it wasn’t kid3’s fault.   I said I know it still hurts though doesn’t it?  He said yea.   I said something about how we need to remember that and be careful not to hurt each other with our words.

He said “I’ll have to remember that so my kids don’t hate me.”

Ouch.

That makes my heart ache.

Life Goes On

We’re talking again.  The refrigerator broke.  We had to discuss it.

He asked if I am happier today.
I said “I guess I’m supposed to be sorry for yelling at you, but I’m not.”
He said ” I don’t blame you.”
I asked him if he heard me yet.
He said “How could I not?”

And life goes on.  I don’t expect anything to change.

On a happier note….

My daughter is going to the formal tonight.  She lost 7 pounds  – the dress she loved motivated her :)  She insisted it was the one even though it was too tight.  She convinced me she could lose 8 pounds in 4 weeks and begged me to buy it anyway.  She lost 7.   She tried it on a few days ago and it zipped up so easily – she was thrilled!  I’m so proud of her!

Awkward.

Tonight is going to be awkward.

We had a fight.  I yelled at him.  I was not nice at all.

Now the kids are coming home from school.  Hubby will be awake soon.

I won’t know what to do with myself.

I want to ignore him completely.  That’s hard to do though when the kids are here.

It’s gonna completely suck.

And he will hold a grudge about this one for a long time.  Oh yes.

Since I am the one that lost it and yelled – – I’m sure he has already decided that he has done no wrong and every problem we have is my fault.

He will talk to the kids extra sweetly tonight cuz that is what he does when he is mad at me.

He will not look at me and will  ignore me all evening.  Even when we are in the same room.  Even when the whole family is talking about whatever.  It will be obvious to all that he is hating me.

Can’t wait.

I Know Better

Wow.

So hubby came home and I sat here a while before I went out to talk to him.  I wanted to say the right thing.  I know I get one shot to start the conversation off right.  I don’t want him to get all defensive and refuse to talk about this.

I went to the kitchen.  He acted like nothing was even wrong.  Cuz in his mind there isn’t.  To him it is completely normal to talk to me that way.
We talked about the kids and the plans for the day.

“Why did you get so defensive this morning?  I was not criticizing your plan.  I was just asking about it.”

His face turned cold and tightened up.  Here we go.

We were talking, basically disagreeing.  I was trying to explain to him once again that I did not mean what he thinks I did.  He was saying that he will build it wherever he wants.  I said I never even said anything about that!  We went back & forth.

(Once – 12 years ago – I had an opinion about where he wanted to build a garage.  He wanted to put it in the back yard very close to the house.  We have a good bit of ground so I suggested moving it out further – I will pay for that remark until the day I die.  Ridiculous.)

We had the same argument we’ve had a million times.

I said something to the effect that it doesn’t matter what I say cuz he doesn’t care anyway.

He said “I’m listening to the part that makes sense. I’m not even hearing the rest – you know better.”

I know better?

I went off.  Oh my.

It won’t matter though.  He never hears me.

Words of Wisdom from My Child

Hubby and I have been arguing a lot lately.  We’ve been doing pretty good at keeping it away from our kids.  That being said it is also crystal clear to everyone that things are tense and not very happy between us.  Then at supper the other night I was very snippy with him and pretty much disagreed with everything he said.  That ticked him off and got him yelling.  Sorry but I truly did disagree with what he was telling them!  He was being so arrogant – it made me mad.  I didn’t need to be snippy and that wasn’t cool – but I’m human.  I really wanted to yell  “ARE YOU INSANE?!?!?” so snippy was actually a nice compromise :) I’m done biting my tongue remember?!

He yelled, stomped out, and went to the garage.

I composed myself and went to find my girls who were in their bedroom painting nails and singing to the radio.  I told them that I was sorry about the blow up and I wish our home was more a more peaceful place for them.

Kid2 said

“You don’t have to apologize!  It all started cuz he can’t control his anger!”

She is so smart :)

Sugar Free Ice Cream Knocked us Down

Yep.  Just when you think you are on the right track.  Just when you think – wow we’ve been getting along so much better…

It bites you in the butt.

It all started when Kid1 and I accidentally bought sugar free ice cream.  I’ll spare you the details.  Hubby has been acting like we committed a heinous crime.  He will not let it go.  Remember the blame?  It’s all about the blame.   Are you kidding me?

Don’t like the ice cream we bought?  Don’t eat it.

Yes, we grabbed the wrong carton.  Get over it.  We are human.

Go get your own damn ice cream!

It’s just stupid.

He was barking about it yet again last night.  And I reacted.  No, I did not help matters.  I did not respond calmly and rationally.  I did not delay my response.  Sorry, it just pissed me off.  And then he reacted to my comment of course.  And it escalated.  Both of us spewing things we never should have said.  Me knowing I am right.  Him knowing he is right.  It was a no-win situation.

And it continued today.

I think we are done with it now.  We finally had a rational conversation about it.

Know what he said?  “I wish the whole thing was videotaped so I cold show you I wasn’t yelling at you about ice cream.”

I said “I wish it was so you could see that you were!”

I have often thought that I should videotape him so he could see how ridiculous he acts.  I have never done it though because I thought that would REALLY fuel the fire.  Hmm….

He thinks he is just talking loudly to make his point. (Which I think in this case is that we should be more careful when purchasing ice cream?!?!)

I say when you are loud and harsh, it is yelling.  Or even if it is not technically yelling – it may as well be.  Regardless, I don’t like being talked to that way.  And I will stick up for myself.  That is what this new me does.  :)

A Mushy, Talky, Lovey, Goody Two-Shoes Guy

Pretty much right after I posted that I was proud of him, I wasn’t anymore.

Friday evening he took kids 2&3 shopping.  I stayed home to chauffeur Kid1 to the football game.  When they got home and we were all unloading/unpacking groceries, he flipped the switch back to asshole.

Short version of the story:  I never latch the closet door in the bathroom.  I close it, but I don’t latch it.  That (of all things!) drives him crazy.  He put the TP away in that closet and came out screaming that he’s done telling us and if he finds that door unlatched ONE MORE TIME, he is going to remove the door from the hinges.  He was loud, harsh, so very angry.  Hatred & disgust in his voice.  I felt attacked.  I stared at him in disbelief.    He just changed the whole evening.  He ruined it.  I said “You are threatening me?!?!  About a closet door?!!  I dare you to remove it!!  Seeing the plunger and the messy closet is much better than seeing the door unlatched in the bathroom isn’t it?!?!”  And it was on.  We said some very lovely things to each other.

And then my sister showed up with her 4 kids that we were watching for the weekend.  Aaagghh.  Time to put on the fake happy faces.

Later that evening when the kids were all mesmerized by the Justin Beiber movie, hubby & I talked in another room.  He said that he cannot believe I yelled at him for saying that about the door.  He said I never listen to him and he has had enough.  (Say what?!)  I said of course I yelled back – he was attacking me!  He said “What?!”  He was truly surprised that I felt attacked.  Of course he acted like I was nuts to feel that way.  He said he did not yell.  He said yes he was loud but he was not yelling at me or attacking me.  HUH???  I have said it before and I’m saying it again.  The man has NO CLUE how loud he is.  I really think he must be losing his hearing!  What other reason would there be to explain the fact that he is SO stinkin’ loud and doesn’t think he is at all?!?

really loud voice with a nasty tone = yelling at me

That’s how I hear it.  That’s how the world hears it dear hubby.  Anyway, we disagreed about quite a few more things and it wasn’t a fun conversation.  We talked about how he could have told me about the door without attacking me or threatening to remove the door – like I was a rebellious teen or something!  He started talking in a very sarcastic voice saying all the things that a rational person would say if he were telling his family how much it bugs him when they don’t latch the door.  He was making fun.  To me the words were exactly right though!  Why can’t he have a normal conversation?  That’s not being girly, that’s being a respectful person!

I said again that we really need to go to counseling so we can fix this marriage.  We really need help communicating!  He said no.  Again.  That made me feel like there is no hope.

He said “I am never gonna be the mushy, talky, lovey, goody two-shoes guy that you want.”   We got interrupted at this point by some little people who wanted more popcorn.  Then we continued.  I said “Well that is a problem because that is what I want.  At least the talky, lovey part.”   We talked some more about this.  Much later in the conversation he said “You have to let me get back to that on my own.”  I said “And in the mean time?”  He said “I dunno.”  I said “It needs to be important enough to you for you to put me at the top of your list and make it a priority.” 

He sees being kind and loving as being a goody two-shoes.  He is all about being a rough & tough guy – so that is an image that he will avoid like the plague.  BUT being kind and talking to your wife about real things does not make you a sissy.  It makes you continue to have a wife!

That’s kind of how we left it and he hid in the shed (AKA garage) for most of the weekend.  Only stopping in the house to eat & sleep really.

When the nieces & nephew left Sunday afternoon, hubby emerged from the shed.  He was fine.  He was kind.  He was good.  He worked on getting the hot tub set up on the new porch.  We all hung out like a normal happy family.  It was nice.

So where do we go from here?  He says we can work these things out on our own.  OK.  How?  Just waiting it out is not working.  No, we have stuff we truly need to work on,  It will not just fix itself.  We need to bring up issues and find ways to deal with them.  He will hate it if I start doing that.  He will retreat.  Not sure that matters really.  He needs to face it and deal with this crap so we can get better and get going.

I am tempted to print out my post about “Crying on Christmas” and give it to him.  May have to change some wording first so that it only looks like a journal entry, not a blog post :)  Why that one?  Well I want him to “get” this.  I want him to understand how I am feeling for once.  The blog world hears all about how I feel.  He doesn’t.  He probably has no idea that I felt that way that day.  That was a really bad day for me.  Christmas will be here again before we know it.  If he ruins one more Christmas for me….   ugh.  I keep thinking that if just read this blog that he would understand me SO much better.  Obviously I am not gonna direct him to this site.  So perhaps sharing a few entries like that one with him will help him to understand all of this.  I don’t know.  Not sure if that is a good idea or not.

I am proud of him.

Him is my hubby.   Yep.

I have written before about how important meal times are to him.
I don’t get it.  But I accept it.

Last night I had to work the concession booth at the football game.   Hubby has known this for weeks.   There were leftovers in the fridge and I thawed out some burritos.  All they had to do was put the burritos in the oven and nuke some leftovers.  Ta Da!  Supper.

Before he went to sleep that morning this was our conversation.
Me:  “I got some burritos out of the freezer for supper.”
Him:  “They go in the oven, right?”
Me:  “Yep.”

Hubby was asleep when I left.  He planned to be up by the time they all got home from school.  Apparently that didn’t happen.

The kids took this as an opportunity to lay around the living room and watch tv with various snacks.  They were probably thrilled to be able to watch tv before homework was even done.   And unsupervised snacking?  They were loving it.

I was gone about 2 hours.  When I got home I asked if they had saved me a burrito – I was hungry.   Ha.  I heard all about it then.  Hubby was mad.  Kid1 should have made dinner.  Before I left I should have given her complete instructions about how & when to make dinner.  It was late now and no one has had a decent meal.  Blah, blah, blah.  Never mind that they were all happily stuffed full of marshmallows and chips.  lol

The burritos had just been put in the oven and hubby huffed away to read the paper.  I sat there a while thinking about how he could possibly be mad at me about this.  I was sad that something like this could make him so mad.  It felt like 10 steps backwards.  Kid1 was up in her room.  I went up to see her and asked a bunch of questions about what exactly had gone down before I got home.  I knew he was mad at her too and I was worried he acted like a total jerk to her.  He can be a big scary grump after all.  She’s got enough drama already in her teenaged mind.  She said “he didn’t really yell at me but he was mad.”  That pretty much sums up the conversation.  Apparently he also told her she needs to start worrying about other people too and not just herself and she needs to be more responsible around the house.  Not bad advice.  And spoken to her, not yelled at her.

Hmmmm.

Hey….. He didn’t yell at me either.  He was mad and said so.  But he DID NOT YELL.  Wow.

So then the stupid burritos were done and we all sat down to eat.  Hubby did not eat.  He sat with us and did not say much.  He gave me short, curt answers, but was not horrible.  After supper he went to the garage.  He stayed there the rest of the evening.  And he was not mean, but still distant when he left for work at 10pm.

When he got home this morning he was talkative and smiling.

So compare this story to this horrible dinner time melt down.

I am SO proud of him.  I will not tell him that because then I would be making a big deal out of it and he hates that :)

Do I think he should have even been mad in the first place?  No.
Do I wish he wouldn’t let stupid little things get to him?  Yes!
Does it bug me that it took him many hours to get over the fact that supper was late?  Very much so!
Do I think it is insane to blame me when the problem was that he over-slept?  Of course!
Do I think it is even more insane that he was mad about supper not being made and then he sat there holding a grudge and didn’t eat?  Duh.

But get this:  He was mad.  He did not yell.  He did not rant.  He dealt with it in his man cave and he let it go.

Awesome.

Anger Management Plan for My Family

I talked to hubby the other night about how there is just too much yelling in this house.  I said we need an anger management plan.  His immediate response was “Well I’m not gonna go have someone tell me what I need to do.  I’m not going to counseling.”

I said “Believe it or not, there are people who know more than you. ”  I said it with a smile.  Ha.  Amazingly that statement did not cause a fight.

This is not new, we both have talked about this in the past and about how we don’t want to be yelling and feel bad about it every time we do.  Ugh.  Why is it SO hard to change these destructive behaviors!?!?!?

So I said we need to come up with our own plan then.  He said well if we need to learn something or be told something about how to raise our family, we should read the bible if anything.  I almost dropped dead.  First of all, this is the man who normally refuses to cooperate with any actual plan.  Second, this man has said sometime recently that he was not so sure he was saved and I think he thinks God stuff is just corny and fake.  He never reads his bible.  Ever.  Sorry to say.  Yes, our family prays at dinner and we say prayers with the kids at bedtime.  We read bible stories together etc.  But hubby has probably only ever prayed at dinner once or twice ever.  True.  He just doesn’t feel comfortable praying out loud.  But he does make sure the kids do it.  Wow – I could gab and gab about this – that’s a whole other post :)

So I said the book I was reading now tells us what the bible says about anger.  He laughed.  Of course it does, he said.

Book:  Home Improvement: Eight Tools for Effective Parenting

I read this book when my kids were younger.  It has some great ideas for disciplining your kids.  They have a new take on the classic “time-out” and it has been very helpful to me in the past.  I remembered it had a section on dealing with anger.  So I found it on the bookshelf and re-read some parts.  I am so glad I did.  I love the info they give on dealing with anger in your family.

Now, if I can just get hubby to read it….   He is the one with most of the anger.  Seriously.   And the book even talks about holding grudges etc.  I have written before about how he is the king of holding grudges!  I think if we can look at it as trying to get rid of anger in our FAMILY, then he won’t feel like I am pointing the finger at him and perhaps he will be all for this?  That would be awesome.

Hubby is always yelling about something…..   And I yell too much too :(    I am not proud.  And of course the kids have learned this behavior.  Some days just seem like one big blow up in this house.  We need to change this!

Problem:  Hubby isn’t a big reader.  He doesn’t sit still long enough to read much.  And if he does actually sit down, he is watching TV or falls asleep.  I don’t want this to be just another hopeful conversation that we have and then that’s the end of it.  But I also know him well enough by now to know that if I push him on it, he’ll shut down.  Grrr..   What to do?!?!

If I catch him in the right mood, I can show him the book and then leave it on his night stand.  Oh!  Wonder if they have this as an audiobook???  I just looked and found it on amazon for $20.  Hmm, I’ll have to ask him if he would prefer to listen to it instead of reading it.  He could listen to it in the car on his way to work.  See, he would hate that I am planning that for him.  I’m just making a suggestion!  I think it’s a great idea :)  lol

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.