Hope

I’ve been thinking about this for a while.

Sofia asked me in her comments on my post “Anger, Heartache, Relief and Confusion” if the “great guy” I fell in love with ever really was a great guy or if he was always just a monster in disguise.  My gut reaction was that he absolutely WAS a great guy.  It was real!   But this blog is all about me being real with myself and that question haunted me.  What if it never was real?  What if I am just in love with the IDEA of him and not really in love with him – because HE doesn’t really exist the way I think he does?  Am I just in denial?

My conclusion:  He wasn’t always like this.  That great guy did exist.

I don’t know if he still does but that is what I am counting on.

I don’t  think that he is passive aggressive like many of the horrible hubbys I read about on the blogs of my dear cyber friends.  Some of the things he does seem to fit the description, many others do not.

I think mainly he is just an angry jerk.

He wasn’t always a jerk.  He has had his moments but the jerk moments were not his main personality like now.

He has never been “easy-going”.  And we often had problems communicating, misunderstanding each other.  That’s true.  But we always liked each other even when we disagreed.

For a while there I thought he was depressed. I still wonder that.  It seems he is just chronically angry.  He has put his defenses up and appointed me the enemy.  I’m not sure exactly when or why that happened.  A few things pop into my mind though…

In April 2008 he convinced himself that I was cheating on him.  I wasn’t and his accusation were ridiculous if you ask me.  They were completely unfounded.  I think that now he believes that nothing ever happened but that situation did some damage. (I think I blogged about this before and its a long stupid story that I don’t feel like typing out.  I NEVER cheated on him tho.)

It was a horrible time.  He said that he had trusted me completely and that trust was now shattered.  He even said something about how he had put me up on a pedestal, how he looked up to me before and now he had lost all respect for me.  He didn’t think that I was the kind of person that could ever do this. I’ll never forget it.  He had never spoken to me like that before.  He said he lost all respect for me – and I could see it in his eyes – it was true.  He was angry but weirdly calm.  I explained what I could and denied any wrong doing (which apparently just made me sound guilty).  He didn’t believe me.  That made me mad.  He didn’t trust me for a long time after that.  And I was mad for a long time because I had done nothing wrong.

About 2 months after this is when I had my first panic attack.  Hmm.  I never put those 2 events together before….

Sometime in 2010 he started working 3rd shift which meant we no longer shared a bed.  Like ever.  No more gab sessions at bedtime.  No more foot rubbing.  No more cuddling.  Hardly ever any sex.  Bedtime was always our main time to talk & connect with each other.  Gone.  (I miss it so badly!  I have been so freakin lonely since he started 3rd shift!)

Nov 2010 –  I started this blog.  Our marriage was at its all time low.

There have been many ups and downs since then.

Many days I read over my posts and ask myself what the hell I am still doing here.

But here is a fact.

Things really HAVE improved since I started  this blog.  When I read back to some of my first posts – my God he was terrible.  He still isn’t awesome – and some days he’s still pretty terrible – but not like then.

And maybe it seems better now because I am a stronger person than I was then.

Here’s the thing.

He really wasn’t always like this.  Anger has taken over his life and now he’s a jerk.  But I believe with all my heart that he is still in there.  My prayer is that he can hurry up and get out of this nasty fog before I give up on him.  On us.  I do believe that he is the one and only that God intended for me.  I still feel that deep in my soul.  He is my home.  And I am his.

I hate that I feel embarrassed to type these things and put them out here in public after typing out all the crappy stuff that happens.  Of course I look like a blind idiot.  I know that.  And I will continue to post about my hurts and I’m sure just reinforce to you all that he is not who I think he is.  That kinda sucks but it is what it is.

Truth:  He may not be that guy anymore.  He may not ever be again.  I know that.

I guess I’m just not willing to give up hope yet.

I pray every day that this will be worth it in the end.

Anger, Heartache, Relief and Confusion

I almost ended my marriage Sunday evening.

I friggin hate this.

Saturday he ignored me most of the day.   He didn’t talk to me until we had been elbow deep in tomatoes for about 2 hours.  Seriously.  Imagine canning tomatoes in silence. I’m not sure exactly why but I’m guessing it’s because I didn’t do what he wanted on Friday.  We were supposed to can tomatoes Friday evening.  He was out playing with his tractors most of the night though and didn’t come in until 9pm.  He wanted to start them then.  I said I wasn’t staying up all night canning so I wasn’t going to do that.  I told him if he wanted to juice them, go ahead but I wouldn’t be canning them until Saturday morning. He seemed alright about it at the time but who knows.  Whatever.

Then Sunday he barely spoke to me all day again.  It just pissed me off.  And you all know I’ve already been mad and ready to tell him off so I did.  I went to the basement and told him about how things like that tractor show breakfast and the birthday picnic ticked me off cuz he was so obnoxious.  And then the fact that he decided to ignore me all weekend didn’t help matters.  AND he hasn’t even slept in the same bed as me for a few weeks!  I’m tired of being ignored.  I’m tired of putting up with his rudeness.  He just acts mean and hateful towards people and I hate that.  I wanted to give him an ultimatum but was having trouble putting it into words.

I did tell him (again!) that I am not happy.  That I need more from him.  That I don’t like being around him when he switches over to jerk mode and that there is no way I’m sticking around if that’s the way it’s gonna be.  Yea, that was the wimpy way to tell him….

And guess what?  He seemed OK with us splitting and he said that maybe that is the only way for us to be happy.   So we wouldn’t have to keep having these same arguments.  He has no intention of changing because he doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong.  And if I am that miserable, which he doesn’t understand, then maybe I should just do what I need to do to take care of me. He wasn’t being sassy or mean.  It was a pretty raw conversation.

And that scared the hell out of me.

When he left for work that night – it was up in the air.  He didn’t know if he wanted to keep trying or if it was time for us to move on.  I told him I felt the same.  My heart was screaming no, but my head was wondering if that is truly the best solution in the long run – even though it will hurt like crazy for a while.

Needless to say I didn’t sleep at all that night.

I read back over the things I have typed here, trying to put it all into perspective.  It looks bad all typed out.  I know that.  It’s hard to deny the facts when its out there like that.  And that is one of the reason I do this.

But see here is the thing.  I really don’t want to leave my marriage.  I just want him to knock his shit off!  (I can just hear you guys laughing hysterically at me for saying that… don’t worry, I’m laughing at myself too.)

We had it good.  For a pretty long time actually.  And this jerk that I’ve seen more and more of the past few years – I don’t accept that this is who he is now.  Yes.  it’s called denial.  But I know there is more to him.  I’ve seen it.  I’ve felt it.  I was the recipient of his unselfish love for a lot of years.

I hate that he is angry at the world now.  It is ugly.  I really really hate it.  If I met him now for the first time, I wouldn’t like him at all.  That is the truth.  That isn’t the case though.  I’ve known this man since I was 16 and he was 17.  I know there is so much more to him.  And I still see it some days.  He is still in there.  I don’t want to walk away and not be here when he comes back.

A thought popped into my head and it really irked me… what if we split – then he gets a big slap in the face cuz life has a way of doing that to you – and he decides being angry isn’t working and comes out of his darkness.  Then he meets another woman.  Guess what?  She gets the good parts of him.  NO!  That is not cool.  I had the good parts and I want them back.  If I knew he was gonna stay an angry man for the rest of his life, I think I could walk away.  But I don’t know that.

I have gone through postpartum depression.  I have been HORRIBLE to live with.  When I finally went to the doctor I told him I was lucky to still have a husband and I needed help before I drove him away.  I am still embarrassed when I think back and remember what a raving lunatic I was.  I went through that after both my 2nd and 3rd babies.  There  were a lot of ups and downs those years and he stood by me.

I don’t know.  Maybe I need to stand by my man.  No, that doesn’t mean I accept his behavior.  It doesn’t mean I become a doormat and just quietly wait it out.

Maybe it means that I stand strong and weather the storm with him.

I don’t know if I even agree with or believe the words I am typing right now.

Oh and we talked a little bit Monday morning before he went to sleep.  He said “We have to make this work don’t we?  Especially for our kids.”

I was so relieved to hear that – you have no idea.

I know that I don’t want to walk away if there is a chance that I will get the love of my life back.   I also know that I need to put a stop to the crap that is destroying my soul.

But for now, as always happens, I have to let this go and get back to life.  Kids will be home from school soon.  I need to get supper started.   Kid2 has a basketball game, Kid1 has a volleyball game that my mom is supposed to come to again.  It is also open house night at the grade school so I get to go meet Kid3’s teacher and see his classroom.

And life goes on despite all the crap that swirls around in my head.

Salt & Pepper Fury

I cooked supper in the crockpot yesterday and later asked hubby if he liked it since it was something I had never cooked before.  He said it was great.  I said “You must have put salt & pepper on it huh?  Because …”  And that’s as far as I got.  He immediately got mad and yelled at me that he only put salt & pepper on his own, not the whole crockpot full. And he went on and on and was so mad at me!  OK……

Once again, we had a big issue where I had to explain that I am not the devil and was not accusing him of anything.  Right away he assumed that I was giving him heck cuz I thought he ruined a crockpot full of food maybe?  He’s on the defensive.  Lately, he interprets anything I say as me attacking him.

I wasn’t attacking him.  I was just talking about the food.  I didn’t like it and thought it didn’t really have any flavor.  I put salt on it and then it was OK.  He puts tons of salt & pepper on everything so when I asked him if he liked supper and he said he did, I thought that must be why.  That is all!  I don’t think my tone was accusing or angry or loud.  I know it wasn’t!  He is just all defensive again and I don’t know why.  And it sucks.

I know he’s stressed. Our schedule sucks right now.  Kid2 has basketball practice from 8:30-10am.  Then both girls have band camp from 10-2:45am.  Then Kid1 has volleyball practice from 4:30-7.  This started Monday and continues all next week too.  Then school starts and basketball, volleyball and football games (band!) are in full swing.  Yesterday we threw in an eye dr appointment and an orthodontist appointment too.  Oh, and Kid2 went to her running group last night too at 7pm.  It seems all I do is run back and forth to town – about 10 minutes each way now cuz there is construction.  In between that I am working cuz, you know, I have a job.  My family seems to forget that and it is definitely not high priority to them.  Grrr.

Of course there are projects that we wanted to complete this summer that didn’t get done.  So there are half finished things everywhere you look, the house needs cleaned.  There are laundry piles in the living room.  We are back-to-school shopping ( in a very limited way!)  The farm show in our town is this week and the kids are all in it with their different groups.

Today we add team photos to the regular schedule so that is more running around.

The other day he woke up around 4.  2 of the kids and I were sitting in the living room with the TV on, eating sandwiches.  Kid1 had to be at vball in half an hour and that was supper.  Well he came down and saw me sitting there and I swear he thinks I do that all day while he is sleeping!  I had been sitting there maybe 10 minutes!  And then we were off running again.   Geesh.

Give me a break.  And give me some credit!

And get your head out of your butt and realize that I am not out to get you!  I have proven that time and time again.  What more will it take??

This story is so stupid.

Hubby was an ass tonight.  He has not been sleeping enough.  I know it, he knows it, kids know it.  We try to avoid him cuz he’s been a grump.

He knew I was nervous about my meeting today.  I told him a little about it last night.  Today when he got home (from going to the ag fair with his parents and kid3 instead of sleeping!) he was telling me about all the exhibits.  When he stopped, I told him I got the job!  He said “yeah”.  Not yay, just yeah. And then he turned to kid3 and started talking about something else.  I stood there for a few minutes.  Perhaps he wasn’t done talking, perhaps he had just thought of what he wanted to say to kid3.  So I waited and thought me might come back to my news.  He never did.  Their conversation was over pretty quickly and he started reading the paper.

I talked to kid3 a bit and returned to my office.  10-15 minutes later he popped his head in and asked why I went away.  I said because you totally dismissed my news.  He said “I said yeah.”  I just looked at him.  How can I argue with that?  lol   If he didn’t see the problem with that, there is no sense in me telling him now is there?

My kids here happy for me and asked me all about it later.  That helped :)

And he is back to holding grudges over stupid things.

Several days ago I removed his towel from his rack in the bathroom because it smelled musty.  The kids had been hanging their swimsuits in the upstairs bathroom and just piling towels on top of towels.  Of course they didn’t dry and they got all musty and stinky.  I washed a bunch of them with vinegar and the problem was solved.  Well it either didn’t work for that towel or I missed it.  Anyway, it stunk and I took the towel away and hung it in the spare room next to the bathroom on a clothes rack.  It was late at night, I was headed to bed and I planned to take care of it in the morning.

The next morning he came out of the bathroom yelling about where is his towel.  I told him.  He yelled why.  I told him.  Then he yelled that I should take it to the basement not put it in another room. (where the washing machine is)  What is the big deal?  Just get another freakin towel!!

Anyway, he has not been hanging his towel in the bathroom.  His rack has been empty.  I figured he was hanging it on the basement rack or something.  Tonight I was folding laundry in the living room and he was getting ready to take his shower before work.  He boomed “Where is my towel?”  I said I didn’t know.  He said it was in the dryer with some of the kids swimming towels.  I said that I had folded the things that were in the dryer so it is in the bathroom closet.  Then Kid1 said that her towel was on his rack and that she would move it.  He yelled that he doesn’t use his rack anymore.  Kid1 asked him why and he just glared and stormed away.

This story is so stupid.

It is stupid for me to waste my time typing all that out.

So I guess the reason that he no longer uses his towel rack is because I moved his towel when it needed washed?

I have washed the towels many many times so that’s just weird.  He has been using that same towel rack for 15 years.  Now he is boycotting it because…?  Because why exactly?  I will ask him that sometime after he’s had a good 8 hours of sleep.

After he left for work though I got really mad about all this nonsense and sat down here to type it out.  Here’s the thing – If he thinks he’s going back to his jerky ways and and going to get away with it, he is WRONG!  I will not live with him that way again.  I will not be subjected to his stupid fits of rage that make absolutely no sense.  If he doesn’t see the problem with his little grudge-holding fits, that’s a problem too.

I’m gonna call him on it and he is going to deal with it.

If he refuses to see that there is a problem, then we have a much bigger problem than I want to think about right now.

No way.  Not going back there.

Yes he is tired.  I let that be his excuse for way too long too.  Nope, not gonna work this time.

I Hated Him for about an Hour

I haven’t felt a lot of anger towards my husband for a while.  Things are getting better with us.  I am amazed and grateful.

Yesterday he made a decision that was completely insensitive and he would not hear a word I had to say about it.  He made the decision cuz he was mad, he put up his wall and wouldn’t hear another word about it.  Oh my it made me mad!

He wouldn’t hear my opinion about it.  He wouldn’t explain his reason for the decision.  He just kept saying “It’s done.”  What that meant was that I had no say and he didn’t care AT ALL what I thought.

I yelled.  I really yelled.  I’m not proud of that.  And of course he turned it all around and it was no longer about him being a jerk, it was about me being a lunatic.  Sigh.  Yes, I acted like a lunatic with my yelling.  But he acted like an insensitive jerk first!  Can you hear the whining in my voice?! lol  We both handled it wrong and in case you needed me to confirm it for you, two wrongs still don’t make a right. :/

It turned out alright but what surprised me was how much anger I felt towards him.  All those thoughts about kicking him out of the house, and how I should have left him long ago, and…. that all came flying back at me hard and hit me in the face.

It’s like we have come SO FAR, that when things like this happen, it scares the crap out of me, my reaction is to fight like heck, fearing that we are headed back to where we were at our worst.  We have come too far to let that happen.  I WILL NOT GO BACK THERE.  NO WAY.

I think that was why it hit me so hard.  I think that is why I got SO mad at him.  I never wanted to see that jerk side of him again.  Ever.  But it’s still in there I guess.  Just like my lunatic melt down side of me still exists.  In my defense, I believe my inner lunatic was born to defend myself against the jerk.  Yep, I’m blaming him.  Ha.  But I think it’s true.  I used to be a pretty rational person.  He has infuriated me so much over the past few years though that I turned to my inner lunatic to fight back.

Well this post didn’t go where I had planned.  I planned to say that the negative, hateful feelings I had towards my hubby yesterday really surprised me.  I had not felt that in quite a while and the meltdown yesterday reminded me how far we’ve come.

Anger

“Anger is almost always an emotion for people who wish to control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves.”

Crying Cleanses The Heart

.

“It’s better to cry than to be angry;

because anger hurts others,

while tears flow silently through the soul

and cleanse the heart.”

-Pope John Paul II

I ♥ my Screen Door.

Yesterday morning when I got up it was 75 degrees in the house.

(At one point yesterday it was 77!)

So then I did this.

And when hubby got home he did this.

Insanity.

I’m Hot, Hubby is Mad, and Marriage Counselors are Expensive.

This morning hubby was excitedly telling me about the furnace hook up.  He is thrilled how well it is working, he is proud.

We have heat in the basement now and we never did before.  I asked if that was tied in with the upstairs thermostat or if it had it’s own.

That started it.

He answered the question and then gave me this mean look and said “And you’re not gonna be queen of the thermostat anymore!  Where I grew up no one touched the thermostat and it worked fine.  We set it and then leave it alone!”

It wasn’t just what he said.  It was they way he turned on me and said it.  Like I was the enemy that he hated.

I said “Ouch.”  I thought that was a pretty good response because what I wanted to say was that he was a total ass.  He just turned this whole day into yuk.

I carefully said (And don’t you hate it that you have to be so careful how you phrase things – just in case it will piss him off?!?!  It always does anyway so I’m not sure why I bother!)  I carefully said  “So you are telling me that if I am hot – like really hot – I just have to deal with it?”  He said “Yes.  Or go back in your office, close the door and open your window!”  I said “So basically I am gonna be sweating like a pig in my own house and that it supposed to be ok with me?  I can’t be comfortable in my own house?!”

And that was the end of the conversation because he did what he does.  He stomped out – the conversation was over because I didn’t agree with everything he said.  Because I dared have my own opinion.  Because it wasn’t his way.

I am always hotter than him.  That is a fact.  We all know that.  I turn the heat down when I’m hot.  His problem is not that he is cold when I do that.  He is usually not even home, or he is sound asleep under a heating blanket.  He’s not cold.  And my kids are not cold.  And I wear short sleeves and tank tops even in the winter.   That works because they can be in normal winter time clothes, I can be in my tank top and everyone is happy.  Everyone is comfortable.  And sometimes I’m freezing too.  I’m very sorry but I can’t control that.  And if I’m the only one home – of course I’m gonna adjust the thermostat!  What sense would it make for me to sit there and sweat to death?!?!?

Why am I babbling about this here?  Because I can’t babble about it to him!  He won’t hear me.  He just gets mad when I try to talk to him about anything!

After that blow up this morning I googled marriage counselors in our area.  I decided I was gonna make an appointment and tell him I was going whether he came or not.  Well how do you find a decent counselor on the internet?  I have no idea.  Only 1 site actually listed their rates.  $75/hour.  Gulp.  We don’t have that kind of money.  To start going regularly, that would turn into a huge monthly bill!  And yes I know there are supposedly some churches that would counsel us for free.  We don’t go to church.  And I wouldn’t want people in our small little town knowing our business anyway.  I don’t know.  I feel very discouraged.

I went to talk to him a little while ago – not sure what I was going to say but not wanting to let it go… And he was in the middle of something – looking very intense.  I know trying to talk to him at a time like that would not work.  So I came back here.

I don’t know what the answer is.  I don’t know how to help him.  I’ve been waiting and waiting for him to come around.  Waiting for him to find his joy again.  It’s not there.

His older sister stopped my yesterday to say happy birthday and give him some chocolate covered pretzels.   He was in the basement working on the furnace – kid3 went to tell him she was here.  His sister asked my girls if he was grumpy on his birthday.  See – it’s not just me!  People naturally assume he is gonna be a jerk and a great big grump!  Kid3 came back up and said Daddy wasn’t gonna come up cuz he was soldering some wire right now.  She hung out and talked a while.  He came up later and TOLD HER THANK YOU.  She gave him a hug and went on her way.  SHE got a thank you.  Hmph.

You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to.

Proverbs 15:1 NIV
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.


Found here today: https://www.facebook.com/TheSolutionForMarriages

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.