Anxiety Triggers: Shoes?

I love these shoes.

I bought them at the beginning of the summer and had not worn them yet!  The problem is that I really don’t dress up often. I ‘m more of a sneakers and flip-flops kind of girl :)

So hubby, Kid3 and I went grocery shopping Friday night.  I decided to wear my fancy shoes for the first time!  (to the grocery store – woo hoo!  lol)

They really are not very high.  And they are comfortable.  But of course they still felt different than normal when I walked.  I was just a little uncomfortable – feeling like I might trip or something stupid.

Then we went to Walmart.  Ugh Walmart.  It was crowded.  By this time my feet were starting to hurt – just a little.

The Problem?  I was uncomfortable.  Wal-mart was crowded.  My son was pushing the cart all erratically and running into people and things. I was trying to control that while still letting him help push it.  We ticked a lady off when we picked up the last case of water bottles.  My hubby was trying to explain to me in great detail what he needs this special kind of motor oil for…

The panic monster got me.   The dizziness hit me hard and I had to hold onto the cart.  I got very hot and sweaty.  I felt like I was watching from afar instead of living it.  I HATE that feeling.

I blame it on my beautiful shoes!  So sad.  I think just that little thing – being uncomfortable in those – was the trigger.  And I’m dealing with PMS full force so that was part of it too I’m sure.  But this really sucks.  How crazy is this??  I have been doing great in stores!  It was just that tiny thing – heels – that made me feel “off” and apparently my confidence took a nose dive.

Sigh.

I know it sounds stupid but I really do believe the shoes led to my freakout.

I did power through though.  I didn’t escape to the bathroom or run to the car or anything like that.  As I was walking along I kept thinking of Jill saying “Do it afraid”.

Do it afraid.     Do it afraid.     Do it afraid.     Do it afraid.     Do it afraid.     Do it afraid.     Do it afraid.

So I did.  It passed eventually.  Mostly.  I was very happy to get back in the car and head home.

So what to do now?

Wear the shoes everywhere possible until I get over it!  It better not take too long cuz my toes will freeze in this weather!

Panic Attacks: Sometimes I’m Normal Again

Sometimes I’m normal again.  It amazes me.  I can have a very hard time one week.  (Think Christmas Concert)  Then the next week I go out in the mad Christmas crowds and do some shopping – and it never even occurs to me that I usually freak out in those situations.  Or that I usually plan ahead when the best time would be to take ativan.

I went yesterday.  I was mostly done shopping.  I just needed 1 gift, several gift cards, and groceries.  On the way into the first store it hit me.  I had not taken ativan.  I was not prepared!  So then I had a choice.  Go back to my car, take ativan, wait for it to kick in and struggle through my day.  Or fake it till I make it and continue on.  I continued into the store.  And then didn’t worry about it the rest of the day.  On my way home I though about it again.  I felt like a normal person!

I stood in a very long line at the grocery store.  Oh my the panic attacks I have had in that store in the last few years!  I braved Walmart for that last gift.  I made it without any trouble and you KNOW that place was crazy.  I even went into a new store that I had never been in before.  That usually stresses me out.

2 days in a row I have gotten 7 hours of sleep at night.  That’s awesome for me.  I am in the terrible habit of staying up way too late.  I work and put in the hours I didn’t get in during the day, I watch TV, I eat ice cream.  NOT a good habit.  I’m willing to bet that had something to do with my shopping success.  Now I just need to keep it up.

EXCEPT that I have been thinking I should stay up late tonight after everyone is in bed and wrap gifts.  I have nothing wrapped yet!  It is all stashed in various locations throughout the house.  I used to spend every Christmas eve in the basement by myself wrapping gifts until way too late.  I refuse to do that anymore.  I didn’t have to do that last year and I loved it!  And the kids have a half day of school tomorrow and then they are on Christmas break, so getting it done before that would be great.

And Christmas is Sunday!  It came so quickly this year!

Oh – and guess what else?  I didn’t think I’d get to a basketball game until after the new year.  Nope.  They scheduled one for tonight.  HA.  It’s just a scrimmage and it is in the gym that has no bleachers.  I will be going to that tonight.  Hubby will definitely be sleeping because he didn’t come home from work this morning, he went to an auction with his Dad.   It will be a good way to ease me into it.  :)

Having a day like yesterday when I just felt normal – makes me want to fight harder so I can just BE NORMAL all the time.  I don’t want it to be a rare occurrence.  I want it to be my life.  Of course I mean normal as far as panic attacks are concerned.  Normal is a very loose term otherwise!

Driving Anxiety, Retail Therapy

This is day 5 of back to school.  I miss my kids.  Retail therapy was in order.  And I needed to return a pair of jeans to Target and that was a great excuse to go shopping – all by myself  :D

(FYI – “Straight” jeans from target look like skinny jeans – never a good look on a 8 year old boy.  Stick with the “Relaxed” fit!)

My nerves have been in a bundle lately and I have been depending on ativan too much.  I skipped it this morning, determined to see how far I could get without it.  The drive there was bad.  I was SO anxious.  I haven’t had trouble driving much at all lately.  I think it was because I am kinda freaking out about driving to OBX next week.  That’s another story.  The stop lights were really getting to me.  I was getting mad cuz it’s stupid.  Ugh.  But I powered through.  I put the car in park a few times while waiting at stop lights.  In case I passed out or something you know – which I never have by the way.   Usually I have pretzels or something in the car.  It really seems like when I snack on something, it helps with the anxiety.  Of course there were no pretzels – I have 3 kids – my pretzels often disappear.

I needed to calm myself down and build some confidence.  So I went to a dollar store and walked around for a good while.  Once upon a time I had a panic attack in this store.  It was one of the places I kept returning to in order to beat it.  So I knew I could do it.  The place is huge – I’ll bet I walked around in there for almost at hour.  Somehow I spent $24.  Everything is there is $1.  lol  I spent $24 bucks on stuff that I really didn’t need.  “But they have some neat stuff!  And it’s only $1!”

With my newfound confidence I went to the liquor store.  Ha!  Yes, I did.  I haven’t been there in a few months and I was out of wine.  Riunite Lambrusco please :)  Cheap wine.  Love it!

The day got better.  I shopped until I dropped.  Well really only until I had to head home so I could beat the school bus there.  I made it through without any ativan and for that I am grateful.

THANK YOU LORD!

(And no, I didn’t drink any wine while I was out!  Perhaps I’ll open that later tonight :)

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.