Summer Update

It’s been a while.  I hope everyone is enjoying their summer.

My last post  was May 12th.  wow.  OK, let’s see.

Attended the end of year school assemblies, band concert etc.  They were about the same as usual for me.  Difficult but I got through them.

We left for the beach the day after school was out.  Drove all night to get there.  I still needed my ativan and had a few moments of “Holy Crap here comes a panic attack and I’m flying down a 4 lane highway!”   But overall it was better than expected.  We went to a closer beach instead of OBX this year so no underwater tunnel and it was only about 5 hours instead of 8-9.  Hubby didn’t go even though I really wanted him to.  Mainly so I wouldn’t have to drive.  It was fun but not as relaxing as most beach vacations.  We were just busy exploring new places I guess.

Then all-stars baseball started and we’ve been consumed by that ever since.  Then my son fractured his elbow and now has a cast on.  He/We still go to the games and he hangs out in the dugout though.  I skip some games now though.  And I don’t feel guilty about it.  He’s not playing so I feel OK about it.

I’ve been trying to work and keep up with my hours goal but it really just does not work with the kids home all summer.  I’m trying not to stress about it and do enough to keep my clients happy but still have time for summer fun with my kids.

I scheduled our family camping trip this morning.  We didn’t get the water front site that we wanted but hopefully it will still be fun.

I’m still taking mg of Zoloft 100mg.  I think I still need to increase it some.  I still depend on ativan way too much and I still have trouble driving etc.  I’ve been putting off calling the doctor, just hoping as it built up in my system more, it would be enough.  And of course I am still fighting back against panic attacks the way I always have – limiting caffeine, deep breathing, doing it afraid, etc.  But it is still so much work.  I thought it would be easier by now.  Is it better?  Has Zoloft made a difference?  Oh my yes.  I wouldn’t even drive at all for a while there!  And I had a freak out just riding in the car with my hubby!  So yes, definitely better.  But still not good.

And… Ugh.  I’ve agreed to go to FL with my sisters and kids in Feb.  That means DRIVING TO FLORIDA.  Kill me now.  See, so I really have to get this under control before then!

I’ve actually looked ta bus schedules etc to see how much it would cost to go that way.  Very reasonable.  I was surprised.  That’s the backup plan.  Neither of my sisters agrees to that plan.  LOL

So that’s a quick update.

Just a little over a month until school starts back… it went way too fast.  It always does.  Enjoy the rest of the summer!




Zoloft: Day 50

Yes, Day 50.  I keep track on my account so I know :)

I went to the doctor on Friday for my follow-up appointment and she agreed I should increase my dose so this is actually the 3rd day on 100mg.  I do feel like the Zoloft has has been helping me a lot, but I’m still taking ativan pretty much daily and always before I drive so I’m not there yet.

I’m getting there.  This is helping me a lot and I actually feel like it may be OK soon.  I may actually be able to drive to the beach this year.

First, I will drive to the baseball game in T-town next week. :)  One step at a time.  I feel like there is a light at the end of this tunnel.




We have been married for 20 years.   TWENTY YEARS.

I don’t feel old enough for that to be possible!

But yes, today is our 20th anniversary.  And I really felt like celebrating it this year!  For real.  That is the best feeling ever.

I found this quaint little cabin not too far away with a hot tub that I wanted to rent and have a little get away but hubby shot that idea down cuz it was too expensive.  I disagreed but let it go….  I should have just booked it and then surprised him.

He worked last night of course. We decided to go to breakfast this morning together since evenings are full of baseball games and all sorts of other kid events.

There is a new Bob Evans in our area so we went there and got big yummy breakfast meals.  Then we ran around to do a few errands and came home.  Not very exciting but… it was fun.  And relaxing.  Then we came home and enjoyed each others company a little bit more before he went to sleep :)

I feel secure it my marriage.  I feel happy.  I feel loved.  The other day his jerk side popped out and I was very worried but just went away from him for a while.  The next day I asked him about it and he said knew he wasn’t being OK and explained what he was feeling and we moved on.  Life isn’t prefect.  It never will be.  But I love my husband and he loves me and we have a happy marriage.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to say that!

Today, I am PROUD to say that I have been married to this man for 20 years.  (We all know that wasn’t always the case!!!)

When I initially told hubby about the cabin I wanted to rent, he said that he’d be happy just to stay home and cook some burgers on the grill.   I said What is that??  This is 20 years we need to do something more special!!  Ha.

Later I was thinking about that and it grew in my mind to having a party.  I thought we could do it a Friday evening – 7:00ish so it would soon get dark and we could enjoy the firepit and some fire works and glow stick on the trampoline (Kids – not me!)….  I picture us inviting both sides of the family and maybe even some friends.  And let the kids invite friends too.  Plus it seems more causal if it is dark out and we aren’t all sitting there in the sunlight wondering what to say to each other… we never get together with both sides of the family so that might be a little weird.  But I think that letting the kids invite friends too makes it all a bit more chaotic and fun and not calm and boring with people not knowing what to say.  I picture burgers on the grill, hot dogs and kraut in the crockpot, potatoe skins in the oven, my mom-in-laws pies, chips, dips, fruit trays and veggies with dip.  My sis-in-law has some lawn games we could borrow.  Hubby’s side of the family likes to drink so we can have coolers with beer and wine coolers, and another with soda.  I want to send people invitations that say “Come help us celebrate our 20th anniversary!”  See, I’m figuring it all out in my head.

A few days ago I asked him if he meant he wanted to have people over and do burgers…. he said no, I meant just our family…  So he meant just like that’s what he’d like for dinner.  Ha.  He laughed off the idea of a party.

I brought it up again today in the car.  I told him who I wanted to invite etc.  I told him I feel like we are in a good place and have a happy marriage and its been a crazy 20 years and I think we are happier now than for a long long time – maybe ever.  He agreed with the “maybe ever” statement by the way.  :)  I told him I actually feel like celebrating this cuz I’m so happy and proud of us.  He didn’t say a lot but said “let me think about it…..”   I even told him the date I want to have it.  So now, I will wait a few days before I bring it up again.  Obviously if he doesn’t want to, it will not be fun, it will be stressful and something for us to argue about instead of being a celebration so I need to get him on board.

I’m really excited about it though and that surprises me actually.


Nothing Accomplished

Well after all my stressing last night, nothing happened as expected.  Of course.

Hubby decided he was going to go.  He knew I was stressing and did it for me.  I didn’t ask him to and have to admit that when he said he was going, I was kind of mad.  I stressed about it so much.  I had already taken my 2nd ativan.  I was gearing up for a fight against the panic monster and then there would be none.  Then I thought I’d just still drive separately, just to get that drive over with and build my confidence.

When it came down to it though, we all just went together.  Just cause it made sense I guess.  I don’t know.  Kid schedules and supper chaos and it was just like ok, its time go, and we went.  There is another game there tomorrow night.  I don’t know if hubby will go or not.  I don’t want to have a big freak out about it again though.    I think I will have time to go for a drive tonight and I might just drive the whole way there.  Heck – maybe I’ll just go drive back and forth on that blasted road and show it whose boss.

Happy Tuesday.

So much work to do today!  I’m drinking my decaf tea and missing my coffee jolt!

Have a good day all.



More Driving Drama in My Head

Tonight there is a baseball game in XXXX.  I’ve had a panic attack driving there last year.  So… I didn’t like it anyway.  Well now of course it’s a lot worse since my latest freakouts are like driving anxiety on steroids.


Hubby isn’t going tonight which means I’m the driver.  He COULD go and then leave early.  He doesn’t want to.  I know he’s doing it to give me a push.  I’ve been driving this past weekend.  Ever since Friday when I went to pick up my prescription after we took Kid2 to the formal.

It hasnt been easy.  It’s been difficult but not as bad as it has been.  Even the short trips back and forth to town – which are like 7 minute drives – I still batlle like mini attacks.  It’s strange.  They’ve been a little different.  It’s like I feel it coming and I look for the heat to come, I kinda focus on that burning sensation instead of feeling like I’m gonna pass out.  Guess I’m not as afraid of the heat.  (Described earlier here – like burning up from the inside out) I think to myself “OK, bring it on” – all the while ready to pull over if needed.  (All while attempting to appear normal and completely unphased – continuing on with conversation with my kiddos.  It is truly exhausting!)  The panic attacks have been passing more quickly though.

Of course I’ve been drugged up.  Ugh.  That’s what I’ve been calling it.  I’ve been taking 2 ativan a day and feel wow tired!

Oh – On Thursday, I decided I needed to go to the store.  I had no Easter Bunny supplies at all.  So I took an ativan as soon as I woke up.  Now, I KNOW you’re supposed to take them every 6 hours. Well….  I took another one about 2 hours later cuz I needed to leave and really wanted that in my system before driving again.  I also decided I was going to stand in line and return some things at Walmart – the lines I hate – AND sadly, get a haircut too.  Ha!  I really need a haircut, figured I should just drug it up and do it all at once!

I was fine driving there.  I was fine in the return line.  It was when I sat down to have my haircut that I felt overwhelmingly tired!  I swear I felt drunk!  Not good.  Not good at all.  I told her I didn’t feel well.  She hurried and still did a good job I have to say!  But then instead of shopping, I retreated to my van.  I laid my seat back cuz my head felt so heavy.  And guess what?  I fell asleep!  Oh my gosh.  There I am sleeping in the Walmart parking lot right around noon!   Nice.  OK.  Lesson learned.  I will NOT take them that close together again.   I did wake up about half an hour later, felt much better and did my shopping :)  Some days I feel like such a freak!

Wow this post is all over the place.

My point…. I DO NOT feel ready to drive my kids to XXXX tonight.  It is about a 35 minute drive.  I told hubby I wanted to do it by myself the first time.  (We have another game there on Wednesday that hubby cant attend.)  I told him he should take all the kids, I’ll say I have to finish working first, I’ll come just a little while later – by myself – and then he can leave early.  That works right?  He said no.  Grrrr.

He said he really doesnt want to go and he really believes I can do it.

Well now my plan is to send Kid3 with his uncle (and coach) and send my girls with gram & pap.  I can say I have to run to my sisters house (in another town) first and then will meet them there.

What I would REALLY do though is just drive the regular way to get to XXXX and go early.  And drive around that blasted town and all those freaking roads that I’ve had bad experience on.  All by myself.  Then I would bring everyone home.

Does that sound like a bunch of trouble to go to just to avoid driving there with a carload of my kids?  Absolutely.  I know it is insane.  I just do not feel ready.  I get scared that I will pass out.  I have seen the black spots way too many times while I was driving.  I DO NOT want to wreck and hurt  my kids  Or even scare them!  I don’t want this to be something they ever even see!  They need to know they can depend on me and feel safe with me.

So yea, this is me freaking out a bit today  :(


And here’s an update already… that plan was shot to hell.  Gram & Pap arent going tonight so I cant send my girls with them.






Let me tell you about last night.

Last night was the spring formal dance for kid2.  She was gorgeous as usual.


Image Source

These are the shoes she wore – sparkly gold – and the rest of the outfit was even more fabulous.


Let me backtrack just a little….Kid2 also had an ortho appointment that morning that hubby took her to. 

The day before when Kid3 puked yet again at school – hubby went to pick him up and I made an appt and he took him to the doctor.  Hubby didn’t get to bed that day until about 2pm after working all night.

He’s been doing all the running around since I’ve been freaking out about driving.  And he has been wonderful about it.  I have had great guilt, especially when he needs to be sleeping!

So last night was the formal.  How this usually goes is we get ready, take pictures at home with the family, go to town, meet up with friends at the park that has great backdrops for more pics and take pics with friends, dates, etc.  Then we take them all up to the school where they see a few more friends, we take a few more pics, and then they finally go into the dance.  And we pick them up when its over.  Hubby has never participated in any of that.  And I was worried that he was reaching the end of his rope – feeling stressed about having to do all of this stuff he doesn’t normally have to do.

(NOT ONCE did I point out that I usually do all the stuff that he is feeling overwhelmed doing…. ha… but I want to point that out here!  Don’t you know it ladies!)

So in anticipation for last night let’s just say I was fully loaded with ativan.  Ha, that sounds bad.  But really, I wanted it in my system full strength because I was really afraid that I would have to do all that on my own last night and I still haven’t driven much at all since the driving panic attacks have been in high gear.  I spread the ativan throughout the day like you are supposed to.  I took 2 and 1/2 yesterday.

Turns out hubby was awesome – as he has been lately.  He was a little irritated when he heard about all the picture taking plans but he went along with it anyway.

He held her coat and gabbed with the other dads and when it was all over, I think he was glad he went.  I said “see what you’ve been missing!” He just laughed.  Kid2 was going t a friends house after the dance so no need to go pick her up.

Another thing on the list of things I’d asked hubby to do for me before Sunday was go get my RX refill.  Well with all that ativan in me, and my successful little drive around the block the other day, I decided I was going to try it myself.  I figured I’d go myself, pull over when I needed to, wait it out and carry on.  I need to face this.

Hubby offered to come along.  I said no.  He suggested I take Kid1 with me.  I said no.  I don’t want people watching me freak out!  So off I went.  I made sure I had Roar playing. Ha.  Never really got into that song before but it felt so empowering the other night, I put it on my ipod.

I was ok.  There were some what if moments.  But there were no black spots.  I am hosting Easter dinner for  my family here on Sunday and need some groceries but I had decided that once I got there, if all I could do was go through the drive through pharmacy window, that was just fine.  Well I did that and my RX wasnt ready of course so I had 20 minutes to kill.  SO I went and did my grocery shopping.  Then I went into the Dollar store next door.  I was walking around thinking wow – I feel like a normal person!  Yay.

So I got my med and drove home.  No trouble.  Yes, there were the thoughts in the back of my head but they didn’t take over.  Hubby loves mcdonalds double cheeseburgers.  I knew he was planning to be working in the garage on his 4-wheeler so I did a drive through and got some burgers for him and the kids and some fries for me.  (YUM – it’s been SO long since I ate any french fries!)

I went straight to the garage when I got home and he looked up with a big smile and said “There you are!  I had my phone with me in case you needed me.”  I said I come bearing gifts and gave him the burger.  He laughed and sat down and ate it.  I told him how I felt like a normal person tonight but I hated that it took all that med to make me feel that way.  You know what he said?  Well if that’s what it takes to straighten out those chemicals in your brain, then that’s what it takes.

THAT IS HUGE.  Because that means he looked it up and was reading about panic attacks.  He had told me he was going to do that cuz he just couldn’t understand what was wrong with me.  He has always been one of those guys that reject medicine and thinks that if you were just stronger, you could deal with it.  Like you feel nervous about something? Buck up and do it anyway. So he finally sees that there is more to it than that.  I’m sure that watching me freak out  – actually seeing me freak out in the car and not being able to get off the bathroom floor – helped him realize it was really real.  Ha!

So then I left him in the garage and went home to my other kiddos who were lost in minecraft world.  They only looked up when they smelled cheeseburgers.   lol

Then I thought of him saying about having his phone with him just in case.  So I texted him


And he is.  He really is here for me.

Zoloft: Day 18

OK I’m supposed to be working so I’ll try to keep this quick.  I’ve been logging massive work hours lately so yay!

About this anxiety crap in my life….

I’ve been taking Zoloft.  This is day 18.  I took 1/2 pills for a week, then bumped it up to whole pills (50mg) for a week, then feeling very frustrated that I didnt feel any different at all I asked my dr if I could bump it up again.  She said I could try it but that I hadnt really given the med time to work yet.  The thing was that I wasnt having any bad side effects at all – a good side effect was that I was a bit more motivated around the house etc, but I was still freaking out about driving.

Hubby has still been the driver and he has been a good sport but I know its working on his nerves.  I don’t blame him.  We have busy kids and there is a lot of running around to do.

Well last Tuesday the school called, my son had puked and I needed to go pick him up.  Hubby was asleep since he works 3rd shift.  I was feeling “off” that day anyway and knew it wouldn’t be easy but I had to go right?  And its stupid anyway, so I decided to go get him.  No ativan in me at all.

I made it about a mile towards town and panic hit me.  I pulled over and sat there, planning to continue on but just couldn’t make myself.  Then I started thinking yea, what if I go get him, and then this happens the whole way home?  I’m so afraid I’m going to hurt someone when these panic attacks hit me in the car.

SO…I finally calmed down enough and drove home and woke up my hubby.  I felt completely defeated.  I couldn’t even go get my son from school when he was sick!  I did get in the car and ride along with hubby cuz I am determined not to give up and need to get in a car as often as possible to learn to deal with this.  It was ok, but geesh.  Kid3 was freezing so hubby blasted the heat and we put the windows up.  Kill me now.

That whole thing was very upsetting to me.  I have a family and responsibilities.  They need to be able to count on me in an emergency to be able to drive them somewhere!  If I had been by myself that day – and not going to pick someone up – I would have fought through it and made my way there step by step, however long it took.  But that’s different.  My puking kid was sitting in the school office with a bucket waiting for me.  I had to hurry!

This was before I upped my zoloft to 75 mg.  And that day I determined that the only was I was going to get  over this is to go for a drive every single day until I get over this nonsense.  Like I did with the grocery store way back when.   And when hubby goes somewhere, I go along if I can, just to get more exposure.

So Monday evening I took 75mg Zoloft instead of 50.  The next morning was hell.  I was heaving, although I never actually puked and I was burning up like before on the Celexa.  Its not like a fever.  Its like I feel like I’m burning up from the inside out.  I googled it later and it seems that is just another way a panic attack manifests itself for some people.  One lady on a message board said she decided to decide that she liked when she felt that way and to look forward to it.  She said “imagine how many calories I’m burning when I heat up like that!”  And then that took away the power, she was no longer afraid of that and she rarely has that symptom anymore.  LOVE THAT!

SO the Tuesday I went back to 50mg.  My plan was to increase it slowly, every other night.  I felt normal Wednesday morning.  Wednesday eve I took 75mg again and expected to feel crappy this morning.  I was kinda looking forward to the burning sensation cuz I was all psyched up to change it into a positive too – but it never came.  I felt good this morning too.  Maybe my body is getting used to the increased dose already.  Who knows.

And just now I got in my car and drove around the block.  Yippee.  Katy Perry – Roar was on the radio and I sag it loud and proud and smiled.  Tomorrow I’ll do it again.  Only maybe further.  Or maybe I’ll do it again tonight.  We’ll see. But I’m not giving up.

Have good day.  Enjoy the sunshine!

Wait…. You can have anxiety and not know it?

This article popped up in my newsfeed and made me laugh.  The title made me laugh.  I didn’t read the whole thing – feel free.  Or not.


13 Signs You Have Anxiety — and Don’t Know It



I drove. I shopped.

I just drove into town and went to 2 stores.


Woo Hoo!


Take that Panic Attacks!

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.