This story is so stupid.

Hubby was an ass tonight.  He has not been sleeping enough.  I know it, he knows it, kids know it.  We try to avoid him cuz he’s been a grump.

He knew I was nervous about my meeting today.  I told him a little about it last night.  Today when he got home (from going to the ag fair with his parents and kid3 instead of sleeping!) he was telling me about all the exhibits.  When he stopped, I told him I got the job!  He said “yeah”.  Not yay, just yeah. And then he turned to kid3 and started talking about something else.  I stood there for a few minutes.  Perhaps he wasn’t done talking, perhaps he had just thought of what he wanted to say to kid3.  So I waited and thought me might come back to my news.  He never did.  Their conversation was over pretty quickly and he started reading the paper.

I talked to kid3 a bit and returned to my office.  10-15 minutes later he popped his head in and asked why I went away.  I said because you totally dismissed my news.  He said “I said yeah.”  I just looked at him.  How can I argue with that?  lol   If he didn’t see the problem with that, there is no sense in me telling him now is there?

My kids here happy for me and asked me all about it later.  That helped :)

And he is back to holding grudges over stupid things.

Several days ago I removed his towel from his rack in the bathroom because it smelled musty.  The kids had been hanging their swimsuits in the upstairs bathroom and just piling towels on top of towels.  Of course they didn’t dry and they got all musty and stinky.  I washed a bunch of them with vinegar and the problem was solved.  Well it either didn’t work for that towel or I missed it.  Anyway, it stunk and I took the towel away and hung it in the spare room next to the bathroom on a clothes rack.  It was late at night, I was headed to bed and I planned to take care of it in the morning.

The next morning he came out of the bathroom yelling about where is his towel.  I told him.  He yelled why.  I told him.  Then he yelled that I should take it to the basement not put it in another room. (where the washing machine is)  What is the big deal?  Just get another freakin towel!!

Anyway, he has not been hanging his towel in the bathroom.  His rack has been empty.  I figured he was hanging it on the basement rack or something.  Tonight I was folding laundry in the living room and he was getting ready to take his shower before work.  He boomed “Where is my towel?”  I said I didn’t know.  He said it was in the dryer with some of the kids swimming towels.  I said that I had folded the things that were in the dryer so it is in the bathroom closet.  Then Kid1 said that her towel was on his rack and that she would move it.  He yelled that he doesn’t use his rack anymore.  Kid1 asked him why and he just glared and stormed away.

This story is so stupid.

It is stupid for me to waste my time typing all that out.

So I guess the reason that he no longer uses his towel rack is because I moved his towel when it needed washed?

I have washed the towels many many times so that’s just weird.  He has been using that same towel rack for 15 years.  Now he is boycotting it because…?  Because why exactly?  I will ask him that sometime after he’s had a good 8 hours of sleep.

After he left for work though I got really mad about all this nonsense and sat down here to type it out.  Here’s the thing – If he thinks he’s going back to his jerky ways and and going to get away with it, he is WRONG!  I will not live with him that way again.  I will not be subjected to his stupid fits of rage that make absolutely no sense.  If he doesn’t see the problem with his little grudge-holding fits, that’s a problem too.

I’m gonna call him on it and he is going to deal with it.

If he refuses to see that there is a problem, then we have a much bigger problem than I want to think about right now.

No way.  Not going back there.

Yes he is tired.  I let that be his excuse for way too long too.  Nope, not gonna work this time.

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Letting Go of a Grudge

Oh!  And here is something else I’ve been wanting to tell my blog friends…

Remember my hubby is the king of holding grudges?  Remember that he wouldn’t go to his sister’s house for years (5  I think) because he stuck his nose in an argument his sister had with his parents and then decided to hold a grudge against her?

Well Easter dinner was at sister’s house this year.  He said a few swear words when he heard that was where it was going to be.  But he didn’t say he wasn’t going until about 10 minutes before it was time to go.  I just brushed it off and told him to get ready.  And he did.

While dinner was still begin prepared, the kids all wanted to go see the new baby goats.  They were only a few days old.  So they ran out to the barn.  I followed and then sent kid3 back to get his dad.  I said tell him you want to show him the goats.  He did and hubby came out to the barn.  For the first time ever!

When I went back in the house to help sis-in-law in the kitchen, she asked where hubby was.  I told her he was out at the barn.  She look shocked and thrilled.  Her eyes teared up and she said she didn’t think he would come.

I told hubby that later.  I think it may have hit him in the heart a little.  I hope it did.

Anger Management Plan for My Family

I talked to hubby the other night about how there is just too much yelling in this house.  I said we need an anger management plan.  His immediate response was “Well I’m not gonna go have someone tell me what I need to do.  I’m not going to counseling.”

I said “Believe it or not, there are people who know more than you. ”  I said it with a smile.  Ha.  Amazingly that statement did not cause a fight.

This is not new, we both have talked about this in the past and about how we don’t want to be yelling and feel bad about it every time we do.  Ugh.  Why is it SO hard to change these destructive behaviors!?!?!?

So I said we need to come up with our own plan then.  He said well if we need to learn something or be told something about how to raise our family, we should read the bible if anything.  I almost dropped dead.  First of all, this is the man who normally refuses to cooperate with any actual plan.  Second, this man has said sometime recently that he was not so sure he was saved and I think he thinks God stuff is just corny and fake.  He never reads his bible.  Ever.  Sorry to say.  Yes, our family prays at dinner and we say prayers with the kids at bedtime.  We read bible stories together etc.  But hubby has probably only ever prayed at dinner once or twice ever.  True.  He just doesn’t feel comfortable praying out loud.  But he does make sure the kids do it.  Wow – I could gab and gab about this – that’s a whole other post :)

So I said the book I was reading now tells us what the bible says about anger.  He laughed.  Of course it does, he said.

Book:  Home Improvement: Eight Tools for Effective Parenting

I read this book when my kids were younger.  It has some great ideas for disciplining your kids.  They have a new take on the classic “time-out” and it has been very helpful to me in the past.  I remembered it had a section on dealing with anger.  So I found it on the bookshelf and re-read some parts.  I am so glad I did.  I love the info they give on dealing with anger in your family.

Now, if I can just get hubby to read it….   He is the one with most of the anger.  Seriously.   And the book even talks about holding grudges etc.  I have written before about how he is the king of holding grudges!  I think if we can look at it as trying to get rid of anger in our FAMILY, then he won’t feel like I am pointing the finger at him and perhaps he will be all for this?  That would be awesome.

Hubby is always yelling about something…..   And I yell too much too :(    I am not proud.  And of course the kids have learned this behavior.  Some days just seem like one big blow up in this house.  We need to change this!

Problem:  Hubby isn’t a big reader.  He doesn’t sit still long enough to read much.  And if he does actually sit down, he is watching TV or falls asleep.  I don’t want this to be just another hopeful conversation that we have and then that’s the end of it.  But I also know him well enough by now to know that if I push him on it, he’ll shut down.  Grrr..   What to do?!?!

If I catch him in the right mood, I can show him the book and then leave it on his night stand.  Oh!  Wonder if they have this as an audiobook???  I just looked and found it on amazon for $20.  Hmm, I’ll have to ask him if he would prefer to listen to it instead of reading it.  He could listen to it in the car on his way to work.  See, he would hate that I am planning that for him.  I’m just making a suggestion!  I think it’s a great idea :)  lol

Why do people hold grudges?

Wow.  I typed that into google and apparently it is a much bigger problem than I realized.  My hubby is KING of the grudges!

Kid1 wants me to take her shopping after school today. She sold ham sandwiches for the band that we need to deliver today also.  Hubby (who has been pretty wonderful lately btw!) offered to deliver them for us so that we could get to the stores earlier and hopefully be back in time for Kid3’s basketball game.  Awesome right?  Then he looked at the order form.  Nope.  Nevermind.  He won’t go to his older sister’s house!  Grrrr….  The whole sweet offer was taken back because he has held a grudge for probably 2 years now!

He won’t go to her house.  The argument that started the whole thing didn’t even involve him.  It irritates me so much!  His parents and this sister had some issues a while ago and at one point his sister or her husband made a comment about them staying down here and they’ll stay up there.  Meaning – don’t come up to our house, and we won’t come to yours. (There are mountains where we live, which is where the up & down came from :)  They have all made up since then and have been at each others houses many times….  hubby on the other hand was so very angry at the way that his sis treated his parents that he decided he would never go to her house either.  And that has stuck.  They talk and everyone gets along just fine.  And we all get together other places.  That’s what makes this even crazier!  So he gets along with them just fine, but still refuses to go to their house.  Stubborn.  That’s all it is.  Stubborn.  And just stupid if you ask me.  What could he possibly be getting out of this???

So I googled it.  Here is what I found (paraphrased).

Reasons:

  • Immaturity
  • Some things are truly unforgivable.
  • Some people are just jerks.
  • Some people are very bitter.
  • Ego.
  • It is a control thing.
  • They are holding the grudge because they haven’t gotten even yet.  Yikes!
  • It’s better than acting on the revenge you feel.
  • We want the other person to apologize or acknowledge they did something wrong.
  • Some people feel like the world is out to get them.  (My Hubby!)
  • They have been hurt by someone they trusted.  A grudge protects them from future hurts by that person.
  • People think that if they let go of the grudge then they are excusing the other person’s actions.

Is it effective?

  • It hurts the person holding the grudge, no one else.  (Well I’ll bet it irritates and maybe even does hurt many spouses out there!)
  • The other person may not even know they upset you.
  • A grudge makes you feel like you are in control – but it is really controlling you.

Some good advice:

  • We need to be mature and try to forgive and be tolerant of others.
  • Don’t judge others unless you are perfect yourself.
  • Try to see the situation from the other person’s point of view and understand what they did.
  • NOBODY is perfect, including the grudge holder!
  • Let go of whatever was done to you and Give it to God!
  • Treat others how you’d like to be treated
  • We all make mistakes.  Forgive and move on!

I found lots of information about this.  The problem is that unless hubby WANTS to rid himself of this grudge there is nothing I can do about it.  I am not in charge of him.

Yes, it infuriates me.  It has been an inconvenience for me many times.  He holds grudges about  lots of things with lots of people.  It’s sad really.  But with his sister it is harder.  We are invited to their house several times a year for birthday parties etc.  They also have a great barn with baby goats and lots of fun stuff the kids love.  He has never even seen their new barn.  Oh he asks the kids MANY questions all about it.  But he won’t go.  I take the kids.  Everyone knows the reason that he is not there.  I used to think it made me look bad too that he wouldn’t come.  Then I decided not to worry about it.  They have known him longer than I have – they know how he is!

All I can do is talk to my kids about it and try to get them to understand that it is not OK to act that way. I try to do that without bad-mouthing their Dad.  Harder said than done.  Now when they ask me why he won’t go somewhere, I tell them they’ll have to ask him.  I used to make excuses for him.  Not because he asked me to.  Not because he cared at all what other people think.  I did it because I didn’t want my kids to know their father would act like that.  They look up to him.  I don’t want them to do the same!  So I talk to them.  And I talk and I talk and I talk.  I think at this point they know that I love their Dad but I disagree with many things he does.  I think that’s a nice way to put it.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.