I know there is no real “normal” but I still want to be normal.

You will never know how BADLY I want to just be normal.

My nerves are shot.  I don’t know how to stop this anxiety.  I don’t want to have to be medicated the rest of m life just so I can be normal.

I AM SO SICK OF IT!

Yesterday I had a meeting (yuk) at Panera (Yum!) with a new client.

Yesterday I got a haircut.

Tonight is Kid’2 first basketball game in the big gym.

Tonight is Kid1’s first volleyball game in the big gym, right after Kid2’s game.

On the upside, I’m going to get a LOT of exposure therapy in that gym tonight.

Down side, I feel insane and of course family members will be there to support my girls (yay) and watch me crumble (boo).

Today isnt fun and I hate it.

It ticks me off.

Dear God,   Thank you for ativan today.

Darling, You Look Fabulous!

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When I got to the salon yesterday morning I sat in my car in the parking lot for a while – trying to talk myself into it.  I really needed a haircut, it was long overdue!  Besides that, I told the blog world that I was getting one and didn’t want to wuss out!  I did not want to have to come back here and type that I was so messed up I couldn’t even get a haircut.

But I couldn’t seem to talk myself into going through those doors either.

So I went next door to a department store.  I wanted to walk around a while and get my jitters out.  And I also thought it would give the ativan a little more time to kick in.  Well you’ve heard of retail therapy right? Perhaps that was all I needed.   I got a nice fabulous pair of jeans and a purse too!

Then I went to the salon, got a wonderful stylist named Kristen and got a fabulous hairdo.  I’m saying the word fabulous because my daughter kept saying “Darling, you look fabulous!” in a strange British accent when I got home.  She’s fun :)

Kristen was great!  Truly great.  Not stuffy at all. She just seemed real.  The ladies were all having a ball and gabbing and singing and it was a really fun place to be.  Such a good memory to replace panic monster memories.

And then a customer came in that they all knew and she was telling them about a water aerobics class she was taking.  Then they started talking about a yoga class.  Kristen wanted to go but was afraid to do it herself and was trying to talk one of them into going with her.  Someone asked why she was afraid to do it herself.  She said “I have anxiety.  Stuff like that is hard for me.”

Yep.  And she said it out loud!

She was asking so many questions about the yoga class.  Does it get crowded?  About how many people are in it?  Is there room in the back of the class?  She doesn’t want to be up front by the mirrors.  How are the bathrooms?  What should she wear – is it hot or cold? Is the instructor really loud?  If she can’t stay for the whole class is that OK?

I can relate to those questions!  These are the types of questions flying around in the mind of a person with anxiety!

(I recently emailed my sister a similar list of questions about the church she goes to.  I am still trying to get up the nerve to start going to church again.  I am hoping that if she answers my babbling questions for me I can conquer some of my “what if” thinking and finally make a decision.)

One of the other stylists said “Just go girl!  It will be fun!”

Wouldn’t it be awesome to be able to think about stuff in those simple terms without all the other drama in our heads???

“Just go girl!”

That should be my new motto.

Fabulous Outfit.  Fabulous Haircut.

It was a rough start but I made it.

I’d love to show you my fancy new do.  So here is the back of my head.  lol
This IS an anonymous blog after all :)

Stupid Panic Attacks: I Need a Hair Cut!

My hands are shaking.  Stupid anxiety!

Agh!  I am determined to get a haircut today!  I’ve been doing good, so it just ticks me off to be so worked up over a stupid haircut.  I HATE being trapped in that chair.  And the thought of getting some girl that takes forever to cut my hair is horrifying.  Of course I don’t make an appointment – cuz that would have me stressing for days and I’d probably back out of too many anyway.  So I go to one of those walk-in places.  They’ve always done a good job, but once I got a new girl, fresh out of beauty school, and it took her over an HOUR to give me a simple cut.  I hated that day with a passion!  lol

So today I am running errands, grocery shopping and getting a haircut.  Yes, yes I am.

Deep breaths.

Go.

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Fretting about having a panic attack while getting a haircut is how I first met Jill.  She and her blog have been a God-send! Check her out if you are struggling with this – she has a great post called Getting a haircut with social anxiety   :)

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.