Zoloft: Day 50

Yes, Day 50.  I keep track on my JoesGoals.com account so I know :)

I went to the doctor on Friday for my follow-up appointment and she agreed I should increase my dose so this is actually the 3rd day on 100mg.  I do feel like the Zoloft has has been helping me a lot, but I’m still taking ativan pretty much daily and always before I drive so I’m not there yet.

I’m getting there.  This is helping me a lot and I actually feel like it may be OK soon.  I may actually be able to drive to the beach this year.

First, I will drive to the baseball game in T-town next week. :)  One step at a time.  I feel like there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

 

 

Zoloft: Day 18

OK I’m supposed to be working so I’ll try to keep this quick.  I’ve been logging massive work hours lately so yay!

About this anxiety crap in my life….

I’ve been taking Zoloft.  This is day 18.  I took 1/2 pills for a week, then bumped it up to whole pills (50mg) for a week, then feeling very frustrated that I didnt feel any different at all I asked my dr if I could bump it up again.  She said I could try it but that I hadnt really given the med time to work yet.  The thing was that I wasnt having any bad side effects at all – a good side effect was that I was a bit more motivated around the house etc, but I was still freaking out about driving.

Hubby has still been the driver and he has been a good sport but I know its working on his nerves.  I don’t blame him.  We have busy kids and there is a lot of running around to do.

Well last Tuesday the school called, my son had puked and I needed to go pick him up.  Hubby was asleep since he works 3rd shift.  I was feeling “off” that day anyway and knew it wouldn’t be easy but I had to go right?  And its stupid anyway, so I decided to go get him.  No ativan in me at all.

I made it about a mile towards town and panic hit me.  I pulled over and sat there, planning to continue on but just couldn’t make myself.  Then I started thinking yea, what if I go get him, and then this happens the whole way home?  I’m so afraid I’m going to hurt someone when these panic attacks hit me in the car.

SO…I finally calmed down enough and drove home and woke up my hubby.  I felt completely defeated.  I couldn’t even go get my son from school when he was sick!  I did get in the car and ride along with hubby cuz I am determined not to give up and need to get in a car as often as possible to learn to deal with this.  It was ok, but geesh.  Kid3 was freezing so hubby blasted the heat and we put the windows up.  Kill me now.

That whole thing was very upsetting to me.  I have a family and responsibilities.  They need to be able to count on me in an emergency to be able to drive them somewhere!  If I had been by myself that day – and not going to pick someone up – I would have fought through it and made my way there step by step, however long it took.  But that’s different.  My puking kid was sitting in the school office with a bucket waiting for me.  I had to hurry!

This was before I upped my zoloft to 75 mg.  And that day I determined that the only was I was going to get  over this is to go for a drive every single day until I get over this nonsense.  Like I did with the grocery store way back when.   And when hubby goes somewhere, I go along if I can, just to get more exposure.

So Monday evening I took 75mg Zoloft instead of 50.  The next morning was hell.  I was heaving, although I never actually puked and I was burning up like before on the Celexa.  Its not like a fever.  Its like I feel like I’m burning up from the inside out.  I googled it later and it seems that is just another way a panic attack manifests itself for some people.  One lady on a message board said she decided to decide that she liked when she felt that way and to look forward to it.  She said “imagine how many calories I’m burning when I heat up like that!”  And then that took away the power, she was no longer afraid of that and she rarely has that symptom anymore.  LOVE THAT!

SO the Tuesday I went back to 50mg.  My plan was to increase it slowly, every other night.  I felt normal Wednesday morning.  Wednesday eve I took 75mg again and expected to feel crappy this morning.  I was kinda looking forward to the burning sensation cuz I was all psyched up to change it into a positive too – but it never came.  I felt good this morning too.  Maybe my body is getting used to the increased dose already.  Who knows.

And just now I got in my car and drove around the block.  Yippee.  Katy Perry – Roar was on the radio and I sag it loud and proud and smiled.  Tomorrow I’ll do it again.  Only maybe further.  Or maybe I’ll do it again tonight.  We’ll see. But I’m not giving up.

Have good day.  Enjoy the sunshine!

I Do Stuff

 

Things I’ve done lately that point out to me how little I’ve been doing lately.

– Threw out bags of marshmallows that were in the cupboard with our tea & hot cocoa that were ancient and rock hard.

– Moved everything and wiped off the top shelf of the refrigerator.

– Made a recipe that I made up myself just cuz I was inspired.  Used to do that all the time.

– Put a suitcase in the attic.  It has been sitting in my bedroom for many months.

– Cut up veggies for quick snacks the kids can grab instead of junk food.  Used to do this all the time.  Seems like years ago.

– Been making a list for each night so everyone knows what needs to be done and who is going where when.  Organizing the chaos.

– Updated our budget spreadsheet that tracks our debt and how we are paying it down and put it on the bulletin board in the office.

– Organized my work email with new filter/folders.

– Updated all the school papers/fundraisers/sports papers all on the kitchen cabinets so its all current.

– Washed, folded & put away laundry all in the same day.

– Made some phone calls I’ve been putting off for a good while now.

– Doing my dance videos again during work breaks to move around a bit after sitting for too long!

This was just this week and it’s only Wednesday!

The thing about this is that I’m like wow – look at me doing stuff!  I actually notice the cobwebs on the ceiling fans and the bathroom light fixture (haven’t cleaned them yet tho. ha)  I do stuff.  Not like I didn’t do stuff before but…. ugh.  I hope you know what I mean.  I didn’t do any of the extra stuff.  I did what needed to be done and that was it I guess.  I hope this continues cuz my house would appreciate this new energy!

I don’t know if it cuz I weaned off of my medicine and this is the normal me  – or it is increased motivation from beginning zoloft.  I wish it was just me but.. ..  it’s the me I used to be before I got all freaked out from panic attacks and this whole horrible cycle of panic attacks and different medications started!  I hope this me sticks around.  I remember feeling kinda like this when I started wellbutrin last time too.  It’s like it’s just a little kick in the pants and it’s awesome.  I know  the zoloft is just now getting built up in my system so who knows what will happen but I like this.  So for now, I’m going to enjoy it.  It’s driving my kids crazy unfortunately.  They get a lot more to do when I see all the things that need to be done.  Poor kids.  lol

 

Celexa vs Zoloft

I know that some people do use Celexa for anxiety – just from reading blogs etc I know that.  And the guy that posts the anxiety videos on youtube takes Celexa.

I still find it curious that Celexa is what my doctor suggested for me.  Straight from the medication guide that came from the pharmacy it says that Celexa (Citalporam) is used to treat depression.

Contrast that to Zoloft which says that it treats depression, panic disorder, OCD, PTSD, social anxiety disorder and PMDD.

I kinda think its funny that it is supposed to treat all those!  I should never have another bad day again in my life – even PMS! – if all goes according to plan!

Here’s hoping :)

Started Zoloft: Day 3

Hi.  So I weaned down off of Celexa, took nothing for one day and then started on Zoloft.  I was nervous about taking the Zoloft and thought I might wait a while but decided to dive in and just get the initial side effects over.

I was feeling good, normalish even and wanted to stay that way.  Ha.  At the same time I want to get this figured out.  I have things to do, places to go, a life to live – worrying about panic attacks every day of my life is screwing up my plans.

Today is Day 3 for Zoloft.  I’ve taken 3 half pills.  I’ve been taking them at supper time.  I read so many different stories – some people have horrible crazy dreams when they take it at night.  Some can’t sleep at all.  Others is seems to make them very tired.  Who knows.  Iam very busy at work right now and can’t risk losing  a nights sleep.  And taking it in the morning may mean I get too tired to even be able to work.  So I decided to take it at supper time – 5ish and that has worked so far.  I havent noticed much difference – and really no side effects yet either.

Well, it is a little harder to get out of bed in the morning, but it seems like I’m sleeping ok.

Oh – also –  remember when I got so sick on the Celexa – SO SICK that I couldn’t even think of my beloved coffee for days – well I am still drinking green tea instead.  I’ve known for a long time that I need to slow down on the coffee.  Hopefully I can keep that up.

I still haven’t really driven anywhere.  Hubby has been a great Mr. Mom, chauffeuring the kids around.  I’m getting my nerve back and think it’s gonna be ok soon.  We are running low on feminine supplies and while hubby will get them if I ask, it’s a good motivator to get me to venture out to the store.  There are 3 of us girls here in the house that need products and everyone has their own preferences.  lol  The list is a little long and those aisles can be complicated.  ha.

I did drive up to the barn tonight where hubby was working on his tractor – usually I would walk it but it was a good ice breaker for me and the van :)

 

 

 

L

Celexa Journey Stops Here: Day 18

Day 18 : 3/22/14

I took 1/2 a celexa last night.  Hopefully that is my last one.  If hubby doesn’t get to the pharmacy for me today, I may have to take it again tonight but hopefully that won’t be the case.

I talked to my doctor yesterday and she agreed it was time to try something else.  I asked about Zoloft and she said that sounded good.  She also suggested I might have just “caught a bug” and that is why I have been so sick.  I know that is true.  But.  I have been dizzy and naseaus for over a week and never actually had a fever.  Add to that the fact that my anxiety has been through the roof and my brain has not been able to calm the crazy constant thoughts and what-ifs.  Itwas like my normal worries turned up on high speed that would not stop no matter what.  And THAT was from the medicine, I guarantee it.

So I am hopeful that I am able to tolerate zoloft better.  I’m nervous about starting over and hope that the initial side effects for it are not as bad and don’t last as long.

Celexa Journey: Day 16

Today will be Day 16.  I havent taken it yet.  I’ve been taking it at night before bed.  Maybe I should change that to morning.  Maybe I will be able to get out of bed tomorrow!  OR maybe it will just ruin the whole day.  ANd can I just take it several hours early or will that screw me up too?  I have no idea what to do?

I want to call my doctor and ask to try zoloft instead.  That was the one I had been leaning toward before I went to see her last.  She suggested Celexa and I said OK.  I understand that these types of meds have initial side effects but I’ve never had any this bad before.  Even Paxil – which was a nightmare – was more manageable than this.

I was telling myself I’d stick it out until Monday and if I wasnt better then I’d call her.  But now I dont know if I should wait.  Usually I’ve noticed the med actually working at least some already by this time.  This seems to just have me afraid to do or go absolutely anywhere.

Sigh.  Help please.  When I google it there are so many opinions because these meds affect everyone differently but I really dont see this one helping me at all.  And it feels like its killing me!

This morning I did get up at 6 – so that was better.  I did take an ativan at 5 again too.  Well half a one today cuz I’m getting low.  I felt shaky and dizzy and like I needed to hold onto the walls when I walked.  I went out to check the fire and ended up just sitting down on the concrete for a few minutes before coming back in.  This is nasty.  I had made my son a bagel before I went to check the fire.  I had to go lay down on the couch then and he came and babbled at me about legos while he ate his bagel on the couch too.  I really tried this morning to get back to the routine but I was exhausted.  I haven’t worked since Monday!  Ugh!  I hate to even see my inbox.

Yes, I am here typing this all out instead of working.  Believe me, I am in no mental state that I should be spending people’s money right now.  It’s best for me not to work right now.  But I DO need to get back to it – and fast!

I need to find a solution and this really doesnt feel like it!

Ugh.  So should I call her today – wait till tomorrow?  Wait till Monday?  The thought of weaning off of this one and then starting over with another – that may have nasty side effects also is not appealing at all.  Of course nether is continuing on this way.  AGHHHH!

Celexa Journey: Day 15

Well it’s day 15 and I’m ready to quit this Celexa!  Let me tell you whats been happening….

I’ve been takign whole pills since Day 7, so dose is 20mg.

Day 14 : 3/18/14

SO SICK!  Tuesday I woke up in the morning at 6 as usual.  Talked to kid1 for a few minutes in the hall, went into the bathroom and OMG it hit me.  I was dizzy, thinking I was going to fall off the toilet before I could even be done peeing!  Sorry for the grossness of this post but OMG.  Then I was dry heaving, trying to puke and I couldn’t.  Then I was just curled up with my forehead on the floor cuz it felt cool.  I swear I was on fire.  I truly don’t think I’ve ever been that hot before in my life!  You know how when you get sick and are trying to puke you get all feverish feeling, well this was like that – only maxed out.  I couldn’t get up off the floor.   After a few minutes, I had to get up though cuz all of a sudden I had horrible diarrhea.  Finally I felt sturdy enough that I could walk out of the bathroom and kind of ran to the couch.  I asked Kid1 to get me a bowl and turn on the ceiling fan.  I was burning up.  I ran back and forth to the bathroom a few times and then laid there on the couch.  My girls were helpful in getting their little brother moving before they left to catch the bus.  As soon as hubby got home I went upstairs.  I had to practically crawl up the steps and the movement had me in the upstairs bathroom trying to puke again.  As soon as I could I went and got my pillow from my bed and just laid on the bathroom floor.  Hubby came to check on me and said he’d be back after he got kid3 on the bus.

I was asleep by the time he came back but he woke me up and made sure I had my cell so I could get ahold of him if I needed him.  He was going to the basement to sleep cuz obviously our bed was germified now.  ha.  I stayed there till about noon I guess.  Then came downstairs to get some water.  I slept on the couch the rest of the day.  As soon as I would move, I felt dizzy. I did stumble back to my desk to get an ativan somewhere in there – because even as I was just laying there on the couch I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  It felt like I was having an hours long panic attack that just wouldn’t quit.  If nothing else, the ativan helped me go back to sleep.

I googled more about celexa when I was laying in bed last night and there are so many stories about how bad the side effects are and how if you can stick it out, it’ll be worth it.  I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  Then of course hubby is convinced it’s just the flu.  If it’s the flu – its the flu combined with the celexa if you ask me.  Not being able to breath and the dizziness that was SO intense seemed like more than the flu to me.

Took only 1/2 pill tonight – afraid to take a whole one and I know better than to quit cold turkey.

Day 15 : 3/19/14

Wednesday. I felt like I was having a panic attack as soon as I opened my eyes at 5am.  I immediately took an ativan.  That was one of the things I read the night before – use your benzo to help you through these side effects.  That took a while but I did fall back asleep.  My alarm went off at 6 then and I sat up and felt dizzy and started sweating  right away again.  I called to Kid1 and told her I wasn’t getting up today cuz I still felt horrid.  She was surprised but said OK.  I told her to make sure Kid3 was up and about before leaving.  There is about half an hour between the time my girls leave for the bus and hubby gets home from work.  I truly didn’t care if anyone went to school or what happened, I wasn’t getting out of bed.  That’s how bad I felt.  Hubby came to check on me when he got home.  He just said “That bad?”  I said “Yep”.  And that was it.  I slept till someone was beating on our door at 10am.  I looked dreadful and was not going to the door.  They finally went away but I was awake then.  I slowly made it downstairs cuz I was starving and had some tea and toast.  Then I rested on the couch a while.  Then I took a quick shower and got dressed.  By then I was exhausted and laid down on the couch – it was probably around noon.  I woke up when my son came in the door at 4:15!  Ugh!  My girls were home and making mac n cheese very quietly in the kitchen.  Ha.  Nice to know they can hold down the fort while I’m sick.

I did sit at the table and eat some supper with everyone last night and I kinda wandered around the house last night picking things up and finding out what was happening with my kids.  I sat up on the couch when we watched survivor.  woo hoo!  lol

Took 1/2 a pill again – afraid to take a whole pill!

Celexa Journey: Day 8

Day 8: 3/12/14

Started taking whole pills on day 7.  20 mg.

We ordered hoagies from my sister-in-law for a fundraiser.  We had to go to town to pick them up.  I was having a bad anxiety type of day and didn’t really want to go.  Hubby said he’d go.  I decided to be brave and go with him.  I hadn’t been out of the house lately and was getting tired of being afraid of these panic attacks.  Well he jumped up immediately to go, and I felt rushed and un-prepared – cuz I’m just nuts I guess – but I went anyway.  We had barely pulled out of the driveway and my world started spinning.  I was hot and felt puky and swirly and argh!  I laid back my seat and told hubby I wanted to go home.  He said really?  I said No, cuz I need to do this but I might just pass out on you.  He rolled the windows the whole way down so I had this massive cold breeze blowing over me and we continued on.  It passed after a few minutes but of course then I was a shaky mess.  Strangely he was surprised that I didn’t want to go into the grocery store with him.   He went in, got what we needed, then headed over to get the hoagies, again I said no thanks, I’ll wait in the car.

The way home was better but I was very upset and told him I wished I had never told him about my panic attacks.  I said that if I had never told him, I would have said I’d go get the hoagies, I’d have done it alone.  I may have had to pull over and do some deep breathing or something along the way and it would have sucked big time But I would have done it.  I told him I probably would have sat in the parking lot at the grocery store for a while until they were less busy and go in like a mom on a mission.  And probably would have cried from relief when I got back to my car.  He said “And that would have been better than telling me?”  I said I think it would.  It all seems too real now that he knows.  I feel like  a weakling that he has to deal with.

He told me it was fine and he would stick it out with me.  Not real mushy or anything but still pretty good coming from him. :D

These things have all gotten worse again lately.  Stores hadn’t been a problem for a while now.  This driving anxiety though is screwing me up big time and doesn’t really work when you’re a mom!  Feeling very frustrated and just want to go pull the covers up over my head.

Day 9: 3/13/14

Hubby was determined to go do something just cuz he’s sick of being cooped up inside.  Our family hardly ever goes to the movies.  Maybe like twice a year.  He decided he was taking Kid3 to see the Lego movie.  Kid2 was already at a friend’s house for the night and Kid1 had no other plans so she was going.  I said I wasn’t going anywhere.  Hubby kept saying that he wished I would go.  This is new.  He usually doesn’t do that at all – and prides himself on the fact that he is so independent he needs no one, so of course I think he was doing that – trying to help me get out of the house again.  I was feeling better than the day before but still nervous of course.

I finally said OK – there was time so I took an ativan – first one in a few days – I haven been taking them much since I started celexa.  And we went to the movies.  We got there very early – cuz that is how hubby is.  There are always like 20 minutes of previews so I prefer to get there on time or even late.  We were there like 1/2 an hour early. We were the only ones in the theater.  Hubby sat right in the middle.  That was OK but I was worried that it would fill up and I would feel trapped.  I was very nervous sitting there and kept trying to distract myself with my ipod.  And kid2 was shopping with friends and kept texting me pics of dresses for formal – that helped too.

It didn’t get very crowded but people did sit directly behind us which was weird – at least skip a row – there was tons of room.  And the little kids behind us gave a running commentary.  It was cute and didn’t bother me since the the movie was pretty boring anyway.

RELIEF when that move was over and we were on the way home. So much RELIEF.  I made it.  It was fun.  Even more importantly, it was over.  Ha.  Got home and went straight to bed.  Bliss.

Celexa Journey: Day 6

Day 6: 3/11/14

So I’ve taken 6 half pills now, tonight I will start taking a whole pill and I’m nervous.  The dizziness and tiredness has subsided a bit.  My daughter is very impatiently waiting for me to take her dress shopping so I hope that the dizziness doesnt come again.

I have been avoiding driving – or going anywhere really.  It’s worked out well, we are kinda between basketball and baseball right now.  There are still practices but no games.  And the baseball coach is a neighbor so he has just been taking our son to practice with him which means we didn’t have to drive him.  Tonight my daughter has track and I need some things from the store so I plan to drive her there.  I hate that I am nervous about it!  Ugh.  Hubby will not be here so it will be on me.  I will probably take an ativan this afternoon to prepare.  Craziness.  Even before I started this Celexa and was having quite a few panic attacks, I was still driving.  Now with Celexa, the dizziness at first scared me a little, and then I avoided it and have become a major homebody – I guess that’s why I’m more nervous.  It occurs to me now that it might be smart to go for a quick drive today.  Maybe on my lunch break.  That would help my nerves.  Even if I just drive around the countryside here for a few minutes.  We’ll see.  I’m busy and will probably get into my work mode and not want to stop to go.

I’m not sure if the Celexa has helped much yet or not.  I havent taken ativan for 3 days.  I was impressed with myself when I realized that.  BUT.  I havent gone anywhere either for 3 days!  lol  Even so, before that I was taking them even when I was staying home cuz I felt like jumping out of my skin.  So it might be helping.  Or it might be that my hormones are calm right now.  Or it might be the sunshine or the extra sleep I’ve been getting.  Who knows.  Time will tell I guess.

I did play Just Dance on the wii with my daughter 2 nights in a row now though.  That’s something.  Sad but true – usually I wold not have the energy or desire to do that.  It was fun.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.