It works better than crying at him :)

My primary love language is words of affirmation.  That is SO very opposite of the way hubby is.  Go figure.  We’ve talked about it plenty and sometimes he takes a hint and says something nice when he knows I really need to hear it.

The other day one of my lovely teenagers was being a terror the way only teenagers can do and I was feeling guilty and sad that she “hated” me.  I needed him to tell me I was a good mom – despite her screaming at me that I was the worst.  He was getting ready to leave for work.  I said I really need to hear it – I’m a good mom right???  He just laughed and kept getting ready.  I said “seriously hun!  You don’t think I’m wrong do you?”  He said I wasn’t wrong (about saying no to kid2).  So when he was leaving he gave me a hug and I said “Can you just tell me that I’m a good mom??? It will make me feel better!”  He said “I told you that you weren’t wrong!  Why are you bugging me about this?” and got a bit irritated.  He left for work and I cried.

The whole night had been tense with kid2 trying to get her way and being angry at me for not giving in.  I needed a hug and some reassurance from him.  As I typed that sentence up there – me asking him to tell me I was a good mom, it sounds pathetic on my part.  I see that.  Especially now that its typed out.  But really!  I am a person that doesn’t have a lot of self-confidence.  I’m much better than I used to be and still working in it.  BUT he knows this about me.  He knows all about my childhood and why I am the way I am – why couldn’t he have just thrown me a bone!?!?  Yea, that reference makes me look even more pitiful doesn’t it?  Ugh.  Hopefully you know what I mean.

I’ve figured out that what hubby needs is for me to give him my undivided attention when he’s talking to me.  He wants eye contact – that makes him feel loved.  No, he didnt tell me this.  That would be mushy and involve talking about feelings….lol  But I’ve learned this about him.  So I do it as often as possible.  It’s not always possible, but I try.

And there I was, telling him exactly what I needed. (Cuz I don’t expect him to guess cuz that doesn’t work)  And he wouldn’t do it!

And that hurt.  That was … rejection.  Being rejected sucks.

I think that he wouldnt say it because I asked him to say it. In his mind, I told him to say it.  Hubby hates being told what to do.  He digs his heels in and won’t budge if he feels like he is being bossed around.

My heart was crying out and begging for his approval.  And he refused.  I wasn’t being bossy, I was being pathetic and begging.  Wow.  This post sucks.  Who knows where it will lead next!  lol

Anyway, I calmed down and sent him the text below.

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The point of this post is that I’ve found texting him a summed up version of the problem works so much better than an intense conversation.  I try to keep it short & to the point, offer a solution and keep it light.  And if I can make it funny at all, I add that too. Now that I’ve typed this all out I wish I had a better example.  (One that didn’t highlight my neediness!)  but the point is the same.  I’ve done this with a lot of things.  Sometimes he’ll reply.  Most of the times he wont.  Sometimes he’ll comment the next day.  Most of the times he won’t.  Sometimes things will change and I know he got my point.  Other times it makes no difference and things continue as they were.   Only time will tell if that last text makes any difference.

But isn’t that the same as the big “we need to talk” conversations?  I hate those.  I’m trying to avoid those because they don’t work for us.  He immediately feels attacked and shuts down.  That makes me feel like he doesn’t care how I feel – which means he doesn’t love me – which makes me wonder why I bother trying so hard to fix this marriage….which leads to the divorce discussion.  Those conversation go downhill fast for us and do nothing to help us fix things.

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I don’t think it’s normal

I don’t think it’s normal that my husband thinks I must be happy that cancer runs in his family and he will probably die sooner than later…

Hope

I’ve been thinking about this for a while.

Sofia asked me in her comments on my post “Anger, Heartache, Relief and Confusion” if the “great guy” I fell in love with ever really was a great guy or if he was always just a monster in disguise.  My gut reaction was that he absolutely WAS a great guy.  It was real!   But this blog is all about me being real with myself and that question haunted me.  What if it never was real?  What if I am just in love with the IDEA of him and not really in love with him – because HE doesn’t really exist the way I think he does?  Am I just in denial?

My conclusion:  He wasn’t always like this.  That great guy did exist.

I don’t know if he still does but that is what I am counting on.

I don’t  think that he is passive aggressive like many of the horrible hubbys I read about on the blogs of my dear cyber friends.  Some of the things he does seem to fit the description, many others do not.

I think mainly he is just an angry jerk.

He wasn’t always a jerk.  He has had his moments but the jerk moments were not his main personality like now.

He has never been “easy-going”.  And we often had problems communicating, misunderstanding each other.  That’s true.  But we always liked each other even when we disagreed.

For a while there I thought he was depressed. I still wonder that.  It seems he is just chronically angry.  He has put his defenses up and appointed me the enemy.  I’m not sure exactly when or why that happened.  A few things pop into my mind though…

In April 2008 he convinced himself that I was cheating on him.  I wasn’t and his accusation were ridiculous if you ask me.  They were completely unfounded.  I think that now he believes that nothing ever happened but that situation did some damage. (I think I blogged about this before and its a long stupid story that I don’t feel like typing out.  I NEVER cheated on him tho.)

It was a horrible time.  He said that he had trusted me completely and that trust was now shattered.  He even said something about how he had put me up on a pedestal, how he looked up to me before and now he had lost all respect for me.  He didn’t think that I was the kind of person that could ever do this. I’ll never forget it.  He had never spoken to me like that before.  He said he lost all respect for me – and I could see it in his eyes – it was true.  He was angry but weirdly calm.  I explained what I could and denied any wrong doing (which apparently just made me sound guilty).  He didn’t believe me.  That made me mad.  He didn’t trust me for a long time after that.  And I was mad for a long time because I had done nothing wrong.

About 2 months after this is when I had my first panic attack.  Hmm.  I never put those 2 events together before….

Sometime in 2010 he started working 3rd shift which meant we no longer shared a bed.  Like ever.  No more gab sessions at bedtime.  No more foot rubbing.  No more cuddling.  Hardly ever any sex.  Bedtime was always our main time to talk & connect with each other.  Gone.  (I miss it so badly!  I have been so freakin lonely since he started 3rd shift!)

Nov 2010 –  I started this blog.  Our marriage was at its all time low.

There have been many ups and downs since then.

Many days I read over my posts and ask myself what the hell I am still doing here.

But here is a fact.

Things really HAVE improved since I started  this blog.  When I read back to some of my first posts – my God he was terrible.  He still isn’t awesome – and some days he’s still pretty terrible – but not like then.

And maybe it seems better now because I am a stronger person than I was then.

Here’s the thing.

He really wasn’t always like this.  Anger has taken over his life and now he’s a jerk.  But I believe with all my heart that he is still in there.  My prayer is that he can hurry up and get out of this nasty fog before I give up on him.  On us.  I do believe that he is the one and only that God intended for me.  I still feel that deep in my soul.  He is my home.  And I am his.

I hate that I feel embarrassed to type these things and put them out here in public after typing out all the crappy stuff that happens.  Of course I look like a blind idiot.  I know that.  And I will continue to post about my hurts and I’m sure just reinforce to you all that he is not who I think he is.  That kinda sucks but it is what it is.

Truth:  He may not be that guy anymore.  He may not ever be again.  I know that.

I guess I’m just not willing to give up hope yet.

I pray every day that this will be worth it in the end.

A Whole Week

Thursday – Thursday were good days in our relationship.

(A whole week!  woo hoo!  I am mocking myself.)

We got along very well.  Maybe even great.  He took off work Thursday night and we actually slept in the same bed for 3 nights in a row.  I smiled a lot.  And so did he.

On Tuesday when we were leaving the house to go to kid2’s basketball game, he went out to the car through the basement door without even telling me he was ready to go.  I was upstairs waiting for him.  I didn’t know he went out until I wondered what was taking him so long and went to check on him.  It was time to leave and he hates to be late so I knew something was up.  He wasn’t there.  He was already outside, sitting in the car with it running.

He has done this many times before and I hate it.  I very nicely asked him to please tell me when he is ready and going out to the car.  He said “I figured you’d come out when you were ready, it’s not like I was sitting her revving the engine or anything. I wasn’t mad.”  I told him I had been ready for a while and was sitting there waiting for him.  Please just holler up the steps to let me know you are going out.  I don’t remember if he said OK or not but it was an OK conversation.  He didn’t get irritated and seemed to get my point.

Well.  Last night (Friday) we were getting ready to go to the football game and he did it again.  I was seriously just sitting at the kitchen table playing candy crush while I was waiting for him to be ready.  I heard the basement door this time.  Man, it pissed me off.  I didn’t get up right away.  I considered sitting there until he finally came looking for me.  Afterall, I didn’t know he was ready did I?  I waited a few minutes and calmed myself and then went out.  He had his window down and as I walked towards the car I said “Really?!  Will you please just tell me before you go out?”

I didn’t yell.  And yes I even smiled, like I was frustrated but it was OK and I was making a joke of it.   He didn’t say anything.  Kid3 was laughing.  I went around to get in the passenger side and he said something to kid3 that made him laugh even more.  I said what?  He said nothing.  At that point it still seemed ok.  The mood was still light and he was smiling and I kinda wondered if he just did it again to pick on me?  Whatever.

So we went to pick up my nephew and on the way there – like a 2 minute drive – it all changed.  He wouldn’t talk to me.  He didn’t answer kid3 when he tried to talk to him either.  A chill swept through the van for sure!  I asked him if he knew who we were playing that night.  He ignored me.  I asked him again and didn’t let him off the hook.  He finally said he didn’t know. (Which was not true, he was just trying no to talk to me. )  We picked up my nephew.  Hubby stared straight ahead with no expression on his face and I wanted to throw up.  He drove back past our house and I wanted to scream “Let me out!” cuz I really didn’t want to deal with his crap all night.  But I didn’t.  This is the last home game.  Our girls are in the band.  I wanted to go for them and I wasn’t gonna let him be the reason I wasn’t there supporting my kids.

So I pretended I didn’t know he was having a problem.  ha.  I gabbed with the kids, I talked to him even tho he wasn’t replying.  He did talk when we were looking for a parking space and having trouble finding one.  Then as we were walking to the football field, a friend of his (who he cant stand) saw us and walked with us and gabbed hubby’s ear off.  I was laughing hysterically inside cuz he really cannot stand this guy.  That kinda broke the ice I guess.

Probably the whole first half of the game was awkward though.  It’s like I was there with the kids, and he was there with the kids, but we were not there together.  Later in the evening when the kids ran off to hang out with friends, he started talking to me kinda normally again.

Sigh.

Around 11:30, I was ready for bed and said goodnight to everyone – they were all watching baseball in the living room.  I told him I’d turn the heating blanket on for him.  He very decidedly said no.  I said why?  He said – I won’t need it on tonight.  I knew this meant that he would not be sleeping with me that night.

And I was right.

When I woke up this morning I was pissed that he never came to bed.  I knew he wasn’t going to , but I guess I was hoping he would anyway.  That is childish and sucky.

When I came downstairs he was eating breakfast.  I said good morning and he actually replied so I asked him why he didn’t sleep with me last night.  His face got hard and he shrugged his shoulders.  He was instantly pissed off.  I said “Are you seriously mad that I just asked you that?”  (I promise I was not mean the way I said it!)   He said “Well why would you ask that?  I don’t want to feel like I’m in trouble ALREADY today.”)

Inside I’m yelling “Well I didn’t want to feel rejected again last night either!”

So I went back upstairs to get dressed.  He and kid3 were going to a sale or somewhere this morning with his dad.  He left the house quickly, before I even came back down.  Nice.

So friggin nice.

Last Friday night, the kids were all somewhere else so we ran around together.  We did a little shopping, ate some ice cream, just hung out.  We talked about how it’s been a long time since just the 2 of us hung out and that it was nice.   We slept in the same bed.  We loved each other.   I felt loved.

And this is the cycle of our relationship.

I WANT More.

I want you to WANT to be happy.

That’s true.  I want more than that though.

.

I want you to WANT to get along with people.

I want you to WANT to make our marriage better.

I want you to WANT to sleep in the same bed.

I want you to WANT to make me happy.

I want you to WANT to stop swearing.

I want you to WANT know God.

I want you to WANT confident kids, not kids you control.

I want you to WANT to teach our kids right & wrong, not just how to look out for themselves in this world.

I want you to WANT to go on dates with me.

I want you to WANT to share your life with me.

I want you to WANT to have sex with me.

I want you to WANT to get off 3rd shift so you can sleep more and feel better.

I want you to WANT ME.

.

Because I WANT YOU.

I want to do / be all those things for you.  I want the same thing from you.

Anger, Heartache, Relief and Confusion

I almost ended my marriage Sunday evening.

I friggin hate this.

Saturday he ignored me most of the day.   He didn’t talk to me until we had been elbow deep in tomatoes for about 2 hours.  Seriously.  Imagine canning tomatoes in silence. I’m not sure exactly why but I’m guessing it’s because I didn’t do what he wanted on Friday.  We were supposed to can tomatoes Friday evening.  He was out playing with his tractors most of the night though and didn’t come in until 9pm.  He wanted to start them then.  I said I wasn’t staying up all night canning so I wasn’t going to do that.  I told him if he wanted to juice them, go ahead but I wouldn’t be canning them until Saturday morning. He seemed alright about it at the time but who knows.  Whatever.

Then Sunday he barely spoke to me all day again.  It just pissed me off.  And you all know I’ve already been mad and ready to tell him off so I did.  I went to the basement and told him about how things like that tractor show breakfast and the birthday picnic ticked me off cuz he was so obnoxious.  And then the fact that he decided to ignore me all weekend didn’t help matters.  AND he hasn’t even slept in the same bed as me for a few weeks!  I’m tired of being ignored.  I’m tired of putting up with his rudeness.  He just acts mean and hateful towards people and I hate that.  I wanted to give him an ultimatum but was having trouble putting it into words.

I did tell him (again!) that I am not happy.  That I need more from him.  That I don’t like being around him when he switches over to jerk mode and that there is no way I’m sticking around if that’s the way it’s gonna be.  Yea, that was the wimpy way to tell him….

And guess what?  He seemed OK with us splitting and he said that maybe that is the only way for us to be happy.   So we wouldn’t have to keep having these same arguments.  He has no intention of changing because he doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong.  And if I am that miserable, which he doesn’t understand, then maybe I should just do what I need to do to take care of me. He wasn’t being sassy or mean.  It was a pretty raw conversation.

And that scared the hell out of me.

When he left for work that night – it was up in the air.  He didn’t know if he wanted to keep trying or if it was time for us to move on.  I told him I felt the same.  My heart was screaming no, but my head was wondering if that is truly the best solution in the long run – even though it will hurt like crazy for a while.

Needless to say I didn’t sleep at all that night.

I read back over the things I have typed here, trying to put it all into perspective.  It looks bad all typed out.  I know that.  It’s hard to deny the facts when its out there like that.  And that is one of the reason I do this.

But see here is the thing.  I really don’t want to leave my marriage.  I just want him to knock his shit off!  (I can just hear you guys laughing hysterically at me for saying that… don’t worry, I’m laughing at myself too.)

We had it good.  For a pretty long time actually.  And this jerk that I’ve seen more and more of the past few years – I don’t accept that this is who he is now.  Yes.  it’s called denial.  But I know there is more to him.  I’ve seen it.  I’ve felt it.  I was the recipient of his unselfish love for a lot of years.

I hate that he is angry at the world now.  It is ugly.  I really really hate it.  If I met him now for the first time, I wouldn’t like him at all.  That is the truth.  That isn’t the case though.  I’ve known this man since I was 16 and he was 17.  I know there is so much more to him.  And I still see it some days.  He is still in there.  I don’t want to walk away and not be here when he comes back.

A thought popped into my head and it really irked me… what if we split – then he gets a big slap in the face cuz life has a way of doing that to you – and he decides being angry isn’t working and comes out of his darkness.  Then he meets another woman.  Guess what?  She gets the good parts of him.  NO!  That is not cool.  I had the good parts and I want them back.  If I knew he was gonna stay an angry man for the rest of his life, I think I could walk away.  But I don’t know that.

I have gone through postpartum depression.  I have been HORRIBLE to live with.  When I finally went to the doctor I told him I was lucky to still have a husband and I needed help before I drove him away.  I am still embarrassed when I think back and remember what a raving lunatic I was.  I went through that after both my 2nd and 3rd babies.  There  were a lot of ups and downs those years and he stood by me.

I don’t know.  Maybe I need to stand by my man.  No, that doesn’t mean I accept his behavior.  It doesn’t mean I become a doormat and just quietly wait it out.

Maybe it means that I stand strong and weather the storm with him.

I don’t know if I even agree with or believe the words I am typing right now.

Oh and we talked a little bit Monday morning before he went to sleep.  He said “We have to make this work don’t we?  Especially for our kids.”

I was so relieved to hear that – you have no idea.

I know that I don’t want to walk away if there is a chance that I will get the love of my life back.   I also know that I need to put a stop to the crap that is destroying my soul.

But for now, as always happens, I have to let this go and get back to life.  Kids will be home from school soon.  I need to get supper started.   Kid2 has a basketball game, Kid1 has a volleyball game that my mom is supposed to come to again.  It is also open house night at the grade school so I get to go meet Kid3’s teacher and see his classroom.

And life goes on despite all the crap that swirls around in my head.

WWYD: Tractor Show Breakfast

OK so here is another one.

What would you do?

We camped out at a tractor show over the weekend.  They served breakfast the last morning – pancakes and sausage.  Hubby was there last year too and has gone on and on about how good the breakfast was.  And he mentioned it a few times when we were there this year.  So Sunday morning arrives, we all get up and get ready and head down to the pavilion to get breakfast.  It’s $5 each.  As we are in line he says he doesn’t think he’s gonna get anything to eat.  I wonder why and know I have to be careful about how I ask cuz it seems like he is already in a mood.  I wonder if perhaps he was getting low on cash or something.  I asked him and he said he had enough cash.  So I touched his arm and said “You’ll feel better today if you eat breakfast.”  He glared right through me.  Such a nice way to start the day!  He said nothing else and I ignored him and chatted it up with my kiddos and other people in line.

The rest of us got our breakfast and we headed back to our site with our plates to sit around the fire and eat.    As soon as we sat down, Kid3 laughed and said he forgot to get a fork.  As I was trying to tell him that we have some forks in the camper, hubby yelled at him and told him to “use his head god dammit!” and on and on.  I said “Hubby relax!  (Insert his actual name here!)”  He got even more pissed cuz I said that and sat down in his chair with a horrible look on his face that let us all know that he can’t stand us.  We already know that, no need for the face.

I got Kid3 a fork and we all sat in uncomfortable silence for a while as hubby stewed.  Finally I asked him what his problem was?  Didn’t he sleep good or doesn’t he feel good or what?  Of course he didn’t answer me.  Kid3 piped up and said “Probably cuz I forgot my fork mom.”  I told him that was crazy and it wasn’t his fault.  I told him you’re allowed to forget a fork, everybody forgets things and I thought it was kinda funny.  (Dear God, PLEASE help my kids to know that it is not their fault that their Dad acts like a jerk!!)  Hubby got up and went into the camper to find something else to eat for breakfast.  Of course not without asking me in rude ways where stuff is.  I answered his questions but offered no help.  Maybe I shouldn’t have even answered him.  I don’t know.  But I want to model respectful behavior for my kids… If someone is trying to talk to you, you should not ignore them!   (At the same time, maybe it would be a good lesson to show them that they are allowed to ignore bullies!)

A little while later when things were a bit calmer and it was just hubby and I sitting around the fire I asked him again what the heck his problem was.  You know what his answer was???  He said “I don’t like to be told what to do.”

Let that sink in a minute will you?  When exactly did I tell him what to do??  When I told him I thought he’d feel better if he ate breakfast.  Are you freaking kidding me!

I sat there kind of stunned.  All that proves is that it doesn’t matter AT ALL what I say to him.  If he wants to be mad or be a jerk towards me, he will find something to be mad at me for.  I already knew that.  But this just put it right back there in my face.  I had no response to him.  I mean anything I said would not have mattered.  He wouldn’t ever admit that he was being stupid.

So I let it go and we went about our day.  No need to have a war when we are stuck at the tractor show together for the next few hours.  He got over it and was happier the rest of the day.  Well, until we came home later and went to his mom’s house for the birthday party picnic.  You’ve already heard that story though.

I think typing these out is already helping me to realize exactly how ridiculous our marriage is!  I tend to minimize these things in my mind.  I guess I’m just happy when he’s out of his crappy moods.  But these types of things are regular occurrences and are really so stupid and they stress me out.  There is no need for a grown man to act the way he does!   Sadly, it just makes it more and more clear that staying married to this man is NEVER going to be easy.

WWYD: Birthday Picnic

What would you do?

On Sunday we went to mom-in-law’s house to have a picnic and birthday cake for hubby and his sister.  Their birthdays are 10 days apart.

My family was exhausted from camping out at a tractor show all weekend.  Hubby had said we wouldn’t be back in time so I told mom-in-law earlier in the week not to expect us and I didn’t plan anything to take to the picnic.  And I didn’t have a gift for sis-in-law either.  We were hanging out, napping or watching football and it took a lot of effort to get everyone up and moving to be there at 5.

First of all, it bothered hubby that I wasn’t taking anything.  You always take food to contribute to these things.  I think this was probably the first time I haven’t.  I was just TIRED.  And we were only home for about 1 1/2 hours before the picnic.  I tool a shower, took some tylenol and laid down on the couch.  I couldn’t think of a single thing I had the ingredients for that I could whip up quickly to take.  And frankly I didn’t really care at that point.  I reasoned that mom-in-law knew we weren’t planning to come until the last minute and she would understand.  And I think it was fine actually.

So we go to the picnic, and as everyone is gathering around the tables, my niece made a plate of food for her 2 year old and got him settled in the high chair.  My sis-in-law #2 asked me to get a fork for her from a container that was behind me, in the corner of the pavilion.  My hubby boomed that I should get the whole thing cuz why would it be back there? Bring it out here so people don’t have to reach over everyone to get their silverware.  The problem was that he BOOMED.  He was loud and rude.  His voice said – I think you are all idiots – that is a dumb place to put the silverware.  So that ticks sis-in-law #2 off and she sasses back at him that there is already silverware on the food tables, she just said to get it from there because there was a baby fork in the container.  So then my other younger niece pipes in and says “Geesh!” and gives hubby a dirty look.  Her mom told her to hush.

Hypothetical Situation…   At an event with my side of the family, I am asked to get a fork from the container in the corner, someone would have probably said “Why don’t you bring it all out here so it’s easier to get?  Is there a reason you want it back there?”  Just in a regular voice.  Someone else would reply – in a regular voice – and explain.  There would be no anger or glares or any of that.

So then….

Hubby refused to eat.  Hubby loves to eat just like his whole family.  And hubby eats a lot usually so for him not to eat was a very clear signal that he was pissed and this was his way of showing it.  Whatever.  Occasionally someone would ask him why he wasn’t eating and he wouldn’t answer them.  He’s so much fun at a party! ha.  So then came cake time – and yes let’s sing happy birthday to hubby and his sister in this wonderfully tense environment.  Again, so much fun!   Sis-in-law opened her gifts, hubby didn’t.  I went away from the tables at that point because I knew he was going to do that and I didn’t want to sit there next to him – looking like I was supporting him and I didn’t want to fight with him either.

Later I told sis-in-law happy birthday and said sorry for not bringing a gift for her.  I told her I just wasn’t prepared and that is the truth!  We get along well so she knows I love her and that’s fine.  She said she wasn’t prepared either so she didn’t have a gift for hubby.

I couldn’t wait to leave that party!  Ugh!  Of course my kids ran off with cousins and hubby went to the barn to discuss tractors with a few of the guys.  That left me on the house, drying dishes and dodging questions about why he didn’t eat.  My answer was I didn’t know and he must have had an attitude about something.  They would laugh and agree and move on.  I repeated that to quite a few people.  ha

I knew the reason for his attitude was because his sister snapped back at him about the silverware.  Nevermind that what he said was louder and ruder.  (Is ruder a word?!  More rude.)  Hubby doesn’t like it when people talk to him like that – even if they feel justified because they are defending themselves.  That pissed him off.  Whether it makes sense or not, that’s why he had the attitude.    Seriously, in his mind, he didn’t yell and he wasnt rude about the silverware.  He was just loud to make his point.  That’s what he would say.

So later at home I told him they were asking me why he didn’t eat.  He said “Piss on them.”  He said his sister made him mad, it didn’t make sense that the silverware was back there.  He still thinks he’s right about the whole situation.  (See that is still his story even tho the reason was very clearly pointed out to him.)

And then he had to throw in a zinger… he figured we shouldn’t eat since we didn’t take anything.   Yea… I sat right next to him with a big plate of food.  LOL  I truly think that has nothing to do with his decision to not eat.  He was mad at his sister and his attitude was directed at her, not me.  He was actually quite nice to me, even as he glared at most everyone else.  So no, he just had to get that dig in against me now that he had a chance.

I didn’t do anything to intervene in the situation with his sister.  I didn’t see that being helpful at all.  And I figure – they are his family – they’ve known him longer than I have – they know how he is.

But when he acts like that – I just want to leave.  I want to just walk away, get in the car and go home.  Actually I can easily walk home since we are neighbors!  I don’t like being around him when he’s like that.  But…. there is always a but isn’t there?  Our kids were there.  Do I leave without saying anything to them?  Saying something to them creates a scene.  Not saying anything to them just isn’t nice and then I’ve left them there with their hostile father.  Given the choice, they would probably want to stay anyway to hang out with their cousins.

And if we’re in the middle of eating – do I just throw it all away and be on my way?  Does it matter? I don’t know.   Just trying to think it through!

Leaving would also be hurtful to my mom-in-law.  Truly.  She may have to get over that cuz I feel like I might be trying this soon!

I sat next to him as he grumped and I tried to smile and make nice conversation with his relatives.  I tried to ignore his nasty looks and pretend it wasn’t happening so I could still enjoy the picnic.  I don’t  know – that might be messed up.  Would a stronger person have told him he sucked and left?

So, what should I have done?  What would you have done in that situation?

What Would You Do?

I think I need a new “series” on my blog.  “What would you do?” WWYD  Or really, “What would you have done?”  Or “What should I have done?”

Situations come up with hubby (and my kids!) that I hate but haven’t figured out how to handle them.  I want my reaction – or the way I respond to the situation to make it clear that the behavior is unacceptable.  I want to do this in a respectful way.  I don”t want to be confrontational but I don’t want to be a doormat either.

My mom used to say to me that my Gram was crabby because people let her be.  That statement has stuck with me for 30+ years.

My hubby is crabby because people let him be.

I don’t want to be one of those people who let him be!  I don’t want to be his enabler.   I understand the whole “you teach people how to treat you” thing.  I also refuse to accept responsibility for his behavior.  I refuse to take the blame for how my hubby treats me – and other people., even though I have let him in the past.  It is still HIS bad behavior, not mine.

I know I need to stand up to him and I have been doing that and our relationship has improved.  Throw in a “Be nice or get out” ultimatum, and our relationship improved even more.  But…

He still does a LOT of things that I find completely jerky.  Thoughts that this isn’t ever going to really work out are still front and center in my mind.  I still think “I DO NOT want to live with this man for the rest of my life.” quite often!

So I guess I want to know the best way to handle these situations – to be sure he’s not being crabby because I let him.   And I find myself minimizing the not so fun stuff lately because there are a lot of good moments now too.

But no.

There are just some things that he does that show such contempt for people that I cannot accept.  That goes against everything I believe in.  We are here to help others and make the world a better place.  He would say we are here help ourselves only and to get “them” before they get us.  “Them” could be anyone.  “Them” are always out to get him.  Ugh.  What a horrible life philosophy.  How did I, an eternal optimist, end up with this guy?

Not There Yet

Love this!

Image Source:  http://godsgracefulness.com/

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.