Random Updates: Vday, Emotions, Lent, Funerals

Hi.  There is so much to say, I am behind.  I blog in my head, but can’t seem to get here to type it out.

Let’s see.  I did start the inevitable ‘Vday Sucks’ post but never finished it.  It is quite ugly anyway.  Probably better left in the draft section.  Short story: hubby didn’t get me anything for VDay, I tried not to care but failed.  We’ve had this issue for years.  Gifts are one of my love languages so it truly is important to me. He knows that.  I am not a materialistic bitch that demands expensive gifts.  I just want to know I am appreciated. Valued.  I think gifts say that because someone made the effort and wanted to take the time to show you that you are loved.  That is special.  I’ve said it before… write me a note, buy me my favorite gum or candy bar…  whatever!  Or even better yet – actually look at me and say some kind words and say “Happy Valentine’s Day.”  That is all I ask.  Words of affirmation are my primary love language :)

I’ve had a rough time controlling my emotions lately.  Doing better the last few days but it was rough for a while.  It was not the regular PMS time so I don’t know what’s up but I was a freakin mess.  I lost it on hubby.  Not proud.  Just being honest.  I have felt all out of sorts and can’t figure out why.  It felt like PMS that wouldn’t go away.  Ugh.  I am feeling normal now and hopefully this lasts!

LENT:  Usually I don’t give up anything for lent.  I haven’t for many years but we were reading about it cuz the kids were asking questions so I decided to give up coffee.  I know. I am stupid!  I love my coffee!  I knew it was going to be hard.  That’s the point though right?  I’m wondering if that had anything to do with my erratic mood that just wouldn’t quit.  I haven’t had any coffee for 6 days now.  Woo hoo.  Caffeine withdrawal is rough!  I am drinking tea instead so I am still getting caffeine, but not nearly as much.  Kids 2 & 3 gave up minecraft for lent.  THAT has been very hard for my son especially.  It was his own decision though and I am proud of him for sticking with it.  One of the articles we read said that Sundays didn’t count, meaning you could have whatever you gave up on Sundays.  I never heard that before but that is what happened with minecraft and it has helped.  I didn’t have coffee on Sunday, didn’t want to be tempted back to my beloved coffee!  Anyway, the last few days I have felt much calmer.  Not sure if it has to do with my hormone cycle or maybe because I got the caffeine out of my system.  I’ve been meaning to cut back anyway since caffeine is NOT good for people with anxiety / panic attacks.

We had 2 deaths in the family last week and the funerals were this past weekend.  They were both hubby’s relatives that we were not real close with.  Turns out I only went to one viewing.  Hubby attended more than that but I became the family babysitter for moms that didn’t want to take their kids to the funerals.  That was much easier.  I was stressing a lot about going.   I was proud of hubby for going without me.  He is quite anti-social and dreads these things too.

I know there is more I wanted to babble about….  I will add it later I guess as I remember.

Tomorrow I take 2 kiddos to the eye doctor and on Thursday Kid2 gets her braces on.  Anxiety about these appointments?  No… yea right!

G’night all!

A Cedar Chest

I have wanted a cedar chest for a very long time.  Like forever.  My mom always had one at the foot of her bed and I remember the wonderful cedar smell when we would open it to get out the winter blankets.  It brings back good memories.

It has been no secret that I wanted one for a long time.  I price them occasionally and talk about them when I see one in a sale flyer or something.  There is a antique store near us that sometimes has them. Well maybe it’s just a junk store.  Whatever you want to call it.  It has used treasures.  We purchased a dresser there for hubby a few years ago.  It is beautiful – real wood, dove tail construction, deep drawers, with a beautiful finish.  It’s hard to find decent furniture now-a-days unless you pay a fortune for it and that is not in our budget.  So I love this store.  (And I like to refinish furniture so it’s also a fun hobby :)

We also just bought my son a wardrobe there.  We replaced his dresser with a wardrobe.  No hanging rod, just shelves and 2 drawers at the bottom.  My hope is that he can manage it better and keep it neater than he did his dresser.  I thought the shelves would be work better for him.  And of course it has doors that close to hide the shelves anyway.  It’s working pretty well. Now I want to get Kid1 a wardrobe too – her dresser is always a terrible mess!

Way off the point…..

Hubby bought me a cedar chest!!  It was a complete surprise.  We saw it when we got the wardrobe for my son.  Of course I looked at it but didn’t say much.  Kid1 and I went somewhere and while we were gone hubby and the 2 other kids went and picked it up.  They brought it up to the bedroom and just waited for me to see it.

I was so surprised.  Seriously, like I was confused.   I cried. Yep, I actually cried over a cedar chest :)  Really I cried because my hubby has not done something like that in a REALLY long time.  REALLY long.  It is beautiful.  But the fact that he cared enough and made an effort like that is even more beautiful.

One of my prized possessions is my bath robe.  It is white with pink & red roses on it.  Shortly after hubby & I got married he bought it for me.  It was a surprise too.   We were sitting on the couch, watching TV and I was looking through the mail.  I saw the robe in a catalog and commented about how nice it was.  That was it.  We were living in a trailer at that time and being as frugal as could be, trying to save money to build our house.  It came in the mail shortly after that.  I still have it and use it and love it.

My main love language is Words of Affection.  My second love language is Receiving Gifts.  So this was very awesome to me.

Hubby doesn’t do stuff like that.  He just doesn’t.  (Well, maybe once every 15 years ;)

That’s why it is so special.

A Practice Gift

Hubby is horrible at receiving gifts. Just horrible.

Half the time he doesn’t open them until way later.  Or he says “You shouldn’t have gotten me anything.”  And he means it.  He opens it and frowns because – well who knows.  Maybe because I didn’t listen and I got him something anyway.  He has a terrible time saying THANK YOU to the person.  Instead he says ” I told you not to get me anything” while he frowns at you.

To me, that’s like a slap in the face.    Like he just threw my kind gesture back in my face.

Why does he do this?  No idea.  He says he has enough.  He says he already buys enough stuff for himself (meaning all the tractor paraphernalia that he buys and apparently feels guilty about).  His mom is the same way.  She always says “Don’t get me anything.”  And she means it too.

We buy him gifts anyway.  Why?  I dunno.  I have often said that I should just listen to him and not get him anything.  But how can you do that at Christmas?  Or his birthday?  And our kids love to give him gifts too.

One of my love languages is Gifts. People always tell me I am great at giving gifts.  I take pride in that.  I don’t give people things I think they NEED, I give them things I think they will love.  I pay attention when they talk and am always on the lookout for a gift idea.  When I give a gift it is meant as a token of appreciation, or to say “I love you” or “I appreciate you.”  It’s not about the stuff so much. So I keep trying with hubby.  I decided a while ago that I was gonna give him “practice gifts”.  So he could get good at opening a gift with a smile and saying thank you.

Why is this so important?  Why don’t I just leave him alone and quit buying him gifts already?   Well because!  Ha.

Kid2 is a huge gift-giver.  She’s like me in that she takes great pride in her selections and puts a lot of thought into the gifts she gives.  She loves to give gifts “for no reason”.  And she has been hurt more than once by her dad’s reaction.  And I have been hurt by his reactions.  And there are many events in this life that will involve gifts.  That’s not going to change.  And he needs to get over it.  He needs to realize that he is being hurtful and rude when he reacts the way he does.  That’s why.

——————————————————————————————————————

So today I gave him a gift.  Nothing big.  A box of his favorite creamer.  You know the little flavored cups.  I figured he can take it to work and use them there.  I wrapped it up in the comics.  He was watching tv and I told him I brought him a gift and handed it to him.

He said “Why?’  I said “Remember I told you I wanted to practice this?”  He gave me his crooked smile.  I said “I want to tell you this and I will make it as short as I can cuz I know you don’t want to talk about it…”  And I don’t remember my exact words, but I told him how it feels like he is rejecting me personally when he is rude about receiving gifts and how good it feels when he acknowledges it and lets me know he appreciates the thought and my effort.  He said “So thank you and a smile?”  I said “That would be awesome.”

He opened the gift and said just that.  And then he told I shouldn’t have bought those cuz he already had creamer in the fridge.  I said you can take them to work and use them.  He said “Nah, I was actually thinking I should quit using it, I think that’s why I’m gaining weight.”   OK.  Well I tried.  And I will try again.  He said thank you and he smiled.  And even when he was telling me that I should not have bought it, he didn’t frown at me once.  It’s a start :)

Advice from my Mother-in-Law

One time early in our marriage, when hubby and I had a fight, my m-i-l told me that I just needed to cook him some meat.  Seriously.  She said I needed to have some meat cooking on the stove when he got home from work and that would fix it all.

I thought she was nuts.

Well, it wasn’t as simple as that but I will admit now that she knew what she was talking about.  My hubby is a “dinner time” kind of guy.  I think we need a new love language called “Homemade Meals” for hubby.  It’s what he needs.  It makes him feel loved.

My m-i-l told me once that she would rather be cooking than doing anything else.  Ugh – not me.   Despite that, I usually do well with this and have for most of our marriage.   M-i-l loves to cook and she always cooks too much & brings us left-overs.  Thank you Lord for a cooking m-i-l!

Five Love Languages – Words of Affirmation Please

Words of affirmation are my love language. (Five Love Languages book)

This has been one of our biggest problems.  He uses his words so harshly, it cuts like a knife.  We read this book last May.  There is a suggestion in the book to give one compliment a day to a person whose love language is words of affirmation.  He did that for a few weeks.  It has long been forgotten now.  But it was wonderful.  Even though I knew he felt silly, and like it was corny, I still loved it!

Add a hint of Receiving Gifts and that’s me.  Not receiving gifts because I am materialistic.  I’m not.  It is truly the thought that counts.  But it is important because then I know he was thinking of me and made an effort and wanted to do something nice for me.  To me that feels the same as words of affirmation.

He thinks I should “just know” how he feels.  I don’t.  I need reassurance.  That is hard for him.  And annoying.

His love languages are Quality Time & Physical Touch.

Time is a hard one.  Life is so busy!  I know that is no excuse.  But geesh.  I feel so behind in just about everything! Physical touch is something I know is important to him.  That has always been clear.  :)

There is a self-assessment quiz at the Five Love Languages website so you can find out what your love language is.  Or you can use the widget in my previous post.

Five Love Languages Descriptions from http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/

  • Words of Affirmation

    Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

  • Quality Time

    In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

  • Receiving Gifts

    Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

  • Acts of Service

    Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

  • Physical Touch

    This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Take The 5 Love Languages profile with this widget

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.