Random Updates: Vday, Emotions, Lent, Funerals

Hi.  There is so much to say, I am behind.  I blog in my head, but can’t seem to get here to type it out.

Let’s see.  I did start the inevitable ‘Vday Sucks’ post but never finished it.  It is quite ugly anyway.  Probably better left in the draft section.  Short story: hubby didn’t get me anything for VDay, I tried not to care but failed.  We’ve had this issue for years.  Gifts are one of my love languages so it truly is important to me. He knows that.  I am not a materialistic bitch that demands expensive gifts.  I just want to know I am appreciated. Valued.  I think gifts say that because someone made the effort and wanted to take the time to show you that you are loved.  That is special.  I’ve said it before… write me a note, buy me my favorite gum or candy bar…  whatever!  Or even better yet – actually look at me and say some kind words and say “Happy Valentine’s Day.”  That is all I ask.  Words of affirmation are my primary love language :)

I’ve had a rough time controlling my emotions lately.  Doing better the last few days but it was rough for a while.  It was not the regular PMS time so I don’t know what’s up but I was a freakin mess.  I lost it on hubby.  Not proud.  Just being honest.  I have felt all out of sorts and can’t figure out why.  It felt like PMS that wouldn’t go away.  Ugh.  I am feeling normal now and hopefully this lasts!

LENT:  Usually I don’t give up anything for lent.  I haven’t for many years but we were reading about it cuz the kids were asking questions so I decided to give up coffee.  I know. I am stupid!  I love my coffee!  I knew it was going to be hard.  That’s the point though right?  I’m wondering if that had anything to do with my erratic mood that just wouldn’t quit.  I haven’t had any coffee for 6 days now.  Woo hoo.  Caffeine withdrawal is rough!  I am drinking tea instead so I am still getting caffeine, but not nearly as much.  Kids 2 & 3 gave up minecraft for lent.  THAT has been very hard for my son especially.  It was his own decision though and I am proud of him for sticking with it.  One of the articles we read said that Sundays didn’t count, meaning you could have whatever you gave up on Sundays.  I never heard that before but that is what happened with minecraft and it has helped.  I didn’t have coffee on Sunday, didn’t want to be tempted back to my beloved coffee!  Anyway, the last few days I have felt much calmer.  Not sure if it has to do with my hormone cycle or maybe because I got the caffeine out of my system.  I’ve been meaning to cut back anyway since caffeine is NOT good for people with anxiety / panic attacks.

We had 2 deaths in the family last week and the funerals were this past weekend.  They were both hubby’s relatives that we were not real close with.  Turns out I only went to one viewing.  Hubby attended more than that but I became the family babysitter for moms that didn’t want to take their kids to the funerals.  That was much easier.  I was stressing a lot about going.   I was proud of hubby for going without me.  He is quite anti-social and dreads these things too.

I know there is more I wanted to babble about….  I will add it later I guess as I remember.

Tomorrow I take 2 kiddos to the eye doctor and on Thursday Kid2 gets her braces on.  Anxiety about these appointments?  No… yea right!

G’night all!

My Best Valentine’s Day Ever: Sixth Grade

Valentine’s Day

It’s a good day because it gets people in relationships to express their love to each other.

It’s an icky day cuz it is just a day of wishes, expectations, and disappointment.

I bought hubby some Valentine’s Day candy.  Hubby brought me some Valentine’s Day candy.  That was wonderful.  Funny how that should have been enough.  What more did I want?  I want him to look me in the eyes and sincerely say ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ or ‘I love you” or something.  Yea, Yea I know.  I should just shut up and be happy.  And it was an improvement over Valentine’s Day last year.

I’m a romantic at heart.  Hubby is not.  AT ALL.  I know this.  I have been married to this man for 17 years… I know this!  It still makes me a little sad.

And facebook does not help!  Everyone who had a great Vday feels the need to brag about it and post pics, and even engagement rings.  Yay them.

My BFFs hubby works out of town.  He left for the week on Monday morning.  Before he left, she gave him a Vday gift.  I forget what it was – some kind of electronic thing.  He said to her that he doesn’t get into Vday and he doesn’t celebrate it and it’s stupid.  Now he’s not a total jerk so he probably meant something not so horrible – like maybe people should show their love all year round, not just one day a year.  I have no idea – I’m just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Made BFF feel like crap though.  Yes, she knows this about him.  It is still hard to be reminded of these things every year.

Every girl wants a little romance!

My best Valentine’s Day Ever:

Sixth grade.  Kevin – my first boyfriend.  We were neighbors and in the same class at school.  We were both patrols on the bus and sat in the back 2 seats – across the isle from each other.  (Remember patrols?!?) On Valentine’s day he gave me a heart necklace.  He was SO SWEET!  It was unexpected.  It was perfect.  Best Valentine’s day I’ve ever had and I never even kissed the boy!   lol

Maybe that day is the root of all my Vday disappointments!  He set the bar too high – no guy could ever compete with that!  :)

Now that I think about that…  I have not received jewelry for Valentine’s Day since then!  I’ve had boyfriends give me stuffed animals, flowers, and candy.  (I’m sorry but somebody please tell the guys to skip the stuffed animals unless you’re still in grade school!)

Hubby has given me candy and occasionally flowers over the years but he still makes sure to let me know that he thinks it’s all a big pain.  Sigh.

I love my man.  Valentine’s Day?  Not so much.

Happy Valentine’s Day – For Real.

I haven’t written in a while.  So very busy and overwhelmed.  Hope to write more soon and journal all about it….

Today is Valentine’s Day.  It could have been a yucky day.  A few months ago I would have told you hubby and I would be living separately by now.  But we aren’t.  We are still here chugging along.  Ups and Downs.  Good days and bad.  We’re working through it.

It has been a good day.

Yesterday I was out shopping and called home.  Hubby asked me if I got anything for the kids for V-day yet cuz he wasn’t gonna be stopping anywhere on his way to work tonight.  I already had.  That comment went straight to my heart though.  It hurt.  Because I knew it also meant that I would be getting nothing.  Yea, this is my PMS week, so feelings hit a little harder right now.  That was an OUCH.

Not because I need a gift, it is the thought that counts.  Everyone wants to be appreciated and valued right?  When someone takes time to show you that in any way, it is a good feeling.  We have been married for 16 years.  The man knows this is important to me.  He could write me a note.  He could stop at the gas station on the way home and get me my favorite cappuccino.  I’m not hard to please.  Just please do something.  He could just walk in the door give me a big kiss, look into my eyes, say Happy Valentine’s Day and mean it.  That’s it.  Like I said I’m not hard to please.  It’s not like I want some huge, expensive gift.

So last night when I got home I showed him what I got for the kids.  He said he was feeling so tired he didn’t want to have to leave for work early and stop anywhere on the way.  He said he wanted to tell me on the phone that I should just pick something out for myself too.  And he kinda laughed.  I said I’m not doing that.  That’s sad. He said then sorry to say you won’t be getting a gift.

Before I went to bed I made up little goody bags for the kids so they’d see them on the table in the morning.  I put his gift in a goody bag too.

He refused to open it this morning even though the kids were on his case about it.  Finally he whispered something to them and then they let it go.

After they got on the bus hubby said he was running to Napa.  Yes, he got me something while he was out too.  He said he wouldn’t open his this morning cuz he felt bad about not having something for me yet.  I said OK, now let’s both open them.  So we did.  You know what’s funny?  We got each other the same exact Valentine’s Day package of Demet’s Turtles.

Now that’s love.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.