Anxiety Overload

What a week!

(And it's only Wednesday???)

Monday evening hubby totally ticked me off.  I told him so.  And then as usual, he got ticked at me for being ticked at him.  I bit my tongue (mostly) Monday night because the kiddos were home.  Tuesday morning after they all left for school we had a big “discussion” about it.  It wasn’t really a fight I guess.  There were words, there was some yelling and some crying.  There were some more words and maybe even some solutions. I hope to have time to babble more about this later!

Monday night/Tuesday morning were stressful.  I was on edge and feeling really out of sorts.  I had PMS last week, my period this week.  My period week is usually better for me in terms of hormones, emotions etc but I feel like my skin is crawling so that theory isn’t accurate this month.

Then today I read a post on Roots To Blossom.  She is an amazing lady – she has been through hell and back and is such an inspiration!  I was reading her story about depression & the birth of her first child and got so overwhelmed just reading it.  Seriously I had to put my head down and try to stop the spinning – I thought I was going to pass out.  I was already feeling all out of sorts and the story was intense and I guess it just got me.  I was sitting here, leaning down with my head between my knees thinking that I can’t even read it without losing it – this woman lived it!

Then I really messed up at work.  Ugh.  I hate to admit it but I did.  The client was very angry and threatening  to cancel his account with me.   I’m getting more & more clients and it’s getting to be too much for one person to handle.  Of course I don’t want to out-source it but I think I’m going to have to.  This screw up was just because an important task got lost on my huge task list on my calendar.

I felt sick to my stomach as soon as I realized what I had done.  And I knew I had to tell the client.  He is not a very forgiving man so I knew that was going to completely suck.  I had to get away from it.  I went out and walked around the snowy yard for a while, talking to myself.  lol  Mostly in my head but occasionally out loud.  I’m sure the neighbors think I’m crazy.  I felt light headed and like I couldn’t get my breath.

Finally I came in and dealt with the problem.  I seriously wondered if I could get through that call without throwing up!  He was mad.  He was not nice.  He threatened to pull his business.  I calmly explained, apologized, and offered a solution.  When we hung up he was still angry and said he would contact me tomorrow to transfer his account to another company.  Fast forward a few hours.  He sent a calm email saying he wasn’t going to fire me after all.  Yippee.

The thing is that I was feeling on edge and panicky before any of these things even happened.  So then the things I can usually handle pretty much put me over the edge.  Ugh.

I have a few more marketing reports I need to finish up before I can have some wine.  Really looking forward to it tonight though!

Quick Freak Out Update

Yesterday Kid1 and I BOTH went to the dentist.  She had a tooth pulled and I had my teeth cleaned.  It’s been 2 years I think since I went for me.  Seems I spend lots of time there but that’s cuz I have 3 kids :)

I made it through that pretty well.  I was thoroughly drugged with ativan.  But I did it and that was the goal.

Now tonight we are going to an open house at the career and technology center because Kid1 wants to go there next year.  Aaagghh.  It will be crowded, it will be hot.  I am PRAYING they don’t try to make parents sit in a room and attend some sort of information session.  Aaaggghh.

Oh yea of course the hormones are freaking me out – I actually expect to get my period today – so I’m at my highest freak out level.  Ha.  Of course.

He Gave me an Out and I Took It.

I got up yesterday morning at 6am and took an ativan, fully intending to go to the open house.  I was going to take another at 9am and be thoroughly medicated for the day.  Not the best solution, but it was indeed a solution.

The more hubby talked about it the more nauseous I felt.  And then I started shaking – worse than the normal Wellbutrin shakes.  My nerves were in a bunch which meant I had to keep running to the bathroom.  Hubby knew this was happening, assumed I was sick and asked me if I was ok – if I was sure I should go.  I said ” I don’t want to disappoint you.  I want to go.”  He said he wanted me to go but would not be disappointed.  He said he understood.

He gave me an out and I took it.

I didn’t go.

I hate typing that for the world to see.

I was too chicken.  I talked myself right out of it.

When they got home and told me all about it – I was VERY glad I didn’t go.  They were all hot & sweaty and complaining about how crowded it was.  Hubby said when they pulled into the parking lot they could see the line wrapped the whole way around the block.  He couldn’t believe it.  They had to wait in the line at least 40 minutes before they even got in.  (Hate those long crowd lines!)

Then it was crowded in the place and they didn’t even stay to see everything they wanted to cuz it was just was too hot to wait in more lines.  He said I would have hated how hot it was. (I hate to be hot.  Cue the heat flashes…)

He took his camera and was going to take pics but I guess got annoyed by it all and didn’t take any.  He was glad the kids saw where he goes everyday though.  Kid3 thought it was very cool but the girls were a bit bored.

Anyway – it is over and done with now. I do wish it hadn’t been an issue at all though.

I took the time to lay on the couch and veg out.   Yes,  I was dishonest and milked that “sickness” all day.  Yes I did.  I even stayed home from the 4th of July picnic at the in-laws and just watched from the porch as the neighborhood gathered to put off fireworks.   And I had an afternoon nap and caught up on my sleep.  Yep – call it a mental health day. I needed that!

I read this book yesterday actually.  The whole thing :)
This Is Not The Story You Think It Is: A Season of Unlikely Happiness

I’m not proud that I lied.  But it is what it is at this point.  As I said, he gave me an out and I took it.

Panic Attacks: Dreading Tomorrow

Yesterday I posted about working the concession booth and being all confident and not freaking out or having a panic attack.

Today – I feel like throwing up just thinking about what tomorrow brings.


Hubby’s workplace is having an open house.

He is so excited.  This is the first time ever that they have allowed family/public into the place.  It is a big production place and there are tons of safety issues.  It will be safe for the open house of course but what I mean is – it’s not like an office where a spouse or whoever could pop in and say hello.  So even though my hubby has worked with this company for 20-some years, I have never seen his workplace.  I have been in the parking lots many many times.  lol  (Occasionally there is a story on the news about the place so I guess I have actually seen the inside of the place that way.  )

Anyway – it will be crowded.  And it is a new unfamiliar place that I will likely feel trapped and I am dreading it so much.  He was telling me this morning how they have areas roped off for visitors etc.  All I could think of is that I will not be able to get the hell out of there if I need to!  There will be no bathroom close by that I can escape to.  And with all the security crap I will have to stay with the group and in designated areas….  Aaaagghhhh!

I want out of it in the worst way.

His mom & dad are coming too.  That just makes it more stressful.

And of course it’s the exact time of the month that my hormones go into overdrive.  Perfect timing.

He is so excited.  I am so not.

I don’t want to disappoint him.  I can’t just say I don’t want to go.  Truth be told he is more excited about his dad seeing the place than me.  That’s understandable – they are both welders and will think it is all so very cool.  Sure I’d like to see where my hubby goes every day, but …

My plan is to go to bed at a decent time so I get enough sleep.  I will get up early enough in the am to calmly start the day and I will take plenty of ativan and try not to puke/pass out.

Good plan right?????

The plan in the back of my mind though is that I will somehow have to take Kid1 to have her knee x-rayed at that time.  Wouldn’t that be a shame?  That’s important and needs to be done right?  But tomorrow is a holiday – 4th of July – so the xray place will probably be closed….    Or I could get sick.  I better start faking sick now though so it is convincing…..

Again, aaagggghhhhh!

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.