Busy Update :)

Hi.  Busy, busy.  Updated Needed.  Here we go.

Let’s see…

Volleyball game?  I didn’t go.  I regret it but I don’t.  The whole family decided to go to the powderpuff football game in town.  Turned out differently of course though.  Found out about an hour before time to leave that Kid1 skipped school that day!  So she was grounded and angry that she got busted.  Hubby decided he didn’t feel like going.  Of course.  Kid3 was happy to play with tractors with his dad.  I took Kid2 to the game, looked for my BFF, didn’t find her, left and picked Kid2 up when it was over.

I was mad that I changed my mind about the volleyball game with the idea that we would all actually go to the powderpuff game and then hubby backed out. It was his idea in the first place.  I was mad and hurt and felt single.  There are SO many things I do alone that a lot of couples do together and I had a little pity party.  And then I was mad at myself for not sticking to my original plan and just going to the volleyball game.

Later I was glad I didn’t go to the volleyball game though.  They had a segment on the news about it.  The vball team is undefeated,.  Apparently this game was the game that would determine if they got to go to championships.  It was a huge deal.  It sold out.  The band was there for a pre-game pep rally, etc etc.  Agh.  I would have freaked with all that going on.  Ha.  I just wanted to go try out a normal game and see if I could get through it without a panic attack.  So then I was glad I didn’t go.

What else?

Parent Teacher Conferences.   I went.  Hubby went with me.  2 strategically timed ativan in me = no panic attack this time.  Good. done.

Parent Visitation Day was yesterday.  Again, 2 strategically timed ativan helped me.  I went, enjoyed myself, felt normal.  I had been thinking about not going this year.  He’s growing up of course and he’s starting to do the thing where its not cool to hang out with your mom anymore.  That makes me sad but honestly I thought it might get me out of anymore parent visitation days!  That makes me sad too cuz he is my baby and is growing up too fast too…. but you get what I mean.  Tuesday night he was saying his prayers before bed and he thanked God that I got to come to school the next day with him.  OK then…. guess I’m going.  Ha!  It was sweet and I’m glad he wanted me there.  And I’m glad I went.  And it was seriously fine and fun and I’m thrilled to report that there was no panic attack in site.

The Play It’s tonight!  (Help!) Again, I will take the ativan and I will go and I will have fun.  That is the plan.

Lots of events this time of year.  This means I better call for an ativan refill.  Sigh.  I hate that I depend on it.  But I love that it works and helps me get out there in the world and do stuff and enjoy my time with my kids.

Yes, I’d love to figure out how to do all this stuff again without it.  But you know what?  Time goes so fast.  They are growing up so fast and I don’t want to be a basket case that misses their childhood – or that messes up their childhood!

Well this was a random type of post.  Ha!  I have to work like a manic at warp speed now.

Wish me luck tonight!  Have a good day everyone!

Parent Teacher Conference Again

I always post about parent- teacher conferences because they always send me into anxiety overload.  I used to stress about them, then the worst happened and I actually had a panic attack during one.  That was a big set back of course and now I wont even go unless I’ve taken ativan.

Ugh.  It’s always good when these things sneak up on me so I don’t have time to over-think it and freak myself out.   I knew it was either today or tomorrow.  I couldn’t find the paper.  I have been focused on the phone meeting I had this morning so that was also a good distraction.  I couldn’t find the paper because I am totally overwhelmed in my life and becoming more and more unorganized as the days go by.  I emailed the teacher to ask her the time.  It was at 4:30 today.  Ha.  There was about an hour and a half before the conference, I took an ativan and hoped for the best.

Hubby actually came to this one.  He usually says he is going to, but doesn’t.  Kid3’s teacher is new to our school and hubby decided to go to meet her.  Usually I like it when he doesn’t go because it’s easier to put on my “I’m awesome, who the hell are you?!” face – which is my defense against the panic monster.  But today I actually wanted him to go and when he tried to back out, I encouraged him to come.  I felt sure he would be a great distraction .  lol

It went well.  I felt uneasy and hot.  I think my face was red and I’m sure she could tell that I was uncomfortable.  Or maybe I just looked fidgety.  But it’s done and I survived.  And kid3 is a good student and he’s well behaved and she hardly had anything to say about him. Good.  One more year done.  I didn’t set any meetings up for Kids1 & 2 because they are both doing well and the teachers didn’t have any concerns either.  Yay!

It wasn’t always this easy.  More progress.  Thank you Lord!

Freakin Teacher Meeting Conquered

Actually I’m hesitant to say it was conquered because I did take ativan today and that was a key factor in this success.

You know what tho?  That’s still ok.  So, yes – the freakin teacher meeting was conquered.

There was a time when even WITH the ativan I’d been a quivering ball of jello.  I would have fretted about it for weeks in advance.  There’s a good chance I would have cancelled it altogether or at least faked sick and made hubby go.

So, yes.  CONQUERED.

It went well.  I am glad I changed the appointment time.  It was originally supposed to be at 10am yesterday.  It was at 4:30 today.  The school was practically deserted.  He left the office door open and had several fans blowing since it got hot today.

He was a little weird but I’ve never met a guidance counselor who wasn’t.  Seems to me his goal was to talk her out of any occupation she said she was interested in.  Ha.  Several times he said “Reality check.” and I wanted to scream “Live your dreams!”  Ha.  He was kinda a buzz kill.

But I sat there in his office relaxed.  A few times my mind started to go to the what-if kind of thinking and I quickly shut that down.  Not one hot flash.  That is awesome.  No dizziness.  Great.

I am thankful that I have ativan.  I wish I didn’t need it but at this point in my life I do.

I took 1/2 a pill this morning right after breakfast.  Then half at noon.  Then a whole one at 2:30 pm.    Yea, I hate that I took 2 in one day.  But to me it was worth it.  I need to build some confidence.  I need to get back my “I can do it!” attitude and I need to get that back quick.  The best way to do that is to have a few successes.

Band concert is next week.  Spring Carnival is next week and Kid3 has asked me to help.  The following week are the awards assemblies that really test me.  Add the 6th grade graduation event and yea, I have some fears to face the next 2 weeks.  I need to go in strong & confident.

I just called for a refill of ativan.  I will use that as a tool to get through these events.  I’m not going to feel bad about it.  I’m not going to worry about it.  I know that when school is out everything will calm down and I will be able to taper back off of ativan and go back to taking it just occasionally.

Freakin Teacher Meetings

I apologize to all you teachers out there.  But these things stress me out!

These types of things are really difficult for a person with panic attacks!

Ironically, I LOVED school when I was a child.  I was an A student.  It was easy for me.  I remember hating weekends.  I didn’t want to be home and deal with my dad’s drama.  I was the only kid I knew that loved Mondays!  It really sucks how these panic attacks have changed my life.  I’m getting better and better but it never should have been an issue in the first place and that ticks me off.

This is a busy busy time of year for everyone.  Tons of school events.

I need to focus on today only:

3:30 – pick up kids & a BFF from school

4:30 – Kid1 and I meet with guide counselor to discuss next years class schedule. I guess next year is when credits start counting toward graduation and there are decisions to make.  I don’t really know what this meeting will accomplish.   I’m looking forward to finding out :)

5:15 – Hubby takes Kid2, Kid2’s bff, and kid3 to ball field.

5:30 – I meet them at ball field and take Kid2 & bff to track.

5:45 – baseball game starts

….

I’m looking forward to sitting down, being still, and watching the game.  Ha!  Really, I will not be still.  I will be cheering like a crazy mom :)

There are about 2 hours of this day that are going to be stressful.  Really I have it figured out.  And I’m going to go make some hamburger helper and put it in the crockpot to stay warm so supper will be ready and available to whoever wants it, whenever they want it.  Simple.  Done.

I also have to remember to get cash from the mac machine before we come home for Kid1 to take on her band trip tomorrow.  And add minutes to her phone.  Being a mom is all about details!

Really this day is not that bad.  What makes it bad is that I am psyching myself out about this meeting with the guidance counselor.  My friend went this morning and said it took half an hour.  Ugh.  Add to that the fact that hubby has not been sleeping much at all this week.  He will be grumpy.  But I am waking him up anyway to help drive kids around.  He knew the plan last night.  He chose not to go to bed today until noon.  Not my fault.  Right?  Right.

Panic Attacks: At Least I Tried

Today I went to a parent / teacher conference without taking any ativan.

Yep, I was brave.

I only had one to go to today.  I didn’t go to any for Kid1 – I was in contact with her teachers via email instead.  Kid2’s teacher told me it wasn’t necessary for me to come.  Kid2 is a model student and her teacher is a friend that I see pretty regularly outside of school anyway.  There really wasn’t anything to say.

So that left only Kid3’s teacher.  She is a kind, kind soul.  I just love her.  And I have not been worrying about this conference at all.  This morning I still felt confident.  Around noon I was starting to think about when I should take the ativan.  You have to plan ahead for these things you know.  Then it hit me that I should go with out it today!  Hubby wasn’t coming so I could do my “fake it till I make it attitude.”  And I was calm, not fretting…  And there was only one and the teacher is so nice… And it was only for 15 minutes…

SO… I decided I wasn’t going to take it.  Of course I second guessed that decision right up until I walked in to the classroom.  Ha.  At one point I was psyching myself up about it, decided it was a bad decision to not take it and was ready to go get one, but then I realized the conference was in 20 minutes so it was too late for it to kick in anyway.

So I did it.  I went without ativan, my security blanket.

And I had a panic attack.

Embarrassed.  That is how I feel now.

We were sitting there at the little table talking and it hit me.  It wouldn’t pass.  And it was just the two of us.  There was no way for me to use my usual distractions – rummaging thru my purse, writing in my notebook, putting my head down, etc.  Nope, she was 1 foot away from me, talking directly to me, looking right at my face.  There was no where to hide.  I realized I couldn’t do any of those things.  I had no idea what to do and it freaked me out!   I couldn’t make it pass.  I really think I might have passed out if she hadn’t asked me if I was ok.  That changed the situation enough to give me a distraction and collect myself.

She asked me if I was ok.  I told her no I wasn’t and said my head was pounding.  (I didn’t know what to say!)

She took that to mean I had a migraine hit me all of the sudden.  She jumped up to offer me a drink of water.  I got a motrin from my purse and got a drink from the fountain to wash it down. I didn’t need a motrin!  But I played along.  It was better than saying, no I’m just nuts…this will pass soon if you don’t mind just letting me freak out for a minute!

We sat back down and tried to wrap up the conversation but it still drug out longer than I wanted.  I was so shaky.  She is still wonderful and I think that is why I feel so embarrassed.  I don’t like freaking out in front of someone I think so highly of.  Of course I don’t want her to think I’m crazy.

I had the panic attack because I was worried about having one. 

It wasn’t because I was in a stressful situation or a horrible place.  It was just cuz my mind took me there.  This should have been an easy situation.  This is a setback for me because I don’t think I’ll  be trying that again anytime soon.

Except that right now I’m thinking I want a do-over!  I want to go back in there tomorrow and try again!  Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way.  School is closed tomorrow or I might try it!  lol  That would be great – I could go back in, thank her for being so understanding today, ask her if there was anything else she wanted to talk about but didn’t get to since we finished quickly since I didn’t feel well.  That would be great because I really wanted to conquer this!

The fact that I wish I could do that makes me smile.  It makes me proud of myself for not just giving up and giving in to the panic monster.

Today it kicked my butt.  At least I tried though :)

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Related Posts:
Parent Teacher Conferences in One Hour

Parent- Teacher Conference Time Again

Parent – Teacher Conference Success :)

Parent – Teacher Conferences Anxiety

Free To Stress Myself Out

I am free this morning.

Kids are off to school.  Hubby is at an auction.    He left work at 4am, came home, changed, picked up his dad at 5:30 am and off they went.  The auction is about 1 1/2 hours away.  Crazy if you ask me – but these are things that John Deere fanatics do :)

So I am home alone.  This is very rare.  I have not done anything differently than normal  – I started laundry, put another coat of poly on the table I am refinishing, cleaned up a little, and sat down here at the computer to get to work.  That’s not really different. (Except that I am blogging, not working :/)  What is different is the way I feel!  I just love that I can do whatever I want and no-one is gonna question me or criticize me.  It’s freeing!  Even though I am only doing laundry etc.  My hubby has something to say about everything!  I am constantly having to explain myself or defend a decision I made.  It is exhausting!

(Occasionally I go on strike and refuse to answer his questions or defend my choices.  I tell him I’m sick of explaining myself to him and then I refuse to.  Ha.  Perhaps it’s time for that again.  See what perspective some alone time can bring :)

Unfortunately this day is stressing me out for other reasons.  I am taking Kid3 to the dentist after school today – he has cavities that need to be taken care of.  I have been putting it off because they are in his baby teeth and I was hoping they would just fall out soon.  It hasn’t happened yet.  One is looking pretty icky and is not loose at all.  He has never had this done before and is very worried that it is going to hurt.  And we all know how I love the dentist.  I’m nervous for him. I’m also nervous that I will have panic attack from having to sit there and watch.  I don’t do good with stuff like that.

To add to that, I expect to get my period today, so my hormones are in overdrive.  Hormones greatly affect my anxiety!  My anxiety levels always skyrocket when I have PMS.

I also have a gazillion upcoming events swirling around in my head that I am already starting to stress about.  Teacher conferences are in 2 weeks I think.  The spring musical is coming up in May.  The kids have started practicing their songs and whining about having to go.  Hubby already told them they had to.  It seems like the school year is going to end quickly.  Everyone is talking about all the happenings, and planning all this stuff. Kid1 has the spring formal to attend.  The band concert is coming up.  The music teacher has mentioned that she may have the 6th graders play with the band too – which means that both Kid1 & Kid2 would be in it.  Kid2 asked me to help chaperone their field trip.  Not sure yet where they are going, but a charter bus in usually involved.  Talk about feeling trapped!  How can I say no??  When your kid wants you around, you take advantage of it!  :)  And the year end awards assemblies that I absolutely LOVE (sarcasm!)?  They are coming up too only this year will be bigger.  Kid2 is “graduating” from elementary school.  They have a 6th grade graduation assembly which is longer and involves a reception type thing in the cafeteria afterward.  (Our school system has elementary school from K-6 and the the high school is grades 7-12)

I know all these things are not happening today and I need to put them out of my mind.  I know that they will not be as bad as I anticipate.  They never are.  I also know that the dentist today will be ok.  It just will.

It’s been a good while since I’ve taken any ativan.  I couldn’t remember when so I looked at my Joes Goals Log and see that it was March 1st when I took Kid1 shopping to get her dress for the formal.  (That’s a whole other post!) Very cool that’s been that long.   I can’t remember the last time I took an ativan…. I like that sentence!  So I’m gonna remind myself that I’ve been doing good, that I know it’s just hormones that are kicking my butt today, I am not insane, and it will all be OK.  And I will definitley be taking an ativan this afternoon.

And that is OK.

Parent Teacher Conferences in One Hour

Here we go again.

I just love parent teacher conferences!  Not.

I can do it.

First is the math teacher to discuss my daughter’s lack of algebra skills.

Then my son’s teacher.  This will be fine, hopefully I will hear that he is doing better and not asking to go to the nurse every single day.  He did that for quite a while, trying to wrangle his way home.

Then my middle daughter’s teacher.  This will be fun.  The teacher is Kid2’s BFF’s mom and a good friend of mine.  And Kid2 is like a star pupil, so I don’t expect any bad news.

Then, my girls & I are going shopping.

Good day ahead.

Gotta get the nerves under control and get on with it.

I was happy to be caught off guard.

Today was parent visitation day at school.  We all know how I love parent visitation day.  :)

This week has been so hectic.  SO hectic.  I knew it was coming up.  I thought parent visitation day was next week tnough.  Nope, next week is parent-teacher conferences.  Parent visitation day is TODAY.

I figured this out last night when going over my kids homework about 8pm.  The teachers had sent home class schedules telling us when we were allowed to come.

Ummmm.  NOoooo.  It can’t be tomorrow.  I’m not ready.  I have not had time to prepare for this!!!!

Well maybe that was a good thing.  I hid my fear, got everyone off to bed, ran the dishwasher, picked up the house, did all the things I do before I go to bed each night.  Then I sat down to watch the Duggars on DVR.  I wouldn’t even let myself think about it. I went to bed around 11:30, just telling myself I’d figure it out in the AM.

That worked pretty well except I woke up at 6am worried about what time I was supposed to be  there.

I was late getting in the shower this morning and I had to really hurry to get out the door on time.  I got all ready, grabbed their schedules and my water bottle and left.  After I parked……  After I parked is when I finally let myself slow down and think about it.  In the car, I reread my old posts about Parent Visitation Day last year on my ipod.  I took some deep breaths, I had already taken ativan that morning to calm my shakes, I prayed.  I laid my head back on the head rest and just relaxed for a few moments.

Then I walked into the school.  I was fine.  I signed in and went to Kid3’s classroom.  It was too hot in that room and I immediately hated it.  I found a chair and pulled it up to his desk. He smiled.  They were doing math and adding large numbers using little hundred, tens, ones blocks.  As soon as I sat down I felt red-faced.  I felt the dizziness coming.  I looked down.  I got my purse and dug for a cough drop. (I already had one in my mouth cuz I still have my nasty cold.)  I found my little notebook and pen.  I almost left.  I was very worried because the panic moment was not passing.  If it doesn’t pass, it will turn into the panic monster.  I did NOT want to pass out!  I was very worried I was going to.  I kept putting my head down like I was looking in my purse on the floor.  I wrote in my notebook.  “Thank you Lord, I just want to Thank you Lord for blocks of ten.”  I just kept looking around and writing whatever I saw in that part of the song.  I was SO VERY close to telling kid3 I’m sorry, I’m sick, I have to leave!  But I didn’t.  I’m glad I didn’t.

It finally passed.  Thank God the panic moment passed.

And then I was fine.  He worked on some math problems, he played a math game with his group, and then it was time for me to go to Kid2’s classroom.

Since kid2 was finished with whatever project the rest of the class was working  on, her teacher asked her to start putting the stuff up on the bulletin board in the hall.  As kids finished their drawings/essays/paper people, they brought it out to her and she stapled it up.  I helped.  It was a nice change.  The panic monster was no where in site.  After that she had math and we all sat in a very crowded room with the teacher loudly in control of her large class.  But it was ok.  I was good.  I stayed through math even though kid2 informed me that I could leave.  lol  (She’s almost one of those unruly teenagers!!)

Then it was time for me to go and I was practically giddy that it was over.  I did it.  There was less drama than last year because I was too busy and it crept up on me.  I felt completely unprepared to face this today.  But I did it anyway.  Good.  Done.

Parent – Teacher Conference Success :)

Yea, I made it. I knew I would. Just have to stress about it first unfortunately.

Grade school conferences were a breeze. Hubby went too. I got to gabbing with one of the teachers and mentioned that we were heading to the high school next. She laughed and said she had just canceled her appointment. Her daughter is in 8th grade and she HATES the team conferences too. Great. This was not helpful to hear! lol I asked if she had any advice for me. She said “Stand your ground.” Nice.

Hubby went home and I headed to the high school. Yep. He asked if I cared if he went, I told him it was fine either way. He wasn’t sure I really meant it was OK for him to bail so I explained to him about how I sometimes feel stronger on my own in these situations anyway. That’s all he needed to hear and he was out of there. lol I actually was hoping it would happen that way.

So I signed in and headed up to wait my turn. It came quick. Conferences were held in the very small upstairs faculty lounge. Very small. Like an 8×8 room. With 6 teachers at sitting around the table and 2 empty chairs right inside the door. Yep, 6 teachers. Ha. One was a student teacher, but still. The english teacher & I email pretty regularly so it was nice to see her there. I have only met the others one time at the beginning of the school year. Ugh. Here we go I thought.

So they each took a turn talking about Kid1 and telling me how awesome she is. Truly. A joy to have in class. Always ready & willing to participate and answer questions. Just a fun, happy person. On & on. Guess maybe that made this whole thing easier. I already know she is awesome of course but it makes you feel good to hear it from others :)

She is struggling in math & science. Those 2 teachers had some other things to say as well. But they were very helpful & kind and offered some real solutions and actions we could take to help her. It was a positive conference to be sure.

There was only one point in that meeting where I got worried about the panic monster. The geography teacher is really kinda droney. Is that a word? I think he would totally put me to sleep in class! Anyway, he was telling me about an assignment that she just completed and I got kinda uncomfortable making eye contact with him. His story just seemed to take FOREVER. And I think that awkwardness, and being uncomfortable started a tinge of anxiety. I got hot and took off my coat. I was fidgeting in my chair. I was worried they could all see right through me and knew what I was feeling. But it passed. I pretended to dig in my purse for a pen to make a note of something he said. Ha. Like I would wanted to take notes on his story! But I needed an excuse for the distraction. I was trying hard to distract myself from the anxiety feeling and not to be rude to him. That’s very hard to do with 6 teachers looking at you! I hope they didn’t think I was rude.

I made it. It will be easier next time. So that’s progress. Another battle won in my war on panic attacks.

(Oh & for the record, yes I did take ativan about an hour before the conferences. Honestly I probably will next time too. But maybe the time after that I will only take 1/2 an ativan. And then just maybe I won’t need any the time after that. After all, Kid3 is only in second grade. There are still quite a few years of parent teacher conferences ahead of me! )

Parent- Teacher Conference Time Again

Yes, again.  Ugh.  Wish this wasn’t a pain in my rear.  But it is.

Panic attacks suck.  True that.  lol

I am actually not worried about the conferences for Kids2 & 3 at the elementary school.  I think I have finally conquered those events.  I am not feeling panicked at all about those.  People who have read here before know that I SUFFER from panic attacks at these types of events.  I am getting much better and am actually not freaking about it right now.  And conferences are tomorrow so yay me.  This used to work me up for weeks in advance.

But of course we have a new one thrown into the mix.  And it is worrying me a bit.  Our Jr High school has “Team Conferences” for 7th  & 8th graders.  That means I need to go before the firing squad for Kid1.  Yep, that’s how it feels.  I did not go to the one in the fall.  I can rationalize and say that I did not go because I had already been talking to her teachers via email and there was no need for me to go in also.  But if I’m being completely honest here, I did not want to go AT ALL because the thought of having a “Team Conference” with all of her teachers freaked me out.  lol

(Quite a few other parents did not go to these either because it sounded so intimidating.  One of my friends, who also happens to be a 4th grade teacher said that sounded horrible and came up with the ‘firing squad” comparison.  Her kids are not in high school yet so she didn’t have to deal with it yet, but hated the sound of it too.  And she is a teacher and knows these people! )

Anyway, tomorrow at 2pm I will be facing the “team”.  Yikes.  Kid1 is having some trouble and I do need to go.  I would feel horrible for not going just because I’m nuts.  That doesn’t help her and she needs help.  I’m hoping to be able to setup a tutor for math while I’m there.  It is only a 15 minute time slot so it will not kill me.  (Flylady says you can do anything for 15 minutes! ) Honestly I don’t know how much you can really accomplish in 15 minutes, with 4 different teachers!  And I think that is stupid.  Why waste everyone’s time when really I just need to talk to the math & science teachers.  How does everyone being involved in the conversation help?  I dunno.  Hopefully it will be better than I expect.  Perhaps this has worked well for them in the past.  Who knows.  I think it sounds yucky and intimidating and it is why many parents don’t go at all.

Hubby may or not be going.  We’ll see.  He says he is.  But the time is not really ideal and he may be asleep.  Usually we are able to get morning appointments and we go before he goes to sleep.  (He works nights.)  But this is right in the middle of his sleep time so we’ll see.  I think he would probably be happy to get out if it and he has the perfect excuse.

Not sure if it would be better or worse with him there.  Kid1’s conference is giving me anxiety already.  But sometimes it is easier to “fake it till you make it” without him there.  I usually feel more confident facing these things on my own.  I feel self-conscious about my anxiety.  I mean I know it’s stupid and makes no sense.  I think when I am on my own, I can put on a better “act”.  Not sure if anyone will know what I mean here.  I can pretend it doesn’t bother me at all.  I pretend I am just fine and sometimes I even kinda cop an attitude.  Ha!  It helps me deal with it.  And if hubby is there…. he knows I am struggling.  He is watching me to see how I am reacting.  He is a little worried that I may freak and make him go himself.  And it gives me an out.  So sometimes I feel stronger on my own.  Know what I mean?

(Side note: I have struggled in the past with highways, just a little.  In those cases I definitely wanted another adult with me.  I once pulled over to the side of a very busy exit ramp in Fort Myers, Florida.  My friend was shocked – how could I pull over right there! she wanted to know.  We had just very slowly made our way across a very long bridge, traffic was all backed up and I was freaking out!  But I also had 5 kids in the car so I was not able to actually freak out.  I am proud of myself for getting us across that bridge safely without losing my mind.  But as soon as I saw an opportunity, I pulled over.  The safety of my passengers was more important than me winning the panic battle that day.  So sometimes, yea, you need someone there to back you up.  Sometimes you need a “safe” person.  Other times, I am stronger on my own.  )

Pray for me tomorrow please :)

THANK YOU LORD for this blog where I can vent and work out my feelings.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.