Nothing Accomplished

Well after all my stressing last night, nothing happened as expected.  Of course.

Hubby decided he was going to go.  He knew I was stressing and did it for me.  I didn’t ask him to and have to admit that when he said he was going, I was kind of mad.  I stressed about it so much.  I had already taken my 2nd ativan.  I was gearing up for a fight against the panic monster and then there would be none.  Then I thought I’d just still drive separately, just to get that drive over with and build my confidence.

When it came down to it though, we all just went together.  Just cause it made sense I guess.  I don’t know.  Kid schedules and supper chaos and it was just like ok, its time go, and we went.  There is another game there tomorrow night.  I don’t know if hubby will go or not.  I don’t want to have a big freak out about it again though.    I think I will have time to go for a drive tonight and I might just drive the whole way there.  Heck – maybe I’ll just go drive back and forth on that blasted road and show it whose boss.

Happy Tuesday.

So much work to do today!  I’m drinking my decaf tea and missing my coffee jolt!

Have a good day all.

 

 

More Driving Drama in My Head

Tonight there is a baseball game in XXXX.  I’ve had a panic attack driving there last year.  So… I didn’t like it anyway.  Well now of course it’s a lot worse since my latest freakouts are like driving anxiety on steroids.

Sigh.

Hubby isn’t going tonight which means I’m the driver.  He COULD go and then leave early.  He doesn’t want to.  I know he’s doing it to give me a push.  I’ve been driving this past weekend.  Ever since Friday when I went to pick up my prescription after we took Kid2 to the formal.

It hasnt been easy.  It’s been difficult but not as bad as it has been.  Even the short trips back and forth to town – which are like 7 minute drives – I still batlle like mini attacks.  It’s strange.  They’ve been a little different.  It’s like I feel it coming and I look for the heat to come, I kinda focus on that burning sensation instead of feeling like I’m gonna pass out.  Guess I’m not as afraid of the heat.  (Described earlier here – like burning up from the inside out) I think to myself “OK, bring it on” – all the while ready to pull over if needed.  (All while attempting to appear normal and completely unphased – continuing on with conversation with my kiddos.  It is truly exhausting!)  The panic attacks have been passing more quickly though.

Of course I’ve been drugged up.  Ugh.  That’s what I’ve been calling it.  I’ve been taking 2 ativan a day and feel wow tired!

Oh – On Thursday, I decided I needed to go to the store.  I had no Easter Bunny supplies at all.  So I took an ativan as soon as I woke up.  Now, I KNOW you’re supposed to take them every 6 hours. Well….  I took another one about 2 hours later cuz I needed to leave and really wanted that in my system before driving again.  I also decided I was going to stand in line and return some things at Walmart – the lines I hate – AND sadly, get a haircut too.  Ha!  I really need a haircut, figured I should just drug it up and do it all at once!

I was fine driving there.  I was fine in the return line.  It was when I sat down to have my haircut that I felt overwhelmingly tired!  I swear I felt drunk!  Not good.  Not good at all.  I told her I didn’t feel well.  She hurried and still did a good job I have to say!  But then instead of shopping, I retreated to my van.  I laid my seat back cuz my head felt so heavy.  And guess what?  I fell asleep!  Oh my gosh.  There I am sleeping in the Walmart parking lot right around noon!   Nice.  OK.  Lesson learned.  I will NOT take them that close together again.   I did wake up about half an hour later, felt much better and did my shopping :)  Some days I feel like such a freak!

Wow this post is all over the place.

My point…. I DO NOT feel ready to drive my kids to XXXX tonight.  It is about a 35 minute drive.  I told hubby I wanted to do it by myself the first time.  (We have another game there on Wednesday that hubby cant attend.)  I told him he should take all the kids, I’ll say I have to finish working first, I’ll come just a little while later – by myself – and then he can leave early.  That works right?  He said no.  Grrrr.

He said he really doesnt want to go and he really believes I can do it.

Well now my plan is to send Kid3 with his uncle (and coach) and send my girls with gram & pap.  I can say I have to run to my sisters house (in another town) first and then will meet them there.

What I would REALLY do though is just drive the regular way to get to XXXX and go early.  And drive around that blasted town and all those freaking roads that I’ve had bad experience on.  All by myself.  Then I would bring everyone home.

Does that sound like a bunch of trouble to go to just to avoid driving there with a carload of my kids?  Absolutely.  I know it is insane.  I just do not feel ready.  I get scared that I will pass out.  I have seen the black spots way too many times while I was driving.  I DO NOT want to wreck and hurt  my kids  Or even scare them!  I don’t want this to be something they ever even see!  They need to know they can depend on me and feel safe with me.

So yea, this is me freaking out a bit today  :(

—-

And here’s an update already… that plan was shot to hell.  Gram & Pap arent going tonight so I cant send my girls with them.

 

aaggghhhhhhhh

Let me tell you about last night.

Last night was the spring formal dance for kid2.  She was gorgeous as usual.

shoes

Image Source :DebShops.com

These are the shoes she wore – sparkly gold – and the rest of the outfit was even more fabulous.

 

Let me backtrack just a little….Kid2 also had an ortho appointment that morning that hubby took her to. 

The day before when Kid3 puked yet again at school – hubby went to pick him up and I made an appt and he took him to the doctor.  Hubby didn’t get to bed that day until about 2pm after working all night.

He’s been doing all the running around since I’ve been freaking out about driving.  And he has been wonderful about it.  I have had great guilt, especially when he needs to be sleeping!

So last night was the formal.  How this usually goes is we get ready, take pictures at home with the family, go to town, meet up with friends at the park that has great backdrops for more pics and take pics with friends, dates, etc.  Then we take them all up to the school where they see a few more friends, we take a few more pics, and then they finally go into the dance.  And we pick them up when its over.  Hubby has never participated in any of that.  And I was worried that he was reaching the end of his rope – feeling stressed about having to do all of this stuff he doesn’t normally have to do.

(NOT ONCE did I point out that I usually do all the stuff that he is feeling overwhelmed doing…. ha… but I want to point that out here!  Don’t you know it ladies!)

So in anticipation for last night let’s just say I was fully loaded with ativan.  Ha, that sounds bad.  But really, I wanted it in my system full strength because I was really afraid that I would have to do all that on my own last night and I still haven’t driven much at all since the driving panic attacks have been in high gear.  I spread the ativan throughout the day like you are supposed to.  I took 2 and 1/2 yesterday.

Turns out hubby was awesome – as he has been lately.  He was a little irritated when he heard about all the picture taking plans but he went along with it anyway.

He held her coat and gabbed with the other dads and when it was all over, I think he was glad he went.  I said “see what you’ve been missing!” He just laughed.  Kid2 was going t a friends house after the dance so no need to go pick her up.

Another thing on the list of things I’d asked hubby to do for me before Sunday was go get my RX refill.  Well with all that ativan in me, and my successful little drive around the block the other day, I decided I was going to try it myself.  I figured I’d go myself, pull over when I needed to, wait it out and carry on.  I need to face this.

Hubby offered to come along.  I said no.  He suggested I take Kid1 with me.  I said no.  I don’t want people watching me freak out!  So off I went.  I made sure I had Roar playing. Ha.  Never really got into that song before but it felt so empowering the other night, I put it on my ipod.

I was ok.  There were some what if moments.  But there were no black spots.  I am hosting Easter dinner for  my family here on Sunday and need some groceries but I had decided that once I got there, if all I could do was go through the drive through pharmacy window, that was just fine.  Well I did that and my RX wasnt ready of course so I had 20 minutes to kill.  SO I went and did my grocery shopping.  Then I went into the Dollar store next door.  I was walking around thinking wow – I feel like a normal person!  Yay.

So I got my med and drove home.  No trouble.  Yes, there were the thoughts in the back of my head but they didn’t take over.  Hubby loves mcdonalds double cheeseburgers.  I knew he was planning to be working in the garage on his 4-wheeler so I did a drive through and got some burgers for him and the kids and some fries for me.  (YUM – it’s been SO long since I ate any french fries!)

I went straight to the garage when I got home and he looked up with a big smile and said “There you are!  I had my phone with me in case you needed me.”  I said I come bearing gifts and gave him the burger.  He laughed and sat down and ate it.  I told him how I felt like a normal person tonight but I hated that it took all that med to make me feel that way.  You know what he said?  Well if that’s what it takes to straighten out those chemicals in your brain, then that’s what it takes.

THAT IS HUGE.  Because that means he looked it up and was reading about panic attacks.  He had told me he was going to do that cuz he just couldn’t understand what was wrong with me.  He has always been one of those guys that reject medicine and thinks that if you were just stronger, you could deal with it.  Like you feel nervous about something? Buck up and do it anyway. So he finally sees that there is more to it than that.  I’m sure that watching me freak out  – actually seeing me freak out in the car and not being able to get off the bathroom floor – helped him realize it was really real.  Ha!

So then I left him in the garage and went home to my other kiddos who were lost in minecraft world.  They only looked up when they smelled cheeseburgers.   lol

Then I thought of him saying about having his phone with him just in case.  So I texted him

text

And he is.  He really is here for me.

Zoloft: Day 18

OK I’m supposed to be working so I’ll try to keep this quick.  I’ve been logging massive work hours lately so yay!

About this anxiety crap in my life….

I’ve been taking Zoloft.  This is day 18.  I took 1/2 pills for a week, then bumped it up to whole pills (50mg) for a week, then feeling very frustrated that I didnt feel any different at all I asked my dr if I could bump it up again.  She said I could try it but that I hadnt really given the med time to work yet.  The thing was that I wasnt having any bad side effects at all – a good side effect was that I was a bit more motivated around the house etc, but I was still freaking out about driving.

Hubby has still been the driver and he has been a good sport but I know its working on his nerves.  I don’t blame him.  We have busy kids and there is a lot of running around to do.

Well last Tuesday the school called, my son had puked and I needed to go pick him up.  Hubby was asleep since he works 3rd shift.  I was feeling “off” that day anyway and knew it wouldn’t be easy but I had to go right?  And its stupid anyway, so I decided to go get him.  No ativan in me at all.

I made it about a mile towards town and panic hit me.  I pulled over and sat there, planning to continue on but just couldn’t make myself.  Then I started thinking yea, what if I go get him, and then this happens the whole way home?  I’m so afraid I’m going to hurt someone when these panic attacks hit me in the car.

SO…I finally calmed down enough and drove home and woke up my hubby.  I felt completely defeated.  I couldn’t even go get my son from school when he was sick!  I did get in the car and ride along with hubby cuz I am determined not to give up and need to get in a car as often as possible to learn to deal with this.  It was ok, but geesh.  Kid3 was freezing so hubby blasted the heat and we put the windows up.  Kill me now.

That whole thing was very upsetting to me.  I have a family and responsibilities.  They need to be able to count on me in an emergency to be able to drive them somewhere!  If I had been by myself that day – and not going to pick someone up – I would have fought through it and made my way there step by step, however long it took.  But that’s different.  My puking kid was sitting in the school office with a bucket waiting for me.  I had to hurry!

This was before I upped my zoloft to 75 mg.  And that day I determined that the only was I was going to get  over this is to go for a drive every single day until I get over this nonsense.  Like I did with the grocery store way back when.   And when hubby goes somewhere, I go along if I can, just to get more exposure.

So Monday evening I took 75mg Zoloft instead of 50.  The next morning was hell.  I was heaving, although I never actually puked and I was burning up like before on the Celexa.  Its not like a fever.  Its like I feel like I’m burning up from the inside out.  I googled it later and it seems that is just another way a panic attack manifests itself for some people.  One lady on a message board said she decided to decide that she liked when she felt that way and to look forward to it.  She said “imagine how many calories I’m burning when I heat up like that!”  And then that took away the power, she was no longer afraid of that and she rarely has that symptom anymore.  LOVE THAT!

SO the Tuesday I went back to 50mg.  My plan was to increase it slowly, every other night.  I felt normal Wednesday morning.  Wednesday eve I took 75mg again and expected to feel crappy this morning.  I was kinda looking forward to the burning sensation cuz I was all psyched up to change it into a positive too – but it never came.  I felt good this morning too.  Maybe my body is getting used to the increased dose already.  Who knows.

And just now I got in my car and drove around the block.  Yippee.  Katy Perry – Roar was on the radio and I sag it loud and proud and smiled.  Tomorrow I’ll do it again.  Only maybe further.  Or maybe I’ll do it again tonight.  We’ll see. But I’m not giving up.

Have good day.  Enjoy the sunshine!

I drove. I shopped.

I just drove into town and went to 2 stores.

 

Woo Hoo!

 

Take that Panic Attacks!

Done with Wellbutrin, Starting Celexa

Yesterday I took the last wellbutrin pill that I plan to take.

I’ve been weaning off of those ever since my big driving panic attack that I am convinced they triggered.    On Friday my doctor agreed that I needed something different.  Not sure the wellbutrin had been helping much before that anyway and I have been taking ativan almost daily so thats not good.  That is not the purpose of my ativan.  It’s just supposed to help me as needed, and I’m not supposed to need it every day!

Part of me wants to just wait it out and see how I do without any medication in my system.  I hate that medication has become normal for me.

But then kid2 asked me to take her and 3 friends to the mall this weekend to shop for dresses for the spring formal.  Just the thought of driving them there made me want to start popping ativan!

Last night I drove to kid3’s playoff basketball game – my kids and kid2’s BFF – and it was HARD.  I did it cuz hubby didn’t go to the game but it wasn’t fun at all.  I had a little episode on the way there and slowed way down, expecting to pull over, but kept fighting and and got through it and kept going.  Amazing to me that kids don’t notice.  Ha.  They were gabbing and picking on each other and fighting and all that they do and were oblivious to what was going on up front.  Ha.  Even Kid1 who sat in the front passenger seat.  She had her headphones on and her head laid back and was in her own world.  I’m glad she was.

Anyway…. the thought of drivign them to the mall should not freak me out.  And that is ridiculous.

So I decided I would start the Celexa  (Citalopram) today.   I haven’t done it yet though.  I keep putting it off.  I’m starting with half a pill and its unlikely to have any side effects immediately but I was reading online about how one of the beginning side effects is dizziness and I am afraid of that I guess.  And I really don’t want to have to deal with that and have to be in charge of my kids…. I don’t know.  Then what if I take it now – almost bedtime and it keeps me awake tonight?  I have a conference call tomorrow with the Maybe Millionaires and I need to be completely focused and ready for that.  I cant be all sleep deprived and foggy!  Aggh.    Yes, this is just me babbling whats happening in my head right now.  Ha.

OK.  I’m going to take it now.  If not now, when?  I am praying this will help.  The plan is for this to help me overcome a lot of my social anxiety and get strong and confident and do all the things that I need to do and that I want to do!  Then I will wean off off this medication too and be forever fixed.  Yep, that’s right.  I didn’t use to have panic attacks.  And I don’t plan to have them for the rest of my life either.  :D

Here we go.  Celexa:  Day 1

Driving Anxiety : My Last Big Panic Attack

So here it is.  The story of my last big panic attack that I keep referring to.

I take  wellbutrin to help me with my anxiety.  It has been working.  I need brand name because the generic makes me puke and I don’t stop puking even after an “adjustment period”. Every single time my prescription runs out and the pharmacy requires a new one from the doctors office they give me terrible trouble and try to get me to switch to generic.  So much I could say about their nonsense but the result this time was that I was almost out of pills and they were taking their good old time in approving the new RX.  I started stretching the pills out.  You don’t just quit taking these pills, you have to taper off of them.  I didn’t want to do that, I was just trying to spread them out until I got more. And it was taking forever!  I finally got the refill and started back in taking them again as normal.  That was my first mistake.  I didn’t think about the fact that I was weaned off of them pretty well by now.  About 3 days later I was a nervous wreck and it took me a while to realize it was because I overloaded my body with the wellbutrin too quickly.

Of course that was the day I had to drive my daughter to the ortho.  I had been sweating all day.  My hands had been shaking.  At times that day my heart felt like it was beating so hard I was sure people could see it popping out of my chest.   I took 2 ativan to help me calm down and then I picked my daughter up from school.  I had the window down in the car. The cold air helped even though she kept complaining that she was freezing.  We were talking a lot.  I was trying to distract myself and focus on her instead of how I felt.  That worked for a while.

Then we started talking about my brother and his wife who are trying to have a baby.  That turned into a conversation about sis-in-law’s sister who died from a brain tumor shortly after her twins were born. That is an emotional story.  Oh my.  I hadn’t thought of that in several years and it hit me.  I don’t like medical stuff.  It makes me feel queasy even on good days.  Well I was not having a good day anyway and the emotion of those memories put me over the edge I guess.

Here it was.  The panic monster had come for me.  We were stopped at a red light and I was trying hard to refocus.  I changed the radio station, looked in my purse for nothing really, checked my phone.  Oh my.  I couldn’t shake it and the black spots were there and they were big.  I was terrified I was going to pass out at the wheel of my car!  The light was red for what seemed like forever so I put the car in park, figuring that would be best in case I actually did pass out.

The light turned green and I was shaking so bad but put it in drive and went.  My daughter was worried by this time so I told her I felt very sick and that I felt like I was gonna puke any minute.  There was no where to pull over.  There was a lot of traffic and I was in a middle lane.  Thank God that there was a left turn possible at the next light.  We stopped at the light and I put it in park again and waited.  You have no idea how badly I just wanted to get out of that car!  I pictured myself getting out of the car and walking across the traffic and sitting down on the curb.  I just wanted out!  When the light turned green, I went and pulled into the first parking lot we came to on that road.  I got out and just kind of walked back and forth pacing.  Taking deep breaths and being thrilled to be out of the car!

She was worried about being late for her ortho appt.  Last time we were late the lady was not nice at all and upset kid2 so much she cried when we left.  So she wanted me to hurry up and get back in!  Wow I wished she was old enough to drive!  I talked myself into trying again.  It wasnt very far away and only 1 more light to go through.  So we went.  The light to pull back out on the highway took forever though and I was a sweaty mess again by the time it turned green.  I sped there as quickly as possible – like a mom on a mission.  SO relieved to reach the parking lot!

Her appt was  just a quick adjustment.  Basically each time we just sign in, they call her back, I sit there and wait, she’s done in 10-15 minutes and we leave.  I told her to go in herself.  She was nervous about it and got a little mad at me.   I laid my seat back in the car and told her I’d be right there waiting.  She is 14.  She could handle this with no problems and I was parked right by the door.  So she did.  As soon as she was out of sight I kinda freaked out a little again.  I was still having trouble catching my breath.  I tried turning music on the radio to help me relax.  Didn’t help.  I got out my ipod and played some games, thinking I could distract myself enough to forget about it a little.

When she came back I still didn’t feel confident enough to start the drive home so I gave her some cash and sent her into TJ Maxx – her favorite store ever.  She took a really long time in there and I was glad.  I went in after a while.  I wanted to walk around, build some confidence, feel normal again.  We paid for her stuff and I had  a hard time in line and went outside while she was still checking out.  I felt like I just needed air.

The ride home was terrible.  I just wanted to be home.  She was afraid I was gonna have to pull over and puke at any minute.  I was afraid I would pass out at any minute and kill us all.  There are not always places you can quickly pull over if you need to!  I felt like a race car driver.  When I was on a stretch of road without places to pull over, I was so focused and going as fast as the cars in front of me would allow.  I was determined to get through those places before more black spots came.  It wasn’t good.  At all.  On the more country roads where I could stop if needed, I relaxed a little and that helped get me through the other parts.  It was about 1/2 an hour drive home and we both were very relieved to make it home.

We went into the house and she announced that they should watch out cuz mom is sick and heading for the bathroom.  lol  I did and put cold water on my face and tried to not be a nut case.  I went to where hubby was sitting on the couch.  I wanted a hug so badly!  I sat close and he said something about me being sick and he didn’t want to get sick.  Ha. Cant blame him I guess.  He didn’t know what had really happened.  (I did finally tell him later – just a few days ago actually – and this happened at the beginning of December)

So then I went to bed and stayed there.  I felt like a rag doll, completely limp, worn out.  Everyone left me alone cuz they thought I had “germs” and it was bliss.

Panic Attacks: It Never Ends

First ever panic attack:    Grocery Store.
I fought back against the panic monster.  Conquered.

Second major panic attack:  Football Game Bleachers.
Again, I fought back.  Mostly conquered.

Most recent panic attack:  Driving
Now I’m fighting back against this one.  I’m getting there.

I. AM. TIRED.

It never ends.   As soon as I get one under control, I have another panic attack –  In a completely new type of situation.  Why?  What are we doing Lord?  Just mixing it up?  Keeping it fresh?  I don’t wanna play this game anymore!

My first ever panic attack was in line at the little grocery store in our little town.  I didn’t know what it was at the time but thanks to the internet I figured it out pretty quickly.  I freaked out a lot first and then came up with a plan to regain control of my life.  It’s called exposure therapy and it works. I went back to that store every day that my son had pre-school and made myself deal with it.  Sometimes I wouldn’t even make it into the store.  Some days I just cried in my car.  Other days I went in and just came back right out.  Some days I went it, got a peanut butter cup, stood in the blasted line and made it out alive.  The candy bar was my reward. :)  Eventually I was even able to go to Walmart and stand in those LONG lines.  I got better at it and stores aren’t really a problem for me anymore.  Most of the time.

Then I had a huge panic attack in the bleachers at a football game.  That one was much worse than the first.  It was harder to fight back against but I did it.  I had to.  My kids play sports so I needed to deal with it so I could be there to support them without looking like the lunatic that refused to sit in the bleachers.  (At the football games that works, but not so much at basketball & volleyball games.)  This one took a long time.  I can do most bleachers OK now.  But going to away games and new places with new bleachers always freaks me out at first.  And there are some concerts and college basketball games that I haven’t yet gone to because of the bleachers (and the crowds too I guess.)  But, I’m getting there and this one is kinda under control now too.

And Now… My big driving panic attack.  Actually this isn’t the first one I had while driving.  The one on the way home from the beach was pretty terrible.  It was a high traffic area, lots of stress, too much caffeine from my pepsi max….and on a road that I hope to never be on again.  That isn’t a situation I will have to face again anytime soon so I can let it go and move on.  But this last one was different.  It hit me harder I think because it’s something I have to deal with on an on-going basis.  It’s part of my daily life now.  We were just headed to the orthodontist.  And guess what?  We’re going back there tomorrow.  yippee.  My daughter was in the car with me and I scared her.  She thinks I was sick.  I told her I thought I was going to throw up and that’s why I pulled over.  She doesn’t even know I was having a panic attack and she was still scared!  And guess what?  Now she is a trigger for me!

I’ve been doing better fighting back against this one finally.  It was pretty rough at first.  But I have to do it.  I’m a mom, which means I’m a chauffeur.  I’m getting pretty OK with my other kids in the car, but if I know I’ll be driving Kid2 somewhere I take an ativan about an hour before hand.  Crazy that my daughter is my trigger!  That’s sad!  Of course I’ll never tell her that.  Never.

I can see how the panic monster could quickly take over a persons life – to the extent that it is debilitating.  If it weren’t for my kids and having to do this for them, I’d probably just crawl under my covers and stay there.

Venting: Driving Anxiety

From my draft folder, wrote this a few weeks ago. . .

My New Years Resolution:  Do more things with hubby.  Go more places.  Say yes.

Hubby is spontaneous.  He likes to just get up and go when he thinks of something he’d like to do.  I’m a planner.  And I’m a crazy person that gets panic attacks sometimes in crowded places.  Or sometimes even driving.

The Problem?
What if he wants me to drive?  He works 3rd.  So if he has worked and is staying up instead of sleeping to go somewhere, I should drive.  He’s had more than one close call where he almost wrecked cuz he was so stinking tired and trying to drive.  Usually this in on the way home from work.  (Did I ever tell you how much I hate 3rd shift???)

What if he wants to go to a restaurant?  Especially one I’ve never been to before.  What if my ativan doesn’t have time to kick on first??

What if he invites his parents too – and then I have to sit in the back of the car so his dad can sit up front with him.  What if I get car sick cuz I’m sitting in the back of the car?

I want to tell him all these concerns.  I want to tell him I want to go more places with him but its hard for me to just get up & go.

I want to ask him to please just don’t ask me to drive anywhere for a while.  Just don’t expect me to.  I want to tell him that if I’m feeling confident that day I’ll let him know I want to drive – otherwise just leave me alone and let me enjoy the passenger seat.

I don’t want him to feel like I’m a fragile mental patient that he has to take care of though.  That would be a burden to him.  That’s why I havent told him about my big driving panic attack.  But I want to hang out with him more.  Right now if he asks me if I want to go somewhere,  I usually just say no cuz he might want me to drive and that immediately makes me nervous.  This issue has gotten bigger since my last big panic attack.  I am fighting back, but I still feel like a freak anytime I drive somewhere.

Its worse if there is anyone in the car because then I have to appear normal even if I’m freaking out inside.  If I’m by myself, I can freak out out loud and get it out of my system!  My kids think I have been suffering horrible from hot flashes lately because every time we go somewhere I have the window down – and its winter here.  It was snowing in my window the other day and I still left it down.  I just want that cold air blowing on my face!

Side note: I even felt stressed watching a video the other day that Kid3 was showing me.  He was sitting on my lap so I couldn’t easily get up or move around.  I felt trapped.  It was just a music video.  I cant even remember what it was about now.  Oh baseball.  What was it about that video? I don’t know – it triggered an emotion in me and I immediately got uncomfortable and found myself holding my breath (which is just stupid) and then that of course caused the anxiety wash over me…..

I’ve gone back a few steps lately (a lot of steps actually!) with this anxiety crap.  I just want left alone to do my own thing until the vivid memory of my driving panic attack fades.  It really shook me up and I hate it.

We planned the beach for next year.  Hubby already decided he wasn’t going.  Whatever.  But the hard part about that is that I have to drive there!  Know what?  I’ll get in the car and get pissed off and I’ll get myself there even if it is hard.  BUT.  Its not just me.  I’ll be driving my kids there and that means I have to put on my happy  face and try not to let them see me freaking out.  No one wants a nut case at the wheel for 8 hours!  That will scare them and I don’t want that to happen!  Aagh!

And tonight I have to take Kid3 to his basketball game, its a late game and hubby cant go.  So its up to me.  That SHOULD be no problem.  I’ve gone to many of these games!  Hubby has driven though I think to everyone at the Y this year.  Remember how I used to freak about sitting in those bleachers?  Yea, well now the bleachers arent a problem, now I’m freaking about having to drive there!

I can do it.  I know I can do it.

Yesterday I drove kid1 to her volleyball game.  I’ve been driving kids to practices, the store, friends houses, etc.
Yea, I’ve still been doing it but it really SUCKS.

Agh!

Ice Sculptures

New Years Eve Day I wanted to go to a festival where the main event was ice carving.  It’s about 45  minutes away.  I’ve seen it advertised in the past and always thought it would be neat.  In my quest to get out & do more things even if hubby doesn’t want to, I was determined to go.

I was very surprised when my kids didn’t want to go either.  I think they were just worn out by all the holiday gatherings and they had been hanging out with friends and staying up way too late too.   They didn’t want to go.  BFF  has the flu and wouldn’t have been able to go even if she was well, she would have had to work.  One of my sisters  had the flu and the other was out of town…. sigh.  What to do?  I decided I’d go myself.  The event was in my college town.  I know my way around.  It’s been a while but it would be an adventure and I would be proud of myself.   Actually then my sister that was out of town texted me to say she was driving home that day and would gladly meet me there on her way back.

I woke up late Tuesday morning though and had the house to myself!  LOL  That’s better than ice sculptures!  Truly!  The kids have been off school for 2 weeks and hubby has been off almost 1 week.   Anyway, I got my coffee and sat in the quiet living room with the Christmas tree glowing and felt happy as can be.

To be truthful, I was worried about driving there anyway, just because of my last big panic attack.   That helped make relaxing by the tree even more appealing.

So once again, I didn’t follow through with my “get out there and do it!” plans.  Yes, I’m a little disappointed in myself for that.  But I am also very aware that I am a work in progress and i AM heading in the right direction!  Before I would not have even made those plans.  I may have seen the event, wished I could go but then I would have prayed hard that no one dare mention it and actually want to go!  So yea, this is still progress.  :)

I put it on my google calendar for next year.  I set it up as a daily reminder for 2 weeks before the event.  That way, there will be no avoiding it!  It will be right there in my face.  And then of course we saw news coverage of the event and my kids were all like “Wow!  We should have gone Mom!”   Yep.  We should have.  Next year.

Wow!  Check out these pics of an ice festival in China.  Very cool.  
Source: nbc news - ice festival

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.