Happy Valentine’s Day – For Real.

I haven’t written in a while.  So very busy and overwhelmed.  Hope to write more soon and journal all about it….

Today is Valentine’s Day.  It could have been a yucky day.  A few months ago I would have told you hubby and I would be living separately by now.  But we aren’t.  We are still here chugging along.  Ups and Downs.  Good days and bad.  We’re working through it.

It has been a good day.

Yesterday I was out shopping and called home.  Hubby asked me if I got anything for the kids for V-day yet cuz he wasn’t gonna be stopping anywhere on his way to work tonight.  I already had.  That comment went straight to my heart though.  It hurt.  Because I knew it also meant that I would be getting nothing.  Yea, this is my PMS week, so feelings hit a little harder right now.  That was an OUCH.

Not because I need a gift, it is the thought that counts.  Everyone wants to be appreciated and valued right?  When someone takes time to show you that in any way, it is a good feeling.  We have been married for 16 years.  The man knows this is important to me.  He could write me a note.  He could stop at the gas station on the way home and get me my favorite cappuccino.  I’m not hard to please.  Just please do something.  He could just walk in the door give me a big kiss, look into my eyes, say Happy Valentine’s Day and mean it.  That’s it.  Like I said I’m not hard to please.  It’s not like I want some huge, expensive gift.

So last night when I got home I showed him what I got for the kids.  He said he was feeling so tired he didn’t want to have to leave for work early and stop anywhere on the way.  He said he wanted to tell me on the phone that I should just pick something out for myself too.  And he kinda laughed.  I said I’m not doing that.  That’s sad. He said then sorry to say you won’t be getting a gift.

Before I went to bed I made up little goody bags for the kids so they’d see them on the table in the morning.  I put his gift in a goody bag too.

He refused to open it this morning even though the kids were on his case about it.  Finally he whispered something to them and then they let it go.

After they got on the bus hubby said he was running to Napa.  Yes, he got me something while he was out too.  He said he wouldn’t open his this morning cuz he felt bad about not having something for me yet.  I said OK, now let’s both open them.  So we did.  You know what’s funny?  We got each other the same exact Valentine’s Day package of Demet’s Turtles.

Now that’s love.

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Happy, Healthy, Safe & Faithful

Dear Lord,

Please keep my hubby

HAPPY

HEALTHY

SAFE

&

FAITHFUL.

Amen.

I have been praying that prayer for years when he leaves for work.   After each of those above I pray more, adding details for each.  For example, he fell on the ice yesterday.  He fell hard.  So after I say Healthy – I prayed that the hip that has been hurting since then will heal soon and not be so sore.  Safety is a big issue at his job – it is dangerous and depending what he is working on at at the moment, there is always a lot to say about that.  And safety is needed on these icy roads lately too!  Faithful not just to me, but to keep his focus on his family.

The kids know this prayer and have said it with me.  They used to love to do this – especially when they were younger.  Although I pray the faithful part silently, not out loud with them.  They know mommy prays for daddy and that makes me happy.  I also pray for them when they leave for school in the morning.  My daughter told me one time that she looked out the bus window and could see me in the window praying for her :)

I thought about this today because I realized I hadn’t been doing it anymore.  It  made me sad.  I have said this prayer for him for probably 16 years now.  I started it soon after we were married.   So I prayed for him tonight as he left for work.  And wow did I have a lot to say about each of those categories!

THANK YOU LORD for the power of prayer!

You are not inferior.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

We went to a family birthday party today and I talked for quite a while with my very judgmental sister.  (Not the one I told you about earlier that suggested the Codependent No More book.)  My older sister is Ms. Fix-It.  She likes to fix people :)  Even when you don’t think you are broken, she will find something that needs to be fixed.  I love her dearly.  I can deal with her better than my younger sister can.  But some days it is still work.  Today is was my hair.  It needs trimmed and she knows the perfect place to go for it and exactly how I should have it cut.  It seemed to be the theme of the party.  No thanks.

And hubby’s back is hurting him a lot today – probably because of this snowy weather.  So he has been kinda grumpy.  He did tell me that it hurts and that’s why he’s being grumpy.  That’s amazing for him to acknowledge that.  Usually he would just be a bear and I’d ask about his back or something and he would yell at me and we’d have a nasty fight.  What a difference a month makes.

He truly seemed shocked that day when I told him I didn’t want to live with him anymore. It wasn’t a fight, it was just a fact.  I could not stand to live in the same house as him anymore.  And I told him that while I was in the shower Christmas morning I was bawling my head off and just wanted to scream that I wanted a divorce and the only reason I didn’t was so that Christmas would not suck for our kids.  That seemed to hit him more than when I told him I was thinking about the D word.   He was shocked.  He had no idea I was THAT miserable.  Guess it seemed more real.  It isn’t awesome around here yet.  But it is not horrible anymore either.  We are really doing better.  I can honestly say I am glad he did not leave that day.

Oh!  And the other day we actually had a conversation about Christmas day and how he refused to say thanks for the camera.  I said what was the deal with that?  Why was it so hard for you??  He said I don’t know.  I said we are gonna practice –  I’m gonna wrap things up and keep giving you gifts until you get better at it!  He laughed.  I have not done that yet.  Forgot about it until now actually.   Hmmm.  I have a snickers bar I could wrap up.   His favorite :)  I’ll keep you posted.

Anyway, The quote at the top of the post seems to fit this day.

Judgmental Sister, Grumpy Hubby & Codependent Me.

(Yep, still working my way thru that book.)

THANK YOU LORD for Progress!

Why do people hold grudges?

Wow.  I typed that into google and apparently it is a much bigger problem than I realized.  My hubby is KING of the grudges!

Kid1 wants me to take her shopping after school today. She sold ham sandwiches for the band that we need to deliver today also.  Hubby (who has been pretty wonderful lately btw!) offered to deliver them for us so that we could get to the stores earlier and hopefully be back in time for Kid3’s basketball game.  Awesome right?  Then he looked at the order form.  Nope.  Nevermind.  He won’t go to his older sister’s house!  Grrrr….  The whole sweet offer was taken back because he has held a grudge for probably 2 years now!

He won’t go to her house.  The argument that started the whole thing didn’t even involve him.  It irritates me so much!  His parents and this sister had some issues a while ago and at one point his sister or her husband made a comment about them staying down here and they’ll stay up there.  Meaning – don’t come up to our house, and we won’t come to yours. (There are mountains where we live, which is where the up & down came from :)  They have all made up since then and have been at each others houses many times….  hubby on the other hand was so very angry at the way that his sis treated his parents that he decided he would never go to her house either.  And that has stuck.  They talk and everyone gets along just fine.  And we all get together other places.  That’s what makes this even crazier!  So he gets along with them just fine, but still refuses to go to their house.  Stubborn.  That’s all it is.  Stubborn.  And just stupid if you ask me.  What could he possibly be getting out of this???

So I googled it.  Here is what I found (paraphrased).

Reasons:

  • Immaturity
  • Some things are truly unforgivable.
  • Some people are just jerks.
  • Some people are very bitter.
  • Ego.
  • It is a control thing.
  • They are holding the grudge because they haven’t gotten even yet.  Yikes!
  • It’s better than acting on the revenge you feel.
  • We want the other person to apologize or acknowledge they did something wrong.
  • Some people feel like the world is out to get them.  (My Hubby!)
  • They have been hurt by someone they trusted.  A grudge protects them from future hurts by that person.
  • People think that if they let go of the grudge then they are excusing the other person’s actions.

Is it effective?

  • It hurts the person holding the grudge, no one else.  (Well I’ll bet it irritates and maybe even does hurt many spouses out there!)
  • The other person may not even know they upset you.
  • A grudge makes you feel like you are in control – but it is really controlling you.

Some good advice:

  • We need to be mature and try to forgive and be tolerant of others.
  • Don’t judge others unless you are perfect yourself.
  • Try to see the situation from the other person’s point of view and understand what they did.
  • NOBODY is perfect, including the grudge holder!
  • Let go of whatever was done to you and Give it to God!
  • Treat others how you’d like to be treated
  • We all make mistakes.  Forgive and move on!

I found lots of information about this.  The problem is that unless hubby WANTS to rid himself of this grudge there is nothing I can do about it.  I am not in charge of him.

Yes, it infuriates me.  It has been an inconvenience for me many times.  He holds grudges about  lots of things with lots of people.  It’s sad really.  But with his sister it is harder.  We are invited to their house several times a year for birthday parties etc.  They also have a great barn with baby goats and lots of fun stuff the kids love.  He has never even seen their new barn.  Oh he asks the kids MANY questions all about it.  But he won’t go.  I take the kids.  Everyone knows the reason that he is not there.  I used to think it made me look bad too that he wouldn’t come.  Then I decided not to worry about it.  They have known him longer than I have – they know how he is!

All I can do is talk to my kids about it and try to get them to understand that it is not OK to act that way. I try to do that without bad-mouthing their Dad.  Harder said than done.  Now when they ask me why he won’t go somewhere, I tell them they’ll have to ask him.  I used to make excuses for him.  Not because he asked me to.  Not because he cared at all what other people think.  I did it because I didn’t want my kids to know their father would act like that.  They look up to him.  I don’t want them to do the same!  So I talk to them.  And I talk and I talk and I talk.  I think at this point they know that I love their Dad but I disagree with many things he does.  I think that’s a nice way to put it.

Happy Hubby Moment #8 – He’s trying :)

My last post said I was not good at being still.  But the more I think about it – maybe it is working?  I shut my mouth and left him alone about all this stuff that we really need to fix in our marriage.  And guess what?

I think he is trying.  I think he is really trying :)

I finally said “WHAT?!?!” when he was just looking at me for no apparent reason yesterday.  He said “Well you said I never look at you, so I’m looking at you.”

What I meant was that he doesn’t even bother to look at me when we are talking.  Or look up from whatever he is doing to even acknowledge me.  It is very hurtful and something I have complained about to him.  Now he wasn’t being sarcastic, and he truly IS looking at me much more.  It’s kinda weird.  And it’s weird that I think it’s weird when my hubby looks at me.  I noticed his eyes tonight.  They are flirty and fun.  I haven’t really seen them in quite a long time.  They kinda make me melt.  :)

 

And here’s something interesting….  How long have I been trying to ‘be still’?  That began on Sunday… this is Wednesday…. 4 days now.  And yesterday was when this all occurred.  So 3 days and look what happened.   Interesting…..

Ups and Downs in a Day

The day was full.  Full of UPS and full of DOWNS.

UP – My daughter just turned 11.  THANK YOU LORD FOR MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER!

UP – She had a sleepover birthday party. She was SO excited and has planned for this for weeks!

UP – Everyone she invited came even though there was a last minute basketball practice scheduled at the same time as the party.

UP – Family came to the party too.

DOWN – Hubby said “Is that the cake?!?!?  Really?”
(It was FunFetti Brownies instead of cake – that’s what she wanted)

DOWN – Hubby said “Do they know you aren’t gonna feed them?!”
(The party was at 7pm.  I made nachos, had a cheese ball & crackers, cut up a pineapple, and had chips, soda, and the sour patch fish on the counter)

DOWN – Some family saw the basement light on and came to that door instead of the front door.
Hubby grumped at them that they should have used the front door. (Basement is a mess :)

UP – Hubby played charades with the kids and they loved it.

UP – The girls all had a blast!

DOWN – Hubby and I might as well been 2 strangers at the party, certainly didn’t work together to host it.  Barely spoke to one another.  S-i-l noticed I think and helped me in the kitchen and with serving ice cream etc.  (THANK YOU LORD for my wonderful s-i-l!)

UP – Hubby cheered up and was talkative and fun by around midnight.  lol

UP and DOWN – I am exhausted but it was well worth it!

WAY UP – My daughter said “Thank you Mom!” quite a few times and I was so proud to have an appreciative daughter!

DOWN – We were tired the next day and of course kids were a bit whiny which ticked hubby off.  A little patience please.

UP – I did not react to his grumpiness.  I ignored it and enjoyed the party.

DOWN – I wish I could say it didn’t hurt, but it does.

UP – His grumpiness is not my fault and has nothing to do with me – even if he thinks it does.

DOWN – I still have to deal with it.

Happy Hubby Moment #4

He went to parent / teacher conferences with me. Happily.

Happy Hubby Moment #3

He bought me peanut butter cups today at the store. Just because. :)

Happy Hubby Moment #2

He went to physical therapy this morning.  This makes the Happy Hubby Moment list because the only reason he went is because I wanted him to.  He is against it and thinks it is stupid.  So even tho there was a fight to get him there, He went.  I’m gonna even say he went for me.  (Or at least to shut me up)  Either way,  I wanted him to go and he went.  I am grateful for that.  Smile :)

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.