Trying to Stop The Drift

Continuing  from the last post & comments… about an article called  7 Thoughts That Will Change Your Marriage

This pertains to #4 about couples drifting apart .

A while back, during one of our  ‘discussions’ , hubby opened up and told me how he is SO stressed about everything and feels tremendous pressure constantly.  Even about the little things that make no sense to me that he should worry about.  (See: Phases )

I’ve been thinking about that ever since and decided that I am going to try everything I can think of to help him de-stress.  We need to find ways to  have more fun, and be less stressed.  Together.  I’ve had several ideas but none have really stuck yet.  I want to exercise more, he always says he should start – we tried to take walks together.  Could never get the times to work (darn 3rd shift!)  Then, thinking of my sis & her hubby who love to play endless card games together, I decided to try that.  I was just looking for something we could do together that was relaxed and fun, no pressure.  Well he’s not really into card games.  I’ve tried playing calm music during the after school/dinner prep/homework time – that didn’t really help either.  I love geocaching, he isn’t interested in that at all (altho I haven’t given up on that yet! )

I don’t know what the solution is.  But I am determined to find something that we can enjoy doing together.

And this would also be awesome because hubby’s love language is quality time.  Physical touch used to be an important one for him too, not so much anymore :(   So I really really need to find something we would want to do together.  Sadly, it is harder than it should be.

I googled to try to find some new ideas. Honestly, I don’t see any of those happening.  I may have to start cooking more.  Ugh.  That is one thing that I know he values.   But geesh… every. single . day?  Perhaps if he were less critical it would be more fun!  Hey hubby – throw me some words of affirmation and I’ll cook you a steak!  Sounds like fair trade right??

– recreate your first date.
– go out for coffee
–  have a fancy date night at home
– go to the gym together, play tennis together
– go away on a vacation together
– dance together
– run errands together
– shower together
– do chores together
– go for a walk together
– cook together
– hold hands

Here is a nice list – A Month of Dates for Married Couples

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Random Updates: Vday, Emotions, Lent, Funerals

Hi.  There is so much to say, I am behind.  I blog in my head, but can’t seem to get here to type it out.

Let’s see.  I did start the inevitable ‘Vday Sucks’ post but never finished it.  It is quite ugly anyway.  Probably better left in the draft section.  Short story: hubby didn’t get me anything for VDay, I tried not to care but failed.  We’ve had this issue for years.  Gifts are one of my love languages so it truly is important to me. He knows that.  I am not a materialistic bitch that demands expensive gifts.  I just want to know I am appreciated. Valued.  I think gifts say that because someone made the effort and wanted to take the time to show you that you are loved.  That is special.  I’ve said it before… write me a note, buy me my favorite gum or candy bar…  whatever!  Or even better yet – actually look at me and say some kind words and say “Happy Valentine’s Day.”  That is all I ask.  Words of affirmation are my primary love language :)

I’ve had a rough time controlling my emotions lately.  Doing better the last few days but it was rough for a while.  It was not the regular PMS time so I don’t know what’s up but I was a freakin mess.  I lost it on hubby.  Not proud.  Just being honest.  I have felt all out of sorts and can’t figure out why.  It felt like PMS that wouldn’t go away.  Ugh.  I am feeling normal now and hopefully this lasts!

LENT:  Usually I don’t give up anything for lent.  I haven’t for many years but we were reading about it cuz the kids were asking questions so I decided to give up coffee.  I know. I am stupid!  I love my coffee!  I knew it was going to be hard.  That’s the point though right?  I’m wondering if that had anything to do with my erratic mood that just wouldn’t quit.  I haven’t had any coffee for 6 days now.  Woo hoo.  Caffeine withdrawal is rough!  I am drinking tea instead so I am still getting caffeine, but not nearly as much.  Kids 2 & 3 gave up minecraft for lent.  THAT has been very hard for my son especially.  It was his own decision though and I am proud of him for sticking with it.  One of the articles we read said that Sundays didn’t count, meaning you could have whatever you gave up on Sundays.  I never heard that before but that is what happened with minecraft and it has helped.  I didn’t have coffee on Sunday, didn’t want to be tempted back to my beloved coffee!  Anyway, the last few days I have felt much calmer.  Not sure if it has to do with my hormone cycle or maybe because I got the caffeine out of my system.  I’ve been meaning to cut back anyway since caffeine is NOT good for people with anxiety / panic attacks.

We had 2 deaths in the family last week and the funerals were this past weekend.  They were both hubby’s relatives that we were not real close with.  Turns out I only went to one viewing.  Hubby attended more than that but I became the family babysitter for moms that didn’t want to take their kids to the funerals.  That was much easier.  I was stressing a lot about going.   I was proud of hubby for going without me.  He is quite anti-social and dreads these things too.

I know there is more I wanted to babble about….  I will add it later I guess as I remember.

Tomorrow I take 2 kiddos to the eye doctor and on Thursday Kid2 gets her braces on.  Anxiety about these appointments?  No… yea right!

G’night all!

He thought it would be nice.

Today hubby & I went on a lunch date.  His idea.  Yep!  Nothing fancy but anytime we go somewhere and it’s just the 2 of us, we call it a date:) It doesn’t happen very often!  (The kids went back to school today.)  He was getting ready to go for tractor parts (of course) and I was on a work call.  He kept pacing in the office waiting for me to get off the phone.  When I got off the phone he started talking about how he thought it would be nice if we went to Subway for lunch.  But then he decided we should just eat what’s in the fridge and save some money.  He told me in detail what he was going to eat when he got back from the store.  I was dressed but had not ‘done my face’ as my grandmother would say.  Or my hair.  And he was babbling on about leftovers so it wasn’t an issue anyway.  He left for the store.

And then it hit me.  My hubby had (kinda) planned a date for us!   He NEVER does that so when I realized it, I felt horrible!  I wished I had jumped for joy and went with him. (Even though he is the one who decided against it.)  But this was huge so I couldn’t let it go.  The fact that he even had those thoughts is wonderful.

So I text him.  “Awe! I’ll go to Subway w u!  That’s nice. Come back?”

And I went into the bathroom to put my contacts in and do my face.  I heard the front door open and I peeked around the corner.  He just smiled and sat down on the bench by the door to wait.

So we went to Subway for lunch.

He laughed about my text and told me he had thought of going to lunch that morning.  He thought it would be nice.  He thought I would like that. 

Yep, I liked it.

As I’ve said before, my main love language is Words of Affirmation.  His is Quality Time.  This was quality time I could give to him.  I still don’t get very many Words of Affirmation.  BUT.  The words he has been using in general are so much kinder than they used to be.  That’ll work :)

A Practice Gift

Hubby is horrible at receiving gifts. Just horrible.

Half the time he doesn’t open them until way later.  Or he says “You shouldn’t have gotten me anything.”  And he means it.  He opens it and frowns because – well who knows.  Maybe because I didn’t listen and I got him something anyway.  He has a terrible time saying THANK YOU to the person.  Instead he says ” I told you not to get me anything” while he frowns at you.

To me, that’s like a slap in the face.    Like he just threw my kind gesture back in my face.

Why does he do this?  No idea.  He says he has enough.  He says he already buys enough stuff for himself (meaning all the tractor paraphernalia that he buys and apparently feels guilty about).  His mom is the same way.  She always says “Don’t get me anything.”  And she means it too.

We buy him gifts anyway.  Why?  I dunno.  I have often said that I should just listen to him and not get him anything.  But how can you do that at Christmas?  Or his birthday?  And our kids love to give him gifts too.

One of my love languages is Gifts. People always tell me I am great at giving gifts.  I take pride in that.  I don’t give people things I think they NEED, I give them things I think they will love.  I pay attention when they talk and am always on the lookout for a gift idea.  When I give a gift it is meant as a token of appreciation, or to say “I love you” or “I appreciate you.”  It’s not about the stuff so much. So I keep trying with hubby.  I decided a while ago that I was gonna give him “practice gifts”.  So he could get good at opening a gift with a smile and saying thank you.

Why is this so important?  Why don’t I just leave him alone and quit buying him gifts already?   Well because!  Ha.

Kid2 is a huge gift-giver.  She’s like me in that she takes great pride in her selections and puts a lot of thought into the gifts she gives.  She loves to give gifts “for no reason”.  And she has been hurt more than once by her dad’s reaction.  And I have been hurt by his reactions.  And there are many events in this life that will involve gifts.  That’s not going to change.  And he needs to get over it.  He needs to realize that he is being hurtful and rude when he reacts the way he does.  That’s why.

——————————————————————————————————————

So today I gave him a gift.  Nothing big.  A box of his favorite creamer.  You know the little flavored cups.  I figured he can take it to work and use them there.  I wrapped it up in the comics.  He was watching tv and I told him I brought him a gift and handed it to him.

He said “Why?’  I said “Remember I told you I wanted to practice this?”  He gave me his crooked smile.  I said “I want to tell you this and I will make it as short as I can cuz I know you don’t want to talk about it…”  And I don’t remember my exact words, but I told him how it feels like he is rejecting me personally when he is rude about receiving gifts and how good it feels when he acknowledges it and lets me know he appreciates the thought and my effort.  He said “So thank you and a smile?”  I said “That would be awesome.”

He opened the gift and said just that.  And then he told I shouldn’t have bought those cuz he already had creamer in the fridge.  I said you can take them to work and use them.  He said “Nah, I was actually thinking I should quit using it, I think that’s why I’m gaining weight.”   OK.  Well I tried.  And I will try again.  He said thank you and he smiled.  And even when he was telling me that I should not have bought it, he didn’t frown at me once.  It’s a start :)

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.