These people are not cooperating.

If I was a person that said the F word, I would be saying “F these people!” right now.

Of course I get myself all geared up and want to go conquer my panic attacks and I can’t get anyone to cooperate!

No, they have no idea that is the real agenda.  They just don’t want to go to a college volleyball game.  We all like watching volleyball, Kid1 even plays on the high school team!  Whats the problem people?!

My kids were like nah…..  I was going to just tell them they were going and that was that except the high school powder puff game is Friday night too and they want to go watch their friends play that and blah blah blah.

I asked hubby if he wanted to go and he said “not really..  ”  It was a guilty -looking no,  like he felt like he should say yes but didn’t really want to.

I asked my sisters.  One said no cuz her daughter is participating in her first ever craft show Saturday morning and she thinks they will be scrambling Friday night to get everything together.  My other sister is going away for the weekend with a church group.

Boo hiss!

I asked my BFF.  She didn’t answer yet but I know she won’t want to go.  Her hubby works away all week and weekends are their family time.

How about I go by myself?  I could do that!  Right now I really think I might!

When it comes down to it though…. we’ll see.  It easier to stay home.  lol

They don’t have to want to go of course but it makes me mad.  I like geocaching.  Last weekend my girls went with me just cuz I dint give them a choice.  I should have known better.  Blasted teenagers just complained the whole time and we came back before we even got to the location.  Argh.  Hubby wont do that with me.  He says it’s stupid.  I don’t care if he thinks its stupid.  He should do it just cuz I like it!  I go sleep out and freeze my butt off and gawk at tractors for entire weekends!  You’d think he could hike in the woods with me for an hour!  Argh.

More and more I’ve been noticing that I don’t do the things I want to do cuz no one else wants to do them.  I guess I need some new friends.

Makes me mad cuz I do stuff I’m not thrilled to do all the time!  I do it for them!  It would be nice if they returned the favor.

So yea… F these people.

Truly, I might be able to talk hubby into going – cuz he wasn’t dead set against it, he just would rather not.  LOL

We’ll see.  I can actually picture me going by myself though.  I could do that!

I need go sit in that crowded gym in those huge bleachers and win.  I need to do that for me.  It’s time to up the ante.

I would be so freakin proud of myself if I went by myself.  Oh my!  And can you imagine hubby?  He would be quite perplexed.  Ha!  Love the idea!  Now I kinda hope he refuses to go so I can do that!  Just to shock him!  It’s about an hour away and it’s something people don’t normally go to themselves.   But what the hell.  How many volleyball games have I sat through all by myself in town here?  Hubby always left after the JV game as soon as kid1 was done playing.  I sat there often by myself for the next 1 1/2 hours while varsity played.  I could be like what? I wanted to go… you people all suck…. so I went myself!

Oh my.  I’m telling you I barely slept at all last night.  I have no idea why but it was like I had a jolt of caffeine right before I laid down or something.  I felt like i was awake all night.  And reading back over this post….. ha.  I sound nuts.  I think I need to go to bed.

G’night all!


My mom came to all my games?

I made it through the volleyball game with my mother.  She was nice and I’m glad she came. I could tell hubby felt a little weird about it too but he did ok talking to her.  She and stepdad want to come to the next home game too.  We’ll see if she follows through with that.

I have vented on here before about how she never came to my games etc when I was a teenager.  I said to her last night that I don’t remember her coming to many of my games.  She said “what?!?  I think I came to all of them!  We sat right over there.”  She said she brought my little bro & sis and my dad popped in maybe for maybe one game a year.

Hmmm.  Ok, so do I really just remember it wrong?  I will have to ask my older sister today who played also.  I remember that we would go to the pay phone in the lobby and call home and click the receiver so we didn’t have to pay and she would know that we were ready to be picked up.  I remember waiting in the gym lobby after many games – waiting for our ride.

It was sad actually to realize all the things my mom doesn’t know about my world.  She asked if Kid1 had been in the agricultural parade with the band, they didn’t see her.  I said yes she was there.  I said Kid2 was there too.  They asked what did she do in the parade?  I said she is in band too.  Oh.  awkward silence.  What does she play?  The sax.

Also, Kid1 started at the vocational school this year, so she splits her days between there and the high school.  For this program she is also dual enrolled in a local community college so that she can earn college credits for her courses at the vocational school.  This was a big decision and a we talked about it a lot while she was trying to decide.  My mom had no idea that she was doing this.  That is crazy sad.  She is so removed from our lives.  :(

As far as the bleachers go, well I was double dosed on ativan – so I was fine.  Ugh.

Mom vs Bleachers


How messed up is this?

I’m more nervous about my mom coming to Kid1’s volleyball game tonight than I am about having a panic attack in those blasted bleachers.

Sad, really.

I know there is no real “normal” but I still want to be normal.

You will never know how BADLY I want to just be normal.

My nerves are shot.  I don’t know how to stop this anxiety.  I don’t want to have to be medicated the rest of m life just so I can be normal.


Yesterday I had a meeting (yuk) at Panera (Yum!) with a new client.

Yesterday I got a haircut.

Tonight is Kid’2 first basketball game in the big gym.

Tonight is Kid1’s first volleyball game in the big gym, right after Kid2’s game.

On the upside, I’m going to get a LOT of exposure therapy in that gym tonight.

Down side, I feel insane and of course family members will be there to support my girls (yay) and watch me crumble (boo).

Today isnt fun and I hate it.

It ticks me off.

Dear God,   Thank you for ativan today.

Small Bleachers are OK

Kid2 started playing in the basketball league at the Y.  Last week she and I went alone.  I sat in the bleachers and didn’t have a panic attack.  Hallelujah.  These are the very short bleachers, like 3 seats high I think.  Doing good on the small bleachers!

We all went tonight and sat there again and it was just fine.  Still taking ativan before I go here, but I didn’t have any of the usual freak out symptoms.  Praise GOD!

Related Posts:

Cautious Celebration

The thing that prompted (and I forgot to even mention!) that whole last post was ….

Yesterday Kid3 brought home more info about the musical.  It gives the order of events etc and says that “grades 4, 5 & 6 chorus members will close the musical …” blah blah blah….

Hmm.  I asked Kid3 if he was in chorus?  He said no.  Oh, so you’re not in it?  No.


We don’t have to go!!!!!  Big grin.  Big big grin.  I told hubby it was sad how very happy it made me to read that.


I would still like to go to the art show/open house at the school afterwards, I love seeing all the art work!  Before kid3 thought his class was playing their recorders in the musical so I guess I should be cautious with my celebration.  It may just be a mean trick.

The Panic Monster is Hiding Under The Bleachers

There was a special afternoon football game for area veterans on Saturday.  The high school band was playing at half time so my girls had to be there.  I was going to just drop the girls off and pick them up when they were done.  Hubby decided we should all go and stick around for the game.

Well he decided this about half an hour before we had to be there!   Yikes.  No time for ativan!  I was feeling pretty normal and I’ve been doing decent at the games.  I had no intention of sitting in the bleachers anyway so ativan wasn’t really necessary right?  Right.

Well.  There was not a very big turn out for this game.  At all.  So it was just silly of us to stand next to the bleachers instead of sitting in them.  There was tons of room.  So after the TV cameras left – which hubby was trying to avoid – we decided to sit in the bleachers.

He asked me if I wanted to.  (So very sweet for him to ask first! )  I said ok and told him exactly where I wanted to sit.  He said “We will follow you.”

So we sat in the bleachers.  It was a little weird but OK.  I kept looking around – trying to imagine it being crowded.  Imagining if I was sitting over there and the bleachers were full and it was a Friday night football game, and the announcer was loud, and… you get the idea.  I played this game with myself trying to imagine all sorts of scenarios.  I just couldn’t imagine me sitting in the middle of one of the crowded benches, so I focused on a scenario where I was at the end or maybe 1 seat in from the end.  Ha.  I think it was good practice.  Or therapy.  Or whatever you want to call it.

These afternoon games, when the sun is shining and it isn’t very crowded, are so much easier for me!

I sat in the BLEACHERs at a football game!

So I took another step this weekend – toward beating the panic monster that hides under the bleachers, waiting to get me.

Wonder why this is such a big deal?
Here is the story of my panic attack in the bleachers.

I googled ‘creepy bleachers’ and look what I found.  :)

Colorful Bleachers

Colorful Bleachers by Andy S. Foster
Abandoned amusement park. Chippewa Lake Park

Volleyball games: Progress

Tonight is the last home volleyball game.  Woo hoo!  I’m breathing a HUGE sigh of relief!

I can almost say I did it.  I did it!  It has been hard.  I still don’t love those bleachers but I’m getting used to them.  Yay.

Last week was ‘Pink Night’ for breast cancer awareness.  I even sat at a little table in a stuffy corner of the lobby and sold t-shirts and collected donations.  That actually wasn’t too terrible.  My BFF and I volunteered together and we laughed a lot which certainly takes my mind off of my anxiety.

Tonight is senior night and while that has absolutely nothing to do with me or my kid, it is something different that is happening there in my beloved gym.  I am finally able to stand through the national anthem , which has been really really hard for me  – ever since this happened (for anyone who might wonder what my problem is!) Now there will be more announcements and little speeches etc and that will make me uncomfortable.  I know it makes no sense.  Don’t ever expect panic attacks to make sense.  They just don’t.

There is one more volleyball event after this actually.  At some point they will have the fall sports assembly.  That is held in the auditorium where we have the Christmas musicals etc.  It’s got me a little nervous even though I have no idea when it even is.  I just know it’s coming and it will be another day that I fret about – even though I will try hard not to!

When I was in school…. ha.  Doesn’t everyone love stories that start out like that? When I was in school, we had sports banquets.  Praise the Lord they don’t do that anymore!  That would be serious torture  – the panic monster would LOVE that!

The point of this post is that I don’t feel like I have actually conquered these volleyball games and the gym, but I have certainly made progress. So this doesn’t get to go on my ‘Conquered List‘ just yet.  That’s OK.  It’s really OK. Hopefully Kid1 will play again next year and I’ll get to work on it some more!

When I have some time I want to sift through my old posts and make an actual Conquered List!  That would be an awesome reminder that I can beat these stupid panic attacks and get my life back!

A Successful Day

(9/11/12 – Typed in the bleachers while I was bored to death waiting for a volleyball game to be over!  Kid1 plays JV, but she still has to stay for the varsity game.   So I stayed too.  Got a bit bored and started typing on my ipod :)


I’m Sitting in the bleachers at the volleyball game myself now right now.

Kids 2&3 and I got here about half an hour late. We went to the dentist first. My old dentist retired and sold his practice. The new guy is great tho!  Really good with my kids. Feel so much better about it now. Hate going to the dentist and being trapped in that chair anyway. I was nervous about mtg the new dentist.  Now its done. And he nice. Whew. Don’t need MORE reasons to have a panic attack.

They are getting ready to announce the varsity players now and will play the national anthem soon too. Ugh. Doing ok but shaky.

Hubby came by himself and then we met him here. He was sitting with my bff and her mom. Right in the freakn middle of the bleachers. Bff was videotaping the game so she was sitting at center court and he joined them.

After the jv game, bff left to go to her grams bday party. Hubby took kid3 home to do his homework and now kid2 and I r still here watching varsity game.  Of course kid2 is sitting with her friends. I could sit with other parents.  I’m friends with a few. But i prefer the cool air coming in my doors to my friends. Lol  Nice huh?

Oh!  Kid1 got to play in the JV game.  Woo hoo! . Once before i got here. And the she got in again – poor girl was so so so nervous but  was grinning from ear to ear.

So today i took kids to dentist and sat right in the middle of these bleachers. (Ativan included.)  And i didn’t freak out. That’s a pretty good day :)

Bleachers Anxiety: Too Much Ativan

We went.  We sweat.  We had fun.

I was SO tired when I drove Kid1 to the gym.  I took too much ativan.  :(

Monday evening I was stressing about this, so I zoned out watching re-runs of “Friends” on TV.  I stayed up too late even though I know better.  Then  I took an ativan so I could finally chill and get some sleep.  Then I took 1/2 an ativan this morning – around 10 I think.   Then I took the other half when I got out of the shower around 12:30.  Then I took a whole ativan at 3:30 to prepare for the evening.   That is a lot.  That is really sucky.

I wanted to be numb to it.  And I certainly was.  I couldn’t stop yawning at the game.  I’ll bet I could have fallen asleep right there in the bleachers if I let myself.

But it worked.  The bleachers weren’t a problem at all.  They even played the national anthem before the game.  As soon as I realized that was about to happen, I had flashbacks of my panic attack at the football game.  My stomach did a flip and I probably turned a weird shade of green.  I stood though and my knees did not give out.

We sat near the side doors of the gym at  Hubby’s request because it was so stinking hot in there.  Go hubby :)  It’d be nice to think that he remembered that I need to sit there, where it is cooler and has at least a little bit of a breeze coming in from outside.  (And where I could easily leave the gym if I wanted to.) I think he was just hot though.

My BFF, her mom, and her son sat with us.  We gabbed, we cheered, it was fun.

So I did it.  I knew it wouldn’t be as bad as I was expecting.  It never is.

And now we get to do it all over again tomorrow night.  Yippee.  I’ll dial back the ativan though.

Oh, and both JV & Varsity won their games.  They’re off to a great start!  Kid1 didn’t play, but didn’t mind either.

I am still so stinkin tired – I feel like I can’t see straight!  I’ll wait to publish this until tomorrow when my head is clearer.  Good night all!

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.