Late Night Gab Session ❤

Kid2 – who is 14 – just sat here on my bed tonight and babbled at me for about an hour.  It doesn’t happen often but I love it when it does!  It’s hard to get the teenage people to open up sometimes so it’s awesome when they do :)

She is going to the spring formal with this guy she has had a crush on for a long time.  He is a jerk plain and simple.  He has liked her on and off and then just dumps her without giving her any reason whatsoever.  She has cried many nights because of him.

They are “just friends” now and have been for a while, even though she still liked him.  They were just friends when they decided to go to the formal together also.  I wasn’t thrilled but want her to be able to figure this out on her own.  I’m well aware that forbidding something makes teenagers want it even more.  ha.

Well now she has decided that she really doesn’t like him at all and doesn’t even want to go with him to the formal.  It’s in 2 weeks.  A lot can happen in 2 weeks so we’ll see how this works out.  She is all worked up about it though and doesn’t know what to do.  My advice was to give him an out and see if he takes it.  AND if he is rude to her – she has every right to tell him she will no longer be his date – never mind that that his mom already bought a shirt and tie for him to match Kid2’s dress.

Sucks to be him!

 

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My Teenagers

There are things I want to tell my kids / help them with/ guide them in the right direction…

I need a way other than straight out telling them because I sound like a nag cuz I’ve said it before and they tune me out.

I wish I could find an inspirational website or book for them.  I am a total book lover and I’m sure some exist that could help but how to even find such a book.

My 13 year old is chasing a boy that is a jerk.  And he doesn’t like her which is painfully obvious.  If he ever replies to one of her texts she thinks that all is well and that he likes her.  And of course he tells her he does but then doesn’t reply to any of her texts for days on end. He lives on a farm and says he is too busy to text.   But other friends have told her he texts them.  And he shows her texts to others and laughs that she is chasing him.  I seriously do not like this kid.

She has liked him for a long time.  After Christmas she asked him what he got for Christmas.  He said “a hand job”.  Yep.  Isn’t he awesome?  Some of this I know from spot checking her phone – which she knows I do but sometimes she forgets to delete everything. ha.  Some of it she tells me.  Some of it another mom tells me cuz her daughter tells her everything.  Thanks to this kid, I have had to explain to my daughter what a hand job was.  Yep.  I did because she didn’t know and I certainly didn’t want her to google it!  Agh!

She says she knows he’s  mean, but he’s nice to her.  I told her I thought she deserved a guy that is nice to everyone, not just her.  (Cuz we all know that will wear off and he’ll be mean to her too! )  She said he’s everything she wants, except that he’s rude.  How can he be everything she wants and BE RUDE?   (Don’t get me started on how this is all my fault since I put up with her dad for too long and he was mean and rude and isnt that a great male role model for her!?)

And her new best friend is a total drama queen and so controlling.  Kid2 stands up to her which I’m glad about – but that means there is constant drama with these two.  I want her to go back to her old BFF she’s had since kindergarten.  Wow 7th grade was a hard year for these girls.  It shook up all of their relationships.  :(

So I need a book for her to read.  Some great teenage romance where the girl likes a jerk and ignores the nice guy, but then figures out she got it backwards.  Anyone know of a book with that story that is suitable for a 13 year old?  Is there a place that you can search for books by the plot?  That would be awesome.

And my 15 year old is a social outcast.  Sad.  She hasn’t done ONE thing with friends ALL summer!  She doesn’t even try.  It makes me sad for her.  She acts like it doesn’t bother her.  But then she has occasional meltdowns where it all comes out.  Times like this are when I wish we weren’t from such a small town.

The girls she used to hang out with in grade school are now the popular crowd.  Apparently she didn’t make the cut once high school began.  The other group is a group that I don’t want her to hang out with and she doesn’t want to either.  They are smoking and swearing and hanging out in town way too late at night.  She is in the middle.  She is friends with everyone she says.  And when school is in that works ok because she talks to everyone at school.  But she isn’t included in parties and anything outside of school.  She really is fun and sweet.  She is immature for her age.  I know that.  And she doesn’t do well at socializing.  What I mean is – she kind of just watches and listens and follows along when she is in a group of friends.  She doesn’t really contribute to the conversations or show her personality at all.  I think it’s easy to forget she is even there.  That is what I see happening.

I’ve talked to her a lot about talking too and contributing to the conversation.  We’ve talked about things she could say when she doesn’t know what to say…  I don’t know how to help her and it hurts my heart.

Is there a book that helps her figure this out?  A website?  I can tell her to text people and just ask how their summer is going – but she doesn’t do it.  I tell her to invite someone over to swim, she says she can’t think of anyone to invite…  sigh.

“He Never Cared…Before”

“He never cared about that before.”

“Well he does now.”

“For now.”

This was a conversation between kid2 and I.  Hubby still hasn’t given her electronics back.  It’s been since Saturday morning.  It is now Thursday morning.  He is a tough cookie.  I wanted to give them back to her Tuesday night.  She got her feelings hurt pretty badly by some of her “friends” and I knew she really wanted to talk to her BFF.  They have actually been calling each other.  Using the phone to talk to each other?!?  Imagine that! lol  But it was too late to call that night and she was crying and ugh.  Hubby still said no.

I think he is right.  He is tougher than I have been with this stuff.  But notice that they will listen to him and they treat me like crap so I guess I’ve been doing it wrong :(  I need to get tougher.  I asked him to at least give them back to her for a short while that night.  Nope.  He wouldn’t budge.

The next day Kid2 and I were talking about it and she said she didn’t know why he was upset anyway. She said she didn’t do anything to HIM.  I said no, you did something to me.  And she pointed out that he never cared about that before.

And she is right.  I’ve said many times that its no wonder my kids talk back to me like they do – they see their dad treat me like crap.

“He never cared about that before.”

That sentence very easily translates to

“He never cared about you before.”

Yea.

Ouch.

Her last comment got me.  “For now.”  And she wasn’t being sassy, we were just talking.  I don’t blame her for thinking that it won’t last.

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Dear God,  Please make this last.  Amen.

I am Grateful for my Husband

I am Grateful for my Husband.

And I am so happy to be able to type that sentence and mean it with all my heart.

A few examples of his recent awesomeness:

– Kid2 has been really challenging lately.  She needs to constantly be doing something with one of her friends or her whole world falls apart.  If she had her way, she would never be home.  Or at least not be here without a friend here too.  We live in the country, so her friends who live close to each other in town get together more often, she feels left out, the drama follows.  Hubby calls it her “needy friends phase”.  Dear God I hope it’s a phase that ends quickly.  It’s exhausting.  SO, instead of answering her, I started telling her to ask her dad.  I knew he wouldn’t say yes nearly as often as I was and I figured it was his turn to deal with it.  I needed a break from it!   LOL   That was probably the best thing for the situation.  He does say no a lot.  He says yes sometimes.  He gets to see how it has been for me dealing with this by myself for so long.   He used to say “Ask your mom.”  Now he is on the other end of that and it has been a wake up call for him.

It gave him a whole new perspective – Which I think led him to deal with Kid1 in a way he has never stepped up and done before….

– Kid1 is getting quite bold lately in telling me no.  She just gets mean and defiant and says NO.  And to her that is the end of it.  I have been trying to deal with this consistently and in different ways but she has been winning unfortunately.  And she knows it.  She told me NO yesterday.  Hubby came home shortly afterwards and asked why she wasn’t doing what I asked her to do.  I told him why.  HE MADE HER DO IT. She threw her fit, she cried and moaned.  She yelled that her life was horrible, she yelled all sorts of things but he didn’t back down.  She knew she wasn’t going to win and she finally gave in and went to get ready.  (What we wanted her to do btw is to help hubby’s sister prep food for the concession stand.  Sis-in-law needed help, Kid1 gets paid to do this, she’s helped before so she knows what she is doing, and it would take about 2 hours and she needs to get off the couch! so we wanted her to go.)

I was so proud of hubby.  He was demanding without being angry.  He (mostly) kept his cool which is pretty darn hard when your teenager is hurling insults at you.

– Kid2 was very sassy and rude to me when I picked her up from track Saturday morning.  Just horrible.  We got home and she came in the house with an attitude.  Hubby asked what was going on, I told him, he took her electronics and she still didn’t get them back.

– There are more examples that I’d love to tell you all about but it is already later than I want it to be!   You’ll have to stop over for a cup of coffee and we can gab :)

He has my back now.  I don’t feel like it’s all on me.  We are sharing this responsibility.  It is so awesome.

(And he has been taking the $$ issues seriously finally too and even talked to the kids about how we’ve been spending too much and blah blah blah when the kids had a fit when I packed sandwiches for the ballgames instead of buying supper at the concession stand.  Before Hubby always wanted to just buy it there and would do that even if I had packed food.  Of course it’s yummy, but it’s not cheap!)

I feel so…. cared for.

That’s all I ever wanted.

Dear God,  Please make this last.  Amen.

.

.

Oh... and I got to have sex last night.  HA HA That could be 
another reason I'm feeling so grateful for this man. ;)

The Plan for the Teenager Is Working!

This is a follow-up to The Plan for the Teenager.

Just found out that Kid1 is getting a 94 in Algebra 2!  Woo hoo!  She has not gotten higher than a C in math since she started Junior High.  AND she has an 87 in science!  Woo hoo!  Last marking period she got a D.

Volleyball season is over so she has more time so that helps I’m sure.  But she has been so much more organized since I made her use that checklist.  Yes, I’d like just a little credit.  Ha.  But I’ll just say that here, not to her :)

She also usually has clean clothes picked out for the mornings and there are fewer melt downs for sure! (she is now in charge of her own laundry).

I’m very proud of her.  She still complains about the checklist sometimes and it has changed a little since we started it.  She doesn’t have to show it to me every day anymore either.  I still ask to see it occasionally – but only if I think she is lying about getting her list done.  Just asking is usually enough to kick her into gear so she gets it done.

I’m very proud of her.  And she is proud of herself.  She was showing off her binder and its color coded sections a few days ago.  I swear she is even writing neater than she used to.  I think it is because she is proud of her organized notebook!

The Plan for The Teenager

On Sunday morning before Kid1 got up and before everyone else got home, I made a plan for the teenager that creates havoc in our home.  :)

I love her dearly but wow she is difficult. The weekend was so nice with her.  I really enjoyed spending time with her and it was wonderful to have her talking to me instead of yelling and stomping and the rest.  I really want that to continue.  So I sat down at the computer and typed out all the things that we are constantly at odds about.

I googled teenager chores, teenagers behavior, etc.  There are MANY other people trying to figure this out to.  Glad to know I’m not alone.  There are a lot of lists and charts and schedules and contracts out there.  None of them seemed to fit tho.  So I decided to make my own.  It’s more like a checklist and it clearly states what we expect from her.  I figured that to make this work I have to start with the basics and then perhaps be able to add things as time goes by.  I only put on this list things that we already have issues with.  Nothing new.  That was hard because I have lots more that I’d love to add!

The goal of this is for her to be more responsible.  She knows what needs to be done but rarely does it without me nagging and without her throwing a fit.  It creates too much tension.  She is easily distracted.  As am I.  Lists help me.  Maybe they will help her too.  I want to involve hubby so he knows the plan and will back me up.  I have to come up with the plan first though – he hates being all “official” about stuff.  Well winging it has not really worked with Kid1.  There is just too much nagging and yelling and chaos with her.  It’s out of control.  This may or may not work but it’s worth a try.  I hope we can stick with it long enough to make a difference.

I showed it to her this morning.  She moaned.  She said I was treating her like a baby.  I disagree.  This is definitely the most grown-up to do list we have ever had.  We read over it together.  She smirked the whole way through it.  She agreed that these were reasonable requests.  The one she was most worried about was not being able to fight with her siblings.  Ha.  So we’ll see.  She completed her daily list  for today already.  Yippee.

In case you are interested, here is the plan for the teenager. :)

Daily

_____Homework

_____Show mom papers and tell about upcoming tests

_____Tell mom about any schedule changes

_____Volleyball uniform need washed?

_____Does the dishwasher need done?

_____Clean up shoes by the door (only 1 pair on rug)

_____Put dirty clothes in hamper

_____Put clean clothes in drawers

_____Hang up towel in bathroom (right after shower!)

_____Throw away garbage

_____Pick out clothes for tomorrow

Weekly

_____Empty garbage can

_____Laundry

_____Check Grades Online

_____Help with housework on weekend

Weekly Allowance: $____________
(Parents will change this as needed based on seasons – volleyball, football games etc.)

Unacceptable behavior:

  • Not completing chores
  • A bad attitude
  • Yelling at family
  • Fighting with siblings
  • Not being honest about homework or tests
  • Waiting until right before a project is due to start it.

Consequences:

  • Allowance reduced for incomplete chores or bad attitude about them.
  • Lose Ipod
  • Lose cell phone
  • No TV
  • Be grounded.

My daughter is crying in her bed.

My daughter is crying in her bed.

I am frustrated but feeling OK about the argument we had earlier.  It wasn’t even an argument really.  It was just a whole big disagreeable conversation.  I am feeling “OK” about it because I kept my cool pretty well and did not scream at her.  I’m sure I talked through my teeth a time or two.  But that’s pretty good considering I really just wanted to smack her.  lol

The band is going to an amusement park tomorrow.  The park is about 2.5 hours away.  She needs to be at the school by 7:30 am.  It was 10pm and she did not have her stuff ready for the next day.  We had a busy day today and I asked her several times earlier to do this.  I asked her to figure out what she was going to wear.  I told her to see if her band uniform was dry and get it all packed up.  I told her to read the note they sent home so she wouldn’t forget something.  I told her to figure out what she wanted to take for snacks on the bus tomorrow.  You get the idea.  She hadn’t done it.

We went to my niece’s sweet 16 birthday party tonight and got back late.  And we had promised the kids we’d make brown bears at the fire pit so we got that going as soon as we got home.  So that took more time.  And she still hadn’t done it.  Grrr.  So I said I guess you aren’t going since you didn’t bother to get ready.  She finally did it.

Then she and I sat at the kitchen table tonight – at 11pm and read over the letter together to be sure she got everything.  I gave her some money for meals at the park.  She of course argued that it wasn’t enough.  She wanted to play those stupid carnival games too.  I said take your own money for that.  She moaned about that for a while.  Then I asked her what she was gonna wear.  She showed me but then had a melt down because she really wanted to wear her jean shorts but could not find them.  After accusing her sister and I of losing them, and ranting about that for a while, she found them in her hamper in her room.   Every little thing we talked about turned into an argument.  So I said, whatever, I hope you have what you need and headed for bed.

Then I thought about her cell phone and reminded her to plug it in tonight so it would be fully charged for tomorrow.  (Her phone is always going dead cuz she forgets to charge it. And I wanted to be able to contact her tomorrow.) Oh my Gosh.  That turned into this huge argument!  Well, she was arguing wildly, I am proud to say I stayed pretty calm.  Her point was that you should not charge a phone unless it is almost dead because charging it when it doesn’t really need it shortens the battery life.  OK.  I hear ya.  And I told her that.  When did she charge it last?  2 days ago.  Even though the battery was still showing almost full, I still wanted her to plug it in!  She was going on a trip the next day and I wanted to be sure she had a fully charged phone.  I swear she followed me around arguing with me about this for a good ten minutes.  I warned her that she needed to stop and just plug it in.  I understood what she was saying.  But in this case, the most important thing is for her to have a working phone when she is on a trip several hours from home.

She’s 13.  She just had this horrible attitude.  Horrible.  So sassy.  Rolling her eyes and stomping her foot.  I would have laughed had I not felt like screaming!  The final straw was when she huffed “WHATEVER!” and plugged her phone in and just dropped it onto the floor.  When she does stuff like that and does not take care of her things, it drives me insane.  (She bought her phone and she will have to buy herself a new one when this one breaks. )

I said “We are done with this conversation. I am done with this trip.”  And I walked away.  She followed me asking me with attitude what that meant and telling me that I HAD to take her.  The trip was a required event and blah blah blah.  Now truly, I really just meant that I was not gonna talk to her about it anymore tonight.  But when she told me ever so sassily that I HAD to take her…. well!    I just went about my business, got ready for bed.  When we were saying good night she asked me with great concern if she was going tomorrow.  I said ” I don’t see any reason that I should let you go. ”  That was it.  That’s all I said.  And she has been crying in her bed ever since.  Ugh.

One – I did not say NO – YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GO.  Because I have learned not to make big statements like that unless I am ready to back them up.  Not sure I could stick to that.

Two – Her sobs sure sounds like hormonal “I have no idea what’s wrong with me”  kind of crying.  I can relate to that and I have compassion.

Three – Wouldn’t it be great parenting if I stuck to my guns and really didn’t take her tomorrow?!?!?

Four – The band director would have a major hissy.  There is a even a section in the handbook about not grounding your kids from going to play at the Friday night football games, etc.  Band events are required.  None are ever optional.  If you do not attend, you better have a note from the Doctor.  Blah, blah, blah.

Five – I dunno.  It’s very late and I wish I was asleep hours ago.

Another icky tomorrow thing:  Kid2 has convinced me to have a yard sale with her at my sister’s house.  She has already priced and organized many of her things.  She is determined to make some money.  SO I am up way too late and have to get up way too early.  It will not be a fun morning.

I’m picturing a better tomorrow:

Kid1 doesn’t go on band trip.  I tell crazy band director lady that Kid1 is not feeling well.  (That would be true, she will be feeling very angry.)

I could just ask kid2 how much money she thinks she will make at the yard sale, give her that amount and drop off everything at the donation center. (Love this idea!  lol)  Doesn’t teach my daughter a good lesson about earning money or anything, but would get it done quickly.  I’d love to just let this one go.  Then we could go to Lowes and look at poles/columns for the porch.  Do a little tiny bit of shopping, enjoy some ice cream and come home.

Wonder how tomorrow will really play out though?  lol

Good night!

Help! I have a teenager!

She got home from a week long trip on Saturday, July 16th.

Late last week, I told her to clean up her room and finally finish unpacking.
Several times.

On Sunday night I talked to her about the fact that she had not done it yet and that she would need to do it Monday (today). I woke her up around 10:00 this morning. She ate breakfast and watched tv. I reminded her that she needed to clan her room today. She said she knew.  She went to her room and cleaned it up. It looked good. I asked her if she did her dresser too. She said yes. I said really? I’m gonna check it after I get dressed. (I had just showered.)

Her dresser is constantly a mess. Even when I do the laundry & fold her clothes for her, she still just shoves them into whatever drawer they fit. She can never find her clothes when it’s time to get dressed. I often even find dirty, balled up shirts in her drawer, cuz she just scooped some clothes off the floor and jammed them in (probably the last time I asked her to clean up her clothes.) At the beginning of the summer we went through her drawers together and got rid of things that she didn’t like or didn’t fit. We got rid of more things than I felt comfortable with actually but it was great because it was easy for her to find things and keep it neat. I figured that would be a big help for her. Well, clothes multiply I guess :) Because the dresser is over-flowing again…..  Should I just leave her alone and let her have her messy dresser?  No. I already tried that approach actually. And there is drama every time we are trying to get ready to go somewhere and she can’t find her clothes.  We’re done with that.

So I got dressed and went back to look in her drawers. I have learned in the past that I need to check up on her when she does a chore or she just does it half-assed. Just enough to get it done. Anyway, I opened the top drawer. I could tell immediately that it was not done. The drawer was so stuffed it was hard to open. Her top drawer is her underwear/socks/pj drawer. Right on top was a pair of jean shorts. I closed the drawer and said you didn’t do this did you? She protested that at least she got everything to fit in the drawers. I said “You need to do it now.” I left the room. I came back about 5 minutes later and she was still playing a video game.  I said “Put that away and do your dresser.” She whined “wait!”. So I waited. She continued to play it. So I said “Give it to me. You can have it back after you finish.” She got mad and sassed me. I don’t remember what she said but she wasn’t happy. I told her I’d be back in a bit and left the room.

I went back way later. At least an hour later. She was sitting at her desk working on a puzzle. She said she finished her dresser. I went and opened a different drawer this time. It looked like all shirts. Yay. They weren’t neat but at least looked like she sorted the clothes into the right drawers. Then I tried to close the drawer and it was stuck. So I opened it again. There was a sock ball stuck. And then I saw a bra. And then I saw a balled up, inside out, dirty shirt… Grr. She didn’t do it after all. So I yelled at her that she still didn’t do it! She yelled at me that she wasn’t gonna do it either. Here we go…

I said then I will be taking away some privileges. I took her phone. I took her prized makeup case. She is not big on possessions. She doesn’t text a lot either, not compared to most of her friends. She is a hard one. I have always had a hard time trying to figure out what works best for her. She is a people person. I remember one time we were at the end of our rope, we had already taken away privileges, and various toys etc. She didn’t care. She really didn’t. So I grounded her. Well she doesn’t go a lot of places with friends either. We were planning to go to the in-laws for a super bowl party. I told her she couldn’t go. She and I stayed home and she cried and cried. That’s when I figured out what mattered to her – Hanging out with people she loves. Her Grammy in that case. But really? How can I use that as a punishment?

Back to today, she spent a lot of time today working on a puzzle instead of cleaning her room. So I said put the puzzle away, I am taking it until you do what I asked you to do. Right? Well she flipped out and started wildly messing it up and throwing it around. O my. I mean come on! I gave her so many chances to do what I asked. SO many. So my friends… tell me please…… What would you have done in that situation? What on earth can I do to get through to her?!? Seriously I felt like spanking her. But she is 13. This is only gonna get worse through these teen years I am sure. We have had many situations like this in the past. Many. I swear it has gotten worse with hormones though.  Help!

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.