Busy Update :)

Hi.  Busy, busy.  Updated Needed.  Here we go.

Let’s see…

Volleyball game?  I didn’t go.  I regret it but I don’t.  The whole family decided to go to the powderpuff football game in town.  Turned out differently of course though.  Found out about an hour before time to leave that Kid1 skipped school that day!  So she was grounded and angry that she got busted.  Hubby decided he didn’t feel like going.  Of course.  Kid3 was happy to play with tractors with his dad.  I took Kid2 to the game, looked for my BFF, didn’t find her, left and picked Kid2 up when it was over.

I was mad that I changed my mind about the volleyball game with the idea that we would all actually go to the powderpuff game and then hubby backed out. It was his idea in the first place.  I was mad and hurt and felt single.  There are SO many things I do alone that a lot of couples do together and I had a little pity party.  And then I was mad at myself for not sticking to my original plan and just going to the volleyball game.

Later I was glad I didn’t go to the volleyball game though.  They had a segment on the news about it.  The vball team is undefeated,.  Apparently this game was the game that would determine if they got to go to championships.  It was a huge deal.  It sold out.  The band was there for a pre-game pep rally, etc etc.  Agh.  I would have freaked with all that going on.  Ha.  I just wanted to go try out a normal game and see if I could get through it without a panic attack.  So then I was glad I didn’t go.

What else?

Parent Teacher Conferences.   I went.  Hubby went with me.  2 strategically timed ativan in me = no panic attack this time.  Good. done.

Parent Visitation Day was yesterday.  Again, 2 strategically timed ativan helped me.  I went, enjoyed myself, felt normal.  I had been thinking about not going this year.  He’s growing up of course and he’s starting to do the thing where its not cool to hang out with your mom anymore.  That makes me sad but honestly I thought it might get me out of anymore parent visitation days!  That makes me sad too cuz he is my baby and is growing up too fast too…. but you get what I mean.  Tuesday night he was saying his prayers before bed and he thanked God that I got to come to school the next day with him.  OK then…. guess I’m going.  Ha!  It was sweet and I’m glad he wanted me there.  And I’m glad I went.  And it was seriously fine and fun and I’m thrilled to report that there was no panic attack in site.

The Play It’s tonight!  (Help!) Again, I will take the ativan and I will go and I will have fun.  That is the plan.

Lots of events this time of year.  This means I better call for an ativan refill.  Sigh.  I hate that I depend on it.  But I love that it works and helps me get out there in the world and do stuff and enjoy my time with my kids.

Yes, I’d love to figure out how to do all this stuff again without it.  But you know what?  Time goes so fast.  They are growing up so fast and I don’t want to be a basket case that misses their childhood – or that messes up their childhood!

Well this was a random type of post.  Ha!  I have to work like a manic at warp speed now.

Wish me luck tonight!  Have a good day everyone!

Panic Attacks: HIgh School Band Concert

We went to the band concert tonight.  Ativan included.   Hubby came too.  It was hot in there but not too bad.  The big fans helped.  Grammy and Pappy came too.  (Hubby’s parents)  They are such awesome grandparents and I feel blessed to have them in our lives.

Hubby came, hubby smiled for a picture.  Hubby didn’t yell at anyone.  Hallelujah.

I had a panic attack.. Yes I did.  :(

It wasn’t a huge one but it was definitely a panic attack.  It was during a duet that 2 girls were singing at the piano.  One of the girls was really messing up and I felt so bad for her.  I really felt it – I got nervous for her I think – which made me uncomfortable and wow.  I started sweating,  The room started spinning.  My face felt hot.  I tried my usual distractions – playing with my camera, writing in my notebook etc.  It wasn’t working.  I gathered my things together and picked up my purse.  My plan was to leave the room.  I wanted to stick it out but didn’t want to pass out there and cause a scene.  So I was leaning way forward in  my chair, with my head down, pretending to look for something in my purse.  I got out my notebook and started writing but I was shaking so bad I couldn’t even write.  It took everything I had to not leave the room.  I figured I’d stick it out until the last possible moment.  The minute I started seeing black spots and felt like passing out was going to happen quickly, I was going to jump up and leave then.

Man I was sweating.  And the way I was fidgeting in my chair probably had people wondering what the heck my problem was!

I was SO happy when it was over and thrilled that I made it through.  I really wanted to be able to stick it out.  That makes me stronger every time I fight through one.  Letting the panic monster win always sets you back a few steps and I did NOT want that!

So, the chorus part of the evening was over, the band got set up, played a few songs and it was over.  Awesome.  And one more notch in my belt for the win in my battle against panic attacks.  That makes it a pretty good night I guess doesn’t it?

End Of School Events – Anxiety!

It’s the end of the school year and anyone whose been here a while knows that this is THE worst time of year for me.  Too many panic attacks over the past few years have made the end of year events a nightmare for me :(

I am doing better than ever.  I will say that.  I haven’t had a panic attack yet.  knock on wood.  I am still having anxiety – big anxiety about the events.  The anxiety is stressing me out but so far I have avoided the meltdown and panic attack in anticipation of the panic attacks that I’m sure are coming.  That is progress.  :)

Tonight is the band concert.  Tomorrow is track & field.  Tomorrow night I work in the concession stand at the baseball field.  Then there are award assemblies, etc.  And my niece is graduating so that means sitting in those big bleachers at the football field for that. God willing.  Truly I would prefer that over the alternative.  The alternative is everyone stuffing into the gym because it is raining.  It would be more crowded than the musicals ever were. Sigh.  That is the only event so far that I am already thinking up good reasons why I can’t make it. Ha.  You know what I mean.  Oh.  And the baccalaureate.  I won’t be attending that either. Nope.  No way.

I actually took the day off work today because I needed to sort all this out in my mind.  (Think of last year though when I had a meltdown, took an ativan and slept the day away on the couch.  See?  Better.)  Piles of paper, events that hadn’t made it to the calendar yet, permission slips, order forms, etc… All these were scattered about and I needed to get a handle on it!  I was feeling out of control and I took today off to try to organize and prepare.

I had a slow start.  Hubby didn’t go to bed right away when he got home.  He kept gabbing at me.  I didn’t tell him I wasn’t working today cuz there is always somewhere he wants to go.  He would say we should go somewhere – truck shopping or somewhere since I was off.  I didn’t want to.  And I didn’t want to deal with him pouting because I had other plans for the day.  Plans that he would judge.  So I kept it to myself and tried to say very little when I replied to him so he would get bored and be done talking!  LOL

So mainly what I got done so far is I cleared the counter of all the paper piles and put things where they go – put events on the calendar, filled out forms and wrote checks for yearbooks and band shoes and fundraisers. I called the insurance company and 2 different doctors to schedule appointments.  I called the consignment shop to set up an appointment that I’ve been meaning to make for a month!

I feel like I accomplished so much – even though it was just stuff I should have already had done! I wish I was one of those people that are always motivated and energetic!

Well I don’t want to get sidetracked.  I need to go plan when to take my ativan so its in high gear at the band concert tonight.  Gonna be HOT in there which just makes it worse but I plan to sit as close to the fan as I can, even if it does blow my hair up in the air the whole time :)  I’d rather be sane than pretty.  LOL

Parent Teacher Conference Again

I always post about parent- teacher conferences because they always send me into anxiety overload.  I used to stress about them, then the worst happened and I actually had a panic attack during one.  That was a big set back of course and now I wont even go unless I’ve taken ativan.

Ugh.  It’s always good when these things sneak up on me so I don’t have time to over-think it and freak myself out.   I knew it was either today or tomorrow.  I couldn’t find the paper.  I have been focused on the phone meeting I had this morning so that was also a good distraction.  I couldn’t find the paper because I am totally overwhelmed in my life and becoming more and more unorganized as the days go by.  I emailed the teacher to ask her the time.  It was at 4:30 today.  Ha.  There was about an hour and a half before the conference, I took an ativan and hoped for the best.

Hubby actually came to this one.  He usually says he is going to, but doesn’t.  Kid3’s teacher is new to our school and hubby decided to go to meet her.  Usually I like it when he doesn’t go because it’s easier to put on my “I’m awesome, who the hell are you?!” face – which is my defense against the panic monster.  But today I actually wanted him to go and when he tried to back out, I encouraged him to come.  I felt sure he would be a great distraction .  lol

It went well.  I felt uneasy and hot.  I think my face was red and I’m sure she could tell that I was uncomfortable.  Or maybe I just looked fidgety.  But it’s done and I survived.  And kid3 is a good student and he’s well behaved and she hardly had anything to say about him. Good.  One more year done.  I didn’t set any meetings up for Kids1 & 2 because they are both doing well and the teachers didn’t have any concerns either.  Yay!

It wasn’t always this easy.  More progress.  Thank you Lord!

The Honor Roll Rocks

Kid1 is on the honor roll for the first time ever!  Woo hoo!  Proud mom moment :)

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Update to the Freak Out Update

The plan for the open house last night was this….

Take an ativan at 3:30.  Leave house at 4:30, be there by 5:00 to beat the crowds.  Visit, go have dinner with the family somewhere.

What really happened though was:
When Kid1 got home from school yesterday she was sick.  Freezing cold and feeling dizzy.  She had refused to take any of the pain meds that the dentist gave her.  I gave her a motrin and hoped maybe it was just tooth ache side effects, although the flu is going around school right now too.  She slept about half an hour and came downstairs looking miserable but decided she could go. I really wanted to go – I’ve only ever been there once before.  I wanted to go see where my daughter will be spending her mornings next year!   I was going to tag along with BFF and her kid if Kid1 wasn’t feeling up to it.  She said she was though so I called BFF and told her to go without me.

Hubby changed his mind about going many times.  He went to this school – vo tech – when he was in high school and took the welding program.  But Kid1 is interested in the multimedia department, which is a whole new experience at this school.  He has been a bit disappointed ever since Kid1 expressed interest in going here – he’s always said he wants his kids to go to college and earn the “easy money”.  What this means to him is that you use your brain to make your money –  instead of physical work.  He has a very physically demanding, dirty, hard job.

But I think this is the perfect choice for her!  It is multimedia and web design.  It is really neat.  They have a lot of high tech equipment, they work with a lot of local businesses, she will get great real world training and work experience.  And lets face it, school has always been a  challenge for Kid1.  I think college would be miserable for her.  I will not tell her not to go to college.  I will never tell her that.  It’s her choice.  But that’s another reason this is perfect.  When she graduates, she will be certified in something – not sure what exactly, she will have real skills, and experience with real companies already.  AND they have a dual enrollment program so that she can earn college credits while she is there.  She can earn 24 college credits in the 3 year program.  And they are only like $40/credit!  And they are credits that will transfer to (most) colleges.  SO she still has that choice.  Yay.

I’m excited, can you tell?

I got kinda sidetracked there… but what happened last night was that we didn’t go until way later than I had planned because we were waiting for Kid1 to feel better.  Then I had to quickly defrost and cook something to feed people at home.  Then hubby finally decided he was coming so we had to wait for him to shower.  And by then it had been too long for that 3:30 ativan to still be  much good.  Or at least I was worried it wouldn’t be ok and I had plenty to time to continue to freak out about going there…  So I took another one around 6:00.  And Oh my gosh I was in a fog.  Ick.  But it worked, no panic attacks anywhere in site. We had a nice long conversation with the teacher and it was well worth the trip.  I slept HARD last night.  I didn’t get up with my alarm at 5:45am.  Kid2 woke me up 7:00.  Kids1 & 2 walk out for the bus at 7:15.  I usually get Kid3 up at 7.  Kid2 got us both up today.  Ha.

So I had a drugged kind of sleep last night.  It was a deep sleep.  And I feel great today!   :)

Tonight is Kid2’s 13th birthday party sleepover.  So much to do and trying to have a good plan for activities to keep the drama at bay.  It’s been so hard with these boy crazy girls. Last time some of them were here – about a month ago – there was so much drama! It was terrible.  And they were mean.  Just mean.  Mean to my other kids, rude to me, fighting with each other.  It was ridiculous.  I told Kid2 this is her chance to do it the right way – or sleepovers are done.  D O N E.    So I have a bunch of activity ideas.  You need a bunch cuz they’ll probably hate most.  And instead of me making a cake, they are going to make cupcakes and decorate them themselves.  Kid2’s BFF especially likes to cook and I figure that will keep them busy for a while.  We’ll see how it goes.

Happy Friday everyone!

And the “snow” is back on wordpress!  I love the snow :)

My Busy Kids Update

School started Monday.  I am slowly slowly getting the house back in order and trying to find a routine that works again.

Kid3 was going to sign up for football but then changed his mind.  His chest is still giving him trouble where he got hit with that baseball in June!  Crazy.  It seems to get sore very quickly, like it is weak in that spot now.

Kid2 started Jr High which is really the same as high school in our very small town.  Same building although they do attempt to keep the older kids at the other end of the building.  She was extremely nervous but has since relaxed.  She has always been good at making friends so she settled right in.  She joined the marching band.  She plays the saxophone.  There were 2 weeks of band camp and she has already been in 2 parades.  Our first high school football game is tomorrow  night so that will be her first performance on the field.  She is not looking forward to that and keeps practicing her backwards marching that they do in one song that always messes her up  :)

Kid1 is now a freshman.  Crazy.  She is still in band.  She plays the clarinet.  The big news with her is that she joined the volleyball team!  Yay!!  You have no idea what a big deal this is!  As in getting her to take a walk around the block with me was torture for her!  She is still trying to lose weight and has not been very successful.  There is no way that she won’t lose weight now.  They have been practicing for 2.5 hours a night, 4 nights a week.  This is the 3rd week of that I think.  Games start next week.  I am SO proud of her.  When all her muscle are aching and it is hard for her to walk up the stairs she just says “It’s ok.  Volleyball is fun.”  YAY again!

Kid1 is behind on her volleyball skills.  She is very new at this and the rest of the team has gone to volleyball camps and most girls play basketball too so they are in shape.  She will be a bench warmer this season.  Her coach told her she will probably not get to play at all this year.  That is still ok.  I am more excited about the exercise she is getting than the sport.  Ha.  And she is having fun being a part of the team and I think she is proud of herself too.  I ranted a little about her uniforms over on Roots To Blossom blog but basically they are tight and skimpy and really not flattering at all.  Especially for the girls who are not skinny as toothpicks.  Kid1 has more confidence than I ever had and wears it anyway.  Doesn’t seem to bother her at all.  I’m glad.

Too Quiet

My kids went back to school today.  This makes me feel both happy :) and sad :(

I am hopeful that I will catch up on everything now that we will be back in some sort of routine.  Summer was fun and busy and often chaotic.  And it went too fast.  In that whirlwind, the paper piles and dust bunnies have multiplied.  No worries.  It is worth the extra time I got to spend with my kiddos.

I now have a 4th grader, a 7th grader, and a 9th grader.  There were some nerves this morning.  And Kid3 shed some tears last night.  It will work out though.  I’m praying Kid3 gets to hang out with his best buddy some today and that will make school more fun for him.

Hopefully I will be able to catch up with the blog world soon too.

It is very quiet here today!

Celebrating with Wine and Cookie Dough

I am doing a happy dance.

Well really I am sitting here drinking wine and eating cookie dough.  :)

The school events are over, the kids have half a day of school tomorrow, and then they are free for the summer.

I LOVE summer.  I love hanging out with my kids.  (Ask me in a week if I still feel the same! lol)

I made it through the awards assemblies and 6th grade graduation!

I took too much ativan but I did it.

The graduation assembly today was very nice.  They had a slideshow playing for us to watch while waiting for it to begin.  I didn’t watch it cuz it made me want to burst into tears.  In order to keep the panic attacks away I need to stay focused right?  I think they are going to hand out a copy of that dvd to the kids so I can watch it later.  They had the usual awards, there were 7 kids that gave mini speeches in between, and they all received their “diploma”.  Then we all ate cake and took a gazillion pictures.  It was fun.

I went by myself.  Hubby slept through it even though I asked him to please come with me.  Grammy was babysitting her great-grandbaby and he was screaming his head off when I talked to her on the phone.  He is getting sick I guess.  SO I went alone and was worried that Kid2 would be upset. If she was she didn’t show it.

I got extremely nervous and shaky in the last hour – waiting for it to be time to go.  I tried a bunch of different distractions.  I finally settled into a comfy chair and tried to do some deep breathing. I have also been using a roll-on stress relief oil that Dr. Oz recommended and I bought  from escents aromatherapy.  I love it!  I don’t know what it is about the scent but when I take deep breaths and inhale it really works for me.

The beginning of the program was very difficult and I had a hard time being still.  I kept getting up to take pics and writing in my notebook like always.  I made great efforts to lean back in my chair and try to relax.  About 45 minutes into it I realized I was finally calmed down and enjoying the program. Usually these assemblies arent that long so I guess I never got that far before.

Anyway…. Done.  Good.

I’m gonna drink some wine, put away the cookie dough before I really regret it, perhaps watch some TV, and go to bed.

Sounds like a plan.

Good night.

One More School Assembly

Only 1 more school event and I am FREE!

No more school assemblies, concerts, parent teacher conferences, parent visitation days, musicals, ……. at least until fall :)

Looking forward to that like a kid counting down the days until their birthday!  Ha ha.

Kid2’s awards assembly was yesterday.  It went well.  Hubby didn’t go.  Mom-in-law did but got there before me and sat right in the middle aisle near the front.  Umm…. no.  I went and said hello and told her I was going to sit near the back because I like to stand up  and take pictures.  She was already gabbing happily with the lady next to her.  She didn’t mind at all so I went to the back.

There were no seats left at the end of any rows.  That got my head spinning a bit, but I found a seat in the middle of the back row and convinced myself it was fine because all I had to do to exit was slide my chair back and get out that way.  Yes, I know it is ridiculous to worry about things like that.

I had taken 2 ativans already and did better than expected.  I was worried about a repeat of the panic attack I had at parent teacher conferences.  Happily that didn’t happen.  I still wrote in my little notebook.  I still got very uncomfortably choked up when they gave out the awards that are in memory of children who have died. I took pictures.  And more pictures.  I chatted with an old friend who sat down next to me.  It was fine.  It was really fine. And I was thrilled.

Tomorrow is the 6th grade graduation.  Kid2 is excited.  Lots of kids are speaking – each about different topics that are near and dear to their graduating hearts.  They have put together a slide show of their elementary years.  I have been told to bring my tissues.

This one will be tough because – well because these things are terrible for me anyway – add the tissues and it could get real hard real fast.

I used to think 6th grade graduation was kinda silly.  Now though I see that it is really more about leaving the grade school and beginning Jr high.  That is a big step and it is certainly worthy of a graduation type assembly.  And cake.  :)

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.