More Driving Drama in My Head

Tonight there is a baseball game in XXXX.  I’ve had a panic attack driving there last year.  So… I didn’t like it anyway.  Well now of course it’s a lot worse since my latest freakouts are like driving anxiety on steroids.

Sigh.

Hubby isn’t going tonight which means I’m the driver.  He COULD go and then leave early.  He doesn’t want to.  I know he’s doing it to give me a push.  I’ve been driving this past weekend.  Ever since Friday when I went to pick up my prescription after we took Kid2 to the formal.

It hasnt been easy.  It’s been difficult but not as bad as it has been.  Even the short trips back and forth to town – which are like 7 minute drives – I still batlle like mini attacks.  It’s strange.  They’ve been a little different.  It’s like I feel it coming and I look for the heat to come, I kinda focus on that burning sensation instead of feeling like I’m gonna pass out.  Guess I’m not as afraid of the heat.  (Described earlier here – like burning up from the inside out) I think to myself “OK, bring it on” – all the while ready to pull over if needed.  (All while attempting to appear normal and completely unphased – continuing on with conversation with my kiddos.  It is truly exhausting!)  The panic attacks have been passing more quickly though.

Of course I’ve been drugged up.  Ugh.  That’s what I’ve been calling it.  I’ve been taking 2 ativan a day and feel wow tired!

Oh – On Thursday, I decided I needed to go to the store.  I had no Easter Bunny supplies at all.  So I took an ativan as soon as I woke up.  Now, I KNOW you’re supposed to take them every 6 hours. Well….  I took another one about 2 hours later cuz I needed to leave and really wanted that in my system before driving again.  I also decided I was going to stand in line and return some things at Walmart – the lines I hate – AND sadly, get a haircut too.  Ha!  I really need a haircut, figured I should just drug it up and do it all at once!

I was fine driving there.  I was fine in the return line.  It was when I sat down to have my haircut that I felt overwhelmingly tired!  I swear I felt drunk!  Not good.  Not good at all.  I told her I didn’t feel well.  She hurried and still did a good job I have to say!  But then instead of shopping, I retreated to my van.  I laid my seat back cuz my head felt so heavy.  And guess what?  I fell asleep!  Oh my gosh.  There I am sleeping in the Walmart parking lot right around noon!   Nice.  OK.  Lesson learned.  I will NOT take them that close together again.   I did wake up about half an hour later, felt much better and did my shopping :)  Some days I feel like such a freak!

Wow this post is all over the place.

My point…. I DO NOT feel ready to drive my kids to XXXX tonight.  It is about a 35 minute drive.  I told hubby I wanted to do it by myself the first time.  (We have another game there on Wednesday that hubby cant attend.)  I told him he should take all the kids, I’ll say I have to finish working first, I’ll come just a little while later – by myself – and then he can leave early.  That works right?  He said no.  Grrrr.

He said he really doesnt want to go and he really believes I can do it.

Well now my plan is to send Kid3 with his uncle (and coach) and send my girls with gram & pap.  I can say I have to run to my sisters house (in another town) first and then will meet them there.

What I would REALLY do though is just drive the regular way to get to XXXX and go early.  And drive around that blasted town and all those freaking roads that I’ve had bad experience on.  All by myself.  Then I would bring everyone home.

Does that sound like a bunch of trouble to go to just to avoid driving there with a carload of my kids?  Absolutely.  I know it is insane.  I just do not feel ready.  I get scared that I will pass out.  I have seen the black spots way too many times while I was driving.  I DO NOT want to wreck and hurt  my kids  Or even scare them!  I don’t want this to be something they ever even see!  They need to know they can depend on me and feel safe with me.

So yea, this is me freaking out a bit today  :(

—-

And here’s an update already… that plan was shot to hell.  Gram & Pap arent going tonight so I cant send my girls with them.

 

aaggghhhhhhhh

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.
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