Hubby Has Been Awesome

Hubby is being awesomely supportive and I love him more than ever.  Yesterday he wasn’t home and I was on the phone with a client.  I was getting very dizzy but I needed to work since I missed so mush time this week being sick.  I sat down on my office floor and then was hunkered with my head on the floor, trying to stop the dizziness, all the while carrying on a (hopefully!) intelligent conversation with the client who had no idea.

I heard hubby come in but he doesn’t usually come see me right away.  Well he did yesterday and saw me on the floor and looked so concerned.  Ha.  I made like a swirling motion like I was just dizzy and he laughed.  He just sat there and rubbed my back while I talked to my client.  How sweet is that?  :)

He has been stepping up and driving kiddos more places – just volunteering and not making a big deal of it.  He knows I don’t want them to know I’ve been having panic attacks while driving.

They do know I’ve been feeling dizzy and have different medicine and that is why.  And obviously they know I’ve been sick.  A long time ago I told them my medicine (Wellbutrin at the time) was for my heat flashes.  I’ve told them how horrible this new medicine is making me feel and that it makes me dizzy and I don’t feel comfortable driving anywhere right now.  So they think this is all because of hot flashes/hormones etc.

Anyway, hubby has been awesome.  And concerned.  And sweet.  And helpful.  I have been surprised by his concern but I am thrilled of course that this has been his reaction.  I was worried I’d have to fight this alone.  Instead, he has been by my side and it has been awesome.

My Marriage is Good & Other Random Updates

Hi.  It’s been a while.  Just the usual busyness of life.  Funny how the blog posts still play in my head though.  I have all sorts of thing to say when I’m in the middle of other things and no time to type.  Then I come here and don’t remember what I wanted to say… lol

I set the time for an hour and gave myself permission to update my blog instead of working or cleaning :)

Let’s see… Marriage – Really good.  Amazing.  So awesome that I can say my marriage is good!  Yay!  I believe he has turned a corner and is truly coming out of the fog of anger and misery that he has been living in the past few years.  He laughs a lot now.  And smiles.

THANK YOU LORD!

I’m still getting used to it.  I’m still trying to let my guard down and trust him again.  I am constantly waiting for a negative reaction from him.  I still expect him to blow up over all sorts of stupid things.  He keeps proving me wrong and amazing me.  I think the kids are feeling the same , someone says or does something that used to fire him up in a ridiculous, completely unnecessary way – and we all kind of just wait and maybe look at each other with an “Oh no” type of look… and then he handles it like a normal person.  And then we all breathe a silent sigh of relief and life goes on.

I feel like I can say whatever I want to now.  Well not ANYTHING – I still try to be tactful and I am working my way up to some things…. one step at a time right!?

I point things out to him all the time though.  I’m not trying to nag him – I just want him to see things in a different way.  I want him to see how the rest of us look at the things that he gets ticked off about.  This past weekend – several times he yelled “You people!”  like he was disgusted about something we’d all done.   One was about the dishwasher, the other was about a clogged toilet.   So on Sunday morning while we were drinking coffee and gabbing, I said “Think you can get through the day without yelling “You people!” at us?”  I said it with a smile and in a relaxed way so he wouldn’t feel attacked and we wouldn’t have to get in a fight about it.  He said he just says that cuz he doesn’t know who did it and he’s talking to all of us.  I said yelling you people and storming away doesn’t do anything except make us wonder what hes ticked off  about now. He said he wasn’t ticked off. He just wanted people to know … blah blah blah.  I think the rest of the story is irrelevant.  The point is that we talk about this stuff now.  We talk TO each other now.  I call him on his crappy behavior.  And don’t worry he calls me on mine – he always has.  lol  But now he does it in a nicer way.

We have been watching American idol together as a family the way we used to.  Sounds corny I guess but there are so few things on TV that we all want to watch.   Not all of the kids are always there but whoever is home comes to the living room and we hangout and watch and laugh and talk at commercials :)  At first he made a comment about not liking Harry.  I said why?? cuz he’s a hottie??  He just looked at me and frowned.   Well he’s changed his mind and thinks he’s hilarious now.  But compare this to when the guy at the grocery store told me I have beautiful eyes and hubby sulked and was a jerk for days…. I called another guy a hottie TO HIS FACE and all he did was frown!

Don’t want this to get real long and hard to read.  I have a bunch of draft posts that I started and plan to look through here now and post or trash them.  Things are going to be all out of order.  And probably contradictory too.    Yes, my marriage is pretty good.  Better than its been in a lot of years.  That being said, he still pisses me off.  ha  Some days he still does some really jerky things.  I’m not saying its all fixed.  I’m saying it is SSSOOOOO much better.

I apologize in advance for the randomness of my updates, if I stress about doing this “right” I wont do it and then I’ll get further behind.  This blog is my place to vent, not a place that should stress me out about not doing it right, all in order etc.  Just saying. Ok.  Bye!

What I Want

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I want you to WANT to be happy.

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I am Grateful for my Husband

I am Grateful for my Husband.

And I am so happy to be able to type that sentence and mean it with all my heart.

A few examples of his recent awesomeness:

– Kid2 has been really challenging lately.  She needs to constantly be doing something with one of her friends or her whole world falls apart.  If she had her way, she would never be home.  Or at least not be here without a friend here too.  We live in the country, so her friends who live close to each other in town get together more often, she feels left out, the drama follows.  Hubby calls it her “needy friends phase”.  Dear God I hope it’s a phase that ends quickly.  It’s exhausting.  SO, instead of answering her, I started telling her to ask her dad.  I knew he wouldn’t say yes nearly as often as I was and I figured it was his turn to deal with it.  I needed a break from it!   LOL   That was probably the best thing for the situation.  He does say no a lot.  He says yes sometimes.  He gets to see how it has been for me dealing with this by myself for so long.   He used to say “Ask your mom.”  Now he is on the other end of that and it has been a wake up call for him.

It gave him a whole new perspective – Which I think led him to deal with Kid1 in a way he has never stepped up and done before….

– Kid1 is getting quite bold lately in telling me no.  She just gets mean and defiant and says NO.  And to her that is the end of it.  I have been trying to deal with this consistently and in different ways but she has been winning unfortunately.  And she knows it.  She told me NO yesterday.  Hubby came home shortly afterwards and asked why she wasn’t doing what I asked her to do.  I told him why.  HE MADE HER DO IT. She threw her fit, she cried and moaned.  She yelled that her life was horrible, she yelled all sorts of things but he didn’t back down.  She knew she wasn’t going to win and she finally gave in and went to get ready.  (What we wanted her to do btw is to help hubby’s sister prep food for the concession stand.  Sis-in-law needed help, Kid1 gets paid to do this, she’s helped before so she knows what she is doing, and it would take about 2 hours and she needs to get off the couch! so we wanted her to go.)

I was so proud of hubby.  He was demanding without being angry.  He (mostly) kept his cool which is pretty darn hard when your teenager is hurling insults at you.

– Kid2 was very sassy and rude to me when I picked her up from track Saturday morning.  Just horrible.  We got home and she came in the house with an attitude.  Hubby asked what was going on, I told him, he took her electronics and she still didn’t get them back.

– There are more examples that I’d love to tell you all about but it is already later than I want it to be!   You’ll have to stop over for a cup of coffee and we can gab :)

He has my back now.  I don’t feel like it’s all on me.  We are sharing this responsibility.  It is so awesome.

(And he has been taking the $$ issues seriously finally too and even talked to the kids about how we’ve been spending too much and blah blah blah when the kids had a fit when I packed sandwiches for the ballgames instead of buying supper at the concession stand.  Before Hubby always wanted to just buy it there and would do that even if I had packed food.  Of course it’s yummy, but it’s not cheap!)

I feel so…. cared for.

That’s all I ever wanted.

Dear God,  Please make this last.  Amen.

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Oh... and I got to have sex last night.  HA HA That could be 
another reason I'm feeling so grateful for this man. ;)

One More Good Thing: Parenting Together

One more thing – Kid1 was really being rude and mouthing off the other day.

HE STUCK UP FOR ME.

He told her she would NOT talk to her mother that way.  Are you kidding me?  And he keeps doing that!  It’s awesome.  He would never do that before.  Before he had this awesome parenting idea where he said “You do it your way, I’ll do it mine.”  Yea, that works.  Not.  Now though – I feel like we are actually in it together!  He actually steps up to the plate and dishes out some discipline.  When they aren’t listening, he makes them turn off the TV and get busy doing homework or whatever they were told. (Before he would just sit and watch it with them! No joke.) .

Kid2 wasn’t allowed to go to a movie night at her friends cuz she had attitude and didn’t help at all that day – we were all outside mowing and weeding strawberries etc.  She was told to help several times.  But even when she did finally come outside, she just complained and moved at turtle speed.  That was his decision completely, I never even brought it up!

He is actually parenting his kids in a way that makes sense.  Before he would not ever back me up.  He was the oh so fun dad that never made them do anything – until he got ticked that they never did anything and blew his top.  This is so much better!

OK.  I promise I’m done now.  I have to get to work.  I will ignore the half written posts that are me complaining about him and just focus on the positive today :)

Another Good Thing: He’s Interested.

He will actually ask me where I was when I come home from somewhere (if he didn’t already know).  What?  That means he is admitting that he has an interest in me. He would NEVER ask before.  He would just have a big attitude and I’d get the silent treatment.

More Good Stuff: The Van

On Saturday we cleaned the van.  I had the floor mats spread out in the grass and was using the Shopvac to vacuum them.  I turned the shopvac around to get tho hose on the right side for the next rug.  He laughed and said – what?  But then he stopped himself.  I asked what?  He said look at the cord.  When I spun it around to get the hose on the right side, the cord got wrapped around the vac funny.  That kind of stuff bothers him immensely.  But he laughed it off.  I LOVE it that he is seeing that I simply do not notice all these tiny things that freak him out.  I don’t do them to piss him off.  I don’t do them because I’m stupid.  I just don’t notice all the little things like that because I’m focused on something else I guess.  Or it doesn’t even seem like an issue to me at all anyway.  Of course I can see the cord, it doesn’t bother me.  So what if the cord is wrapped around it now, it will easily unwrap when I’m done!

We cleaned the van together and didn’t even fight about it!

His car died.  He has been driving the van to work at night.  This works because he works 3rd shift, so we are able to both still have a car when we need it. Let’s see… past behavior – he would rant and rave EVERY time he got into the van and he had to move the seat back.  Of course he had to move the seat back, the van is mainly my vehicle, I drive it the most, of course the seat will be set the way I like it.  Never mind that it made no sense, he would still get pissed off about it.  He would also complain that I twist the seat belt.  Huh?  Seriously, this was a huge annoyance for him.  I don’t even know what he’s talking about.  I buckle it, I unbuckle it.  I don’t do anything else with it!

Also before he would refuse to drive the van just because it was my car and he … well who knows why.  He would be going somewhere that would clearly work better if he had the van but he would still drive his car that didn’t have as much room.  It was like he refused to drive the van to spite me?  That doesn’t even make sense.  He didn’t want to be associated with me in any way, including the van?  See, it makes no sense.  Who knows why but he was determined not to need me or my van.  And he was rude and arrogant about it.

Before, he always drove if we went somewhere together.  That was fine by me cuz he made me nervous anyway.  I hated driving with him in the car cuz he has opinions about everything and does not keep them to himself.  Well, I have been driving.  He just says “You wanna drive?  I don’t feel like it.”  Normal conversation.  And he has been keeping his opinions to himself while I’m driving too!  I’m a good driver, I always have been.  He was just such an overbearing, opinionated ass – I didn’t want to hear his comments.

Good Stuff: Fun at the Ballgames

Ballgames have begun.  I don’t think I’ve laughed this much in a long long time.  We are really having a good time together watching Kid3 play.   I remember sitting there last year – hating him, irritated by him “sense of humor”, by his yelling at the game.  I was embarrassed to be sitting there with him.  This weekend was different.  I still think he yells too much at the games – that seems to just be a guy thing though cuz he certainly isn’t alone in that.

I enjoy going to the baseball games with my husband.  Imagine that.

AND when we drive separately cuz he’ll have to leave before it’s over to get ready for work, he kisses me goodbye.  Last summer he would just leave.  He wouldn’t even say goodbye sometimes, much less kiss me.

All Fancied Up

Kids 1 & 2 went to the spring formal last weekend.  They looked gorgeous of course.  Kid2 wore her purple converse sneakers with her fancy dress.  Oh yes she did.  I love her individuality!

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Last year for the spring formal, Kid1 went and we took lots of pictures of her all dressed up and gorgeous.  You know how everyone takes pictures right?  And then we go to the grandparents house and they take pictures etc.  Getting all fancied up is a big deal!  Well.  Last year hubby was a complete ass.  He didn’t even seem interested in any of it.  When we were out on the porch taking pictures I called him over.  I wanted him to tell her she was beautiful.  I wanted him to smile at her.  He didn’t.  He was irritated because I interrupted whatever he was doing.  But he sat down on the porch.  Then I asked him to take a picture of me with Kid1.  Then I asked him to get in a picture with her.  First he said no.  Then I asked again and he reluctantly did and DID NOT SMILE at all.  He was pissed at me and is glaring at me in the picture.  Awesome.  I swear it looks like a mug shot.  I was so sad for Kid1.  And I was furious with him!  You don’t do that to your daughter.  Ugh.

And then in the fall both girls went to the homecoming dance.  This is another fancy dance.  This was Kid2’s first fancy dance.  Hubby was not even home for that.  He could have been.  In fact he left while they were getting ready.  He just left.  He didn’t even say goodbye to them.  He wasn’t going anywhere spectacular.  Probably the parts store.  It could have waited.  I don’t think it even crossed his mind that he should stick around so he could oooh and aaaahhh at his daughters.  So obviously there were no pictures of daddy & daughters for that dance.  I wish it was important to him.  He should have wanted to be there to see kid2 dressed up for her first fancy dance.  Honestly though I was relieved that he wasn’t there when they were all ready.  I didn’t want a repeat of the last dance.

We had a big blowup a while back.  I vented so much at him during that conversation  and one of the things I told him about was how horrible it is when he acts like that for pictures.  He does that all the time – not just that day.   I told him how selfish it was.  I said who cares if he doesn’t want his picture taken – it’s not for him.  It’s for his daughter!  His daughter will someday look back at these pictures and you want her to have good  memories of that day.  I want her to look at these pictures and remember how proud her daddy was of her and how much he loves her.  I told him all she will see is that daddy was pissed that he had to be bothered to take a picture with her.  She will remember that he was annoyed that he had to quit playing with his tractors to come see her all dressed up.  She will not feel loved by that at all!  Dances and fancy dresses are important to teenage girls.

This year was so much better!!  He came back into the house when it was almost time for them to be going.  He watched the time and came back in time to see them? Yep.  They weren’t quite ready, so he went outside and I heard him tell Kid3 that they weren’t going back to the barn yet cuz he wanted to wait for the girls.  Yep.  As soon we went outside, he came up to the porch.  I took a bunch of pictures of the girls.  Then he took some pictures of me with the girls.  Then I asked him to get in a pic and he did and he smiled.  And then Kid3 got in the picture too.  That is my favorite picture!  Beautiful girls, proud pappa with a smile on his face and little bro with a weird expression on his face like he is wondering why he has to be in this crazy pic with his fancy sisters.    I wanted to ask Kid3 to take a pic of hubby and me together with the girls but I didn’t.  It was going so well, I didn’t want to push it.

So much better.  Soooooo much better.

Attention to the Details

Him:  It’s funny.  I just have to laugh every morning when I get home to check the fire.  I can’t wait to see how you have the pliers jammed in there. 

Me:  What?

Him:  You don’t pay attention to details like that – it makes me laugh.  They’re always different.  Like you just jam them in there and walk away.  Maybe you’re still half asleep when you go out in the morning.

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He has really made some progress.  He is not nearly as mean and irritated at the world as he used to be.  He still has those days of course, but it’s not every day anymore.  And he was constantly annoyed at me before.  I mean about everything!  He didn’t like the way I cut lettuce, I didn’t do this right or that right or whatever.  Heck, I didn’t even close the refrigerator door correctly for a while there!

This man.  He thought it was a cute quirk about me that I “don’t pay attention to details like that”.

Did you get that??  This is great coming from him!

Before this would have been ammunition for him.  Now he laughed, smiled, and enjoyed that I close the furnace door weirdly.  And he said that to me even!  This man made nice conversation and told me something about me that made him smile.

I feel I should explain.  The latch on the door of our outside furnace broke and his temporary solution involves pliers.  To get it closed tightly, you have to really push on the handle to be able to jam the pliers in there.  And really, I do know I’m not putting them in there very well.  It’s really hard to get it shut the way he wants it and at 5:30 in the morning, I really don’t care.  I figure he’ll be there soon, so I don’t worry about it.

I didn’t tell him all that.  I just smiled and was happy to see him smiling back at me.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.