It works better than crying at him :)

My primary love language is words of affirmation.  That is SO very opposite of the way hubby is.  Go figure.  We’ve talked about it plenty and sometimes he takes a hint and says something nice when he knows I really need to hear it.

The other day one of my lovely teenagers was being a terror the way only teenagers can do and I was feeling guilty and sad that she “hated” me.  I needed him to tell me I was a good mom – despite her screaming at me that I was the worst.  He was getting ready to leave for work.  I said I really need to hear it – I’m a good mom right???  He just laughed and kept getting ready.  I said “seriously hun!  You don’t think I’m wrong do you?”  He said I wasn’t wrong (about saying no to kid2).  So when he was leaving he gave me a hug and I said “Can you just tell me that I’m a good mom??? It will make me feel better!”  He said “I told you that you weren’t wrong!  Why are you bugging me about this?” and got a bit irritated.  He left for work and I cried.

The whole night had been tense with kid2 trying to get her way and being angry at me for not giving in.  I needed a hug and some reassurance from him.  As I typed that sentence up there – me asking him to tell me I was a good mom, it sounds pathetic on my part.  I see that.  Especially now that its typed out.  But really!  I am a person that doesn’t have a lot of self-confidence.  I’m much better than I used to be and still working in it.  BUT he knows this about me.  He knows all about my childhood and why I am the way I am – why couldn’t he have just thrown me a bone!?!?  Yea, that reference makes me look even more pitiful doesn’t it?  Ugh.  Hopefully you know what I mean.

I’ve figured out that what hubby needs is for me to give him my undivided attention when he’s talking to me.  He wants eye contact – that makes him feel loved.  No, he didnt tell me this.  That would be mushy and involve talking about feelings….lol  But I’ve learned this about him.  So I do it as often as possible.  It’s not always possible, but I try.

And there I was, telling him exactly what I needed. (Cuz I don’t expect him to guess cuz that doesn’t work)  And he wouldn’t do it!

And that hurt.  That was … rejection.  Being rejected sucks.

I think that he wouldnt say it because I asked him to say it. In his mind, I told him to say it.  Hubby hates being told what to do.  He digs his heels in and won’t budge if he feels like he is being bossed around.

My heart was crying out and begging for his approval.  And he refused.  I wasn’t being bossy, I was being pathetic and begging.  Wow.  This post sucks.  Who knows where it will lead next!  lol

Anyway, I calmed down and sent him the text below.

2014-01-21 14.10.23 - Copy

The point of this post is that I’ve found texting him a summed up version of the problem works so much better than an intense conversation.  I try to keep it short & to the point, offer a solution and keep it light.  And if I can make it funny at all, I add that too. Now that I’ve typed this all out I wish I had a better example.  (One that didn’t highlight my neediness!)  but the point is the same.  I’ve done this with a lot of things.  Sometimes he’ll reply.  Most of the times he wont.  Sometimes he’ll comment the next day.  Most of the times he won’t.  Sometimes things will change and I know he got my point.  Other times it makes no difference and things continue as they were.   Only time will tell if that last text makes any difference.

But isn’t that the same as the big “we need to talk” conversations?  I hate those.  I’m trying to avoid those because they don’t work for us.  He immediately feels attacked and shuts down.  That makes me feel like he doesn’t care how I feel – which means he doesn’t love me – which makes me wonder why I bother trying so hard to fix this marriage….which leads to the divorce discussion.  Those conversation go downhill fast for us and do nothing to help us fix things.

Trying to Stop The Drift

Continuing  from the last post & comments… about an article called  7 Thoughts That Will Change Your Marriage

This pertains to #4 about couples drifting apart .

A while back, during one of our  ‘discussions’ , hubby opened up and told me how he is SO stressed about everything and feels tremendous pressure constantly.  Even about the little things that make no sense to me that he should worry about.  (See: Phases )

I’ve been thinking about that ever since and decided that I am going to try everything I can think of to help him de-stress.  We need to find ways to  have more fun, and be less stressed.  Together.  I’ve had several ideas but none have really stuck yet.  I want to exercise more, he always says he should start – we tried to take walks together.  Could never get the times to work (darn 3rd shift!)  Then, thinking of my sis & her hubby who love to play endless card games together, I decided to try that.  I was just looking for something we could do together that was relaxed and fun, no pressure.  Well he’s not really into card games.  I’ve tried playing calm music during the after school/dinner prep/homework time – that didn’t really help either.  I love geocaching, he isn’t interested in that at all (altho I haven’t given up on that yet! )

I don’t know what the solution is.  But I am determined to find something that we can enjoy doing together.

And this would also be awesome because hubby’s love language is quality time.  Physical touch used to be an important one for him too, not so much anymore :(   So I really really need to find something we would want to do together.  Sadly, it is harder than it should be.

I googled to try to find some new ideas. Honestly, I don’t see any of those happening.  I may have to start cooking more.  Ugh.  That is one thing that I know he values.   But geesh… every. single . day?  Perhaps if he were less critical it would be more fun!  Hey hubby – throw me some words of affirmation and I’ll cook you a steak!  Sounds like fair trade right??

– recreate your first date.
– go out for coffee
–  have a fancy date night at home
– go to the gym together, play tennis together
– go away on a vacation together
– dance together
– run errands together
– shower together
– do chores together
– go for a walk together
– cook together
– hold hands

Here is a nice list – A Month of Dates for Married Couples

Random Updates: Vday, Emotions, Lent, Funerals

Hi.  There is so much to say, I am behind.  I blog in my head, but can’t seem to get here to type it out.

Let’s see.  I did start the inevitable ‘Vday Sucks’ post but never finished it.  It is quite ugly anyway.  Probably better left in the draft section.  Short story: hubby didn’t get me anything for VDay, I tried not to care but failed.  We’ve had this issue for years.  Gifts are one of my love languages so it truly is important to me. He knows that.  I am not a materialistic bitch that demands expensive gifts.  I just want to know I am appreciated. Valued.  I think gifts say that because someone made the effort and wanted to take the time to show you that you are loved.  That is special.  I’ve said it before… write me a note, buy me my favorite gum or candy bar…  whatever!  Or even better yet – actually look at me and say some kind words and say “Happy Valentine’s Day.”  That is all I ask.  Words of affirmation are my primary love language :)

I’ve had a rough time controlling my emotions lately.  Doing better the last few days but it was rough for a while.  It was not the regular PMS time so I don’t know what’s up but I was a freakin mess.  I lost it on hubby.  Not proud.  Just being honest.  I have felt all out of sorts and can’t figure out why.  It felt like PMS that wouldn’t go away.  Ugh.  I am feeling normal now and hopefully this lasts!

LENT:  Usually I don’t give up anything for lent.  I haven’t for many years but we were reading about it cuz the kids were asking questions so I decided to give up coffee.  I know. I am stupid!  I love my coffee!  I knew it was going to be hard.  That’s the point though right?  I’m wondering if that had anything to do with my erratic mood that just wouldn’t quit.  I haven’t had any coffee for 6 days now.  Woo hoo.  Caffeine withdrawal is rough!  I am drinking tea instead so I am still getting caffeine, but not nearly as much.  Kids 2 & 3 gave up minecraft for lent.  THAT has been very hard for my son especially.  It was his own decision though and I am proud of him for sticking with it.  One of the articles we read said that Sundays didn’t count, meaning you could have whatever you gave up on Sundays.  I never heard that before but that is what happened with minecraft and it has helped.  I didn’t have coffee on Sunday, didn’t want to be tempted back to my beloved coffee!  Anyway, the last few days I have felt much calmer.  Not sure if it has to do with my hormone cycle or maybe because I got the caffeine out of my system.  I’ve been meaning to cut back anyway since caffeine is NOT good for people with anxiety / panic attacks.

We had 2 deaths in the family last week and the funerals were this past weekend.  They were both hubby’s relatives that we were not real close with.  Turns out I only went to one viewing.  Hubby attended more than that but I became the family babysitter for moms that didn’t want to take their kids to the funerals.  That was much easier.  I was stressing a lot about going.   I was proud of hubby for going without me.  He is quite anti-social and dreads these things too.

I know there is more I wanted to babble about….  I will add it later I guess as I remember.

Tomorrow I take 2 kiddos to the eye doctor and on Thursday Kid2 gets her braces on.  Anxiety about these appointments?  No… yea right!

G’night all!

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.