Summer Update

It’s been a while.  I hope everyone is enjoying their summer.

My last post  was May 12th.  wow.  OK, let’s see.

Attended the end of year school assemblies, band concert etc.  They were about the same as usual for me.  Difficult but I got through them.

We left for the beach the day after school was out.  Drove all night to get there.  I still needed my ativan and had a few moments of “Holy Crap here comes a panic attack and I’m flying down a 4 lane highway!”   But overall it was better than expected.  We went to a closer beach instead of OBX this year so no underwater tunnel and it was only about 5 hours instead of 8-9.  Hubby didn’t go even though I really wanted him to.  Mainly so I wouldn’t have to drive.  It was fun but not as relaxing as most beach vacations.  We were just busy exploring new places I guess.

Then all-stars baseball started and we’ve been consumed by that ever since.  Then my son fractured his elbow and now has a cast on.  He/We still go to the games and he hangs out in the dugout though.  I skip some games now though.  And I don’t feel guilty about it.  He’s not playing so I feel OK about it.

I’ve been trying to work and keep up with my hours goal but it really just does not work with the kids home all summer.  I’m trying not to stress about it and do enough to keep my clients happy but still have time for summer fun with my kids.

I scheduled our family camping trip this morning.  We didn’t get the water front site that we wanted but hopefully it will still be fun.

I’m still taking mg of Zoloft 100mg.  I think I still need to increase it some.  I still depend on ativan way too much and I still have trouble driving etc.  I’ve been putting off calling the doctor, just hoping as it built up in my system more, it would be enough.  And of course I am still fighting back against panic attacks the way I always have – limiting caffeine, deep breathing, doing it afraid, etc.  But it is still so much work.  I thought it would be easier by now.  Is it better?  Has Zoloft made a difference?  Oh my yes.  I wouldn’t even drive at all for a while there!  And I had a freak out just riding in the car with my hubby!  So yes, definitely better.  But still not good.

And… Ugh.  I’ve agreed to go to FL with my sisters and kids in Feb.  That means DRIVING TO FLORIDA.  Kill me now.  See, so I really have to get this under control before then!

I’ve actually looked ta bus schedules etc to see how much it would cost to go that way.  Very reasonable.  I was surprised.  That’s the backup plan.  Neither of my sisters agrees to that plan.  LOL

So that’s a quick update.

Just a little over a month until school starts back… it went way too fast.  It always does.  Enjoy the rest of the summer!




Zoloft: Day 50

Yes, Day 50.  I keep track on my account so I know :)

I went to the doctor on Friday for my follow-up appointment and she agreed I should increase my dose so this is actually the 3rd day on 100mg.  I do feel like the Zoloft has has been helping me a lot, but I’m still taking ativan pretty much daily and always before I drive so I’m not there yet.

I’m getting there.  This is helping me a lot and I actually feel like it may be OK soon.  I may actually be able to drive to the beach this year.

First, I will drive to the baseball game in T-town next week. :)  One step at a time.  I feel like there is a light at the end of this tunnel.



Zoloft: Day 18

OK I’m supposed to be working so I’ll try to keep this quick.  I’ve been logging massive work hours lately so yay!

About this anxiety crap in my life….

I’ve been taking Zoloft.  This is day 18.  I took 1/2 pills for a week, then bumped it up to whole pills (50mg) for a week, then feeling very frustrated that I didnt feel any different at all I asked my dr if I could bump it up again.  She said I could try it but that I hadnt really given the med time to work yet.  The thing was that I wasnt having any bad side effects at all – a good side effect was that I was a bit more motivated around the house etc, but I was still freaking out about driving.

Hubby has still been the driver and he has been a good sport but I know its working on his nerves.  I don’t blame him.  We have busy kids and there is a lot of running around to do.

Well last Tuesday the school called, my son had puked and I needed to go pick him up.  Hubby was asleep since he works 3rd shift.  I was feeling “off” that day anyway and knew it wouldn’t be easy but I had to go right?  And its stupid anyway, so I decided to go get him.  No ativan in me at all.

I made it about a mile towards town and panic hit me.  I pulled over and sat there, planning to continue on but just couldn’t make myself.  Then I started thinking yea, what if I go get him, and then this happens the whole way home?  I’m so afraid I’m going to hurt someone when these panic attacks hit me in the car.

SO…I finally calmed down enough and drove home and woke up my hubby.  I felt completely defeated.  I couldn’t even go get my son from school when he was sick!  I did get in the car and ride along with hubby cuz I am determined not to give up and need to get in a car as often as possible to learn to deal with this.  It was ok, but geesh.  Kid3 was freezing so hubby blasted the heat and we put the windows up.  Kill me now.

That whole thing was very upsetting to me.  I have a family and responsibilities.  They need to be able to count on me in an emergency to be able to drive them somewhere!  If I had been by myself that day – and not going to pick someone up – I would have fought through it and made my way there step by step, however long it took.  But that’s different.  My puking kid was sitting in the school office with a bucket waiting for me.  I had to hurry!

This was before I upped my zoloft to 75 mg.  And that day I determined that the only was I was going to get  over this is to go for a drive every single day until I get over this nonsense.  Like I did with the grocery store way back when.   And when hubby goes somewhere, I go along if I can, just to get more exposure.

So Monday evening I took 75mg Zoloft instead of 50.  The next morning was hell.  I was heaving, although I never actually puked and I was burning up like before on the Celexa.  Its not like a fever.  Its like I feel like I’m burning up from the inside out.  I googled it later and it seems that is just another way a panic attack manifests itself for some people.  One lady on a message board said she decided to decide that she liked when she felt that way and to look forward to it.  She said “imagine how many calories I’m burning when I heat up like that!”  And then that took away the power, she was no longer afraid of that and she rarely has that symptom anymore.  LOVE THAT!

SO the Tuesday I went back to 50mg.  My plan was to increase it slowly, every other night.  I felt normal Wednesday morning.  Wednesday eve I took 75mg again and expected to feel crappy this morning.  I was kinda looking forward to the burning sensation cuz I was all psyched up to change it into a positive too – but it never came.  I felt good this morning too.  Maybe my body is getting used to the increased dose already.  Who knows.

And just now I got in my car and drove around the block.  Yippee.  Katy Perry – Roar was on the radio and I sag it loud and proud and smiled.  Tomorrow I’ll do it again.  Only maybe further.  Or maybe I’ll do it again tonight.  We’ll see. But I’m not giving up.

Have good day.  Enjoy the sunshine!

I Do Stuff


Things I’ve done lately that point out to me how little I’ve been doing lately.

– Threw out bags of marshmallows that were in the cupboard with our tea & hot cocoa that were ancient and rock hard.

– Moved everything and wiped off the top shelf of the refrigerator.

– Made a recipe that I made up myself just cuz I was inspired.  Used to do that all the time.

– Put a suitcase in the attic.  It has been sitting in my bedroom for many months.

– Cut up veggies for quick snacks the kids can grab instead of junk food.  Used to do this all the time.  Seems like years ago.

– Been making a list for each night so everyone knows what needs to be done and who is going where when.  Organizing the chaos.

– Updated our budget spreadsheet that tracks our debt and how we are paying it down and put it on the bulletin board in the office.

– Organized my work email with new filter/folders.

– Updated all the school papers/fundraisers/sports papers all on the kitchen cabinets so its all current.

– Washed, folded & put away laundry all in the same day.

– Made some phone calls I’ve been putting off for a good while now.

– Doing my dance videos again during work breaks to move around a bit after sitting for too long!

This was just this week and it’s only Wednesday!

The thing about this is that I’m like wow – look at me doing stuff!  I actually notice the cobwebs on the ceiling fans and the bathroom light fixture (haven’t cleaned them yet tho. ha)  I do stuff.  Not like I didn’t do stuff before but…. ugh.  I hope you know what I mean.  I didn’t do any of the extra stuff.  I did what needed to be done and that was it I guess.  I hope this continues cuz my house would appreciate this new energy!

I don’t know if it cuz I weaned off of my medicine and this is the normal me  – or it is increased motivation from beginning zoloft.  I wish it was just me but.. ..  it’s the me I used to be before I got all freaked out from panic attacks and this whole horrible cycle of panic attacks and different medications started!  I hope this me sticks around.  I remember feeling kinda like this when I started wellbutrin last time too.  It’s like it’s just a little kick in the pants and it’s awesome.  I know  the zoloft is just now getting built up in my system so who knows what will happen but I like this.  So for now, I’m going to enjoy it.  It’s driving my kids crazy unfortunately.  They get a lot more to do when I see all the things that need to be done.  Poor kids.  lol


Celexa vs Zoloft

I know that some people do use Celexa for anxiety – just from reading blogs etc I know that.  And the guy that posts the anxiety videos on youtube takes Celexa.

I still find it curious that Celexa is what my doctor suggested for me.  Straight from the medication guide that came from the pharmacy it says that Celexa (Citalporam) is used to treat depression.

Contrast that to Zoloft which says that it treats depression, panic disorder, OCD, PTSD, social anxiety disorder and PMDD.

I kinda think its funny that it is supposed to treat all those!  I should never have another bad day again in my life – even PMS! – if all goes according to plan!

Here’s hoping :)

Started Zoloft: Day 3

Hi.  So I weaned down off of Celexa, took nothing for one day and then started on Zoloft.  I was nervous about taking the Zoloft and thought I might wait a while but decided to dive in and just get the initial side effects over.

I was feeling good, normalish even and wanted to stay that way.  Ha.  At the same time I want to get this figured out.  I have things to do, places to go, a life to live – worrying about panic attacks every day of my life is screwing up my plans.

Today is Day 3 for Zoloft.  I’ve taken 3 half pills.  I’ve been taking them at supper time.  I read so many different stories – some people have horrible crazy dreams when they take it at night.  Some can’t sleep at all.  Others is seems to make them very tired.  Who knows.  Iam very busy at work right now and can’t risk losing  a nights sleep.  And taking it in the morning may mean I get too tired to even be able to work.  So I decided to take it at supper time – 5ish and that has worked so far.  I havent noticed much difference – and really no side effects yet either.

Well, it is a little harder to get out of bed in the morning, but it seems like I’m sleeping ok.

Oh – also –  remember when I got so sick on the Celexa – SO SICK that I couldn’t even think of my beloved coffee for days – well I am still drinking green tea instead.  I’ve known for a long time that I need to slow down on the coffee.  Hopefully I can keep that up.

I still haven’t really driven anywhere.  Hubby has been a great Mr. Mom, chauffeuring the kids around.  I’m getting my nerve back and think it’s gonna be ok soon.  We are running low on feminine supplies and while hubby will get them if I ask, it’s a good motivator to get me to venture out to the store.  There are 3 of us girls here in the house that need products and everyone has their own preferences.  lol  The list is a little long and those aisles can be complicated.  ha.

I did drive up to the barn tonight where hubby was working on his tractor – usually I would walk it but it was a good ice breaker for me and the van :)





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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.