Salt & Pepper Fury

I cooked supper in the crockpot yesterday and later asked hubby if he liked it since it was something I had never cooked before.  He said it was great.  I said “You must have put salt & pepper on it huh?  Because …”  And that’s as far as I got.  He immediately got mad and yelled at me that he only put salt & pepper on his own, not the whole crockpot full. And he went on and on and was so mad at me!  OK……

Once again, we had a big issue where I had to explain that I am not the devil and was not accusing him of anything.  Right away he assumed that I was giving him heck cuz I thought he ruined a crockpot full of food maybe?  He’s on the defensive.  Lately, he interprets anything I say as me attacking him.

I wasn’t attacking him.  I was just talking about the food.  I didn’t like it and thought it didn’t really have any flavor.  I put salt on it and then it was OK.  He puts tons of salt & pepper on everything so when I asked him if he liked supper and he said he did, I thought that must be why.  That is all!  I don’t think my tone was accusing or angry or loud.  I know it wasn’t!  He is just all defensive again and I don’t know why.  And it sucks.

I know he’s stressed. Our schedule sucks right now.  Kid2 has basketball practice from 8:30-10am.  Then both girls have band camp from 10-2:45am.  Then Kid1 has volleyball practice from 4:30-7.  This started Monday and continues all next week too.  Then school starts and basketball, volleyball and football games (band!) are in full swing.  Yesterday we threw in an eye dr appointment and an orthodontist appointment too.  Oh, and Kid2 went to her running group last night too at 7pm.  It seems all I do is run back and forth to town – about 10 minutes each way now cuz there is construction.  In between that I am working cuz, you know, I have a job.  My family seems to forget that and it is definitely not high priority to them.  Grrr.

Of course there are projects that we wanted to complete this summer that didn’t get done.  So there are half finished things everywhere you look, the house needs cleaned.  There are laundry piles in the living room.  We are back-to-school shopping ( in a very limited way!)  The farm show in our town is this week and the kids are all in it with their different groups.

Today we add team photos to the regular schedule so that is more running around.

The other day he woke up around 4.  2 of the kids and I were sitting in the living room with the TV on, eating sandwiches.  Kid1 had to be at vball in half an hour and that was supper.  Well he came down and saw me sitting there and I swear he thinks I do that all day while he is sleeping!  I had been sitting there maybe 10 minutes!  And then we were off running again.   Geesh.

Give me a break.  And give me some credit!

And get your head out of your butt and realize that I am not out to get you!  I have proven that time and time again.  What more will it take??

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Anxiety Overload

What a week!

(And it's only Wednesday???)

Monday evening hubby totally ticked me off.  I told him so.  And then as usual, he got ticked at me for being ticked at him.  I bit my tongue (mostly) Monday night because the kiddos were home.  Tuesday morning after they all left for school we had a big “discussion” about it.  It wasn’t really a fight I guess.  There were words, there was some yelling and some crying.  There were some more words and maybe even some solutions. I hope to have time to babble more about this later!

Monday night/Tuesday morning were stressful.  I was on edge and feeling really out of sorts.  I had PMS last week, my period this week.  My period week is usually better for me in terms of hormones, emotions etc but I feel like my skin is crawling so that theory isn’t accurate this month.

Then today I read a post on Roots To Blossom.  She is an amazing lady – she has been through hell and back and is such an inspiration!  I was reading her story about depression & the birth of her first child and got so overwhelmed just reading it.  Seriously I had to put my head down and try to stop the spinning – I thought I was going to pass out.  I was already feeling all out of sorts and the story was intense and I guess it just got me.  I was sitting here, leaning down with my head between my knees thinking that I can’t even read it without losing it – this woman lived it!

Then I really messed up at work.  Ugh.  I hate to admit it but I did.  The client was very angry and threatening  to cancel his account with me.   I’m getting more & more clients and it’s getting to be too much for one person to handle.  Of course I don’t want to out-source it but I think I’m going to have to.  This screw up was just because an important task got lost on my huge task list on my calendar.

I felt sick to my stomach as soon as I realized what I had done.  And I knew I had to tell the client.  He is not a very forgiving man so I knew that was going to completely suck.  I had to get away from it.  I went out and walked around the snowy yard for a while, talking to myself.  lol  Mostly in my head but occasionally out loud.  I’m sure the neighbors think I’m crazy.  I felt light headed and like I couldn’t get my breath.

Finally I came in and dealt with the problem.  I seriously wondered if I could get through that call without throwing up!  He was mad.  He was not nice.  He threatened to pull his business.  I calmly explained, apologized, and offered a solution.  When we hung up he was still angry and said he would contact me tomorrow to transfer his account to another company.  Fast forward a few hours.  He sent a calm email saying he wasn’t going to fire me after all.  Yippee.

The thing is that I was feeling on edge and panicky before any of these things even happened.  So then the things I can usually handle pretty much put me over the edge.  Ugh.

I have a few more marketing reports I need to finish up before I can have some wine.  Really looking forward to it tonight though!

Wishy-Washy Me

I have not been blogging.  The usual reasons stand – too busy, etc.  BUT.  I was thinking about this last night – if I’m  being completely honest, I haven’t been blogging because I am concerned about what my cyber friends will say and that I will be judged.  And wasn’t that the whole purpose of this blog in the first place??  To avoid both of those things!!

Heck in my very first post, I wrote “You don’t know me.  And I like it that way.  I want to say what I want to say without being judged and without hurting anyone’s feelings.”

Well now some of you do ‘know’ me.  And for that I am very thankful!  So now I just have to jump back in and say what I want to say without worrying about being judged!

It’s not that I have anything terribly scandalous to say.  lol  I am just so wishy-washy and can’t seem to make a decision about my marriage to save my life.  One day I want to jump in with both feet and decide that I’m gonna power through it no matter what – hoping & praying & holding onto the dream that it will get better.  The next day I am chastising myself for sticking around as long as I have.

It’s the same old, same old. I wish I could make a decision and commit to it.

But this is my journal type blog and the whole purpose of it was to have a safe place to vent and work things out in my mind.  And my heart.  And to meet some people who can relate.

So I will swallow my pride, and blog what I feel, even if I do look stupid.

I Miss My Boyfriend.

Hubby’s birthday was Saturday.  It was a weekend of big ups and downs for me.  I like giving gifts.  I put thought into them.  It makes me happy. Hubby isn’t good at giving or receiving gifts.  His selfish ass won’t even say thank you half the time.

Hubby zonked out on the couch Friday night of course and stayed there.  When I woke up Saturday morning at 7:30 he was already gone.  He had gone for more furnace parts.  (We bought and he is installing an outside furnace.)  I decided to clean house and make my kids help me which apparently was torture for them :)  He came home and then was working in and out of the basement, and then helping at his sister’s house where they are also installing one.  At noon, I went and interrupted him at his sister’s house to come have cake at his moms with everyone.  This irritated him.  O well.  We had cake, he barely smiled but he ate some.  He left and went back to his sisters house.  We barely saw him all day.

The plan was that we would take him out for dinner that night.  He had even already told us where he wanted to go.  Finally at about 6:00 I figured this was not gonna happen, ordered some cheese steaks and pizza and went to pick it up.  I stopped at his sisters house once again and told him food was here.  (His sister and her husband were not home this whole time.  They were at a wedding and hubby was finishing the install for them.)  He actually turned around, looked at me and asked what I ordered.  And do you know what is so stinking sad?!?!?

It struck me that he actually looked at me and talked to me.  That should not be!  You would think that would be an everyday occurrence wouldn’t you?  Seeing how we’re married and live together and all….   Agh!

Anyway, he came home shortly after that – we ate supper, we gave him Cheetos – which is what he told the kids he wanted.  He said he was gonna watch some football and wanted to catch a nap.  I told him there was another gift in the basement.  He was actually interested and didn’t even look annoyed.

His original birthday gift, the one that I had been planning for weeks – was clear shelves for the cabinets that he wants to put his humongous collection of little john deere tractors in.  The cabinets have been on the wall for at least a year in the basement TV area.  The tractors are the small ones, so we thought glass shelves would work well, you can put them close together, get more in the cabinet, and light it somehow and still see everything.  Right? Right.  It’s been a project.  And it was hard being sneaky to do this without him knowing.   Glass was too expensive to have cut for this.  And the cabinets are odd sizes so that made it more expensive.  Then I thought of using plexiglass.  That isn’t cheap either, but I bought some at Home Depot, asked my father-in-law to help by cutting it the right sizes.  He didn’t think it would be strong enough the way it was so he built little frames to mount the plexiglass to.  Then we stained them to match and ta-da.  The shelves look awesome.

He liked the shelves, we spent some time setting them up in one of the cupboards, he decided that it would look better if the back of the cupboard was painted white, we took the shelves back out and started painting…  It was a nice time actually.  He liked the idea.  He was pleasant.  Of course he didn’t say thank you.  He never does.  I was happy the day turned out better than it started though and we all hung out and watched TV a while.  We sat next to each other and he overlapped our feet the way we do.  I am so embarrassed to type how much that meant to me!  He can be an ass 70% of the time but that 30% that he isn’t is what I live for!  How pathetic is that!

It is now a very rare occurrence that we sleep in the same bed.  Since he works 3rd shift, weekends are our only chance for this and more often than not, he just crashes wherever he is – recliner, couch, living room floor.  I gave up long ago trying to get him to come upstairs.  Having to beg your husband to sleep in the same bed as you gets old real quick.  It’s just not important to him.  And that’s that.

Let me back up and say that Saturday totally sucked for me.  ALL DAY I stressed in my head about our relationship.  How the whole situation all day was so weird – and just wrong.  Mainly disappointing.  I mean really!  I told him Happy birthday that morning.  He said “Yep.”  No eye contact, no smile.  I’ll bet he spoke 4 words to me all day.  Sure it’s his birthday, not mine so whatever right?  Wrong!  This is just so far off of the vision I have for my family.  My happily ever after family does not ignore one another and find it annoying if someone buys them a birthday gift.  They don’t treat you like you are nothing!  It wasn’t about the DAY – it was about the whole freaking situation – and the fact that it has gone on this way so very long!

Surprisingly though, hubby did come upstairs that night.  I assumed it was because he wanted birthday sex.  Sex is rare these days so I didn’t mind.  And after all, he had casually rubbed my foot about an hour earlier so that makes everything peachy keen right?  (Hope you hear the sarcasm dripping from that sentence!)

He watched TV in bed with his back turned toward me.  I read a while.  He eventually turned so his back wasn’t at my face.  We cuddled a little.  It was clear what he wanted.  I considered it – but man something hit me.  What was that?!?  PRIDE!  How dare he expect to get this after being so distant and annoyed with me for what seems like forever.  I was laying there in the dark so angry.  I laid very still.  He didn’t move either.  He made NO EFFORT to reach for me and showed no interest in touching me.  That just confirmed it in my head that I was not going to do what this selfish man wanted me to do!

After a while I sat up.  I just sat there in the dark, naked, in bed with my husband who used to adore me.  My mind was spinning and I wanted to say something.  Something that would make him be who he used to be.  Something that would make him love me again.  I couldn’t find the words.  There are no words.

Finally he asked what I was doing.  I said “just trying to figure it out”.  We talked a little.  I told him how today sucked and how I worried all day about us.  He had no idea of course.  He wasn’t trying to be rude or ignore me – he had a lot on his mind – trying to get the furnaces working.  He said that after all this time – after 18 years – I should “just know” how he feels.  That is not the first time he has said that.  And I said that after 18 years he should also “just know” that that doesn’t work for me.  This is a conversation that is repeated several times a year.  It never changes.

I laid back down after a while and he hugged me.  We talked a bit more and ended up having some really awesome sex.

And then I cried.  Hard.  He said “Really?”  I said yep and I cried some more.

I wish I hadn’t.  There is nothing sexier than a sobbing woman is there? :(

I told him I missed my boyfriend.  He asked what I meant by that.  I said that I missed the way we used to be.

That was the end of the conversation.

I can honestly tell you right now – if we did not have kids at home, I would have left him already.  What is the point of living with him!?!  Right now it is the kids.  And that is a huge deal.  I really don’t see how we could split right now.  I want to tell him to get the hell out!  I know he won’t though and it will cause a huge nasty scene that won’t be healthy for anyone.  Heck he is so proud of the furnace he is installing right now that he’d hate to leave the house just for that reason alone!

I was hoping that Sunday would be better.  When I found him still in a distant kind of mood, I decided to go shopping.  I took Kid2 to the mall for shoes to go with her homecoming dress.  We had a fun day.  I didn’t let hubby get to me.  I just decided not to.  I wish I was that strong every day!

Summer is going WAY too fast

Life has been busy as usual.  Summer is going WAY too fast.

I will probably babble way too much and this will be way too long.  It’s been way too long since I had a chance to type it all out. :)

Of course baseball has kept up moving with Kid3 on the allstars team.  It keeps us busy but is also lots of fun.
Kid3 is actually not playing at the moment.  Back on June 20th he got hit with a ball in the chest – off to the side.  That was healing up but then he hurt himself at home trying to be a He-Man by moving our very heavy firepit himself and I think he pulled a muscle on the same side?  I really don’t know – perhaps it was weak there because it was bruised already?  He had been having a hard time hitting at the games and striking out way more than normal.  He said it hurt to swing the bat.  Well with the tournaments – you have game after game after game.  During one game – the 4th in 3 days – he actually cried.  I didn’t know he was crying or I’d have gone to get him.  Crazy coach made him bat anyway – even though he told him his chest hurt – and he was crying.  Kid3 had already struck out 3 times that game, they were losing and it was the last inning.  He was a nervous wreck anyway.  He said the other team’s catcher was even saying to him “It’s OK batter, It’s OK.”  AWE!  I hope to see that team again soon and thank that little kid (or his mother) for being so kind!!!  ANYWAY…. he hit the ball, it hit the fence, he brought in 3 runs and they won the game – all in a matter of seconds.  So exciting!

I was not as excited when I found out he was hurting.  The next day I took him to the doctor who thought he must have a fractured rib.  He had a chest x-ray.  Nothing is broken or fractured thank heavens but he is not supposed to play until he is healed up, which just takes time and is a miserable thing for these boys to accept.  These boys = Kid3, hubby, crazy coach, teammates…..  seems the only people that agree with me that we should listen to the doctor are the moms!  Surprise, huh?  ha.

We hosted a 4th of July party – the weekend after the 4th with my side of the family.  It was awesome. I had so much fun and hope to do that more often.  My dad spent way too much on fireworks but we enjoyed them all.  We all hung out on our new porch, the kids jumped on the trampoline, we swam in Grammy’s pool, we roasted marshmallows at the firepit, we played frisbee with glow sticks in the dark , they caught lightning bugs, everyone stayed WAY too long and late.  Fun!  It was almost just how I pictured it with our new porch.  If we ever get the hot tub working it will be even better :)
Hubby complained about it beforehand and while setting up for it – but was on his best behavior during the party.  He was wonderful and participated in the conversations, cooked on the grill, and even played frisbee with the kids.  Yay :)

He did get terribly annoyed about the people constantly going in and out of the house since we had the air conditioning running.  (We just have window air conditioners.)  I kept telling him “Let it go please.”  Finally I think he did.  Or at least he quit glaring at me every time someone forgot to close the door.  All in all, it was a good night and he agreed we should do it again next year.

What else?  We have been trying to go on a day trip at least once a week.  Me & the kids.  We go to the lake or somewhere like that – fun and free – and hang out with the cousins all day.  Summer is going way too fast!  I am trying to work and not getting as much done as I like – but the kids still complain that mom always has to work.  Ugh.  That part sucks and yes it does seem like I am always in this office.  Yesterday I stayed home from the ballgames – planning to work ALL day.  Guess what – our internet went out – then it was on & off all afternoon.  I gave up and watched a movie.

Hubby came home after the first game – he had to work last night so he wouldn’t be able to stay for the whole second game anyway – the kids stayed there with Grammy & Pappy.  So we watched an adult movie together.  lol  Not an adult movie like that.  We watched “The Change Up.”  Wow.  Most movies I see are PG or PG-13.  Maybe this was R – it said NR though when I checked.  The F word and boobies and sex and oh my.  lol  Guess I’m so used to family movies these days – I was a bit shocked.   It was a nice break from our to-do list though.

It’s weird how much I used the phrase “way too” in this post.  It wasn’t planned and probably a bit annoying.  Guess what?  I’m way too tired to care.

:)

Lazy Weekend

I had the house to myself for the weekend.  Wonderful.

Usually I get a lot of work done and a lot crossed off my to do list when they go to the camp.

That didn’t happen this weekend.  I didn’t do much.  At all.  I read, I watched TV, I made lasagna…  I didn’t eat much junk food at all though and I’m happy about that.  I opened the cookies and ate most of the mixed nuts I bought – that was really it.

I think my brain just needed a break.  Plus I had cramps that were not fun.  I didn’t feel like doing anything and I felt guilty about that cuz I was watching the clock tick away and felt like I was waiting this precious free time.

Wow I was lazy this weekend!  I watched ’17 again’ with Zac Efron in it last night.  I watched it twice.  I had not seen it before and it really got to me.  It’s about being miserable with how your life turned out and getting a do-over.  I can relate. And he’s pretty nice to look at too :)

I have a tendency to hyper-focus on things and am embarrassed to admit that I watched it again this morning – altho I did fast forward thru it and just watched the better parts.  If they don’t get home soon I may just watch it again!

Also this weekend I was trying to buy a used laptop.  I answered a for sale ad and then emailed back & forth with the lady all weekend – trying to set up a time to meet with her so I could see it.   That’s it’s own story.

……………………………

Everyone is home now.  Kids are in bed.  Hubby left for work.  They had a great time.  Kid3 told me it would have been more fun if I had been there.  AWE!  I promised I’d go next time. They saw deer, elk, a neighbor shot a rattlesnake and cooked it up.  Kid3 said it tasted like chicken.  My girls refused to try it.  Ha.  Don’t blame them!  They went fishing and kid3 said he caught “like 30 fish!”.  Kid2 whispered to me that they were tiny and she thinks it may have been the same one or two repeatedly.  She said “Fish are dumb aren’t they?”  lol  Kid1 was most excited about the clothes she got at a yard sale they stopped at on the way there.  That was her highlight.  Ha!

They made up their Father’s Day gift and gave it to him right before he left for work tonight.  I found the idea on pinterest.  It’s neat.

Source: http://blog.bitsofeverything.com/2011/06/fathers-day-ideas.html

I’ll sleep well tonight,  My babies are home :)

G’night!

Dear Hubby: I AM NOT LIKE YOU

Dear Hubby,

I am not a bitch.  Even though you act like I am.

I am smart.  Is that why you lash out at me?  Are you threatened by me?

I asked you a question this morning about the tool shed you are building.  I asked you several actually.  Call it curiosity.  I thought we were having a real conversation.

Silly me.

I guarantee that you would have had a million questions for me if I was doing something like that.  And a million opinions about how I was doing it wrong.  Is that why you expect the same from me?

News flash:  I    AM    NOT    LIKE    YOU.

I forgot that you are so insecure that any time I ask you anything about something you are doing – you think I am judging you or questioning your decisions.  You think I am putting you down.  And you go into jerk mode.

You know, people have conversations all the time about things that are happening.  If my Dad/brother/friend… even father-in-law was building a shed I might have had a similar conversation with them.   I could have made the exact same comment while talking to pretty much anyone else and they would not have taken offense to it.

(I feel the need to defend myself here to the blog world.  You must think I surely said it in a snarky way or something.  I did not.  I promise.  We were sitting at the table, I was drinking coffee, we were gabbing about the day, the conversation turned to the shed, BAM!)

The question that set you off?  “You’re not giving up on building your garage are you?  Are you doing this instead of a garage?”

I meant no harm.  I wasn’t saying that you shouldn’t build the shed because I want you to build a garage.  I wasn’t yelling at you for not building a garage yet.  I was just inquiring.  I don’t care if you build 10 sheds and still want a garage.  I was hoping you hadn’t given up your plans for the garage, that is all.  In my mind, maybe I thought I would be encouraging you.  I meant to be supportive and positive about both plans.

Nothing I do is right in your mind.  I did nothing wrong.  You acted like an ass.

You said “I wish I had a way to haul some shale in.”  And you started talking about how you were going to build the shed.  I made several comments, all supportive.  I have no opinion about how you build it.  I couldn’t care less.  Truly.  It’s a tool shed.  I know nothing about building a tool shed.

Whatever.

I guess it was just a continuation of you being jerky at dinner last night.

The phone company is running new wires out here so we can have faster DSL.  I watched them yesterday from my office window.  A man was up in the bucket truck with a huge spool of cable.  The truck moved up the road slowly as he unwound it and some other men walked along behind the truck.  I though it was neat.  I even took a picture.

At dinner Kid3 mentioned that he saw the trucks out there early in the morning.  I chimed in and told you all how I saw them in the bucket truck today and blah blah blah.  You looked at me and said “Well duh.  How else do you expect them to run the wire?  They have to lay it out before they can hang it on the poles.”    You said something like that.  I don’t think you called it hanging it on the poles.  Not the point.

I enjoyed seeing them do that.  I was happy to tell what I saw.  You immediately had to demean me with it. I called you on it.  I said “Well you may know everything but I don’t so I thought it was neat to see them do that.”  You said “No, I don’t know everything…”  and were ready to launch into this big thing about how I over-react to everything.  I stopped you and said something to the effect that you just love to try to make me look stupid.  You didn’t have to put me down.  I said “I am done talking to you!”

After everyone ate, I was cleaning up the kitchen, he & the kids were still sitting at the table talking, he got up and said “Well, now that I’ve called everyone stupid, I guess I’ll go watch the news.”  I said “Not everyone, just me.”  Kid1 chimed in “Me too.”  He said “Great” and left the room.  It doesn’t matter.  None of it matters.  It will not sink in.  He will not change how he speaks to me.  He will not think of me any differently.  Well maybe he’ll think I am even more of a nuisance now.

He gets off on trying to make himself feel superior to everyone else.  His older sister is the same.  She goes off on these rants.  Her husband told her to get off her high-horse once during a get-together.  She told him she was just giving her opinion.  He told her that we didn’t all need to be subjected to her opinion about everything little thing.  He hit the nail on the head with that one.  I wanted to jump up and scream hallelujah!

Hubby is the same way.  He has an opinion about everything.  Sometimes he is wrong.  He even has very strong opinions about things he knows nothing about.  That is what really infuriates me.  Sometimes I will mention a work problem and he goes off on this rant and of course he has the solution right?  Problem is that he knows nothing about programming.  I look at him incredulously and wonder how in the heck he can even feel confident making those remarks!  I would not go on a rant telling him the correct way to weld something!  I would never think that I had a solution like that for him.  Yet, he does that to me.  Umm, no – I just went to college for 4 years to learn how to do this.  I even worked at xxxxx and yyyyy for a while…. but you know better dear.  WHAT?!?!?  You’d think I would have gained some respect from him – at least in this area – by now.

How does a person get so egotistical?  How?

Then when I look closely I see that his mother is the same.  She is more subtle about it.  But she has an opinion about EVERYTHING too that she feels the need to share.  I mean seriously some things do not need to be said.  And how about for once admitting to yourself that someone MAY know more about a particular topic than you do?!

And for a moment let’s assume that you DO know more than everyone about everything…  do you really need to be an ass about it?  Couldn’t you be a genius AND be kind?

See there is no excuse for you treating me like that.  None.

I don’t care if you are tired.  I don’t care if your back hurts.  I don’t care whatever else the problem may be.  You do not need to talk to me like that.

I really wish you didn’t think of me the way you do though.  You think I am an evil person working against you.   I’m not.  More than anything I want us to be on the SAME side.  We’re supposed to be a team working together in this world.

Sincerely,
Z

A simple conversation.  An innocent remark.  An angry husband.

Repeat this over and over and this is my life.

Free To Stress Myself Out

I am free this morning.

Kids are off to school.  Hubby is at an auction.    He left work at 4am, came home, changed, picked up his dad at 5:30 am and off they went.  The auction is about 1 1/2 hours away.  Crazy if you ask me – but these are things that John Deere fanatics do :)

So I am home alone.  This is very rare.  I have not done anything differently than normal  – I started laundry, put another coat of poly on the table I am refinishing, cleaned up a little, and sat down here at the computer to get to work.  That’s not really different. (Except that I am blogging, not working :/)  What is different is the way I feel!  I just love that I can do whatever I want and no-one is gonna question me or criticize me.  It’s freeing!  Even though I am only doing laundry etc.  My hubby has something to say about everything!  I am constantly having to explain myself or defend a decision I made.  It is exhausting!

(Occasionally I go on strike and refuse to answer his questions or defend my choices.  I tell him I’m sick of explaining myself to him and then I refuse to.  Ha.  Perhaps it’s time for that again.  See what perspective some alone time can bring :)

Unfortunately this day is stressing me out for other reasons.  I am taking Kid3 to the dentist after school today – he has cavities that need to be taken care of.  I have been putting it off because they are in his baby teeth and I was hoping they would just fall out soon.  It hasn’t happened yet.  One is looking pretty icky and is not loose at all.  He has never had this done before and is very worried that it is going to hurt.  And we all know how I love the dentist.  I’m nervous for him. I’m also nervous that I will have panic attack from having to sit there and watch.  I don’t do good with stuff like that.

To add to that, I expect to get my period today, so my hormones are in overdrive.  Hormones greatly affect my anxiety!  My anxiety levels always skyrocket when I have PMS.

I also have a gazillion upcoming events swirling around in my head that I am already starting to stress about.  Teacher conferences are in 2 weeks I think.  The spring musical is coming up in May.  The kids have started practicing their songs and whining about having to go.  Hubby already told them they had to.  It seems like the school year is going to end quickly.  Everyone is talking about all the happenings, and planning all this stuff. Kid1 has the spring formal to attend.  The band concert is coming up.  The music teacher has mentioned that she may have the 6th graders play with the band too – which means that both Kid1 & Kid2 would be in it.  Kid2 asked me to help chaperone their field trip.  Not sure yet where they are going, but a charter bus in usually involved.  Talk about feeling trapped!  How can I say no??  When your kid wants you around, you take advantage of it!  :)  And the year end awards assemblies that I absolutely LOVE (sarcasm!)?  They are coming up too only this year will be bigger.  Kid2 is “graduating” from elementary school.  They have a 6th grade graduation assembly which is longer and involves a reception type thing in the cafeteria afterward.  (Our school system has elementary school from K-6 and the the high school is grades 7-12)

I know all these things are not happening today and I need to put them out of my mind.  I know that they will not be as bad as I anticipate.  They never are.  I also know that the dentist today will be ok.  It just will.

It’s been a good while since I’ve taken any ativan.  I couldn’t remember when so I looked at my Joes Goals Log and see that it was March 1st when I took Kid1 shopping to get her dress for the formal.  (That’s a whole other post!) Very cool that’s been that long.   I can’t remember the last time I took an ativan…. I like that sentence!  So I’m gonna remind myself that I’ve been doing good, that I know it’s just hormones that are kicking my butt today, I am not insane, and it will all be OK.  And I will definitley be taking an ativan this afternoon.

And that is OK.

He’s so negative!

Hubby is in the shower right now.

He is in there swearing “Son of a bitch!”  “Come on!”  “Jesus Christ!”

Like what on earth would make a person yell and swear when they are in the shower?  Ummm… maybe he ran out of shampoo?  Nope just put new bottles of shampoo & conditioner in there.  He get scalded cuz someone ran some cold water somewhere?  Nope, kids are in bed and I am here.  He doesn’t shave in the shower so he couldn’t have cut himself.

I have no idea.

He’s so negative!  Why the heck does he have to be so negative and angry about everything?!?!

I want to live in a peaceful home. 

Clearing My Head

I want to post but what shall I say?

I have been too busy.  I often think of things I want to blog about it.  By the time I’m able to sit down at the computer though – it’s like my mind is blank.  I feel rushed all day long.  I think that is the main problem.  I’m not even giving my brain down time.  If I do have some time to sit and browse the internet mindlessly, I feel guilty the entire time because I should be doing XYZ.  Whatever that may be.

I really need to clear my head. The problem right now is that it is the end of the month and I have too many work projects with January 31st deadlines.  So it will slow down soon. 2 days left – ack!

Work is busy.  So busy I am staying up too late and not getting enough sleep.

What else? This is week #3 of me getting up earlier in the morning.  My goal is to be up before the kids so I can have some quiet time.  Most mornings this has worked.  I’m pretty proud of this, especially since I have been working late too.  And I need my sleep!  I am not usually a morning person.  Well I used to be.  I haven’t been for a while though.  I’m trying to change that.  If you are interested, here is a little motivation for getting up earlier in the mornings:  Maximize Your Mornings

Morning quiet time has been awesome though.  I am reading through a daily devotional by Joyce Myers.  It works through the Bible app on my ipod touch.  (Link here:  http://www.youversion.com/reading-plans/promises-for-your-everyday-life)

I haven’t read my bible daily in years so I’m feeling good about this.  The devotions are short and take just a few minutes, which is probably why it works for me.

I have also been attempting to do meal planning for the week.  This has been interesting because we are also doing our own version of  the “Pantry Challenge” right now too!  Info on the Pantry Challenge idea can be found here:  http://goodcheapeats.com/2011/12/join-me-for-a-pantry-challenge/

Our freezer was overflowing – as in I had to put paint cans on top of it to keep it closed – and who knows what was way down deep in there.  So we are trying to eat out of there as much as possible and avoid grocery shopping as much as possible. I still shop weekly though I’ve found.  Fruit and veggies, milk, eggs, etc.  But I can close the freezer now without the help of the paint cans so that is a plus.  The main thing in my freezer?  Shredded Zucchini!  I do that every year with the garden surplus.  It’s great for bread, muffins, crab cakes.  Yesterday I found a package marked 2004 though!  Ick.  Anyway, it’s been interesting.

Oh – and a great accomplishment that I set up about 2 weeks ago!  We now have a “command center” in our home.  Sounds hokey I know but that is what the organized internet world calls it :)  It is great!  We always have piles all over the kitchen counter – mail, school papers, magazines, etc.  Drove me nuts.  And I constantly lose things in that pile!  So I rearranged my office some and put a desk, filing box, & bulletin board in one corner.  It is beautiful and organized.  I did take before pics of the counter and of the new space.  If I remember to get those off the camera soon, I will post them.

Basketball is still in full swing for Kid3.  Lots of practices, games, and scrimmages for me to attend and hope that the exposure therapy works in my battle against anxiety & panic attacks.

Hubby?  He’s still good.  Most days :)

Hopefully this post broke the ice, or writer’s block, or whatever my problem was and I will get back to my blogging therapy.

Happy Monday all.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.