Dear Hubby,
I am not a bitch. Even though you act like I am.
I am smart. Is that why you lash out at me? Are you threatened by me?
I asked you a question this morning about the tool shed you are building. I asked you several actually. Call it curiosity. I thought we were having a real conversation.
Silly me.
I guarantee that you would have had a million questions for me if I was doing something like that. And a million opinions about how I was doing it wrong. Is that why you expect the same from me?
News flash: I AM NOT LIKE YOU.
I forgot that you are so insecure that any time I ask you anything about something you are doing – you think I am judging you or questioning your decisions. You think I am putting you down. And you go into jerk mode.
You know, people have conversations all the time about things that are happening. If my Dad/brother/friend… even father-in-law was building a shed I might have had a similar conversation with them. I could have made the exact same comment while talking to pretty much anyone else and they would not have taken offense to it.
(I feel the need to defend myself here to the blog world. You must think I surely said it in a snarky way or something. I did not. I promise. We were sitting at the table, I was drinking coffee, we were gabbing about the day, the conversation turned to the shed, BAM!)
The question that set you off? “You’re not giving up on building your garage are you? Are you doing this instead of a garage?”
I meant no harm. I wasn’t saying that you shouldn’t build the shed because I want you to build a garage. I wasn’t yelling at you for not building a garage yet. I was just inquiring. I don’t care if you build 10 sheds and still want a garage. I was hoping you hadn’t given up your plans for the garage, that is all. In my mind, maybe I thought I would be encouraging you. I meant to be supportive and positive about both plans.
Nothing I do is right in your mind. I did nothing wrong. You acted like an ass.
You said “I wish I had a way to haul some shale in.” And you started talking about how you were going to build the shed. I made several comments, all supportive. I have no opinion about how you build it. I couldn’t care less. Truly. It’s a tool shed. I know nothing about building a tool shed.
Whatever.
I guess it was just a continuation of you being jerky at dinner last night.
The phone company is running new wires out here so we can have faster DSL. I watched them yesterday from my office window. A man was up in the bucket truck with a huge spool of cable. The truck moved up the road slowly as he unwound it and some other men walked along behind the truck. I though it was neat. I even took a picture.
At dinner Kid3 mentioned that he saw the trucks out there early in the morning. I chimed in and told you all how I saw them in the bucket truck today and blah blah blah. You looked at me and said “Well duh. How else do you expect them to run the wire? They have to lay it out before they can hang it on the poles.” You said something like that. I don’t think you called it hanging it on the poles. Not the point.
I enjoyed seeing them do that. I was happy to tell what I saw. You immediately had to demean me with it. I called you on it. I said “Well you may know everything but I don’t so I thought it was neat to see them do that.” You said “No, I don’t know everything…” and were ready to launch into this big thing about how I over-react to everything. I stopped you and said something to the effect that you just love to try to make me look stupid. You didn’t have to put me down. I said “I am done talking to you!”
After everyone ate, I was cleaning up the kitchen, he & the kids were still sitting at the table talking, he got up and said “Well, now that I’ve called everyone stupid, I guess I’ll go watch the news.” I said “Not everyone, just me.” Kid1 chimed in “Me too.” He said “Great” and left the room. It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. It will not sink in. He will not change how he speaks to me. He will not think of me any differently. Well maybe he’ll think I am even more of a nuisance now.
He gets off on trying to make himself feel superior to everyone else. His older sister is the same. She goes off on these rants. Her husband told her to get off her high-horse once during a get-together. She told him she was just giving her opinion. He told her that we didn’t all need to be subjected to her opinion about everything little thing. He hit the nail on the head with that one. I wanted to jump up and scream hallelujah!
Hubby is the same way. He has an opinion about everything. Sometimes he is wrong. He even has very strong opinions about things he knows nothing about. That is what really infuriates me. Sometimes I will mention a work problem and he goes off on this rant and of course he has the solution right? Problem is that he knows nothing about programming. I look at him incredulously and wonder how in the heck he can even feel confident making those remarks! I would not go on a rant telling him the correct way to weld something! I would never think that I had a solution like that for him. Yet, he does that to me. Umm, no – I just went to college for 4 years to learn how to do this. I even worked at xxxxx and yyyyy for a while…. but you know better dear. WHAT?!?!? You’d think I would have gained some respect from him – at least in this area – by now.
How does a person get so egotistical? How?
Then when I look closely I see that his mother is the same. She is more subtle about it. But she has an opinion about EVERYTHING too that she feels the need to share. I mean seriously some things do not need to be said. And how about for once admitting to yourself that someone MAY know more about a particular topic than you do?!
And for a moment let’s assume that you DO know more than everyone about everything… do you really need to be an ass about it? Couldn’t you be a genius AND be kind?
See there is no excuse for you treating me like that. None.
I don’t care if you are tired. I don’t care if your back hurts. I don’t care whatever else the problem may be. You do not need to talk to me like that.
I really wish you didn’t think of me the way you do though. You think I am an evil person working against you. I’m not. More than anything I want us to be on the SAME side. We’re supposed to be a team working together in this world.
Sincerely,
Z
A simple conversation. An innocent remark. An angry husband.
Repeat this over and over and this is my life.
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